Zigzag Idiot

I didn’t post Jim’s weekly column last Sunday like I usually do. Here it is. Self-love or Just Plain Selfish? (part 1 of 3) by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen There is a line that goes from selfish at one end to people pleaser at the other. Right in the middle is self-love, where you live a balanced lifestyle - sometimes taking care of yourself and sometimes taking care of others. Balance is the key; neither extreme is a virtue. Taking care of other people, listening to their needs, setting aside your own plans - all are qualities of love. But if you do nothing else, you become a doormat. You don't listen to your own needs. You don't extend the same empathy to yourself that you extend to others. This will cause you to devalue yourself and resent other people. The opposite end of the line is no more virtuous. It's very important to attend to your own needs. But if you always look out for yourself, you're taking from others in order to build yourself up. It certainly isn't because you like yourself. It's really because you feel unimportant. Fear, hurt, anger and jealousy gnaw at you. You take for yourself to try to quiet these feelings, and you disregard other people. This isn't self-love; it's selfishness. (To be continued)

@Boethius I like your assessments.

The person who introduced me to most of the Fourth Way Ideas was an astrologer and someone whom I shared, what appeared to me as, a number of amazing synchronicities. This was about 2003. He also pointed me in the direction of the writings of AH Almaas. In the last few years I found out he was an acquaintance and peer of the poet and author, Red Hawk. I’ve talked to this person maybe 4-6 times since 2003. He is courteous but has dropped little hints that I later unfold as jabs to my foolishness and also my self importance. He has acted like he suffers my presence and so I’ve refrained from bothering him anymore even though he just lives a one hour drive away. Sometimes I ponder how I seem to be Hameed Almaas’ main proponent here on the forum at actualized.org. Not only am I just a rogue student of the Diamond Approach Teaching but a self proclaimed Idiot as well. What could be more depressing for a man of such knowledge? Naturally I think most everyone here is a little stupid for at least not acknowledging the brilliance of his online glossary. https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/actualization. I just got this in my email today. https://online.diamondapproach.org/super-charged-psychological-work/?utm_source=ontraport&utm_campaign=eNews&utm_medium=email&utm_term=eNews&utm_content=Apr21&0= It will be overlooked and under appreciated I’m pretty sure. Like always. Spiritual learning and Wisdom lineages can really be weird sometimes.

@Matt23 I agree. Stage Orange materialists would want to place themselves in a seemingly higher prestige category. What do you think they might be doing?

Ken Wilber described psychological and spiritual development as pertaining to one line of development in a human being. The capacity for disinterested awareness. Another way of saying witness consciousness. First comes developing a healthy self esteem. Then realize that what also appeared in the process is self Importance. Castaneda called it a 3000 headed monster. I think women have the advantage in dealing with this. Men, by their nature go around all proud and puffed up with their feelings turned off. Having a broken heart can slay the monster. But, first things first.

Developing fully the intellectual part of the emotional center (King of Hearts) is not easy nor done overnight. Symptomatic is the ability to DIRECT one’s attention and not have it DRAWN away. Attention that’s not under one’s control results in reacting instead of responding. Remember the Queen of Hearts? In high emotion she said, off with their heads. The King of hearts followed behind granting pardons. Male or female, it makes no difference. King of hearts is a station, not necessarily a state of consciousness. King of hearts has equanimity. Case in point, me. Still working at it. Still not 100%.

