Zigzag Idiot

Here is an idea to try on. A conscious activity in the present moment can alter the past.

Work on superego I think I remember lead Guitaist for Black Sabbath, Tony Lommi, say he thought that a good deal of Black Sabbath's popularity came as a reaction and tiredness to years of all the unrealistic Love and light hippies. To me, Black Sabbath music represents our raw "red" energy. It's this energy we reclaim and build to overcome superego. Silence is golden as the saying goes. But sometimes loud Black Sabbath music in the morning is good for counteracting attacks of the superego. The radical changes in rhythm and Tony's 'sing - song' guitar expressions in Under the Sun always give me the giggles.

My second Fourth Way teacher taught similarly to this recording. The idea that we have 2 higher centers - higher feeling and higher Intellectual that are completely formed but that we have to make contact with these 2 higher centers. Dwight, my teacher for a short while, was a gifted painter, refused to eat meat and his teaching leaned more to the flavor of 4th Way as esoteric Christianity.

One thing I just remembered about keeping a dream journal. I found it crucial to always have pen and note pad on a nightstand just beside the bed. Writing down the previous nights dreams had to be done immediately upon awakening or I they slipped from my mind. It was like getting out of bed and movement of the body acted like an eraser of dream material. Just after a few days after starting this, the amount of dreams and dream material increased every time I returned to this practice over the years. Castaneda recommended looking for your hands while in dreams. This would then act as a trigger for becoming lucid. I read Stephen Laberge's book.

Lol ? ?? @Marc Schinkel I love it! Anytime you want to add another story you've had with horses, please share.

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I opened up this old book and realized Nassim Haramein is still talking about much of this. It's fascinating the flower of life symbol is found precisely etched in granite. I think in some old ruins in Syria and elsewhere. Nassim's elaboration about the energy in the vacuum sounds like the Causal (Imaginal realm) speculated about by contemporary mystics. Carol Anthony refers to the realm of the Atom as the realm of Consciousness also as the realm of transformation.

Since too much time has passed for an edit. Just wanted to fix this guy's lisp. Tell him to not mutter and speak more clearly. Encourage him to try and get out of fight/flight mode more often,,,,

Jordan Peterson, Hey! Yeah, Hey man, It's not like I think you're waiting with baited breath on what I'm going to say next, but dude, you're trying way too hard. Just let go some. M'Kay I love you but your dualistic frames of reference are no better than everyone else's dualistic frames of reference. Okay, I know your busy and all,,,,

Have you ever been laughed at while you're being shit on while your also being cursed. That's bad. M'Kay. On the the other end of the spectrum. Have you ever laughed and orgasmed at the same time? That's good, M'Kay,, That's really really good. ? A wise old man, who was a friend both to me and my father, on his death bed told me- "Get it while you can",,,, He left to me his 4 ft carpenters level. This wise old man, like my father and also Peggy, they go with me. They are in my heart. Along with many others.

Schadenfreude is a German word for which there is really no English word for. Terence Mckenna's word he invented in childhood - Fardow - is at the other end of the spectrum to schadenfreude. In the spirit he gives it, It concerns having empathy in seeing someone else mess up instead of Joy. You think you're above shadenfreude? Is there anyone who gives you grief or annoys you? Automatic judgements that you accept? Look close and be honest with yourself. Do you feel good when the villain in a story gets his ass handed back to him? Fardow is a useful word useful to juxtapose against schadenfreude. Fardow is closer to love. Witnessing your suffering makes me hurt. Schadenfreude is an expression of grandiosity born out of fear. The feeling of security that comes from being superior to those who are the fuck ups,,,

