flume

Whenever people hear my name for the first time, they start singing one song or another. Waiting for the day someone brings up this one

My car broke down several times last week and I’m in the process of getting a new one. Pretty pointless to begin describing how much it annoys me to take care of this. On the bright side, the moment I allowed myself to really really really really really really really hate this situation, I suddenly felt a lot better. I can now laugh about how much I hate it all, I can totally commit to the experience and it doesn’t feel sticky anymore. I enjoy living the “I hate to take care of practical stuff”-archetype, even moaning about how energy draining it all is and how I just want my inner world back. It’s great. Perks of having inferior extroverted sensing.

Wow, I haven’t been this exhausted in over a year I think. This really hit me out of nowhere. It’s like I’m standing with my back towards the ocean and a huge wave builds up without me even realising and down I go. I think I’m overworked and overexcited from this (birthday) weekend, a difficult family situation, my car breaking down and just too many things planned in general. The tension between wanting to do many beautiful things and at the same time wanting the most simple life with nothing planned is killing me. Even though it doesn’t feel like a contradiction most days, these days it really does. After I got home from work yesterday evening I was shaking and so confused, I didn’t know what to do. I realised I couldn’t feel myself anymore. I took a bath, splashed around in the water, trying to ‘find myself’ again. I felt thrown back to years ago, when I felt similarly maniac, ready to take any kind of drug or cut myself open just to feel something. Anything. I knew I was safe though. No way I would hurt myself in any way. I knew that this too will pass and I’ll be out of this in no time. But still I was able to really surrender to this weird state I found myself in. Old thoughts and memories flooded my system to a point where I had to give up making sense of any of that. The thoughts had no real grip on me anymore, same with sensations. Everything was just passing by. All that was left was a stream, a sequence of “happenings” that I couldn’t even judge “crazy” or “helpful” anymore, because perception had no interest in these labels. In the middle of this non-dual experience, I realise I’ve found an unexpected loophole through suffering, to the present moment. I knew that this is possible. I’ve found out about this conceptually on my first LSD trip. It’s the same “hole” Eckhart Tolle fell into. At the bottom of every negative feeling, the present moment is always here to catch you. “You cannot fall deeper than into Gods hands” they said. I guess that’s where this phrase came from. Today I’m here. Coming back to what I love most. Writing to seek the lesson. Dear feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm, I know you’re a great teacher. Please share with me the gifts you’re bringing especially to me. You’re free to experience anything and it doesn’t define you. So why am I having these feelings? So you learn that lesson. So it has nothing to do with outward circumstances? Outward circumstances are created to teach you the lessons you need. I don’t feel like “my consciousness” ever changes though. Highs, lows, even sleep and trips, nothing ever fundamentally changes about the one perceiving all this. At all. It doesn’t. So why those “lessons” then? So you realise that. Realise what? That your consciousness never changes and you can finally be safe with life. All of life. You just still had the impression that the thing you do or the things that happen to you define you in any way. They don’t. None of this is about you.

@fridjonk Riiight? Have you ever taken 2CB? I always get such mind blowing insights about health on that drug, don't know why. I think I'll compile them here in a post sometime. Aw, Matts event in London just got cancelled (or moved online rather), otherwise I would have totally passed that wish along to him Love the new pic btw! You better believe I'm booping that nose through the screen every time it pops up. How do you get them to stare so straight into the camera though!? Very impressive. @Michael569 Thanks

Inspiring thread to follow This book really made me realise that it's not about the amount of content you consume, but how you work with it. Every page in the book is just so relevant and you can work with it endlessly. Keep it up!

In my experience, examining the bad feeling first is the right step to take. It’s a feeling that arises inside of you, so take it seriously. Try locating the boredom or frustration in your body and put your attention on it. Examine it in a meditative (observant) way: How does it move? What are its qualities? Treat the feeling like a person that’s here to deliver an important message to you. “How are you here to help me?” Is a question that always leads to success. Examining bad feelings is like digging for gold: They’re here to teach you something, you just have to be open and willing to learn. Just play with the answers that come up. You’ll know you’re going in the right direction when the feeling transforms into a more pleasant feeling and tension leaves your body. Then go with that. It might be different every time, so no yes/no answer is possible to your question. That’’s what it means to cultivate love imo: Leaving mechanicalness behind. Even in meditation. Especially in meditation. A bad feeling is like a child asking for your attention. Sure you can ignore it for a while but it’s not gonna get any calmer by doing so. Nor will the relationship benefit from it. The “pushing through” mentality might “work” sometimes, but I find that in the long run you’re cultivating an environment of distrust an opposition. If you come at it from the perspective of “everything is here to help me”, there are no sides anymore. No pushing through thoughts or bad feelings required, as they’re listened to first. Meditation will become a lot more pleasant, peaceful and effortless this way. Meditation is not a “tool” so to say, but an outcome of feelings taken seriously.

