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David Deida! I sometimes think he understands women better than they understand themselves

The end of this essay (Circles) is so damn beautiful as well: "The one thing which we seek with insatiable desire is to forget ourselves, to be surprised out of our propriety, to lose our sempiternal memory and to do something without knowing why; in short to draw a new circle. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. The way of life is wonderful; it is by abandonment. The great moments of history are the facilities of performance through the strength of ideas, as the works of genius and religion. "A man", said Oliver Cromwell, "never rises so high as when he know not whither he is going. Dreams of drunkenness, the use of opium and alcohol are the semblance and counterfeit of this oracular genius, and hence their dangerous attraction to men. For the like reason they ask the aid of wild passions, as in gaming and war, to ape in some manner these flames and generosities of the heart."

Yes, I remember Matt Kahn talking about this. He said when your frequency rises above a certain point you'll stop being affected by electronic gadgets. They won't influence you anymore and you'll instead influence them He needs to buy new microphones and speakers several times a year for his events, they just can't survive around him. Can't wait to see this dude in person and let him fry my brain

Collapse of opposites I’ve noticed that the distinctions between different “areas” of my life are getting real blurry over the past months. I used to section my life out into different categories like “spirituality”, “work”, “knowledge”, “relationships”, etc. And maybe there was value in doing that. It got me started and helped me stay on track. Now though, these things start to merge. It started with work first… The difference between work and home just wasn’t so noticeable anymore. I’m not in a hurry to get away from either one. Then mediation started to slip into my life. The lines just started vanishing: Am I driving, or meditating? Am I sleeping, visioning, doing shadow work or mediating? Am I meeting up with friends or taking care of my body? Am I tripping, philosophising,…? And so it goes with all my life. I’m just not able to keep track of the categories anymore. It also doesn’t feel right anymore. There’s still some lowkey anxiety about dropping my formal meditation habit after all these years. Like I’m taking a step back, being weak, being ignorant. But it’s not like I can do anything about it really… My body just screams no when I’m trying to sit down. It’s wild how something that is so useful in one stage can be totally destructive in another. Much in awe of life’s many layered realities… At the same time, I never meditated so little and was so sucked into presence on a regular basis Things are shifting. So I guess it’s time to change. Yet again… It’s a messy and confusing process though; I don’t wanna pretend like it’s all easy. I have plenty of days where I feel unfocused when reading, not present when eating, hyper busy in my head, agitated at work, etc. But presence infuses my life more and more. It feels like, at some point, I just let go and (as Ken Wilber so perfectly said) “At some point the practises start doing you.” Perfect way of describing what’s happening. Gosh, I can’t believe my life sometimes. I love it so much!!! The direction it’s going is very exciting and I can’t believe how amazing I feel on a daily basis compared to just a couple of years ago. It’s really easy to just focus on the problems and never look back to where we came from… This sort of segues into my life purpose… Life purpose The further I get into the LP course, the more clear it becomes that I totally wanna share my journey on a more personal level with people, probably through youtube videos or something. I know it’s a much used medium but that’s not really important. It doesn’t even matter whether it’ll be successful or not, I wanna keep my current work place anyways. But the thought of it excites me. I have so many ideas on what to talk about that it keeps me up half the night sometimes I have so many cool things, ideas and projects coming up… And I don't want to keep it all to myself anymore. I wanna talk to people about passion, music, personal development, new ways of spirituality, body work and ED struggles, organic farming, language, books I’m reading and just how I make sense of life. But not in the abstract, but in a fun, relatable way as someone who’s just sharing along the way. Just as much as I’m excited though, I’m also TERRIFIED. The further along I get in the course, the more I slow down because every step I take makes this more real. The inevitable moment of publishing something for the first time scares me to death to be honest. Phew…

Feierabend! (Why is there no word for that in English?)

I once took 3g of dried mushrooms. Literally nothing happened. No "state change" whatsoever. Turned out to be one of the most insightful evenings of my life... I felt such deep gratitude for my life as it is. Psychedelics somehow changed since then. Since then, psychedelics are just a fun and interesting exploration. But not an escape, a compensation or a quest for some "ultimate truth" that I couldn't find in everyday life.