This was about a 2 years after I got of the 'nervous hospital' and remained in my parents basement somewhat agoraphobic for a few months. Turning my back on my father in all of his entrepreneurial pursuits and struggles while battling my demons with alcoholic compulsion, anxiety and depression. I had become a shamed conversation piece of the community, peers of my successful 'self made' parents who seemed to have it all and their messed up boy,,,, speculated in hushed tones. After having read through read Dianetics 3 or four times I sought out a study group who met in Little Rock. This group was Informally organized by a lady about 10 Years older than me. Her name was Peggy. From the beginning of our first meeting in person, I was smitten with her. Something about her presence immediately attracted-completed-intrigued me. Secretly I prayed BiIly Jo, her live-in boyfriend, would lose interest and she would be with me for the rest of our life as my formal or common law wife/partner. My days were often filled with daydreams of future scenarios where we could share life together. I wanted to be blessed with her presence everyday for the rest of my life. Another woman I knew from one of the Missouri organizations who was witty, super smart and bubbly called me at my parents house on an April afternoon in 1989. She told me flat out Peggy had been killed in a car crash caused by ice on her way to Missouri in late February. NO!!!! I screamed,,, Completely out of character I collapsed and sobbed and screamed in a heap on the kitchen floor. When it rains it pours. I was called out and bullied and subjected to ridicule by a handful of different unrelated twisted sadistic individuals during this time. I was laughed at while I hurt. I had been in a period of ignoring Peggy and Billy Jo because it turned me inside out just to be around her. That's why I hadn't heard from any of the group in the last few weeks,,,,I had felt like a greasy slime-ball in Billy Jo's presence because he was a really decent guy and I was so infatuated with his live-in girlfriend. Wiped from the face of the earth. For a 2-3 day period, time stood still and cracked open. She spoke to me through multiple synchronicities as I sought escape into the bottle in trying to find relief for my crushed heart and confused mind. I could write a book about this period of my messed up life. The hurt, fear, confusion, anxiety, depression, meaninglessness, overwhelm, guilt, etc.,, Writing this out has caused my eyes to fill with tears and my throat to contract and hurt. This song was popular at the time and forever linked with the memory of Peggy.

Some of the things you've written sounds like something a counter-phobic enneatype 6 would say. That's what I've typed myself as. If you care to think out loud about which type of personality you have, or have typed yourself as, I would find it interesting. Regardless, I'm enjoying your Journal. ?‍♂️?

? ?? Light of the world Shine on me

Lost in obsession and fantasy over Christy McNichol in my prepuberty life. How could I have forgotten about this? I was completely obsessed with Christy McNichol as I entered puberty. She was about 4 years older than me. Still is,, So strange how intensely I ached for her, I wanted to leap over trees. I wanted to rip my teeth out,,,, To me, she was the most beautiful person on earth and also the focus of many imaginary situations and daydreams.

3rd try,,,

Let's try this again for links that work,,,, The lyric versions of Billy Joel's songs wouldn't play because of copywriting issues,,, How was I able to play and then post them in the first place? ?‍♂️

I feel like a fresh scrubbed baby. A baby just set out of the tub onto dry blankets and it's just sitting up and taking a look around. This was the mixture done twice in a 4 day period. Natural Mystical Ayahuasca Analog Capsules with 5MeODMT #1 Capsule 200mg Harmala/Harmaline (MAO-I) #2 Capsule 100mg Cumala Extract from Virola Theiodora with 8% 5MeODMT (8mg 5MeoDMT) + BetaCarbolines #3 Capsule 100mg DMT Fumarate I had psychonaut partner with me on the second trip. The first trip was just a trial run I guess. My fellow voyager did a lot of puking while reassuring me, ,,,"yeah I'm ok." This is a person not put off by a little bit of vomiting but I lost count of the times they threw up. I fed them a fresh cooked hamburger patty at the end of the day. They seemed ok but somewhat subdued. They're still recovering. I'm optimistic about their Psychological feedback after they process for another day or so. I felt some nausea both trips. If I had been unable to burp a lot and fart a little, I probably would have thrown up some too. But I didn't,,,. After crossing the rough waters everything was wonderful. If only I had had an audio recording going. (Just joking) Especially when I closed my eyes. Some rarefied downloading and testifying took place,,,,,, for sure. Everthing all better now. ?