Ryan_047

At some point in the video Teal mentioned a doctor that invented a trauma release technique specifically designed for people who can't really afford therapy. English is not my native language, and I couldn't properly put that name into a word.. but it sounded like "doctor Riccelli" . Could someone please help me?

I'm not sure if I'll commit to continuously updating this journal, I just spontaneously decided that I want to objectively evaluate my life and see where I stand. Don't except to see me contemplate or do advanced stuff like contemplating philosophical questions, doing psychedelics or doing retreats. This is just me rambling about my life and how miserable I am. To give some background, I'm 20, male and I live in Europe. I'm in my first year of college, studying computer science. I am struggling in college, not because I find it particularly hard, but because I can't regulate my emotions. All semester long I've procrastinated on studying and practically did nothing of value, and now it's the time to take exams. Since I finished 8th grade, I have the habit of constantly distracting myself with video games, music and YouTube. I don't smoke, rarely drink and never did drugs. My biggest streak of meditating constantly was 2 weeks, and after that I meditated 1 or 2 days at a time when I had a stressful period. I'm pretty sure I suffer from depression and generalized anxiety, even if I wasn't officially diagnosed. I experience constant stress(I literally can't remember that last time I managed to relax), anxiety when I'm about to engage in social situations, constant brain fog, suicidal thoughts and many, many more.. I can't afford therapy, nor do I want to go to a therapist. The mental health system in my country is very poorly constructed and if I were to be 100% honest with a therapist, I'd get thrown into a psychiatric hospital and get fed medication to numb me. I still live with my parents. They too are very emotionally unstable and if I told them how much I truly suffer, they'd go nuts and it would have a negative effect overall, and that's why won't share anything personal with them. I've wasted my high school years and I have many regrets for not doing stuff I wanted and needed to do. Won't go into details here, more info on my old posts. Honestly, what I truly want right now is to drop college, leave my parent's home and go isolate myself somewhere far away from everyone I know. I'd spend my time meditating, journaling and healing. That's what I want to do... The thing stopping me from doing it is not having an income. If I were to have an income which would pay for rent and food, I'd do probably do this. You might think that this wish of mine would be a motivation to work hard and get a job. Wrong, I'm too lazy and unmotivated. All I want to do is to constantly distract myself, as I did for 5 years now. Ffs, I've wasted 5 whole years of my life and I'm not going to stop. I've got all of the tools I need to make my life beautiful, but I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired and I need a break from life. If I were given a shotgun right now, I'd probably shoot myself since I don't want to continue. I also really, really hate myself. I know all of the steps I need to take to improve myself, but... I just don't want to do it. I don't want to get better. I would trade my life with somebody who truly wants to live. I don't enjoy anything anymore. Here's a random list of things I'm struggling with in life: studying anything at all chronic depression and anxiety being suicidal when life gets hard chronic constipation procrastinating feeling emotions keeping a conversation flowing waking up in the morning self-loathing washing my teeth/taking showers(yeah, pathetic, I know) masturbation to porn(I find porn disgusting, but I can't help it when I'm feeling alone) waking up in the morning eating(I only eat because the sensation of hunger annoys me); I'm a bit underweight btw Here's a list of unmet needs I have: feeling appreciated feeling seen/heard sexual needs lack of self confidence feeling safe in a relationship.. any relationship having a sense of purpose having an intimate relationship Here's a list of things I should do in order to better my life: meditate daily journaling hit the gym study programming on my own apply Teal Swan's The Completion Process spend more time socializing cut off distractions like Reddit, YouTube and video games completely ask myself on every decision "What would someone that loved himself do?" Idk, I guess that's it. I'm not sure I'll update this journal every day since I really can't commit to anything.

