Zigzag Idiot

@mandyjw I love that signature line. ? Just noticed it. I enjoy your YouTubes and encourage you to follow your dream. You have an honest presence on the Camera. There is a need for that in this world which is echoed by Jana Dixon in this excerpt I ran across earlier this evening. ,,,,,,,,,,,"Rick Jarow in his audiotapes Your Life's Work said that we don't know how to deal with shadow yet, and it might be centuries before we do. Perhaps this dealing with shadow is at the very heart of the whole suffering (non-enlightenment) issue. Of course dealing with shadow is suffering also, but there should be a skillful way to work with shadow that doesn't just automatically generate more. We could give a gross generalization and say that the say that the way to deal with shadow is through unconditional love...but do we actually personally see unconditional love in action around us, or felt the pure expression of it much? In the absence of enlightened love (which is the goal we are striving for in our shadow work), we must build an effective technology for incorporating shadow--and thus raise our consciousness in doing so. If we come from the vantage point that God is All--both dark and light we have to accept that what we interpret as darkness is just as wholesome and useful as the that we consider to be raspberries and cream...because both can be used in the service of greater consciousness, love and achievement. Both show us what needs to be done and which way to go. If we can accept the wholeness of Life, we do not have to expend huge amounts of energy repressing and avoiding one half of all phenomena. With a modicum of nonduality we can stop reacting to, running from and doing wasteful battle with the darker side of the light.",,,,,,,,,, From : http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=ShadowSabotageandSacrifice.html Also enjoyed similar sentiments from Alan Watts today as well.

Busting up Neural Networks When I was about 9 - 10 years old I discovered the best snow sled ever. An old partial sheet of countertop Formica I found in the barn slid easily 3 times faster than store bought sleds or an inner tube when you put the slick side down. It worked great even on a thin sheet of sleet or snow. It couldn't be steered though. I think I attached some hay string to one corner. That allowed me to flare up one corner that I would sit behind and sail off a steep hill. On one occasion I didn't consider a group of horses at the bottom of the hill. Before they knew it I was right on them. I didn't consider rolling off the piece of Formica. Instead I sled right into the middle of them and being scared one of them kicked me in the forehead. I was only unconscious for a couple of minutes my childhood friend Greg said. My right eyebrow sat on top of a huge goose egg as they rushed me to the hospital. After an X-ray and a brief examination they sent me back home. I've had a lot of head injuries in my life. George Carlin said sometimes a little brain damage can help. I think there might be something to it. While my father had cancer he had a heart attack. This was about a year and a 1/2 before the Cancer got him. His heart blockage was so bad the Doctor told him he had partially grown his own bypass!! But it wasn't enough to offset the pace he lived life. I think about this in regard to making new neuronal networks. By necessity his heart tried growing its own bypass. I haven't researched it but the Heart Surgeon at the time said he had seen the phenomena before. Ive been a fan of Dr Joe Dispenza since that movie What The Bleep came out. I'm tempted to watch it again. For those who haven't seen it, he gives a good explanation about neuronal networks. I didn't pay much attention to Dr Joe for several years but lately I've been enjoying some of his YouTubes. Life goes by faster than you expect, the older you get. This was discussed between my uncle Bob and myself over the years. He was in an agoraphobic condition for a good part of his life.. Bob died a couple of years ago. Creative expression is sometimes nonsequitor. Abstract thinkers recognize one another.

I haven't had a bad mushroom trip since I've gotten back into psychedelics. As a teenager I had a couple of bad trips on lsd that left a lot of residual fear. I didn't try mushooms until a few months ago. I've tried mdma, nn dmt, 5 meo dmt, 2 CB and more. As a part of integration I need to come out of the closet as a daily Cannabis user. Graham Hancock, Terence McKenna among others have inspired me to be open about this. I smoked pot as a teenager and then quit it for about 15 years but started smoking it again to self medicate instead of taking Paxil. So to the industrial pharmaceutical complex and the Yahoo's still fighting the antiquated war on Cannabis - FUCK YOU! Well,,, God bless em, but fuck em. I take things too far quite often. An attribute of my Enneatype 6 personality. NN dmt is neat but I'm about through testing it as well as mdma. I've gotten to where I just love 5 meo dmt though. I've been vaporizing 20-25 mg through a dab bubbler. It's just amazing stuff. My first trip on lsd since re-entering psychedelics this last summer was kind of a shaky one. I took 1 tab @ about 100 ug. My next trip though I doubled down and took 2 tabs and it was a great experience. Before I knew it I was taking 500-600 ug pretty regular and noticed that I began to have a tolerance for it and so that demanded I back off some. One thing for sure is the fear I used to have about lsd is long gone.

