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About billytblack

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  1. Yeah I think worries of the future are the worst. I guess I need to move a bit and do other things. I'm fine now, but this morning was hell for me.. even though I know thoughts come and go, when I'm trapped I feel hopeless. Good news though, 2 min ago the Buddhist school sent me a phone number of a Buddhist therapist that I can call. thanks for all the support, this really helped me calm down a bit
  2. The here and now scares me too. Will I have sex still, will I have a job, will I still want to workout, will I be able to be a dad.. Is the body real then? Is there anyone could tell me how going beyond thoughts changed their life ?
  3. I don't know where to start. I've been watching Leo's video for 4-5 years now and as you all know during the past 2 years or so he went deeper and deeper into the "truth". During the last two weeks, I've been living a nightmare. I went to the emergency 3x because I had thoughts of "I'm going to die".. as if the personality was going to die. I'm shaking in fear, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I've been meditating for 2 years now, but it seems I've watched too many videos where people saying "it's an illusion, nothing is real, you are god, death is an illusion, etc". I'm pretty sure my mind is now creating a fake enlightenment. I feel like nothing is real, I'm not real, why not dying now. Even though, I'm still afraid of many things, I still have desires. I never wanted to know the truth, I just wanted to be happy. I tried contacting a Buddhist school close to where I am, but they told me to see a psychiatrist. But what am I going to say to the guy.. "hey by the way you are not real". I'm slowly running out of options I feel. Anyone could help me?
  4. @Nickyy Yeah I think you are right. I recall just being there, thoughts barely noticeable and detached from the body. Probably the mind freaked out and got into this 'nothingness loop of thinking'. Anyway, I need to be careful with this if I don't wanna loose control and do stupid things while going through with the process liberation.
  5. Thanks. I wasn't clear of the context it's true. I had not consumed any drugs that day, and that's probably why I freaked out. Usually on psychedelics I can always write a note to remind me that it will be ok, it's just a drug trip. Basically I was being in the moment as much as I could and then I suddenly had an urge to watch a certain part of Eckhart Tolle's speech, which is weird because I hadn't been into his lectures for months. And everything just clicked when he started talking. I just got into this weird state for hours. But I guess you're right; I must stay vigilant of ego's tactics and get more experienced with this process.
  6. Two days ago, I had the most profound experience so far in my spiritual quest. Briefly put, for a whole 7-8hours it seemed as if I got it all. It was so unpleasant to know. There is no me, I don't exist, this voice is not real, this body is not me, the air and everything else is the same as nothing. I am nothing. For hours I was alone in my bed, shaking with fear. My body would go from shivering cold and then suddenly everything would get super warm and full of terror. I can still hear my heart pounding in my chest, my spine being feeling weird and stuck. I was trying so hard to get lost in my mind again, to get back to the illusion as this was unbearable. I was trying to surrender, to let it go. I'm not sure what happened still. I never had a bad trip on psychedelic so I don't know how to compare my experience. It just felt like I was dying.. and not like physically dying.. even worst. I'm fine now, but damn that was so scary.. even so that the only option seemed almost to actually die; to put an end to the suffering. I didn't quite believe Leo when I watched one of his latest videos on 'The dangers of spiritial work'. Or rather I did not think it could be that bad. But now it makes me rethink the whole thing. All I ever wanted was to find peace of mind, to be happy. Maybe going towards knowing the TRUTH is not what I really want.. or I'm maybe just not ready yet. Anyway, Be careful people