I wished I had copied the entry I made on the forum about my numerology thinking I was in my journal. I hid it before thinking to copy and paste it here. I recently said in a conversation here on the forum that I no longer take numerology as a belief system but I give room for there to be a transrational connection by a few rare mystics. I’ve always been one to be carried away in imagination. I was teased by family years ago when as a second grader my report card stated that I spent too much time daydreaming! The numerology based on my full name. I don’t know about super consciousness or illumination but the part about being lured to excesses,,,, I’ve got that covered pretty good. As stated earlier in this journal, I still hear a chorus of crickets almost continually. This began back in about 2017 and I know it sounds weird but it is what it is. I ran into this website about a year after this phenomena began. http://humanityhealing.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/The-Cerebellum-and-the-Alta-Major.pdf

I agree and believe a person needs a therapist who is at their level or higher. If the Therapist is lower on the spiral, I don’t think they will understand their patient as well as a Therapist at the same level or higher. A blue-orange therapist won’t clearly see the world of a green-yellow individual and I think it’s possible that they may do more harm than good. Not intentionally but just through their limited worldview. I could also be wrong in some instances. Trivia- A few years ago I read that there are a disproportionate number of secular Jewish psychotherapists who in their career end up leading groups in - A Course In Miracles- which is as Christian based as you can get. Isn’t that ironic,,,?

A good friend will genuinely Love you for no reason. Sometimes they won’t let you bullshit yourself depending on what it is. They’re discerning but sometimes they mess up. A good friend cares about your feelings. But being human, they sometimes mess up. Good friends allow one another to mess up and they get over it. Good friends don’t keep accounts or hold grudges. A good friend will be themselves around you. They will apologize if that’s what’s needed. Being loyal or sincere means more than their own pride if they’re a good friend. A good friend will be a placeholder for you when you’re having a bad day or for some reason you aren’t being yourself. A good friend is willing to be a placeholder when you’ve done something odd and the room is awash in ‘fardow.’ That last one is a small riddle.....

This used to be my mindset for years. Unquestionably. I had to realize that I was horrible relationship material. It took half a lifetime of thinking I did want a relationship . I’m conditioned to being selfish now and having freedom. Going where and when I feel like it. Playing the tv or loud music in the middle of the night and not worrying about bothering or waking someone up. I would have been a disaster as a parent. I’m grateful and happy being single. I appreciate my friends though. I’m finally comfortable in being unconventional. For now anyway.

Dog and Butterfly is one of my favorite songs by Heart.. I don’t really know why. I liked the old David Bowie songs posted a few days ago.

I’ve already said that I rightly belong within some category of rednecks and there is a wide variety of categories. The same goes with Academics. Leo raked Academics in general over the coals pretty good in his last video. I put in that little preamble/disclaimer, what ever it is, so I could take the opportunity to pile on. In his book Higher Being Bodies, Ocke de Boer discuses the differing views of two well known Dutch Scientists. One a cardiologist and the others neurologist. When the neurologist starts making fun of the cardiologist for stating that consciousness can be seen apart from the brain and he begins to comment on spirituality, Ocke says he begins to embody a strange mixture of arrogance and humbleness— so often to be found in academics. That little quote really stuck with me. Probably because I got a big chuckle out of it This is the section of the book where Ocke is discussing the scale of Being. Human #4 is someone who has balanced their centers and is awoke somewhat.Human #4 knows that they are in Plato’s cave. This is a big achievement. Humans #1, #2, and #3 are lopsided in one of the centers, instinctual, emotional, or intellectual. Anyone who is awakened, which are humans #5 #6, and #7 knows that real intelligence means the position of a phenomenon in the scale of Being, and the influences to which this phenomenon is open in relation to higher worlds. They also know that they have to hide, if they don’t want to be pecked to death. For anyone who has studied Gurdjieff or the Fourth Way, I highly recommend Ocke de Boers two books. Higher Being Bodies and Two Souls. If you haven’t already studied Gurdjieff’s Works, I don’t think you’ll get much from them. I have to confess though that I’m somewhere between believing and knowing Some of the phenomena I know, but not all.