Yes. We have a meet up group around personal development in ma city. I'm not too far from you. No social media, but we could have a quick chat, see what you're up to and if it would fit the group. Contact me if you're interested

Current (re-)reads @Natasha How sweet of you! Right back at ya

The year 2020 has unintentionally been under the theme of self-love. I had a very intense trip in the beginning of the year that has kind of foreshadowed what would happen in this year of my life. I feel like I’ve needed all this time to really integrate and grasp the depth of what was revealed to me and to really live it. Inevitably, slowly and humbly, I learned how to relate to myself, rely on my feelings and let what feels good and true in my body be my guide. I now feel so much more self reliant and confident. Now with this foundation, I feel ready to take this further and really integrate back into the body. My forever struggle of not feeling grounded in my body and being unable to accept it is gently coming to an end. Here’s a few things I’ll do this year to aid me in that: Continue doing yoga everyday Do Ralstons e-course on effective body being (Or, depending on my financial situation read “Zen Body Being” and “The principles of effortless power” at the very least and apply the principles) Keep focusing on deep breathing and relaxation Find out more about body symmetry (have a little experiment coming up) Extend my fasts, fast more regularly and do more research on the topic. (And by research I mean asking @Michael569 a bunch of questions and not researching anything myself ) Hopefully extend my time working in the garden Get into more different styles of dancing I’m not interested in jerking myself around anymore though, so none of these are goals. Setting an intention feels better now and I’m more interested in what these processes will keep revealing

There are a few things I don't want to live without. The New Year's Concert is one of them. Even though seeing it without an audience this year really made my heart drop. Aww... Seeing this makes me so happy to be from Austria

I’ve gotten really worked up about the corona situation the other day. I’m getting exhausted by the different opinions of the people around me and how they feel the need to bring it up again and again. It’s such a polarising topic… People all around in fear or entrenched in conspiracy theories… And just no way to know what is really going on. I’m usually good at just letting people talk, holding space for them and then moving on. But not always. Sometimes I get really hurt seeing that people are so afraid, that no one's allowed to meet, that there’s no cultural life, that people stay inside and think that’s healthy… Everything inside me just screams no. So I get overwhelmed and I get into judgment, passive aggressiveness and even conspiracy theories. I loose my nuanced thinking and just get angry and carried away in debates. I almost deliberately shut off all the positive sides opportunities to grow in this situation… Just to make a point. But if I’m totally honest, I have no idea what’s true. And I don’t have an opinion. I just don’t care about corona. If others don’t talk to me, I spend no more than 2 minutes a day thinking about it. And if anyone thinks that that is irresponsible, so be it. Me worrying or feeling bad about other people dying or the system failing doesn’t help anyone. The world really doesn’t need another person discussing Covid imo. (But that could be my passive aggressiveness about the situation… So if you’re reading this and there’s anything you think I’m missing, please comment and tell me. I really don’t wanna be ignorant, I’m just trying to figure out how I can positively influence the most amount of people.) There are other things going on, things I'm way more skilled and happy to deal with. That's where my responsibility lies imo. I notice that when I’m creatively involved at work, I keep my peace without a problem. I fall asleep totally relaxed and satisfied, knowing I did all I could to make a positive change in the world. Getting involved with the news though… Oh boy… Takes me in a way wrong direction. I’m really not made to be a student of politics. It literally doesn’t help anyone if I involve myself with those things.

Totally beautiful! Your post reminds me of this Quote from the teachings of Don Juan: "Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. This question is one that only a very old man asks. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you. Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. The trouble is nobody asks the question; and when a man finally realises that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it."

I’ve been in your girls position before so let me tell you this: If she suggested tripping, that at least entails that she’s really interested in you. You don’t just trip with anyone. Take it as a big sign that she wants to get to know you better. As far as implying sex: I think girls tend to think less about “sex or no sex” and more in terms of: I wanna go deeper and let’s see where we end up. Time to send some signals her way She’s made a big move with the suggestion, now don’t hold back by leaving everything up to her: Invite her over, cook her some dinner, etc. She’s gonna love that. As others suggested, don’t jump ahead too far. Just take the wheel and take one step after the other. Whatever you do, don’t talk about sex. Women are implicit creatures… We don’t need to talk about everything In terms of her being so special, think about it like that: She’s special and unique to you but just because you love these explicit things you mentioned. She’s not special for everyone. In reverse, there aren’t gonna be many guys in her life either that she can talk to about this stuff, so you’re probably very special to her as well. So dare to be more confident and bold in your moves If sex is gonna happen, so be it, but don’t plan on losing your virginity on psychedelics. Could be a weird reference point. (Or no reference point?)