  7. This has changed my life on so many levels.
  8. TRIP REPORT: WHAT: 4g Psilocybin Ate breakfast before Stayed sleeping down on my back with my eye closed most of the trip Oh boy, how that trip was different from the other two before. I had lots of questions in mind and.. all of them were answered dead on. The trip really felt like a 'tour in a human life' thing. I'll try to be brief about my experience. My learnings will be at the end. 12:00pm It started off like usual, then got troubled by negative thoughts. But the answer was simple: Negative thoughts are just a label. Thoughts will always pop up. They are like flies flying around. Just don't bother. My eyes were still open at that point and I remember looking at my hand: I had 7 fingers wtf! It made me laugh so hard. Then I closed my eyes for the rest of the trip. I was just laughing A LOT. 1:00pm At some point I started to giggle so much, to have a blast, feeling my soft skin, the love, thinking that I am so pretty and life is beautiful, so much so that I really started to believe I was a woman. Again, hard to explain, but I was really starting to freak out: ' Am I a woman?'. Then what happen after that is crazy. I saw and felt the raw, aggressive, unmovable, calculated, powerful masculine energy come up from the bottom of my legs; like a beast or a dragon and all my groin area became red with furiousness. That stopped the giggle instantly and the feminine part of me got so drawn to the masculine, like a magnet; impossible to say no to it, even if it looked dangerous. The feminine literally got swept off her feet by the masculine, and the masculine's fury got calmed down the feminine energy. For the first time in my life, I felt like a man. Period. I now understand how my dad is a fucking beast. 2:25pm At some other point, I was laying in a big church, with huge glass windows (I'm not religious btw). There were chants, and it smelled like incense/candles. I was there, about to die, on a rock bed in the center of the cathedral.. it took a while haha, but before letting go my last words were: Just be. And then I let go, back to god. This next moment was really something. I could see/feel emptiness, supreme power behind me, behind my heart/head. This one I can't explain it, but wow. After this 'emptiness moment', I slowly came back to my senses and spent some time in my mom's belly, I could hear everything as if I was inside. I was crawled into my bed at this point, with my hands on my heart. I could hear my parents talk through the belly I was in. 4:30pm End of the trip LEARNINGS: -Sharpen that focus, intent, aggressiveness. Set my own boundaries, be clear, be organized, be in control. BE A MAN. -Stop lying about little things all the time. -Use frustration and anger for the best, not the worst. -The lower part of the body is where masculine energy resides, the top part is the emotional, creative feminine. -Just be, so simple. We make our lives so difficult. -Let go immediately of any attachment. Like in improv, the longer you stay attached to an idea, the worse it becomes for the scene. It's ok to have thoughts, but don’t get attached to them, move on. -Call dad to say thank you for everything he did. -I need to give love, that’s a big missing part in my life. -Remove noise in life (clean apt, distractions, tv, etc). -Labels; STOP labeling. -Perfection is a concept, concepts are made out of words. -Let the body learn, no need for the mind to always control. -There will never be an ultimate answer, not even with 100 lifetimes could someone understand 'it'. I agree with Leo that psychedelics, when used properly, are an extremely valuable tool to learn things that could take you months or years otherwise. NEXT STEP: 10mg 5meo ?
  9. thanks ! I'll try to keep it down on my eating before.. see if it helps. I'll wait a bit before the next trip, I wanna make some changes first, then... yeah I have a feeling it will hit pretty hard
  10. TRIP REPORT: WHAT: 2.5g Psilocybin Ate lunch before (woke up at noon) 1:25pm I took the mushroom and waited about 20 minutes before it actually started to take action. Already I knew that the trip would be a bit more powerful because I was feeling very disoriented quickly. 2:00pm-2:40pm My feet felt like they were a bit wet so I took off my socks and decided to lay down, my feet next to the heater. Sometimes I would get too close to the heat source and it would hurt.. but it felt different. Suddenly it hit me; pain is just an information. The body is just wood and flesh. This body could burn/disappear, but I would still be here. Then I noticed I was trying to control the situation and the feeling; so I decided to lay down on my bed and let go. My mind started to express social fears about men, women, love, death, etc. Everybody is afraid, everybody wants to be loved.. it's scary when you think about it. 2:40pm-3:30pm I closed my eyes.. and I don't know what happened, but I have never felt so much love in this body. I could see love, feel it in every inch of this body.. I could see that there's nothing to fear about physical death, because there is so much love at the source of every being. I don't remember having any thoughts or anything; the experience was so powerful. 