SQAAD

@gettoefl This issue is a tough pill to swallow.....

@Breakingthewall The issue of torture is the one i am struggling to accept or integrate the most. It's just too shocking. And the levels of brutality and pain are just unimaginably horrendous.... Whatever your worst dreams are , God can be all those things it seems. Makes you depressed sometimes. Nihilistic. Especially if you ever watch some gore videos like funkytown (this is the worst, don't watch it. There are commentaries on youtube about it though). Stuff like that leaves you mental scars. I miss the old times when non-duality was all fun and games for me. Now it has become more serious and dark... Sometimes i get dreams about torture. And it leaves me with a weird feeling of dread.......I am like ''why does this sh*t need to exist, screw you God'' lol

@iboughtleosbooklist Check out this video. I think you'll like it. Basically if your expectations are too high you're gonna suffer enormously. I've come to terms that life is sh*tty (and beautiful) and things won't go my way most of the time. There is enormous suffering in this world. That we can't hide under the rag.

@Tim R I think Reality if it wanted to, it would not be able to reject any part of itself. Like a cup can't stop being a cup. But that doesn't make the cup Love.

I would love to dissolve permanently all of reality and be for eternity in a state of nirvana like Buddha. No pain, No joy, no nothing. That would be the best. Like a deep sleep.

At 03:06:11 of this video Rupert talks about the nature of the finite mind. He claims that the only means we have to explore external Reality is through perception and thought. The finite mind filters everything it knows through its own limitations and the finite mind cannot perceive reality in the absence of those limitations. Leo what do you think about all of this? Is Rupert Spira God realised? I think your claim is that we have unmediated access to reality. Why Rupert is creating duality between perception and reality?

@Leo Gura Right now i am texting you. I believe that you are conscious over there in America. Every person i see i believe that they have their own vantage point. In a dream at night i don't believe that other entities have their own vantage point after i've woke up. Basically i believe that there are all these other entities who are also conscious like me. Also in a dream at night when i am talking to an elephant , i am not also conscious as the elephant. The elephant has no vantage point at all. But here if i were to talk to an elephant, i would assume that i am also the elephant at the same time (meaning that i have the vantage point of the elephant).

I don't feel comfortable with the prospect of being God. This is why if i trip hard , i get terrified. Because i don't wanna be everyone and everything. It's too much if you really think about it... Sometimes i find myself thinking what it would be like to live all sorts of different lives. Lives that are super miserable. And some super gruesome...and super super painful....... I don't know how a more experienced seeker or psychonaut has dealt with this issue. I cannot accept easily that i am God. I prefer just being a human who will die and then that's it, game over. Thats the more comfortable scenario...

I tend to agree with Rupert... Why is Leo kinda denying the vantage point of other people? If i am honest i don't know if other people are conscious or not at this moment. I can only be sure of what is in my direct experience. But in this way i cannot deny or confirm the vantage point of someone else..

I love the reporter in this video. Lol. He is doing a documentary on meth. And wants to understand why people get addicted to this stuff. So he tries meth for journalistic purposes. This guy puts some skin in the game. Dumb or brave , who is to decide? But i am impressed to say the least. He is willing to risk few brain cells for the larger purpose.

Yes i agree. God is so terrifying that it probably takes you decades to come to terms with what it means to be God. This work is very serious. And is very difficult.

@Terell Kirby Thank you.

@Cireeric You described it beautifully there... This fear of God/Infinity is something i face if i trip deep.... Because if you trip really deep then you will eventually become God.. The love part doesn't help me... If my finger is being cut off , whether its love or not doesn't change my situation.... Sometimes i get depressed about Enlightment. Because it is just a recontextualization. Even though it has tremendous benefits, no doubt about that. But when you first get into this work, you expect to levitate once you awaken. Lol.

@blackchair I remember once i was tripping hard and i was absolutely terrified that i would become someone who would be beheaded. Lol. I was crying for my mum. I was begging to forget everything about non-duality. Basically you come up against your worst fears i believe..... Only once i had the privilege to become absolutely infinite. At first it was all fun. Because when you first get into this work, you think about all the positives. I am all wealthy people, i am Bill Gates, i am Buddha etc etc But at the end when i was beginning to realize that i am also all accidents, all rapes, all torturees etc then i got freaked out. My ego was not ready to handle it...Lol It was a rude awakening. But i find that as time goes by, this insights get baked into me slowly and i become more comfortable with the Truth.... But it takes time.....I am still not there. This issue of fear of God has not been addressed by most spiritual teachers on Yt. Leo has touched this issue.. Everybody else is all about love and joy. Nobody talks about the horrendous pain and suffering...

@Leo Gura How do you personally deal with terror??

@Tim R I can't love sh*t live that. This is the worst ever. God is a nutcase. Sh*t like that makes me wish God did never exist...