We are the music makers We are the dreamers of dreams Wandering by lone sea-breakers And sitting by desolate streams World-losers and world-forsakers Upon whom the pale moon gleams Yet we are the movers and the shakers Of the world forever, it seems Arthur O'Shaughnessy

Cool stuff, congratulations! Must be hard work to put out an entire book. Looks lovely! If the offer's still up I'd read it

Nr 1 would be focusing on what feels good in the body and seeing where that takes me Here’s a few other things I’m excited for that will probably happen in 2021: Buying a new car Going to a 2-3 meditation/ inquiry retreats Start schooling in organic dynamic farming Slowing down even more Explore more styles of dancing Being more honest and relaxed with other people Read one of those big fat Ken Wilber books

Random insights as of lately: Time Time is what happens between two moments of being present in the now. That’s why enlightened teacher can say that time doesn’t exist. For them it really doesn’t. But what they’re actually saying is that being present doesn’t end for them. They don’t fall into time because they don’t fall out of the now. States Of Consciousness There are no different states of consciousness. All of our suffering comes from the misconception that another state would be possible for us right now. We’re comparing how we’re feeling now to how we’ve felt at another moment… But have you ever questioned the validity of just fragmenting reality into pieces like that? In order to compare, we have to segment the stream of consciousness, draw a rather artificial line to say: “In that moment, that began here and ended there I felt different than right now (which began 5 minutes ago and ends 1 minute from now)”. How weird is that? Who’s to say how long these states we’re describing get to be? It’s a really funny game we’re playing with ourselves. If you watch closely, you can even feel how “off” it feels in your body to make these comparisons. I think that’s also why I feel so weird when someone asks me “How are you?” (@Nahm) The question somehow never made sense. Now I know why. I was always so thrown for a loop and thought “…When??” Do you mean a minute ago or the past week? Where do you want me to draw the line? And even when you’re talking about the present, the moment I talk about it, it’s gone. Where do you want me to cut reality into pieces? And why? ___________________ @RendHeaven @Applegarden Thanks guys! Love having your perspectives on these things Sending you all the love! That ravel piece looks like such a pain to learn btw, omg! Sweating just seeing all of these #s and bs Also you can really see that you're in your element when you get to make and talk about music @Applegarden Such a delight!

Thanks, that was my cue for finally purchasing it!

I’ve been progressively feeling better and better over the past year, which led me to becoming hyper creative and interested in music again. While that’s a good thing in general, it also makes that I’m all over the place sometimes. Creativity is such a beautiful, unpredictable, overwhelming force… I find it more and more difficult to stick to a schedule, which is sort of getting exhausting. Inspiration usually strikes like lightning, telling me exactly what to do. I sometimes don’t touch the piano for weeks, sometimes I play for an entire week. Same with so many things… I also started dancing a few weeks ago. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to dance, but I (for some reason) always thought I was too old to start. Not sure if anything ever felt so fulfilling, honestly… Almost makes me cry. When I dance, I’m at the center of the universe. Makes my heart wanna jump out. How could I have not allowed myself to dance!? Talk about sneaky limiting believes… So hobbies and projects are just stacking up it seems, not refining. I decided on redoing the life purpose course, hoping it will help me sort some things out in this regard. Then again, maybe I’m constructing a problem where there isn’t any. It’s not like anyone is pressuring me to find my ‘one thing’. I think I have to grant myself some more years of exploration before that. Besides, I love my job, so I have no intention of getting out of there any time soon. Why not just do what I love in my free time and see if anything crystallises over time? Maybe I don’t have to go about all this in such a masculine way. I totally agree with the LP course for example, but it seems to me that there’s a part of me that isn’t ready or made for... linear processes?

I recently thought about starting a YouTube channel and vlogging. What I sometimes really miss in the youtube space are people that are showing what the everyday life of someone who’s into personal and spiritual development, life purpose, etc. looks like. There’s loads of information about the ‘how’ and the ‘why’, but not much personal material, where you get to see into peoples lives: how they’re dealing with new ideas, routines, integrating insights, backlashes, their own psychologies, making decisions etc. That’s why I enjoy reading some journals here so much. It’s so relatable. I bet I’d have loads of interesting things to say. I’ve come quite a long way in my development and more and more I feel the impulse to share these insights beyond my circle of friends. Off the top of my head I could come up with at least 20 different things I’d love to share… I’d probably never run out of material. I also love videography and I know a thing or two about editing. Could get interesting… A part of me really cringes thinking about that though. Me going public? That’s never gonna happen. All my life I wanted nothing more than to be completely anonymous and not having anything linked to my name. I used to just orbit situations I found myself in, I never committed and stood up wholeheartedly for something outside of me. In fact, a big part of growing up for me is choosing to be “with life” all the way. Whether it’s a work place, a place to live or a relationship: Commitment was never easy or me. And yet, surprisingly, it’s become super fulfilling the past years to commit anyways and see where it goes. It’s way more pleasurable to live like this…. Having all your options open often just creates anxiety. I seemed to find a way to balance outer commitments with an inner autonomy that makes my life feel very spacious, even in the most 'confined' situations.

