
Farnaby
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Everything posted by Farnaby
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From personal experience, both as a psychologist and as a person who has often experienced intrusive thoughts like the ones you're describing, I agree 100%. Questioning the rational validity of our thoughts can be helpful in the short term, but usually isn't enough, since it just feels like replacing an irrational thought with a more rational perspective. Usually the root of these "problems" is not a matter of not being able to distinguish between irrational and rational thoughts. It's usually deeper rooted, in a deep fear of being judged, rejected, etc. As long as we keep working on the conscious/rational level and don't address the underlying causes, it will just become a battle with your mind. At least that has never worked long-term in my experience. The other approach you suggest is far more effective IME, even if it may be more uncomfortable in the beginning because you connect with your fears instead of talking yourself out of them. Let's take the thought "Well, I hope a lot of people don´t notice me know! staying here on the street all alone, otherwise they might think I have 0 social life and I´m weirdo" for instance. It's probably accurate to say that most people will not judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. But what if someone actually makes a judgement about you standing alone? Or what if someone gives you a look that triggers your fear of being rejected? If you only tried to convince yourself that most people aren't even noticing you, this event would easily convince you otherwise. IMO, just like you said, it's more powerful to accept the possibility that some people may judge you and sit with the uncomfortable feelings that may trigger. It's like trying to convince a hypocondriac that they're healthy or a person who is afraid of planes that they're the most safe way to travel. No amount of rational proof can usually calm down a disregulated nervous system. We need to feel into those fears, if possible with someone that can provide calm and secure presence, until we're able to calm our fight/flight response. Another thing that I find useful is inner-child work, because most of these fears are rooted in childhood experiences where we felt judged and that experience kind of got stuck in our body.
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Farnaby replied to MrDmitriiV's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
@remember I envy my friends who don't get anxious when smoking weed. Well, I guess it's not for me. @MrDmitriiV I kind of get what you mean, it's like being stuck in a mind-fuck you can't escape. Can be really uncomfortable. I suggest taking some distance from substances, taking care of more mundane things that help you feel grounded and you'll probably be feeling fine soon. @Leo Gura Yep, chronic use is definitely useless for growth. It's a crutch. However, occasional use without tolerance gives me even more anxiety. I prefer other substances for tripping, weed has a strong body-load for me and it distracts me. But I've also had eye-opening experiences with weed -
Farnaby replied to MrDmitriiV's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
As others have said, take a break from substances, do some grounding techniques consistently, healthy lifestyle and you should feel better pretty soon. I personally used get this kind of negative vibe with THC quite often (that's one of the main reasons I quit). Even more with edibles. I guess it's a mixture of bad interaction with my brain chemistry and difficulty to let go during uncomfortable experiences. Do you think these things are a matter of luck as in genetics? -
Farnaby replied to King Merk's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
This reminds me of when I told a friend of mine about my constant inner-dialogue. He's a very relaxed person who doesn't seem to worry much. He told me that maybe I have a hyperactive mind and I was as shocked as you are to find out that some people seem to not have this constant internal monlogue. Most people I know, however, do have it, it just varies in intensity. Since I meditate more often, I don't get inmersed in never-ending thought stories as often, but the internal monologue is still there. Like you, I'd be interested in knowing if there are people who don't talk with themselves inside their heads lol. -
Since I started being interested in girls, I always found pick up techniques intuitively cringy, dishonest, inauthentic. I won't say that I haven't been jealous of guys who used them and got laid more often than me, and I've been tempted to apply the same techniques, but they never felt right for me. So you're probably right about preaching about the divine masculine and feminine being something most teenagers would make fun of and I wouldn't use that approach if I was giving some kind of sex education. However, I can't help but agree with those who say pick up feels phony and this inauthenticity is easily spotted. I prefer to be with a woman who likes me how I am (although I'm aware that we're constantly changing), rather than having sex with 10 women who were attracted by some techniques. I understand that there is probably another kind of game that focuses on authenticity, not repressing your masculine side, etc., and that kind of advice I would definitely subscribe. We aren't born with social skills and if we are on the extreme introversion side of the spectrum, we may have to work on our fears (if that introversion is caused by them) if we want to be able to date someone. That's just natural growth IMO, no need to copy some technique that worked for some guys. It actually reminds me of an episode of the series "Sex Education" where one of the guys gets obsessed with masturbating a girl using the proper technique. You can surely anticipate that this kind of approach doesn't work, because it feels rehearsed and unnatural.