In my opinion, it's hard to apply SD properly and objectively(according to the model itself) if you're not developed enough. I introduced a friend to Spiral Dynamics(he's mainly mixture of blue and orange) and briefly explained what every stage entails. After he had a basic understanding of the model, he immediately stated that he's yellow and turquoise. I didn't contradict him, but I began giving more details about these stages so it would become obvious to him that he's not that high. It didn't work. He's Christian, and he said that because he's a devoted Christian he's turquoise. Even I had fantasies of how yellow I am, when in reality I'm just a mixture of orange and green. Another mistake I've noticed with beginners(myself included) is that we try to assert SD in fields where there are little to none practical implications and use it to justify our personal tastes and opinions as being of "higher consciousness". Yeah, you could say that a certain music genre is usually listened to by a certain stage, but that's too black and white. If you think about it, heavy metal(or any other music genre) can be red, blue and all the way to turquoise, depending on the themes in the song, how the song is composed and how the artist thinks. It's relative. Therefore, if you're listening to classical music, it doesn't necessarily mean you're higher on the SD scale cough cough. I still have to buy all of the SD books and do more contemplation in order to understand and apply the model properly. All the knowledge I have about the model comes from Leo and a few articles online, and that's good enough as long as I don't get ahead of myself.

1.There is no secret that Trump is not very well educated in foreign affairs and geopolitics. However, the video he showed of him not knowing the difference between the Quds and the Kurds was before things started to heat up in Iran. I'm pretty sure he learned some stuff about the situation in Iran since then from his team. I'm not trying to defend him, but my point is that before taking drastic actions he'll be informed about the general situation in the region. This is what I think his team would do at least. 2. The 2nd video took place(November 2011) before he became a president(November 2016), and he's talking about Barack Obama.He said that Barack Obama thinks that a war with Iran would result in his re-election, not that he himself think that. It's just a video taken out of the context and used to demonize him. Very big red flag for a news source, in my opinion. 3.Good and valid point. 4.Good points again for pointing out disgusting lies. 5. & 6. Look, if you study both of the world wars, you'd know that the civilians and the common soldiers NEVER know what is taking place behind the scenes and that the government always uses propaganda to justify its aggression, and we make no exception today. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't immediately blame Trump for acts of terror or wars in the Middle East. Why? He's just a politician(a mediocre one I shall add), and orders to kill people come from generals and tacticians, not from politicians who don't even know that India and China share a border. The president of the US has enormous power, but that doesn't mean he calls all of the shots himself.He's got a team of prepared individuals who may know more stuff that the general public doesn't, and they ultimately advise and manipulate the president..we can't know what happens behind the closed doors.Every agressive action a country takes is for its own well being and survival.Remember that worse things had happened under Bush's administration. 7.Yes, he's an unstable and paranoid figure. Note that in the end the reported said "..he's ready to escalate things with Iran." Nothing happened fortunately, and it was just an unfunded assumption to throw mud at Trump. Honestly, I don't think this man is the best source to get your news from.Yes, Trump sucks, I agree, but this reporter is not treating the subject objectively, which should raise a red flag. Don't think that I appreciate Trump. I'm not American, but I'm sure as hell that it would be a big mistake for the US to re-elect him.

+1

So, this year I've entered my 1st year of college in computer science. Long story short, my depression which I have been ignoring for the past 4-5 years it's starting to take a toll on me and I'm considering dropping out. I'm paying no tuition since I had good results in exams and I don't find the subjects I'm studying particularly hard. The thing is, I'm so fucked up mentally that I'm thinking about suicide every day and I just can't get myself to study anything. I'm constantly distracting myself from my emotional problems to avoid facing them and I procrastinate on studying. I've got quite a few bad marks so far, and at this rate, I'll just fail all of my exams. That's what I did in high school as well, but with minimal effort I managed to finish it without many problems. Depression, stress and anxiety were eating me alive at the time but I digress. I can't afford therapy, and I even if I would, the mental health system in my country is so bad that I'll just get fed medication every day in a hospital only to numb down my emotions. I did try to meditate, but I couldn't maintain the habit going for long. Same for journaling and shadow work. Noticed positive results, but I'm just dropping and picking them up again. At this point, I just want to drop out of college and then isolate myself in a cabin somewhere in a forest where I'll just spend time thinking whatever I should continue to live or not.I no longer want to struggle to create a beautiful life for myself and improve myself. I've realized that happiness is nothing more but an ideal which I can't attain and it's futile to pursue it. My problem is that if I'll drop out of college, I'll just cause my parents to suffer greatly, especially if I'm going to open up about my emotional problems. They'll worry, get scared, become aggressive etc. I'm too tired and fearful to face such a situation. I'm also financially dependent on my parents, which is pathetic, I know, so I can't just move out and try to sort things out. To recap, I want to drop out, but that would just fuck up my parents mentally even more than they already are, and I just want to be guilty of that. I haven't felt freedom or happiness in years, and quite frankly I'm just tired of living and trying to make myself want to live. If I could, I'd just choose to fade away from reality. I should have never been born, things would have been so much better for everyone. Sorry if my thoughts were all over the place, but I've got a mild headache and feel like I want to lay on the ground and do nothing.

