Kore

The duality of the tortoise and the hare: "Part of your life is just gonna be looping and holding onto what you're already doing. But then part of your life should be exposure. It should be like a turtle coming out of its shell, reaching its arms and head out of its shell, wanting to explore the world. It's that's duality between hunkering down and opening up." The order was the universe forcing me to become the turtle, hunkering down, mastering stability. I have tendency to be the hare, exploring everything. I need to lean toward the turtle in my endeavours. Slow, steady, stable.

I went to the doctor today and got Yaz (US FDA approved birth control pill for PMDD). I can say that it is a success. Things I've noticed from yaz (during pms): - beautiful 'energies' - satisfaction - warm feelings and thoughts - no dark feelings and thoughts, or they don't stick or get out of control - no anger - everything is vibrant, alive and peaceful - adjustment period - processing, healing, healthy sadness and pain - mindful suffering - higher pain tolerance level - There's two worlds. The PMS and the yaz. The yaz is a beautiful world. The PMS is an ugly world. Mostly there's just yaz. The PMS is old momentum. The yaz world is the now reality. The PMS world is old news. It is passing away.

The Tortoise (a sign I see frequently): 1. Stability 2. Medication 3. Slow and steady wins the race 4. Part of The triad: Medication, stability, and giftedness 5. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs 6. Wait 7. Find a cure for PMDD 8. Menopause. Old age. Hekate. 9. Stability = no PMDD 10. Opposite: Going fast. The hare. The fool = prioritizing giftedness, not stability and medication in the triad. 11. Wisdom 12. Patience

I think this is the missing piece in my path. Improving my cycles is directly tied to the stability I need when it comes to my disorder. My condition would worsen off medication during pms tremendously and then improve drastically during non-pms. It's like being thrown around like a ragdoll by your hormones. There was no stability. I think birth control or simply being mindful of practices that could assist me in improving PMDD could be the missing piece in my stability. I have to look at the areas in my life that are weak and lacking already on the medication before I even think about going off my medication and entering any realm. PMDD is my weakest area. And either I'm going to cure my PMDD or I'm going to be on medication until I'm in menopause when PMDD is no longer an issue.

Before entering the realms: - Stable accommodation - I have basic necessities, like phone, money, credit card, shoes, keys. - I have medication - I have a doctor that I trust - I have a solid support system - I don't leave the house to go explore everywhere. Inside is better. - I am possibly taking the pill (PMDD) - I am stable and well - I have a meditation practice - I utilise sexual energy and no pmo.

But I don't need a cure for me I don't need it No, I don't need a cure for me I don't need it No, I don't need a cure for me I don't like the tension, the misapprehensions About our nature in love The glorious teachers are no use for creatures Who knows how to play with the gods You got nerves, but they never show Unless they hurt, so you blamed it all On my love, the moving Heart I got But I don't need a cure for me I don't need it No, I don't need a cure for me I don't need it No, I don't need a cure for me I don't need it I don't need it Hm, please, no cure for me Please, no cure for me, cure for me Cure for me, please, no cure for me, cure for me Cure for me, please, no cure for me, cure for me, cure for me

Before re entering into those realms again which I inevitably will I want to make sure I am in a stable, positive, well and meditative place. That I am strong at my core. I'll need a solid meditation practice.

My treatment order is being removed this week. Not sure what to make of it. Inside I'm jumping up and down for joy and near ecstacy. The medication and order has limited my path. Although there is no way I'm entering back into those realms without medication again. It is a boon to my path, along with the doctors. Hospitals, not so much.

Note: I think I hit the wall of chronic fatigue because I prioritized action and productivity over my state of being. You want to find the Well of Youth and Well-being. There you will find your energy. If you prioritize productivity, you'll quickly run out of energy. So yeah, prioritize state of being (of calm and alert). Milk the vortex. Emotion goals/Emotional mastery.

Sometimes you have no choice but to sleep/nap it off. Then afterwards take it more slow.