There’s something intoxicating about becoming the healthiest version of myself. Currently on a little health challenge with a friend of mine. We get points for not eating sweets, intermittent fasting and working out. We’re competing for a super nice yoga mat. (Fun fact: I’ve been doing yoga for 5 years now and I don’t have a yoga mat) it’s a ton of fun and so motivating to do something like this together. I really go through phases when it comes to health. Sometimes I don’t really want to think about it too much and just focus on other things in my life. I wanna eat what I feel like and not become so obsessed (again) with nutrition and working out. Luckily, I still crave healthy food most of the time even then. But then, during challenges like these, it’s like I glimpse some kind of “super human” version of myself and I just wonder on what kind of high level I could function if I’d be really diligent with my health. Feels like developing superpowers sometimes… The simple basics of enough sleep, working out, stretching, massages and healthy food make me feel sooo damn good. Totally enjoying the mental clarity, focus and groundedness that comes with it as well. Ugh. Matt Kahn once said that the most wonderful experience you’ll ever have is experiencing your consciousness, fully awakened, in a body grounded in all its senses. That’s bliss. And I can totally imagine that. I end up thinking “I really wanna focus all my time and energy into this aspect of my life”. But that’s how I feel about at least 10 totally different areas of my life. Haha. Damn it. Sometimes I’m thinking that if I just wouldn’t need to sleep, I’d have enough time to do all the things I want to do everyday.

First try recording covers. This was so much fun

A few days ago I thought "It would be so nice to have flowers in my apartment" for the first time in my life. Up until now I always thought it's kind of weird to gift flowers and that I'd rather have living plants. I just never got what's so special about it. Well, I guess someone picked up on that wish and had some delivered right to my door Now I totally get the hype. It's sooooo beautiful. I mean look at that. Makes me so happy to have them at my desk. What a day

Something a little different

Wowww! So happy for you guys You bet I'm coming over to pet these sheep! They look fluffy af. Much love!

I just realised why I love personality typology so much. I could never quite put my finger on why I’m so fascinated with this theory but now I can. I thought about P. coming over tomorrow and that I’d really like to share my new video idea with him before uploading it. It actually gets me excited to get up early in the morning to shoot and edit before he’s coming over. I played the scenario through in my mind: how I’m bringing it up, getting my computer and being kind of nervous to share something a little different. For a moment I stopped and asked myself why I’m so nervous about it. I mean, he’s my best friend, right? Still, it’s his feedback that I value the most because it’s the most constructive and clear kind of feedback I’ve ever gotten. He’s not shy to point out logical inconsistencies, consider the effect it has on people and just shine a light on it from so many sides I would have never considered. I know that whatever he says, he means. And I know that he values our friendship, but that this would never prevent him from being straight forward with me. In my very feel-y, social surroundings, I don’t have these kinds of conversations very much. It’s actually constructive. I can be certain that my growth is his top priority in our interactions, which intrigues me and draws me towards him so much. In short, he’s a badass ENTJ. A natural leader with amazing levels of self awareness that make me so proud to have him in my life. And I wish he could see that about himself. I wish he could see how unique his way of making sense of this world is, how incredible he is at organising knowledge and how he has strengths that are really quite unique and powerful. But most people can’t see those parts about themselves because they’re like a fish in water. It’s so natural to them, that the only way they’re aware of their inner workings is when contrasting them with others. People often feel “off” when they sense they’re unlike others. They become jealous or insecure and that’s honestly the most unfortunate thing I’ve ever observed. I love people. But that’s not the point. I want people to see what I see. I want them to see themselves with great appreciation, celebrating their uniqueness the way others probably already do. And until then, I’ll just point it out and love it in people until they can see it themselves. I really have no choice about that. Authenticity and uniqueness are so invigorating to me that I have to stop what I’m doing many times during the day because I’m awestruck by the piece of art every person in my life is.

Not all of them. I feel stiff as a board on 2CB

The moment you realise one more time how backwards our society is structured... Donuts -> Sick people -> Viruses -> Vaccinations -> Donuts -> Sick people...