Somewhat,,,,As Gurdjieff used the term Self Remembering. These occasions have revealed to me the stark difference between personality and Essence as well as the pervasiveness of identification with my ego/false personality at times, in part due to my conditioning. With these occasional states of Self Remembering I SEE things more as they truly are including where specific integration issues which are lacking.. I'm apprehensive of soley relying on these occasional instances for revealing the complete picture of all areas still in need of integration or maybe areas which are at the borderline of becoming integrated. Areas of deficient integration in life in which shawdows still persist but in which I have worked with internally and feel the dissolving light of healing has touched. These are the issues in which I feel more secure in revealing, to the world at large. And in doing so, I feel, the last threshold has been crossed into realm of the individuated person. But in areas in which I freeze up or shut down, for my own work, I feel it best to not reveal to the world. In part because of the tendency of those who completely lack integration often have the compulsion to bully through passive aggressive jabs. I've seen those who are considered 'good people' do this reather unconsciously which brings to mind Jesus's phrase 'forgive them for they know not what that do' In white water kayaking when the kayaker becomes what is called bombpoof in most turbulent of waters. This is when regardless of how bad the kayaker becomes flipped upside down they are able to flip back over rightsde and continue on. For me this is a good analogy for having a healthy degree of integration. Staying present and proactive in a scary situation until one is right side up and continuing with the flow. There is a lot more I feel I could go on about here concerning shadow work and integration. Excuse my late response. I began it last night around midnight and fell into a deep sleep for 14 hours! I very rarely do this. I took a heavy shroom trip yesterday which may have something to do with it.

I've been pondering on that imaginary line that gets crossed from green to yellow in Spiral Dynamics. From first tier to second tier. What are some distinctions here? How do we become different as we move into second tier? I no longer identify with narrative consciousness knowing I'm a ship of fools. In Witness Consciousness, the attention is divided between direct (predator) vision and the peripheral vision. Often when my heart center is open, it's like the pupils of my eyes begin to FEEL the world. The eyes see but also begin to feel the outer world. It has a remembering quality to it that is similar to smell. There is a recognition of - Oh! I was spiritually asleep again,,,, but now I am, as I was, once before. I think that this place on the Spiral is where we 'officially' become "twice borns". This move into second tier. Price of admission ticket is death-- ego death which manifests in a myriad of ways with variable speeds. The Higher can see the lower but the lower cannot see the higher. It's a welcome relief to discover the subtlety and freedom in Witness Consciousness. I've been a classic case of arrested development. I haven't integrated psychologically for a number of reasons. One reason is fear of being scapegoated by those of blue/0range worldview in my local (redneck) culture. I fear them because I have been one of them. I know the possibilities here, but fear just begets more fear. Long story short is - it doesn't matter if it isn't fair or situations become spooky. I've got to find a way to deal with it. Having a good taste of Witness Consciousness allows for the good/positive possibilities to manifest. Witness Consciousness creates a spaciousness where new things become possible. I'm happy being an introvert. I no longer feel a need to become extroverted. It was funny when I realized how uncomfortable I made a group of my aquaintences become just from me being present and in my quiet place. They were all more extroverted and outer oriented and very uncomfortable with silence. Integration for me means just being natural and allowing the space for an unfoldment to take place. An unfoldment of my natural potentials. Being silent is natural for me. To be continued,,,,,somewhere, sometime,,, maybe. I appreciate everyone who keeps a Journal here regardless of style or aim. ?‍♂️Hi everyone.

I found Actualized.org and started my Journal just over a year ago. I've annoyed, amused, and sometimes infuriated others at times, without intending to do so. I feel like I have grown some vertically. Transformationally in the last year. Stage growth is slow. Conceptually I understand this from Ken Wilbur audio explanations. My conceptual understanding of this now has more depth to it. States and stages,,,,, States of consciousness come and go,,,,. It's ok. It's just a part of the natural yo yo of Being. In my understanding, anyway. Growth in stages of consciousness can't be skipped over or hurried. I appreciate Leo's lengthy explanations of topics and having access to this forum. I've been binge-watching some his later episodes all day today. What constitutes spiritual sleep continues to become more recognizable. I observe this in myself everyday. This flux in essence of being and ego/personality.