Update: To offset 'the wall' of sleepiness from chronic fatigue the answer is to slow down, repeat alerting activities, and to stay in motion (action breeds alertness). Take general action ("Finished the task" in Norbu). Complete tasks around you that you see need to be done. Once the sleepiness has worn off than you can focus more so on state of being than on action.

Primary: 1.7/5 -- (a lack of empathy for other people and tolerance for antisocial orientations) Secondary: 2.7/5 -- (rule breaking and a lack of effort towards socially rewarded behavior)

Update: I may make productivity secondary to emotional mastery and emotional goals. I want to maximise a state of alertness and calmness, reach the pinnacle of flow or the vortex. I want to milk the vortex. And then be productive as a side venture.

7

I may be labelled all number of things but if there is one thing I pride myself on its my resiliency, actually doing the work and the ability to walk this path alone. I know I'm doing the work because of the massive progress I've made. I'm not afraid to do this work alone. I've shown my true colours and character through apologies, forgiveness, introspection and doing the work. People with disabilities will always have it hard. Just know you can't exclude us forever if we are doing our best and our best isn't good enough for you. It's like chewing on your own arm, it comes back to you. No matter how much you try to exclude us. Eventually, we break. And then you justify that in your head for further exclusion. Final entry.

Note (What I've learned from sensory modulation classes and from this 'Norbu' app): Too much calmness (breathing exercises for example) leads to lethargy. Too much alertness leads to stress Calmness transforms stress into alertness Alertness transforms lethargy into calmness .. Alerting things: Action (Activity induces the desire to take more action) Intellectual stimulation (Reading, studying) Stimulation in general (music) Calming things: Absorption, Observation Distraction Breathing

Update: Hit a wall all of a sudden. Just wanted to sleep all of the time. Lost my momentum and couldn't seem to get my alertness up no matter what as I was so tired, like I had excess calmness all of a sudden. Extreme lethargy. It's a symptom of chronic fatigue to suddenly be hit with a wall after a period of trying to be productive. I will push through it and see if I can break through. Perhaps I just need to become adapted over time. I will try to be more gentle and kind toward myself.

Update: I woke up with momentum today from using the app "Norbu". I don't usually wake up with momentum most days but today I woke up with momentum. I'm still trying to figure out a system to put in place for optimal productivity for when I am calm and alert. Should I be aiming for optimal productivity? Or should I be aiming for something else? I might look into the app 'Cheerly' some more as it has a nice balance between different areas in your life. I can boost the state calm and alert with meditation.

I've discovered a productivity app goldmine called "Norbu". It uses calming and alerting exercises similar to sensory modulation to help you with shifting into a state conducive to productivity and uses a scale to measure before the exercise to gauge your level of stress or willingness to take action. It also has a gratitude journal where you can write about any action you take as a result of the exercises. It's really effective for emotional regulation, state shifting, and then journalling results. I'm making a great deal of progress with the app 'Norbu'. I'm learning about emotional and state regulation. This is fantastic for my personal development along with my productivity. I really feel like I'm healing and I mean it this time. I completed all my habits this week and went on a long walk today, just by keeping close attention to my state of being, making sure I'm in a calm and alert state. I supplement the app with other calming and alerting things (like music, meditations etc.) and with an app called "mind tracker" that helps me to measure my energy levels and mood throughout the day. The measurement function is particularly useful to me in these apps as they teach me to become self-aware.

I'm making a great deal of progress with the app 'Norbu'. I'm learning about emotional and state regulation. This is fantastic for my personal development along with my productivity. I really feel like I'm healing and I mean it this time. I completed all my habits this week and went on a long walk today, just by keeping close attention to my state of being, making sure I'm in a calm and alert state. I supplement the app with other calming and alerting things (like music, meditations etc.) and with an app called "mind tracker" that helps me to measure my energy levels and mood throughout the day. The measurement function is particularly useful to me in these apps as they teach me to become self-aware.

On Journaling Write from the heart. Don't be afraid to mess up, be cringy or odd. Sometimes the gold is tossed up from the muck and dirt of the psyche. Continue steadfast, in the raw expression of yourself and your past. Even if you want to burn it all to the ground. There is much gold to be found in the muck and you'll thank yourself later for the clarity you've found and the ground you've made.