So many great responses on this thread Makes me really happy that this forum exists. Love it!

Go meta or go beta

If the picture quality wouldn't have to be so low on this freaking forum, that'd be great yeah!

Picture of my first real hike earlier this year on a beautiful warm spring day. Look at this view: Snow tops, solitude and my best friend

Yeah! Such a cool mechanism. I didn't stretch much the past weeks and then unexpectedly did my first front split while stretching around on 1,5g of mushrooms Yey! I even noticed the same pattern in meditation. After taking a few weeks off, I'm entering deep states of focus and relaxation way more easily.

The Kingdom of Heaven is like a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field; which indeed is smaller than all seeds but when it is grown, it is greater than the herbs and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in its branches. Matthew 13:31–32

@fridjonk @RendHeaven @Michael569 Appreciating the feedback! Andi is awesome in his own way. I've known him for many years and he's one of the most loving and non-judgmental people I've ever met. But no I couldn't sit still like that next to the man i love

I'd suggest you spend some time in communities (like these) before you start one yourself. Things like that always look nice on a youtube video but community living is way more counter intuitive than you'd think. It's a fascinating, complex system which needs careful and intentional handling. You'd think if all their needs are taken care of, people will just live peacefully together. But people need work, purpose, security and opportunities to grow. Most importantly, they need a vision they can understand and get behind. A vision you have to provide and embody everyday. Otherwise it will just turn sour, boring or fake over time. So always start with your WHY. Work on that for a couple of years, live it, breathe it and the right people with gather around you. You'll have to face tough decisions everyday: What about disagreements? How do you balance individualism and community? Who are you taking in? A strong vision will provide you with the answers, nothing else. A community like this doesn't just run itself. If money was all it took to build something like this, healthy and functioning communities would exist more widely. They don't. Because it's the most difficult thing ever to pull off. I think Tier 2 starts finding havens pretty boring ;-) There are more effective ways for moving all people up the spiral. Which is really what it is all about in the end. At some point you'll get bored in any kind of paradise you can build for yourself. Anything that secludes itself can't be healthy on the long run. Imagine the opportunity you have at your hands to build something truly integral, truly healthy, truly inclusive. Ok, I just realised I need to write a book, so thank you for your post. Might be the most fascinating topic I ever came across. How can people live together in a healthy, supported and sustainable way? In a way that truly works. Fascinating. Hope I didn't sound negative here btw. It's a great intention you have there, definitely keep digging. I've just been part of a few great and not so great communities over the past years and I've been surprised about my experiences many times. All the best!

Made another video talking about my experience in a sensory deprivation tank (samadhi tank)