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Farnaby replied to Gneh Onebar's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Thank you! -
Farnaby replied to Gneh Onebar's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Why the name calling? I thought your ego would be a little more controlled by now lol. I'd be happy to read those studies. As I said, I would really like to be surprised and see that paranormal phenomena are actually real. It would make life even more interesting. Can you point at least to one scientist/author who has written about this? -
Farnaby replied to Gneh Onebar's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
The day someone can reliably prove that magic exists, I will believe there are real psychics. It's funny how each time someone says that science has often tested these so called paranormal phenomena and always found a rational explanation, defenders of the paranormal start to attack science as a whole, saying how the experiment was biased and flawed. I believe we're sensible creatures and things like intuition, etc., don't seem fake or woo woo to me. But these things can be explained from the scientific POV. That's actually how psychics often say the right thing, because they're good at reading non verbal clues. No need to believe in Santa Claus. Also, don't forget about confirmation bias. If I think I have telepathic powers and get one thing right and 5 wrong, I will only focus on the right one and dismiss what proves me wrong. It's basic psychology. I'd love to hear some convincing argument in favor of the paranormal, not just critiques of the scientific method. -
I think the key is whether you're just putting up a mask to overcompensate for your insecurities or if you're really consistently working on yourself and actually becoming more confident in your skin. It's pretty easy to notice it if you pay attention to the vibe. It's like someone who is trying to be funny but is actually feeling insecure/scared. The same applies to guys who are pretending to be completely confident, macho-type of guys. You can easily see through that façade. On the other hand, if you really work on yourself, you can slowly let go of limiting beliefs about yourself that make you feel insecure and actually embody real confidence. If you compare such a person with the person they were before, you might think they are being inauthentic, but I personally think they just have grown emotionally and become more secure in their own skin. This is all semantics and I think it's easy to tell intuitively if someone is putting up a fake act or if they are being authentic.
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The sweet (or maybe bittersweet) irony. No one likes to be manipulated. Even for the one who manipulates I think there is a price to pay: deep down you know that the other person is feeling attracted to something that isn't really you. However, I think many of us may have identified with our insecurities, lack of social skills, and think that's just who we are. Speaking for myself, I've always heard women in my family complaining about how men treat women like objects, how men can't really be trusted, etc. This has been so deeply ingrained in me, that when I want to have sex, I don't act confidently because I'm worried I may be treating the woman like an object. I don't think that's who we really are either and all this pick up advice may be useful to stop identifying with that persona that is just conditioned by deeply ingrained beliefs and emotions.
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@Etherial Cat I get what you mean. I'm a guy and I've always noticed a strange vibe from people who are pretending they are someone they aren't just to get laid. I've seen it work too, but it just feels kind of cringy and fake like you said. I would say the best approach to date is to work on yourself until you feel at least a little confident (even though approaching is always scary) and just go with the flow, not trying to overcompensate for your insecurities. Actually I feel like owning your insecurities and being able to not take yourself too seriously is actually attractive for many women, but I can't know for sure ? Of course for some people this pickup stuff may have some valuable advice, especially if you have 0 social skills. But I think any method to get laid just feels inauthentic, it's better to find and develop your own style.
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@Name If you are so sure about the right and only way to get rid of an addiction, why the need to attack everyone who has another way of looking at it? Just do what works for you. I think you are mistaking having nice things/people in your life (a job, a wife, money, etc.) with being fundamentally at peace and happy. Many people have a life that looks perfect from the outside but feel deeply miserable. That's where addiction has it's place, to cope with that suffering. Also, meditation is not about distraction, it's the exact opposite. By bringing your attention to your urges, you can watch them come and go without acting out on them. I agree that there are other steps needed to overcome an addiction, but IME it's a great practice if done consistently. It's also great for noticing the excuses you were talking about.