Be non-ideological Leo advises in his latest video addressing some points concerning whether or not actualized.org could be considered a cult. So watch it and decide for yourself. I began this journal about 2 1/2 years ago. The following quote from the work of A.H.Almaas was where I got my signature phrase of being a Universal heretic. It was included in one of my first entries in this journal. It’s not only profound but hilarious when Almaas also writes “Most of us don’t have the nerve to lose our minds.” ? From the beginning I observed parallels between Leo’s work and Almaas’ Diamond Approach Teaching. To be non-ideological is very similar to the notion of being a universal heretic. This is Almaas- We Have to Risk the Aloneness and the Terror of Being Totally on Our Own To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic. You don’t believe in the ultimate reality of any concept. You can assume any belief you find useful and attractive, but you don’t need to hold on to any of it. Without being captured by your beliefs, you are strong enough and confident enough to throw away any and all beliefs and perspectives, each and every philosophy and story. You can stand totally alone, completely independent of all that comes through the mind, through time and space. This station of realization is difficult and rare. Most of us don’t have the nerve to lose our minds. Although terrifying, it is necessary for true freedom. We have to risk that we may be wrong. We have to risk the aloneness and the terror of being totally on our own. We have to risk cutting all of our supports, burning all of our bridges, destroying all of our boats. They are all ultimately and fundamentally concepts that come from hearsay or, at best, from our own past experiences. Even the concepts and knowledge that have come from our own immediate experiences cannot be relied on. That knowledge is like Buddha’s words—old, unless corroborated in this moment. Maybe a week ago you had an experience of realization, but how do you know that will be the same today? Who said that God won’t change or that self-realization should continue being the same today? In other words, we cannot hold on to any concept past our direct experience of it; otherwise, what we’re doing is believing a story. Whether someone else’s or our own, a story is a story, not true reality here and now. To be truly independent and autonomous, we need to be free from the concepts acquired from others as well as our own past experiences. Diamond Heart Book Five, pg. 63 Back to Zigzag Idiot paraphrasing someone somewhere- To be free from narrative consciousness is a big thing. It means no more compulsive thinking. It begins with recognition of a state change. Recognizing you’ve parked in a free space of inner quiet. Realizing you can add your own spiritual coin to the parking meter. You earn spiritual coin by working on yourself instead of pointing the finger at others. To work on oneself means you can forgive others because you realize your own bullshit but it stops going that far. There is no forgiveness necessary because understanding intervenes and as a result, you understand. In understanding is peace. The human condition is one of a strange forgetting and the resultant amnesia and confusion which arrives and invites in identification and projections and all that stuff. You can use light heartedness to put a stick in the spokes of spinning monkey mind but you have to remember. Most everyone’s state of being is in constant flux.

That sounds cool to me and not just to or from the personal pronouns that’s used. If that makes any sense. Sounds like you’re acting spontaneously through the essence of being, to try to phrase it another way. I admire you’re willingness to put yourself out there in front of the camera. I’m not able to that it seems. It takes a lot of courage to willingly be vulnerable. I let go of that being something to aim for in expressing,,,,, I’m ok with being the way I am, though. Ive used terminology connected with a Fourth Way point of view in the past trying to communicate. I’m trying not to do that because it’s looks like my trying to highjack the conversation. I’ve caught myself doing that in a lot of conversations with different people. Everyone has been pretty gracious about it. Just wanted to express that about you living through being. It’s pretty neutral phrasing IMO and also out myself in acknowledgment of my use of words that may come across as dogmatic sometimes in conversations. Gotta go. Just heard someone in the driveway. Have a good day.

Meditation Retreat Campground I’m thinking more about opening a meditation retreat campground. I live on a rather unique 9 acre wooded hill. No Quad or dirt bike enthusiasts and no beer drinking hell raisers will be allowed. No loud or noisy people or groups, I’m not going to coordinate anything practice wise or baby sit people. Just simply provide a fairly peaceful environment. That’s roughy the plan for now. Maybe 6 campsites and possibly the loft in my house every now and then. Not sure though. I need to make a little income and I think it might work ok. A friend told me about hippie camp grounds that are scattered around the country and advertised. I might find an advertisement venue there or maybe more directly with people who are seriously into meditation and would like to do an intensive meditation for a few days in a quiet country setting. My plans will probably change a few times in the process. Over this past winter I’ve been clearing the brush and briar thickets out and it’s starting to look nice. There are a lot of wild vines growing up from the ground into the trees that I’ve left. I’m ready for everything to green up. I think it’s going to look pretty cool.