Shadow process: Scared of commitment (I can’t really explain this process. I just ask questions or write them down and answers come. I don’t really know how it works but whatever ‘intuition’ I’m ‘communicating’ with is always so benevolent and healing.) Dear super constricted feeling in my belly and chest, I’m able to turn towards you now. I want to find out everything about your purpose, I want to listen closely to what you have to say even though I’m really freaking tired. Please share your wisdom with me. I feel so uptight whenever you visit me, my breath is constricted and I just want to break free. I do all kinds of crazy things then instead of just turning towards you and asking you why you’re here. I don’t want to do some kind of mental gymnastics or reframe things. I want to see the root of this. Why can’t I breathe properly? “Because you think a feeling can constrict your breathing” (Taking a moment to relax my shoulders, sit upright and breathe deeply) Why do you feel so intense on my left side? “Your left side is your feminine side.” Why do you always arise at the point where it’s about being in a relationship or not? “To get you out of some old believes” Which believes? “That relationships need to be certain way.” They don’t? “You keep projecting your mothers relationship with you onto every person you meet. This has nothing to do with the reality of what relationships could be.” Thank you for telling me. I love you. I see you’re hurting. “I’ve been hurting for years.” Why don’t I always feel you then? “You do always feel me. Every time a guy comes into your life you’re confronted with the same problem. You’re just not getting on to the clue.” What’s the clue? “Not everyone’s like your mom.” Do I project that onto people? “Yes. You think they’re insensitive, they’ll make fun of you, they won’t be there for you, they won’t care for you properly.” *emotional outburst* SHE WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE WHEN I WAS GETTING HIT AND HURT SHE KNEW! SHE FUCKING KNEW AND TURNED AWAY ANYWAYS SHE ALWAYS TURNED AWAY EVEN WHEN I BEGGED HER TO FUCKING LOOK NO ONE EVER CONTAINED MY EMOTIONS I ALWAYS HAD TO DO IT MYSELF NO ONE EVER CAME NO ONE EVER CAME WHEN I WAS CRYING IN MY ROOM I LEARNED TO DEAL WITH THINGS DAMN WELL BY MYSELF THANK YOU VERY MUCH I’d rather not have a love life than going through this pain ever again. It’s not worth it. “So there you go. That’s your allergic reaction” Crying myself into nothingness felt like an endless pit to fall into, with nothing and no one to catch you. Until you’re too exhausted and pass out. The next day, you find strategies to cope. Great way of growing up quickly. “It doesn’t need to be that way.” I tried to look at that problem for years. “But never with this amount of awareness, support and self-love.” I’m afraid of becoming whole. “I know.” So what do I do now? “Go to bed. You’re too tired for this now.” Next day: I’m here again. I didn’t sleep much but I think I can do this now. “You always think you have to do something, don’t you?” How else am I gonna solve this problem? “You don’t have to solve every problem yourself.” There’s this insane amount of distrust and disappointment towards my parents. I don’t even think I know what it feels like to be seen and taken care of. And now it’s too late. I’m an adult now. Can’t re-enact childhood and my parents aren’t gonna change to heal any of this. Is what happens to you in childhood a spell you can’t get rid of? “No, it’s the perfect setup for setting you free. You’d never know true freedom and true clarity if you didn’t experience the opposite before. Without contrast, there’s nothing to experience.” I’m not sure I’m doing this right. “Just keep going.” Soooo, you manifest on my feminine side because… “Receiving love freaks you out. You can’t give up control over the situation. You insist on being independent. Just look at your journal: “Independent” might be the most used word. It’s your number 1 value even.” Is independence wrong? “No, you just haven’t realised what independence really is.” What is it, really? “Being free to experience every flavour of life without making it about you. Being in the world, but not of it. Realise the nothingness you came from and thereby committing completely to this human experience. Committing to being you.” Why am I so freaked out about a relationship with this guy? “Because he’s great.” I knooooooowww! Why does that freak me out? “Cause he’d be able to see you much more deeply than anyone you’ve been with so far. He already has, in fact. And you remember these moments.” Yeah it terrifies me. The consistency and honesty with which he’s showing up is unbelievable. I can actually trust him. Which feels like a big slap in the face is just around the corner. That’s how it always was with my parents: I’d get myself back together, do my things for a while and after a few weeks I’d start opening up again. I so wanted to connect with them so I slowly tried. It felt really good and I started craving sharing my life and feelings with them. And then the moment I relaxed and let my guard down a bit, I’d be stabbed in the back with a hurtful comment about being lazy, stupid, unskilled,… And I promised I wouldn't fall into that trap ever again. But I did, again and again. “Ok. Ok. How long do you want to bask in that? That’s no longer the case, right? Your relationship with your parents is much different now, right?” True. It really has changed. “You feel safe now right?” Yeah “So what has changed?” I have changed “How?” I feel safe with myself now, so I don’t need to look for safety in them. I can interact with them without making it about me. I’m secure in myself, so they can’t hurt me anymore. “Oh. Security. Great word. Isn’t that what they call it? ‘Secure attachment’” Yeah. But I thought they meant to other people. “Secure attachment is a contradiction in case you haven’t noticed. What they mean is that a healthy relationship can only be built between two people who are thoroughly rooted in themselves. And you can do that now. You’re just not used to it. Which is why it feels a bit off in the beginning: You can’t believe how good it feels and you’re just waiting for the downfall. You don’t believe that relationships can be enhancing and serving your growth without hurting you. That’s why you’re avoiding this relationship: You can’t be hurt anymore, so you think you’re doing something wrong and that this is not a proper relationship.” That’s so funny. “You’re doing much better than you think.” Maybe the word ‘relationship’ just has too much old baggage for me. It reminds me of things that hurt me. How can I cut that string? “You don’t need to do that. Just realise your growth in the past years. You couldn’t get hurt even if you tried.” Why do I freak out about the word ‘relationship’? “Cause you think it comes with conditions. It’s not that the word comes first and it has requirements attached to it, so you adopt them when you adopt the word. Realise that the great feelings and space between you two comes first. It’s already there. And out of celebrating the beauty of it, out of pure joy, you give that space a name. But the name never changes the space.” That’s like exactly what he is doing. “That’s why it doesn’t feel constricting for him. He realises the label doesn’t change the space. Nor will it ever.” So why the label? “To acknowledge something really awesome. That’s what labels do. That’s why you have a name. A label doesn’t mean anything, it’s a celebration. Anything you can label doesn’t mean anything, it’s a celebration." Ok bro, getting real metaphysical here. “Yeah you like that, don’t you?” Yeah “So you’re getting hung up because you think there’s some kind of decision to make. There isn’t. You already decided you’re gonna meet again. The space between you is awesome. The word doesn’t have anything to do with the space. So try to find the ‘big decision’ you’re trying to make.” Why did I go on that date yesterday? “Cause it really really really worried you to a point where you couldn’t avoid this process anymore. It’s such an obvious sabotage that you could have never ignored.” Should I tell him I went on a date? “Being as honest as possible is always the best bet in a relationship. Besides: Like you could lie to people. You can’t. So you don’t have an option ;-) Do you still have any questions?” I’ll come back when I do. Thank you.