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Farnaby replied to Erixoon50's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
I think that it can give you insights and get you in touch with many deep rooted beliefs and emotions that may be creating problems in your life. However, for me, it has a confusing and sometimes anxiety-inducing effect (intense monkey mind), whereas mushrooms for example tend to be more healing. But that's just my experience and it may be related to how I have used both substances (weed being more of a habit, often without taking care of set and setting) and to some anxiety ridden experiences with weed that may have been kind of traumatizing lol. Or maybe my brain chemistry just doesn't work well with cannabinoids, who knows ? -
Hi! I was recently meditating and noticed myself getting distracted thinking that my girlfriend may need me during the time I'm meditating and that I would be unable to respond to that need if I'm just paying attention to myself. This thought was followed (or maybe preceded, I don't know) by restlessness and an impulse to stop the meditation and look at my phone. Since I was watching this mindfully, I was able not to act on this impulse immediately. Frankly, I was interested in understanding this deeper and I could remind myself that we're both adults and I'm not responsible to be available 24/7. At this point, I ask myself what's more useful, if sitting with that impulse and doing nothing or asking questions like: "When did I develop this sensation of needing to be constantly available?", "From who may I have learned this?", "Who made me feel bad if I was only paying attention to myself", "What am I afraid could happen if I don't act on this impulse?". I see value in both ways of dealing with this, but I'd like to hear what you think of it
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Do you mean that each one has different tendencies, some leaning more towards the dominant end of the spectrum and some are naturally less dominant? You're probably right. Don't you think there's also a lot of conditioning built upon that natural proclivity that may be interfering with your natural expression? I'm thinking of someone who may have been judged or shamed (explicitly or implicitly) for their natural tendency and in order to not feel that again keeps that part repressed. I guess it's really hard to 100% know how much of our behavior and feelings is natural and how much has been conditioned. IME, depending on how I'm feeling and who I am with, different polarities manifest.
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@electroBeam Yes, I agree. I don't think what they suggest is useful if you want a happy relationship in the long-run. The lesser the masks you put on, the better IMO.
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I don't know if I understood you right when you say "the comments have a different flavor". Yes, I think those qualities are important in women too, you're right. Maybe this whole idea of men having to embody masculine polarity and women feminine is a bit too black/white. However, I've found that neither always acting like a people pleaser (afraid to say what I want and assert myself), nor being the macho type @electroBeam is thinking of when we speak about dominance, leads to a happy relationship. In both cases, attraction starts fading. @electroBeam The responsibility in a relationship is always 50/50. I don't agree with those who say that responsibility is the task of the man. Don't think that you have acted wrong and that's why she's not attracted anymore. IMO What she's proposing and expecting from you is definitely not healthy for any of you. What I was pointing out in my last reply is that I get the sense that you think of dominance like being an asshole, macho-type, neglecting, etc. That's not the kind of dominance I'm talking about, and actually that usually stems from deep insecurity. It's like a compensation for the inner insecurity. They are usually afraid of commitment. Sure, this may be attractive to some women, especially when they first get to know you, but it usually ends badly because deep-down, no one wants to be treated like that. As I said, healthy dominance (the kind which IME is attractive to women) is when you have a personal purpose but also a purpose for the relationship (not neglecting one for the other), you know what you want, you feel confident and take responsibility for your part (this means being aware of your triggers and not blaming the other person each time you have a conflict). At the same time, it means being there to offer comfort when she needs it, which is the opposite of what a typical asshole does. How I understand healthy relationships is like a dance between polarities, not being afraid to be vulnerable and at the same time being able to provide a sense of safety and groundedness. So, as you see, if we think of it in terms of polarities, it's an integration of both, your feminine and your masculine side. Very different from an asshole, macho-type, who's not being authentic and putting on a mask of excessive masculinity, afraid of his vulnerable side.
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IME, what works best is showing the part that feels the anxiety compassion and love. Talking internally to it like you would talk to a scared child. Also, not trying to get rid of it, but feeling into it, using some grounding techniques so it doesn't become too overwhelming. Being with someone who can feel calm around you when you're feeling anxious is very potent too, because this co-regulation slowly teaches you how to self-regulate. Have a look at the Polyvagal Theory, it's really useful
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I think we sometimes make the mistake of thinking about dominance like neglecting behavior, passive-aggressiveness (or explicit aggressiveness), being rude, etc. IME that's not a good way to be attractive (maybe for some girls this is attractive, but it usually ends in a toxic relationship). Dominance is more about being grounded, confident, taking responsibility, not blaming, not being afraid of embodying your feminine side too, taking the lead AND at the same time being willing to be present with her feelings, making her feel safe. Each relationship is different and this may be just my experience. However, I've found that when I feel and act this way the passion between my girlfriend and me increases. On the other hand, if you act like a traditional macho type (dismissing her feelings, compensating for your insecurities, letting your ego take control and wanting to be right all the time for example), IME this is not the kind of "dominance" women tend to be attracted to. The same goes for being too passive, scared to take the lead, being too much of a people-pleaser, etc. That's the other extreme and IME depolarizes the relationship too.