I’ll reply here but it also kind of links to your narcissist thread. Here are some of my thoughts: Finding a great partner is a fine balancing act between having standards and not being unapproachable at the same time. What you’re asking in this thread is top-notch. I’m not saying lower your standards, but I will say that you need to offer a lot in return and cultivate the worthiness to even receive a man like this. Also, if you’re overly sceptical and basically expect them to disappoint you, you’ll find something wrong with them no matter what. You’ll find a reason to ditch every guy, even if they’re actually great. Again, worthiness frees you of these games. So I’m suggesting: Down with the defensiveness, up with the self worth, and all of this will work out. Balance your boundaries with a warm, open heart. Let men surprise you There are many great men out there! Best solution i’ve found so far: Work on embodying all these values yourself and let them come to you But that’s just general advice, I think the requirements you mentioned have more to do with your fear of attracting more narcissistic personalities. If I were you I’d ask myself honestly why men like that even make it into your life. Are there unresolved traumas, limiting beliefs or co-dependency issues lingering inside? What makes you different from a friend that is attracting great guys? You’ll have to dig these things up at some point, so better invest in therapy and books now. These things are not getting resolved by another forum post. And no great guy will ever fix these things for you. Even if he meets all your requirements, you’ll still push him away. He can’t safe you, only you can. (I know it’s kinda crushing the feminine dream of being rescued but it’s also true. No guy will ever love you the way you want them to. Only you can.) No one will stand up for your boundaries but you. No need to look for the perfect man for now, turn inwards and build a good relationship with yourself. Accept that you keep loosing yourself in other people because you don't know yourself yet. Focus on anything that ups your value in your eyes and whatever is making you love and trust yourself more. Take some time off dating and learn to really trust your feminine feelings again, they’re usually on point Also look into attachment styles if you find the time, that’s valuable stuff. I also recommend you start wording things differently. Instead of saying ‘I attract narcissists’ you could say ‘I seem to be attracted to them”. This puts you in a more active role, not a passive one. It’s just attraction, you still have a choice. All the best for your journey! Seems like you’re having a rough time. Much love!

There goes our Patreon money Kidding, I wish you all the best Leo. I'm sure she'll be a gem. The picture is splendid!

Felt like sharing excerpts from A Theory Of Everything by Ken Wilber that sums up greens eternal pitfall so well. Keep in mind the book is from the year 2001. This is so unfortunate and almost painful to read, especially if you’ve been like that yourself. Super important thing to watch out for though. “In fact, Beck and Cowan found that less than 10% of the world's population is at green (and almost all of that is in the Western civilization block, which is a massive embarrassment for the green multiculturalists, who champion everything except Western civilization). As Beck and Cowan (and virtually all developmental researchers) constantly stress, the blue meme is an absolutely crucial, unavoidable, necessary building block of the higher stages (including green), and yet green does virtually everything in its power to destroy blue wherever it finds it. Green has introduced more harm in the last thirty years more than any other meme. The world at large- and much of America- is simply not ready for green pluralism. When green dissolves blue, it cripples the spiral of development. It makes it absolutely impossible for purple and red to develop further, because there is no blue base to accept the development. Green is thus horribly damaging the overall spiral of human unfolding, here and abroad, and thus erasing much of the undeniable good that green can, and has, done on its own. On a sturdy blue and then orange foundation, green ideals can be built. No blue and orange, no green. Thus green's attack on blue and orange is profoundly suicidal. The more green succeeds, the more it destroys itself.”

A sentence I live by lately: “Just don’t decide where it ends.”

Matt Kahn once said that Truth is a staircase, where every revelation leads you to an even bigger one. That you'll wake up out of every realisation you've ever had and that the only thing that matters is that you keep going. An insight is useful for the moment you had it, then it's already integrating to prepare you for the next one. If you cling, defend and hold on, something that has previously set you free now becomes your next prison. Keep going my friend. I enjoy reading your spacey journal. All the love!