Hugs back,,, @modmyth,,,,, thank you My ability to glibly rattle on or articulate an inspired tangent is a thing which often comes and goes. In a book I read once but became confused over whether it was Larry McMurtry or Hunter Thompson. It was stated when in a particular physical atmospheres/locations, at times the feeling of being tongue tide and not being able to properly explain themselves prevailed. I can relate to this idea. Pershaps this weird phenomenon expressed like this has some element of truth. I periodically feel tongue tied that seems somehow attached to the atmosphere of locations. Close but not expressly related to this. Today - Go visit Ma (Grandmother 96) in depressing as hell nursing home. Go to Mothers house for a family Christmas dinner. Hoping there will be less passive aggressive button pushing this evening unlike Sunday family Dinners. Going to try to observe my inner state throughout the day and stay present in the body/Conscious/Witnessing,, ,, BillW shared a Ram Dass quote yesterday. - "If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family."

Attention of the heart,,,,

@Bill W I agree. It quite a profound quote!

For what it's worth,,,,, Becoming fixated in the Spiritual Domain, there is a swing to the dichotomies of that domain. This can manifest in a positive sense as a focus on Spirituality on one side, or Realism at the other side. It can manifest in a negative sense as Fanaticism at one extreme or Skepticism at the other extreme. These dichotomies are represented by two characters: the Believer at one end, the Doubter at the other. Prejudices invade the consciousness in this domain. The stress of being fixated and imbalanced in this domain can lead to Sensuality as a compensatory mechanism. The poisons of this domain are Ignorance, Arrogance and Stupidity. The Trap which simultaneously restricts but potentially liberates this ego is its focus on Seeking. The Way of self-realization of this ego is the Way of Self-Awareness, which is “immensely mystical” and which entails becoming aware of one’s “internal inner clarity”. The Holy Idea which acts as a catalyzer for the transformation of this ego is Holy Love/ Divine Love. This can lead to the Virtue (energy) of Action. According to Ichazo, Divine Love is “The awareness that though the laws which govern reality are objective, they are not cold, because these cosmic laws inevitably lead to the creation of organic life, and Life itself, like all natural phenomena, fulfills a cosmic purpose. As soon as the mind’s word mechanism is destroyed, love, the natural condition of the mind, appears. Love begins the moment man contemplates the Creation and says, ‘Thank you, God.’ All men feel this somewhat, no animal can feel this at all. Man alone can know that all comes from God.” from: https://www.the16types.info/vbulletin/showthread.php/48274-Oscar-Ichazo-s-enneagram-descriptions

Light and Darkness Heaven and Earth are the same: phenomena, problems, things, and beings are the same everywhere. Sometimes they are more obscure, sometimes they are more illuminating. Regardless of how they appear, the path leads from darkness into light. The darkness is the source, the light is what comes from it. Regardless of what you do, you will never be totally in the light. This darkness is the source of my being. For the darkness is the root of love! The light of the darkness radiates brighter than the sun… Sorrow No one would make the decisive step without sorrow and doubt. But taking that step has nothing to do with sadness. It is shed like the skin of a snake. The darkness is able to generate the right reason, one more difficult, but also better, than the next. But it will not always be so. Some day love will shine upon you. Then sorrow will simply be the undertone of the resulting harmony. The path is there from the very beginning. Sometimes it is easier, sometimes harder. But one thing is essential: the depth emerges from the strength of sorrow. Without sorrow there is no course; without the course the path is not passable. Mourn – not over the self – but over what is yet to be done. Each day brings further sorrows, and eventually you will reach the original cause of sorrow. Then you can finally begin the ascent back. Rejoice in your sorrow, for the darkness will not remain with you much longer. From: https://schoolofwisdom.com/visions-and-poems/ Dont know if this is your cup of tea,,,, I just felt inspired to post it

I find the practice of having two 20-30 minute Centering Prayer practices per day sufficient . Studies have shown that a twenty minute stretch of Centering Prayer can have an effect on altering neural networks if gone about with any degree of diligence. Over time this has a cumulative effect in producing a more accessible Witnessing consciousness. ? Witness Consciousness to me feels like activating the intensity and clarity of an altruistic and benign honey badger minus the violent behavior. If done with any degree of earnestness, I feel it helps shoehorn my narrative consciousness into the more steady and equaninimous condition of witness consciousness, which after time develops a srtengthened morphogenetic field of its own. That is all. ?????? Underlying ligtheartness can provide an benefiviual cruicial element. False seriousness is often an impediment to intuition, openness and goodwill and a limited awareness.