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Oh I see what you mean. Kind of like when you feel comfortable showing your flaws and even joking about them. I thought you meant insecure people who are showing insecure body language. For me insecure body language (tense, not looking in the eyes, trembling voice, agitation, etc.) = not grounded. Lol I totally get what you mean, seems like an awkward situation. It's interesting how most of us need some guidance and structure to feel safe.
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That's interesting. I've actually never met someone like that. Insecure people don't seem grounded to me, but maybe that's because I resonate with that body language and whenever I'm manifesting such a body language I don't feel grounded at all. The opposite is actually true for me, when I can accept the physical sensations they tend to go away, I feel more secure and my body language is more secure too.
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@Leo Gura I was just reflecting on addictions and how in your self-love video you say that self-love is the cure for addictions. Do you think that lack of self-love is therefore the cause of addiction? I think that's kind of true, because when you keep doing compulsive things you end up damaging your health, relationships, etc. But there's another way to look at it. From a psychological POV, the addiction can be seen as an attempt to regulate our nervous system. For instance, a kid that lives in a home where there's lots of fighting and distress, may find relief in playing video games, slowly developing an addiction. We could argue that this kid was actually practicing self-love, even though the chosen behavior eventually becomes a crutch and just a short-term solution.
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Hi everyone! I'm currently quitting some bad habits like smoking weed, spending too much time on the computer and mobile phone, not exercising enough, etc. Recently, I watched Leo's video about self-love and I'm confused whether I'm doing this process in a loving and compassionate way towards myself, because I tend to be pretty strict with myself once I've made a decision. By strict I mean that I feel like listening to the excuses my mind comes up with in order to indulge in these unhealthy behaviors is a mistake and therefore make an effort not to relapse. If I happen to relapse, I don't feel too guilty about it and neither am I too hard on myself, but if I compare myself to the people around me, they seem to be more indulgent towards themselves and not overthink things so much. So for instance if they feel like smoking some weed, they don't seem to question themselves as hard as I question myself. Of course this means they tend to be more impulsive and have a harder time quitting bad habits, but I think I may need to relax a little bit (or is this just my addicted part finding excuses? ). I'd like to know what you guys think about this. Is it healthy to avoid acting out the different cravings or is this too repressive towards myself? Thank you
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@Salvijus I'm a strong believer in the idea of illness carrying a message for us that we should listen to. But I'm not sure that all illness is a consequence of bad choices. I feel a vibe in your replies that feels familiar to me (because I think we have a similar shadow aspect lol). Maybe I'm projecting so don't take it too seriously. But you seem to have a part that enjoys moralizing, judging and being right. I agree that we should analyze our lives and improve the aspects that are unhealthy and make us unhappy. However, this can also become a problem if we get too rigid and perfectionist about it, because then we only love ourselves when we're living up to those standards. I'm speaking about myself right now, but the way you replied seems like it has this vibe to it. To the OP, I've never had a Reiki session and am very skeptical (but also curioud). Trying it out and seeing for yourself can do no harm ?
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As @Consept said, only you can know deep down who you're attracted to. Sexual orientation is more fluid than we use to think. There are of course people who feel 100% straight or 100% gay, but it's not uncommon to not be on either end of the spectrum. Also, attraction is complex, so you can for instance sexually be attracted to women but intelectually or emotionally feel attraction towards a man. However, I have to agree with @Consept and @Chumbimba when they say this looks more like an obsessive rumination about the possibility of being gay, rather than you actually being gay. From the way you write about your experience it's pretty clear that the thought of being gay causes you a lot of anxiety (rightly so if we consider the culture you were raised in). This is typical in obsessive problematics such as OCD. I'm not a fan of such diagnostic labels, but as others have said, this is a common theme in people who have a tendency to ruminate, obsess and feel anxious and usually the fear revolves around the possibility of being gay, whereas gay people are usually more concerned about how society will take it but they are usually pretty sure about who they feel attracted to. In any case, as I said in another reply, the way to stop suffering is the same in both cases: find a safe place where you can observe your thoughts and feelings, asking your inner critic for permission and asking him/her/it to stand aside for a moment. Your inner critic is likely going to resist this "experiment" so reassure it that if things get too overwhelming you'll welcome it back. Do this whenever you are in a safe place and have a little time to get in touch with yourself. If you do this consistently and treat all your parts (the one that has gay thoughts, the one that's scared of being gay, the one that critizices you for having these thoughts, etc.) with compassion, you'll soon feel how your suffering lessens. Don't worry, you will still be in control of your actions. This isn't going to lead you to become gay. It doesn't work that way. It will just lessen the inner resistance and conflict you're experiencing