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Everything posted by Espaim

  1. Starting right now. I'm shitting my pants just thinking this. I'm currently reading Radical Honesty. Holy shit. I fear that I'll lose some friends and people will start being polarizing towards me. I won't be able to please the same people I used to hang out. I won't have any excuses to do shitty acts or not do what I actually want to do. I don't feel secure on where this behaviour will take me. Maybe I'll get beaten out? Maybe jailed? Maybe my family won't like my nice guy appearence anymore? Maybe my friends won't like my nice guy appearence anymore? I want to show people how much they bullshit. I get a thrill when showing people how much they bullshit themselves. It seems like this post here is bullshit. I feel like I am bullshiting myself. Psychedelics and molly have showed me how it's to be totally honest. I'm only not that way normally because I fear for my separated self. The lines above are also bullshit. I'll have to tell people sober-faced a lot of shit I have been withholding. I also like to think I would be a superior person doing that. I CAN TELL THE TRUTH. YOU CAN'T, YOU COWARD. This post was posted out of pure and complete fear. Fear of what I might become if I drop this identity I'm holding onto right now. I feel like I can't stay bullshiting myself any longer though. It's like an one-way Psychedelics showed me my total ignorance and bullshiting. I feel like my ego is melting and this is totally frightening. And finally, I still think all of this is bullshit and I'm just trying to avoid my fear or hear some conforting words.
  2. Many of her videos could be useful to you. Go through some and dont forget: actually do the work!!! Leo also has several videos on the topic. This is going to be a long journey but I'm sure you can do it. Good luck!
  3. I got conscious of my devilry on a LSD trip and now I can't identify myself anymore as spiritual or woke. There's a lot of work to do.
  4. I was being over dramatic . I'm a little bit of a drama king usually hahaha I have this one friend that is also into self-development. Sometimes we don't agree on some things and we have long discussions about some topics. I noticed that sometimes I try to impose my opinion on him. So, the "day I fucked up" was when out of the blue that realization come to me and I told him by audio on whatsapp what I really think. The way I told him wasn't the best because I was maniac on stimulants and I had some fucked up DMT trip the day before. I explained what happened and he didn't even listen the audio, so my fearful ass got saved. Now I think actually it would have been better in some ways if he actually listened to the audio, I also went and told my dad how angry I was at him for imposing shoulds on me everyday and I spoke about my frustration of never receiving any compliments for what I do right. Then a ding happened in my head. Lol, I actually want to do some things he tells me, I was just rationalizing being a victim to not do the tasks, and my dad telling me to do triggered my victim mindset. After that he said there was no problem, he understands me.
  5. This didn't go as expected Many self-deception mechanisms are coming to surface and it hurts
  6. Not at all. I find it cool to have a device with dozens of books that I can take anywhere. I usually juggle with 2/3 books at a time so it's nice to have them in one place.
  7. Another one: microdosing psychedelics. Also, check r/nootropics and r/microdosing on Reddit!!
  8. Not Leo but after some psychedelic experiences(mushrooms, LSD, DMT) many, many of my neurosis got crushed. The main one was social anxiety and some bad habits I had towards other people. Victim mindset got obliterated after I realized I create my own reality and feelings. Can't wait to have access to 5-MeO lol
  9. Set apart 100 bucks and do some psychedelics before making the decision I'm serious.
  10. It's funny to see such chaotic discussion on this forum lol. Seems like I'm on Facebook or Reddit. @JessiChell There's a good opportunity for growth here. Can you notice why you did get triggered? What ideas people posted here that triggered strong emotions? How do you relate to these ideias? How does it feel if you say "I am (such and such things I hate)"? No need to reply me. Just food for thought.
  11. Nice!! You go man! Remember, you are the one who grew the balls to do it. Leo just showed you it's possible. You are the friggin beast.
  12. This is my opinion, but maybe you don't need to create a sense of identity. You just need to drop your current identity. Your authentic self them will finally get the opportunity to shine and show the world how awesome he is. you need to allow him to get out though the best part: he is urging to get out all the time. you don't even need to ask.
  13. Man, I don't know if you know this but you created your own depression. Other people hating you didn't create it. You created it. Why would you? That's something you'll have to discover by yourself. Or not. And you know the best part? If you created it, you can un-create it. Awesome. I'd recommend you what those videos: Why do you think you don't have the freedom to be yourself? To be authentic? Is this fear of being judged? Are you going to base your capability of express yourself based in fear? You are also creating your lack of freedom. You always have the freedom to be yourself. Be yourself now. What do you want to do that this freedom doesn't allow you to do? Do it. Also, check this thread: Do the exercise that Nahm recommends. Or don't.