@electroBeam Good question! @LfcCharlie4 @Nahm @Tanz @erik8lrl @mandyjw ???? ✌️ ? ?

My 'spirtual ego' is up on the stump shaking its finger at the unintegrated, yet identified pile of stuff in my collection of conditioned associations. Fueled by strong coffee/paint remover this morning. I'm preaching to the mirror in front of me,,,,,,, . We need a healthy ego before we can transcend it or before transformation can occur. Individuation as well as integration are both required. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Individuation Personality is the synthetic unity of all personal traits. All the mental traits—intelligence, emotions and sentiments, impulses, volitions, native and acquired reactions, must be organized and integrated into a unity. The uniting of all mental traits into per­sonality is called integration. Complete integration is the ideal of personality. A sound personality comprises reaction tendencies that are not loosely organized but closely related to integrated. They are gradually reorganized and reconstructed according to more dominant interests and ideals. Although gradually changing during long periods of time, the personality usually possesses a continuity of pattern which the person himself and others recognize. In every person there is the primary or dominant self, which is his innermost characteristic self. It has a special unity which tends to endure, and is expressed in certain familiar reaction tendencies.McDougall regards integration of personality as integration of intellect and integration of character all the conflicting reaction tendencies should be harmonized and organised gradually and integrated with the dominant trends. A personality should be well-integrated and flexible. An integrated and inflexible personality cannot adapt itself to the- changing environment. An ideal personality should be integrated and flexible. It should reveal in some degree the characteristics of integration, consistency, persistency, and flexibility. Disintegration of Personality: The conflicting reaction tendencies in a person may not be harmonized and organized into a unity. The disturbances of personality are due to disintegration or dissociation. The term dissociation applies to all forms of disintegration of consciousness into separate parts. It is a state in which certain activities are no longer integrated with the personality, but are split off from it and coexist with its other activities. It covers practically all mental abnormalities. There are sensory dissociation in the form of anesthesia ideational dissociation in the form of hallucinations and delusion, and motor dissociation in the form of automatisms. Dissociated or alternating personalities are interesting phenomena. Insanity is due to mental disintegration. An insane person is torn between conflicting demands of reality and hallucinatory, unreal world. From: http://www.psychologydiscussion.net/personality/integration-and-disintegration-of-personality-psychology/1683 and also a couple of quotes from Jana Dixon http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=ShadowSabotageandSacrifice.html The difference between prepersonal and transpersonal giving is that, prepersonal service is undertaken in order to find happiness through giving, while transpersonal generosity is enacted because we are already happy. The first is entropic or dissipatory and the second is syntropic and regenerative. Presence-awareness is not a denial of any part of our being, but a sensitization to the whole of it. And 3 quotes from Almaas Individuation is the Cosmic Conscious Presence Individualizing and Manifesting as the Personal Essence We have been discussing the process of personalization of the Cosmic Consciousness, which shows the direct relation of the Personal Essence to the formless realms of Being. It indicates, in an actual personal experience, that individuation is really the Cosmic Conscious Presence individualizing and manifesting as the Personal Essence. This process is also the deeper resolution of ego inadequacy. It is easy to see here that ego inadequacy is not only a consequence of the loss of contact with Essence, but also due to the separateness of ego boundaries that isolates the ego individuality from the Cosmic Presence. The Personal Essence has no inadequacy because it is directly connected to, and hence completely supported by, the Cosmic Loving Presence. Ego boundaries leave the ego individuality without the inner support of the various aspects of Essence, and without the comprehensive support of the Cosmic Essence (Consciousness). So just as we saw before that ego inadequacy is due to a mistaken sense of self, now we see that it is also due to the presence of ego boundaries. Both intrapsychic self-structures, the sense of identity and the sense of separateness, although indispensable to ego existence, are the reasons for its deep and basic inadequacy. Inadequacy is the deep nature of ego, due to the mere presence of its structure. Pearl Beyond Price, pg. 444 The Personal Essence is the True Autonomous Individuation Not only does this process of developing “ego autonomy” put one in bondage to one’s past in the form of self-images, it also leaves one relating to the object images of one’s early primary caretakers, and therefore under their coercive influence, which functions as what the analytic model calls the “superego.” Thus even though the ego might be relatively independent emotionally from the love object, its sense of identity is definitely not. The sense of self of the ego, and its individuality, are fundamentally dependent on the traits of the objects in the inner world, and on the particulars of the childhood interactions with it. We will discuss in some detail later how the development of the Personal Essence is related to the ego development which occurs through identification. When one is the Personal Essence, one does become free of these identifications and of the influence of the early caretakers which has lived on in the ego’s object images. The Personal Essence is an ongoing sense of Beingness, completely independent of mind and memory, and hence completely free. It is the true autonomous individuation. Pearl Beyond Price, pg. 58 From : https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/individuation The False Pearl Developed According to the Ego Ideal Very good—the relationship between the self and the personal essence, or what we call the “point” and the “pearl.” The false pearl is the personality which has developed according to the ego ideal. The personal essence, the personal beingness, on the other hand, which we call the Pearl Beyond Price, develops by living according to your essential self. This essential development can take place only when you are not separate from yourself. When you are who you are, when you are just precisely yourself, you are your “point.” Just that. This has nothing to do with any qualities, functions, capacities, and skills you may have. It has nothing to do with your status in the world, and nothing to do with living this life in a body or not in a body. It is your nature. The Pearl Beyond Price is the connection between this genuine center and all the capacities, skills, and understanding that are a part of your growth as a human being. It allows your capacities, functions and accomplishments to develop in a genuine way as an outgrowth of your spontaneous unfoldment. It is the result of living in the moment, living in a way that is true to who you are. This is your genuine personal life, your own development, your own growth. The pearl is the actualized individuation of your Soul. So the personal essence is connected with your unique function, your unique work in this life. To actualize your particular unique work in this life means to be your personal essence. It is the essence of all that you have developed and integrated in your soul as you live a real life. Diamond Heart Book Three, pg. 66 From :https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/false-pearl The Pearl is the Actualized Individuation of Your Soul When you are who you are, when you are just precisely yourself, you are your “point.” Just that. This has nothing to do with any qualities, functions, capacities, and skills you may have. It has nothing to do with your status in the world, and nothing to do with living this life in a body or not in a body. It is your nature. The Pearl Beyond Price is the connection between this genuine center and all the capacities, skills, and understanding that are a part of your growth as a human being. It allows your capacities, functions and accomplishments to develop in a genuine way as an outgrowth of your spontaneous unfoldment. It is the result of living in the moment, living in a way that is true to who you are. This is your genuine personal life, your own development, your own growth. The pearl is the actualized individuation of your Soul. So the personal essence is connected with your unique function, your unique work in this life. To actualize your particular unique work in this life means to be your personal essence. It is the essence of all that you have developed and integrated in your soul as you live a real life. Everyone is born with the true self, with the point. Although we feel that the point is unique in each of us, the quality of the point is universal. Then how do people become so different in their personal lives? This is due to the particular development of their personal essence. Excuse me please for the lengthy and varied copy and paste excerpts in this post. I got carried away,,,,, It happens. It is being observed,,,, for the most part. Still, in part I'm a loose cannon. ????