3:30pm-5:00pm I was feeling a bit weird and I slowly got back to a 'normal' state. I like shrooms, but the first and last 45min of a trip are a bit unpleasant; I feel dizzy and like I wanna puke of something. LEARNINGS I had a lot of breakthroughs, but here are my most important: -Everybody is scared, we are all on the same boat. It's time to be honest about it. -I need to be real/honest and to start talking/acting like a grown man. -Be here with everything, just watch. -There's so much love here and now. -Don't see thoughts as enemies; welcome them to the party. Relax as you let it be. -Don't worry about death, just close your eyes and let go. NEXT STEP: 4g Psilocybin
  11. What I changed during the past 2 months: DAIRY PRODUCTS -I completely removed dairy products from my diet. No milk, no cheese, no cream, no yogurt, etc. I occasionally eat butter if needed for some recipe, but that's it. -I replaced milk with almond milk for recipes and my iced coffee. DELI PRODUCTS -I don't eat salami, ham, pastrami, sausages and all that tasty stuff anymore. WHEAT -I no longer buy 'normal' bread and I avoid eating pasta as much as I can. I completely removed baked goods containing lots of sugar like; donuts, cakes, cookies, etc. -I buy multi-grain bread (12 different types of grains for more nutriments) and eat rice instead of pasta. SUGAR -I removed about 30% of my sugar intake by doing things like; making my own iced coffee (4g sugar instead of 40g); removing pastries; eating fresh food, not stuff in cans; no more candy (except 75%+ dark chocolate) FRUITS AND VEGGIES -I eat 1 big bowl of veggies 2x/day and eat fruits when I have a small sugar craving. EVERYDAY SUPPLEMENTS -Drink 3 liters of water everyday -multi-vitamin (1pill) -vitamin C (1000mg) -vitamin d (2000IU) -omega 3 (1000mg) -maca (500mg) MY NEXT STEPS: -cut down on pork and beef > replace by fish and eggs What I noticed: -The first thing I noticed 2-3 days after cutting dairy products is that half of my acne had just vanished. The other half is pretty much gone now, probably due to the drop in the amount of sugar I take. The big difference I guess, mostly do to the veggies and supplements, is that everything is more fluid.. I don't get tired as easily, I can wake up at 7am and it's not a problem, I can last longer when I exercise, I don't get sick (or rarely do), etc Important: You have to go step by step, if you do everything all at once, your mind and body will probably freak out a bit haha.
  12. thanks ! I can feel it.. I'm onto something huge !
  13. I'll copy/paste the exact trip report I wrote for myself right after my trip. I had never taken anything like that before, but it was a great experience though. I'll definitely do it again soon. ___ TRIP REPORT: WHAT: 1.5g Psilocybin Ate only breakfast before (woke up at noon) 2:00pm-3:00pm: Nervous a bit, didn't know what would happen. Did 15min of meditation. Slow build up, at first just feeling a bit like taking a coffee then slowly felt like when I was on Ritalin. 3:00pm-4:00pm: Racing thoughts, so many thoughts with each of them a complex story that would appear and disappear in a flash (2-3 seconds). I was feeling a bit dizzy, like when mdma hits you the first 10 minutes. 4:00pm: Realized that thoughts are just distractions to avoid dealing with the truth. The only thing that matters is answering the question 'who am I'. And the only way to answer this questions is to stay in silence. Who/what is the watcher? This hand is not mine, those legs are not me, that head, that penis... This is just the body of an animal, it's just a game; nothing matters. 4:30pm: I just decided to lay on my bed(as I was sitting before). It feels so good right now. I experienced a couple visual effects; lines were shaped differently than usual and I would visualize crazy lights when eyes closed. 5:30pm: Pretty much back as I was feeling before I ingested the psilocybin. But the feeling of 'letting go' stayed for a while so I went and took a 2h walk. IMPORTANT LEARNINGS: -things never go as planned; sometimes it goes better/worst, and it's good. Anyway it's just a big game to watch. -MY fear, MY doubts, MY feelings; it's only relevant because of the attachment to the sense of person-hood. -Need to watch and accept pain as it's the main defense the ego has. -Need to accept life, to stop lying and be honest about everything. -Thoughts are irrelevant, let them be. Stay as the self -Focus meditation and total involvement is what works so far. I must spend more efforts on it. Next step: 2.5g ___