Ok, let’s talk about something that’s long overdue. I recently met a guy who’s… just… indescribable… Confident, intelligent, funny, assertive, masculine, reflecting, open minded, entrepreneurially minded, honest, direct, wants to (is, actually) change(ing) the world for the better, into psychedelics, spirituality, personal development, etc., insane tantric sex that I can’t even begin to describe, doesn’t ejaculate, similar values + views on relationships, freaking good looking, worships the hell out of me, makes me laugh and makes me feel safe, makes me feel like a girl, opens and touches me in ways I never thought were possible. In addition, he’s crazy about me as well. Without loosing his frame. So yes, miracles do exist. We’re both sort of overwhelmed and didn’t think something like this could exist. He’s very clear about his feelings though: He loves me and doesn’t want to see other girls anymore. He asked me if I want to be in a relationship with him a few nights ago and I froze. I just couldn’t answer. I always freak out at this point. I’ve been sort of feeling constricted since then. Just labelling it “a relationship” is seemingly too much. Even though it wouldn’t change anything. But I just go blank at the thought of it. He even said “I love you” and my first instinct was to say it back. But the words got stuck in my throat. I couldn’t. Some fear was holding me back. I know what my therapist would say: I could stop projecting everything into the future and just take it one day, or one week at the time. Decide what feels right now and realise my freedom in all this. Have a playful attitude about it and just experiment. I always get lost in thinking that this is some kind of ultimate decision, that there’s no way back, even if I’d feel terrible in the relationship. I think it comes from my parents christian background where you’re only allowed one partner for life, so you better choose wisely. You’re gonna be stuck with him forever after all. So the time frame I work with in relationships is just always so long, which really isn’t helpful. But that’s exactly the point: If we feel good with each other now, why not just leave it at that? Why call it anything? Isn’t calling it a relationship just another person’s way of making sure you’re not cheating on them? (Probably not, I’m just having a bit of a fucked up view on this I think.) Why do that? Why can’t we just trust each other and be independent enough to do whatever feels good and then be honest about it. I don’t want to control or collapse into another person. Or is it some kind of promise that we’re standing by each others side no matter what? I don’t want to promise that. The only thing I ever want to promise someone is being honest to them, to the best of my abilities. Considering logic, nothing speaks against a relationship with this man. I’ve been single for a few years now, and barely any guy ever interests me. What’s the source of this constriction then? Do I know our growth is better served when we’re not together? Do I intuit I should be alone? Commitment phobia? Is it just too good to believe it? Am I too used to being single? Am I creating a problem where there isn’t one? Does the current relationship model not work for me? It feels like shortness of breath. I know it’s one of the above reasons. And I need to find out asap, because this is tripping me up big time. Might ruin something very precious here. As an act of rebelling against the (perceived) restraint I even went out on a date with another guy today. He picked me up in a sleek car, we went for a walk and he invited me for dinner. Nothing happened. Obviously. I think he’s very traditional and would take it slow. Which is nice for a change. LOL. Why am I even thinking about this? I’m not even 2% as interested in him as in the other guy. And still, I do things that are totally unlike me. Like being impressed by an expensive car, which I couldn’t care less about usually. I honestly wouldn’t have agreed to that date today if I didn’t feel trapped. God damn it. That would not be the first time I get anxious at the thought of a potentially great relationship and then ruin it by hooking up with someone else. I feel doomed. This is my way of avoiding true intimacy. The circle needs to be broken. Even if it’s late and I’m exhausted, I want to know what this is about. So here goes the shadow process again: