Hi Milos,
I have just come back to the forum after a while away from actualized.org content and am amazed at how many people are in a similar situation to myself.
I am 21, Male.
You are not alone in this, welcome to the brotherhood! Everybody is on this earth to learn a lesson and this one is yours.
The unique wisdom you will acquire in passing through this cannot be learned reading a book. I only ask that you pass on what you have learned to those around you.
Perhaps you can relate to my short story:
Age 5: Start school. Fall in love with a girl in class at first sight. The start of an obsessive attachment.
Age 11: Transfer to a very large secondary school. Feel isolated. Oneitis relationship continues.
Age 11/12: Begin watching porn regularly. Repeatedly try to stop by willpower but doesn't stop. Insecurity in new environment.
Age 13: Research methods to stop, excited to be learning personal development and "getting ahead". Meditations, cold showers, affirmations.
Age 14: Increasing social isolation and anxiety. School grades are declining. My methods aren't working? Why?? Maybe I'm doing the wrong technique...
Age 15: More experimentation. "It is wrong to need a relationship".I must rid myself of this desire. Reject the advances of other girls. I am keeping myself for the girl I like.
Age 19: University. Distraction can no longer hide the inner conflict. My first panic attack. Anti-anxiolytics and SSRI's for 1 year. Start with a psychologist.
Age 20/21: First sexual experiences. Addictions continue.
This "manic" episodes you describe seem to be a way for you to shed excess energy. You have a self image of how you "should be" in your mind.
But you see that what you actually do is not alignment. This generates conflict. Conflict meaning increased thinking (judgements) and therefore emotions.
You distract yourself from these emotions. You tense your stomach so you don't feel them. This creates even more conflict.
In order dissipate this energy you move your body in various ways.
Advice (in order of importance):
1. See a Psychologist weekly. From your viewpoint you cannot find the solution. You are in the middle of the storm and can't see anything.
Somebody external to you can see the situation more clearly. You can read all you want but until you see for yourself what is going on you cannot solve it. You just cannot see your own blind spots just as everyone else cannot see their own.
Are you in an intimate relationship at the moment?