@Ulax Write from the heart. Don't be afraid to mess up, be cringy or odd. Sometimes the gold is tossed up from the muck and dirt of the psyche. Continue steadfast, in the raw expression of yourself and your past. Even if you want to burn it all to the ground. There is much gold to be found in the muck and you'll thank yourself later for the clarity you've found and the ground you've made.

Norbu I've discovered a productivity app goldmine called "Norbu". It uses calming and alerting exercises similar to sensory modulation to help you with shifting into a state conducive to productivity and uses a scale to measure before the exercise to gauge your level of stress or willingness to take action. It also has a gratitude journal where you can write about any action you take as a result of the exercises. It's really effective for emotional regulation, state shifting, and then journalling results.

From Leo's Blog (relevant to me since I have Schizoaffective): "What ordinary humans consider to be "hallucinations" not really hallucinations (since everything is a hallucination), they are just God's imagination — Infinite Imagination — at work in non-ordinary states of consciousness. You can't really understand things like Schizophrenia without God-Realization. Schizophrenia is like an extreme form of openmindedness. Your mind/consciousness is so abnormally open that reality itself becomes less material and more fluid — similar to being on mushrooms. This kind of openness correlates with high creativity because a lot more novel ideas are floating into your field of consciousness. But your mind is so open that these ideas literally start to morph your material world. A coffee table could start talking to you and giving you novel ideas. The trade-off is that your mind is less buttoned-up, so it literally starts to feel like you're going insane. How would you react if all the sudden your coffee table started to talk to you? Would you be open to listening, or would you freak out and run to the doctor to put yourself on meds to suppress it? Most people would freak out because they don't have a proper context for it. Under the materialist paradigm the only context is that you're going insane. But if you understand how consciousness works then there's really nothing wrong about it, you just have an extra-open mind. The notion that talking to your coffee table is "irrational", "crazy", or unscientific is just wrong. There's nothing unscientific about it. In fact, it is unscientific to call it unscientific because under the right states of consciousness people can talk to their coffee tables and this is not a bug, it's a feature. You have to be very careful about privileging one state of consciousness over another. This is an unscientific bias. No state of consciousness is superior to any other. No state of consciousness is truer than any other. They are just different, with various pros and cons. But humans are very judgmental and demonizing of states of consciousness which are unlike their own. This is just another form of bigotry. When a scientist says that some non-ordinary state of consciousness, like schizophrenia, is irrational or crazy, he is being a bigot. Rationality does not have a monopoly on reality, as it is commonly assumed. With that said, of course not all states of consciousness are equally functional. Some forms of schizophrenia may be highly maladaptive to living in modern society. Evolution and natural selection have carefully shaped mankind's default state of consciousness over millions of years to be hyper functional for survival in the kinds of environments that humans usually find themselves in. This is what creates the illusion of material reality. Reality is not at all material, but it seems that way because all the immaterial, dream-like aspects have been pruned off in order to make it possible for humans to excel in activities such as business, engineering, socialization, and war. You know what happened when the US military gave LSD to soldiers to make them better killers? The soldiers refused to fight each other because they experienced too much love. You literally have to be very closed-minded to kill people! In other words, the reason humans are so materialistic, rational, and business-like by default is because all the humans with dreamy default states of consciousness were killed off by the business-minded ones. Consider the possibility that 2000 years ago all humans were much more dreamy by default than they are today. But war killed them off and selected for the most materialistic, rational, and business-minded ones. Which is to say, all the most spiritual humans were killed off long ago. Which is why humans today struggle so much with being spiritual whereas in the ancient past people were much more mystically inclined. This wasn't merely a cultural shift, it was a shift at the genetic level. Nobody understands this! Ta-Daaaaa! It's even possible that Neanderthals were more spiritual than humans but were killed off by the more business-like and war-like humans. Science & history has yet to appreciate such matters because they take state of consciousness for granted. The downside of being spiritual is that you're weaker at business. Which is why businessmen and scientists have no souls ;)"