@Maximus Well, that sounds good on paper. But I just can't identify my passion. Everything I do feels like escapism. I also just can't take pleasure in anything I once enjoyed. Everything is just hollow.

@Inliytened1 It's not really about what they'll think about me, it's more about how it would affect them. Both were suicidal and me just confessing about how I really am will just bring those feelings back and make them feel like shit. My father also suffered a stroke a few years back and this will just make his condition worse. I'm literally a walking curse. Edit: There is no way to get psychedelics in my country other than drug dealers, and who know what shit they could give to me.

@Dumuzzi Although I do appreciate your input, it's bold of you to assume so much things without the proper context. I went to charities and helped disable people and animals. I know how bad people are being treated all around the world and what horrors people had to endure in history. My education is free because I got good marks on exams, I get a scholarship and I also fix laptops and solve problems for other people in spare time and I'm doing my best not ever asking money from my parents and managing my little budget that I have. Also I've been emotionally(and sometimes physically) abused growing up, my family was far from "soft", as you're confidently assuming.At 15 my mother beat me because I've wanted to work at a local walmart. I'm also aware that this is almost objectively the best time to be alive, as a human being. Having done all of that, I'm still suicidal, because I'm a selfish piece of garbage. With that out of the way, your "tough love" attitude towards fucked up, depressed and suicidal people is not productive. Imagine a dying elephant on the side of the road who's screaming and crying. What you're doing with your philosophy, is kicking the elephant in his eye, annoying him and making him more miserable. I'm not saying that because I want to defend my own little petty ego, as you're surely thinking right now, but to convince you that this approach is not suitable towards depressed people. I don't know which is the correct approach, but this is not the way to go. You think that by making me feel more miserable and bad for what a close minded, myopic, ungrateful person I am will make me feel better? Lol! Like I didn't know what a piece of shit of a human being I am for not taking advantage of all of the gifts and opportunities my environment is offering and how miserable I'm making other people by just existing next to them. "life will eventually do it for you and you won't like that..." If that involves being poor on the streets and my family completely forgetting about me, or a bag of bricks falling on me, I'm all for it.

"Somehow ended up designing and printing" Really mate?

Why does it ask for a ZIP/Postal Code? Also thank you very much.

Okay, so, someone(probably) just killed himself /herself and all I see is mocking, memes, jokes and all sort of individuals showing off their "knowledge" and spiritual egos... I find this interesting, yet horrifying. Honestly, I can't see how you can make the decision to kill yourself out of a place of consciousness and enlightment,most of the time it would come from a place of suffering and loneliness. The truth is that no of you personally knew him/her, so you don't know what kind of person he/she was or what kind of problems he/she was facing, so you should shut up. You are just making assumptions about his "conscious death" that came from a "place of free will". Also, please imagine you are one of his/her relatives and you discover this particular post... You'll see people making jokes and memes instead of trying to help or at least get to the reasons behind this action.Isn't it a bit weird why he hasn't fully expressed his reasons for committing suicide? I highly doubt that most of you are enlightened, yet most of you claim to know what happens after death and claim to have knowledge about the mechanics of the existence itself - _-...when in fact they are just beliefs. Spiritual egos are indeed dangerous. I'm pretty sure people will start mocking me subtly. Go ahead, I'm not near the level of personal and spiritual development that you have attended, I surely need your valuable insights. Personally, I no longer see any purpose in continuing this thread, I would advise the mods to close it.