Read this soon after you posted it the other day. My thoughts have been with you periodically this week in a Tonglen way.

With eyes closed and quality sound equipment.

?

You just have to discover for yourself, I would say. Ocke de Boer- In his own words: "Gurdjieff was and is a very big guy in the Fourth Way, but he did not invent it." http://www.higherbeingbodies.com/about-the-author.html I try to observe my tendency towards hero worship. This is a lifelong behavioral tendency of mine. From Captain Kirk and Mr Spock, Yoda, L. Ron Hubbard, Ken Wilbur, Eckart Tolle, Cynthia Bourgeault, ALi Almaas, George Gurdjieff, Ocke de Boer, Hunter Thompson, George Washington,,,, etc.,,

http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=DroppingthePain-body.html

That's absolutely fine. Thanks for sharing. ?@ElseImproved

He mentions a counterintuitive "precondition for experiencing the Cosmic giggle" which I take roughly as being in the flow and it sounds like what Almaas refers to as basic trust. It may sound like a stretch but as a state of consciousness, it's very similar it seems. IME Basic Trust Enables You to Completely Stay with Experience As we have seen, when you are trying to make something happen, you are not trusting the natural order; you don't trust that Essence itself will manifest in the way it is needed. The first point of departure from this trust is always a rejection of the now. To apply the perspective of basic trust, of true will, you must have the complete confidence that staying completely with what you are experiencing in this moment, will result in what needs to happen, without your having to think about a certain outcome. When the confidence is there, your awareness of exactly what is happening in you will allow you to see that your organism will do the best it can in the situation. Your mind, however, doesn't allow that complete Presence in the now; it thinks it knows what is best for you, but of course it knows only what has happened in the past, and can lead you only in ways conditioned by your history. Diamond Heart Book Two, pg. 118