  14. What fears did Leo's advice help you face?
  15. @lmfao About the sex drive part: I noticed that I had a lot of repressed shit about relationships, rejection and love. Working on that first made my sex drive go wild. As I kept going, it got somewhat balanced and now I have a healthy relation to my urges. I was planning to go out find a girl before quarantine but my plans went bad . If you stop completely, I would recommend finding a healthier alternative because you may get very low after using an antidepressive for 2 years. 8 months was enough to fuck me up for a good period. I started meditation while I was on Lexapro and it was the best habit overall that helped me get off it. If you don't already, I would recommend you start. That's a very useful tool. When I started I couldn't do 5 minutes. Now currently doing 30 minutes a day on average. I went to 1h for some time but I found that to be too much for my lazy ass. Anyway, don't take anything I say too literally. You are a different person and may get more benefits doing another practices. I went through that hell and I know how it's to be there. I wish you the best
  16. Become conscious of how you are creating your own victim mindset. If you really become conscious of how you are doing it you won't be able to stay living that way.
  17. I used to take Lexapro for anxiety. I took it for 8 months before realizing what I was getting into. Exercising was so fucking hard on it and I didn't enjoy doing anything. I think that maybe I got even more depressed than before trying them. I only thought about suicide while on antidepressants(lol). After all that, I discovered that the source of my anxiety was caffeine and I just cut it for good. My psychiatrist said I could just drink coffee and that there was no problem After I stopped taking it I had like zero motivation or sex drive for one year or so. If I could, I wouldn't even take the first pill. No regrets though. If I haven't done that I wouldn't find psychedelics. I only started recovering properly almost 2 years later. I juggled with some nootropics here and there but with low success. Currently I started microdosing LSD to see where it takes me.
  18. Those seem like limiting beliefs. If you can read this sentence, you can develop all that. I somewhat know how it's to be lost. With the help of psychedelics and figuring out my blindspots I'm getting back on the track slowly. After starting this work my motivation changed a lot for sure. The structure of my thinking changed, so changed my goals and vision. I would say you are probably now way better theorized than your older self. Nevertheless, the same changed thoughts and too much theory can be setbacks to your development. Maybe reconsidering your use of psychedelics could help you sorting your thoughts out. Microdosing or low dose trips. It's important you try new ways of looking into your situation as that may give you powerful insights. Psychedelics make it easier to see yourself from a detached perspective, as you probably know better than me (I haven't tripped that much). Also, do you have a dream board?
  19. After reading this I noticed I'm lacking the goal-setting skillz. I used to be so productive but something happened in the way and I went totally lazy. Now I think that maybe I lost my ability to set meaningful goals. I watched so many of Leo's videos but some of the basics went over my head. Thanks!
  20. I currently have around five DMT trips in my belt. I find DMT (vaped) to have distracting visuals and is too short. It kills the ego pretty well but there's little time to contemplate or meditate. It's BAM IN YOUR FACE then gone. I never tried Ayahuasca or Pharmahuasca. The short lived characteristic of the experience could be a positive too lol. ATM I have a lot of free time thanks to the quarantine. Maybe DMT would be better if I was pretty busy.
  21. It's not bad nor good. It's what you make it to be. I don't find value in it for consciouness work. I prefer to take psychedelics. If your goal is to get high, then use the tool to get high. If you want to do consciousness work, use the tools to do consciousness work. Have you explored other options to help you sleep? Weed affects sleep too and maybe you'll be getting faster or more sleep but with other negatives.
  22. Yes Meaninglessness isn't necessarily negative. That's a meaning you attributed to it. I went through something similar some months ago but to be honest my whole personality changed. I don't even know how I arrived at where I am but the awakenings I had had a great amount of influence. The mood swings stopped but my motivation for doing or not doing things changed a lot. I'd recommend you to watch those videos:
  23. 65 ug got me fked in the ass. I had the almost the whole buffet of realizations possible on a trip(although I already had some realizations on other psychedelics and while sober). I'd recommend to start low and go up. What if you are as sensitive as me and you transcend your human body with 50ug?(lol)not that it would be a bad thing but who knows?