Your journal inspires me to start my own journal..I admire your courage to actually use a picture of yourself as the profile picture(you're cute by the way).I've barely got myself to upload my profile picture,which is not me. I'm currently paralyzed by the fact that I know I'll have to speak out in class in the following weeks.I felt either stress or anxiety all day long and I couldn't study anything to actually get ready for school.

I try to do basic shadow work by writing.I start off with a question like "How do I feel?","Why am I lazy?" and then just start asking "why?" to the answers that I generate.This way you can get in touch with different parts of you and find out what they truly want and create integration.Not as effective as child work or diving deep into your emotions and asking them directly why they arise,but it helps you gain awareness regarding certain parts of yourself.I might feel a little "lighter" after some writing sessions,so I guess it's effective at some degree.

@Commodent Thank you very much,I've done this unconsciously a few times and I noticed it working.I'll try to turn this into a conscious process.

@Commodent Thank you so much for this post, it's eye opening. I'd like to ask you what practical things you do to bring up your emotions and grieve them.Most of the time I feel numb and when I sit down and start journaling feelings may come up,but very weakly and they go away fast.

Could someone recommend a book that explains what emotions are,what they mean and their overall mechanics? Edit:Concrete answers please...-_-

Thank you;)

Recently,while meditating,some of my body parts started to suddenly move.For example,the pectorals and the deltoids are "jumping",so to speak.My biceps may either jump,or move sideways.Sometimes,my feet start to move,or even my fingers(from my hands) might perform subtle movements.Today,my shoulderblades moved at the same time and the base of my spine jumped,if that makes any sense.Worth pointing out I meditate lying down. Am I doing something wrong?Today,the frequency of the movements has increased,compared to the previous meditation sessions.They are not violent nor disturbing,yet I don't know what they ought to represent.

@Elysian Thank you for the article,it made me understand my situation better.Just finished my today's meditation session and the body movements got stronger.I moved my legs and my back.It was weird,but felt like I was healing.I feel lighter in some areas of my body.Do I have to worry about spontaneous movements throughout the day?I don't want to have body spams at school or something.

I see,so it's a good sign,thank you all. @SFRL I am using a pillow and the back of my head still hurts after long sessions.

@SFRL I see.How much time are you meditating per day?I meditate for 30 minutes lying down and I notice that the back of my head my start to hurt because I don't change my head position.Do you experience the same problem?

@Hellspeed Thank you for your answer.I Googled Muladhara,since I don't know what it meant,and found out it's the root chakra located at the base of the spine.I can see how you deduced that energy is released from Muladhara since my spine jumped.However,does that explain the rest of the movements,like my arms and chest muscles ones? Also,if energy is being released from Muladhara,is that a good thing?As you can see, I'm new to this domain of chakras.I'd appreciate a brief explanation.

+1

This morning,after I ate my breakfast,I decided to meditate.I was sitting on a chair,straight up spine,hands on my legs facing up.I'm meditating for 30 minutes using the do nothing technique.I usually center myself by breathing deeply a few times.Today I felt a tightness in my chest,and I couldn't breathe deeply because of it(this happens often,but it goes away relatively fast).So I started breathing deeply at a regular pace,and I noticed a tingling and numbness sensation appeared in the middle of chest, above of where the tightness was present,and it has gotten rapidly more intense. I decided to breathe normally until the sensation would go away.However,it kept growing in intensity and that tingling and numbness sensation made it's way to my head(in the area of the Phone Bone).As it was getting worse,I freaked out a bit and stopped.It has been 10 minutes of meditation.I took a 2 minutes break and started again.This time, the sensation reappeared in my left foot and right hand simultaneously,and yet again it made it's way up the middle of my chest and head(this time the face's muscles were involved too).I also felt like there was something rising up from the base of my neck (kind of like the sensation you feel before vomiting,but not that bad).5 minutes later,I have taken another 3 minutes break.I tried standing up and I felt lighter in the extremities of my body,and also my chest felt heavier.After that I started again,the sensation was there,but not with such high intensity,it was bearable.When my meditation session was over I felt lighter in the whole body and the numbness was gone. I'm not sick,or taking medication of any kind.Have I done something wrong when I meditated? It's the first time this happened to me..also,for some reason I started to dream a lot at night.. sometimes I have 2-3 different dreams.