@Leo Gura I didn't know that he denies imagining other minds.. I don't know what his position about other minds is, i would like to know. It kinda doesn't make sense though because i think he believes that this is a dream that Consciousness dreams...

@Mu_ Thats a good point. It's super difficult to surrender. Ego always wants to control and manipulate its way out.

The last couple of weeks have been hell for me. A lot of my old demons have come out. A lot of sh*t that i haven't resolved yet. Many fears and tons of uncertainty about the future. I am having trouble trusting myself or even Reality. I see myself as someone who is trapped into a machine (body) and i have to live through sh*t that i don't wanna live through. The more things i learn about the brain, society etc the more depressed i become. Everything seems deterministic and fatalistic. For example if someone is born into poverty, his prefontal cortex will be less thick than the average. This is all very scary stuff.. And basically you have to endure whatever cards you were dealt with. Some people have to suffer through the trauma of poverty. (I don't struggle with poverty, i mention this as an example). I can't control my brain, nor my genetics, nor a million other stuff. I am having fears around the brain especially. I fear that as time goes by i won't be able to constrain myself as good as i can now. And that is a good assumption to make if you take neuroscience into account. Because as we age we lose neurons around the prefontal cortex and other areas. And we lose the ability to inhibit ourselves. So i may be doing dumb sh*t that i don't wanna be doing just because i am a slave to this machinery. All this fear comes up because i have no control over reality. I don't know if i will fk up my life because of inability to control urges in the future. This seems like a horror movie to me now. Maybe God enjoys horror movies. I can't trust reality and i can't even trust my own body. This is all very depressing. I've watched these two videos below. And i feel even worse. I feel like a robot. Victim to mechanistic laws. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcMKLwVlpJk&t=3266s

@Mason Riggle I like that. There is just tons of fear. A lot of stuff that i don't wanna experience. That is the challenge of life i guess. All the bad sh*t we don't wanna experience, we can experience...

@PurpleTree Mdma can be great if used properly. The high it provides is just unbelievable. The problem is people abuse it, they sometimes ingest impure mdma and they dance while they are high which can cause more damage because of the heat. Fortunately only once i danced while high on mdma. The other times i was just sitting in my room. Thanks God. To be honest i am really afraid of future consequences. Mdma can cause some permanent damage or at least long-lasting damage to the serotonin system. This can be a problem to users as they age because serotonin lessens as we age. So this could potentially lead to problems sleeping, memory problems etc. I guess a supplement or a drug that boosts your serotonin can help, For me personally i haven't noticed any brain damage. I am always in a good mood even when i am sad. I never get clinically depressed. It hasn't affected my intelligence or anything else. But i am afraid that it may have messed up my serotonin, I have no issues at the moment but i am still young. Maybe i will pay some price in the future. I just wish i was wiser in my early 20s but i really had no clue about drugs. I learned the hard way lol. If i could go back , i would use this substance again BUT a lot more responsibly. And only a few times. If i was few hours away from dying, this would be the substance i would love to take. Lol. It would make everything so beautiful. Infinitely beautiful.

@Leo Gura Wait a minute, i don't get this... You mean 20 orgasms in a row?? What about the refractory period? You would have to wait at least few minutes. How do you count one session? For me one session = one orgasm.

Cravings for me are the worst thing ever. It feels like i am being roasted alive by the devil. If i take an addictive substance (coffee for example), eat a highly palpatable food or have a good sex then my brain immediately latches on seeking that pleasurable experience again. It gets stuck into wanting to recreate the same experience. This creates intense cravings for me which causes tons of suffering. The suffering is not escapable. If i don't chase the craving i still suffer because my brain keeps harassing me to do the substance/activity. It plays on a loop the feeling of the substance and how good it would be to have it. It's painful. Feels like i am losing on something. It's like i have a devil on my head who keeps torturing me until i give in. Some times i give in. Most of the times i don't. I've learned how it works. It feels like if i don't chase to fullfill the craving, the suffering will never go away. Eventually if i remain non-reactive the intense craving goes away within a day or two. But not without creating distress. Basically i want to fullfill the craving so the suffering goes away rather than to gain pleasure. This has made me avoid addictive experiences/substances as much as possible. Because i know how i might suffer afterwards. I don't get intense cravings with everything and not all the time. But is a pattern that keeps occuring quite regularly. I don't know how other peoples brain work. For me addiction is not a matter of wisdom or intelligence. It's more like a weakness in the system. My brain gets stuck on details that most people would overlook. This is strength on other areas but a weakness also. Because you see the trees rather than the forest. No matter what i do , i cannot escape the cravings and the suffering associated with them. It's a very annoying feature that cannot be avoided.

I don't know about God's gender. But i know for sure God is a nutcase.

@Yeah Yeah Lol