The descriptions are similar to an episode I had a few tears ago that I correlated with what many call the Dark night of the Soul phenomena. It felt crushing and devastating. I ordered Saint John’s Work - Dark Night of the Soul and also Saint Teresa’s Interior Castle which I seem to get more from. My Dark night of the Soul hit suddenly but seemed to depart gradually over probably about a two month period. It’s similar in nature to what Christina Grof and Jana Dixon among others refer to as a Spiritual emergency. One of the experiences that stood out to me was the distinct feeling that - “ I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” which was an outlook that didn’t stick permanently but enough that the memory of it has never completely left. So later, roughly put, whenever I got into some kind of petty emotion or anger towards someone, I could draw on the memory of that terrible time and gain a bit of sobriety in emotion to allow a feeling of empathy back internally towards whoever triggered me. I consider it an aftermath of an awakening experience. We awaken, then we die but then we’re born again,,,,

Why do some people feel empty? In short, It coincides with the development of ego structures which alienates one’s own experience from the essential aspects of Being. This happens to everyone to some extent although there are many who successfully defend against the experience of it Although just a rogue student of the Ridhwan School, their explanation about this was one of the contributing factors for me digging deeper into their Teaching. Genesis of Deficient Emptiness We propose the following hypothesis ......: * At birth the human infant has no sense of self. * He is Being. He is his being without knowledge or self-consciousness. There is no mental functioning yet. * Slowly, through experiences of pleasure and pain, memory traces are retained, forming the first self-impressions (self-representations). * As the infant starts taking himself to be this or that (this or that self-image) he separates from his sense of Being, because any image is not his being. * As the ego-identity and sense of self develop and become stable, the contact with Being in its various aspects and qualities is mostly lost. The extent of the loss also depends on the adequacy of the environment and the infant’s relation to it. * The process of loss of contact with Being leaves a sense of deficiency, a state of deficient emptiness, as if the Being is left with many holes in it. The deficient emptiness is the state of the absence of contact with or awareness of Being. * Space, which is the open dimension of Being, is lost in the formation of the self-image. This self-image includes the unconscious body-image of having a genital hole. * For the normal individual, the development of the personality happens relatively smoothly. The self is highly integrated and stays stable throughout most of one’s life. * In those with mental disorders, for reasons already known in depth psychology, the development of the personality and its sense of self is incomplete, or happens with various distortions, malformations, or inadequacies. The Void, pg. 127 I thought that this explanation dovetails well with many of the replies given by other actualized members,,,, There are roughly eight more excerpts about deficient emptiness to be found at the link below. https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/deficient-emptiness

@Sea I agree with @neovox who gets right to the point. Reading your post I felt a glimpse into your inner world and felt a similarity with my past somewhat. I didn’t understand the concept of what a successful individuation process meant until well into adulthood. A part of this process involves dealing with the internalized voice or inner critic in one, which is commonly the voice of the dominant parent (caregiver) aka super ego. My gut tells me you may benefit as I did by becoming more familiar with the individuation process and dealing with super ego attacks which can perpetuate doubts within oneself. Maybe find some YouTube’s to start with if this idea appeals to you. Good luck

I’ve been scanning Almaas’ glossary the past few evenings. There are 17 different categories associated with ego. There are good excerpts to be found in all categories. Ego structures - https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/ego-structures -is one such category but I drew two excerpts from the category of ego death to contribute to this thread. https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/ego-death Cessation of the Activity of Identifying The capacity for global disidentification allows us to be permanently in touch with our essential presence, although the identity and the self-representation remains in experience. This condition allows the experience of self-realization to arise, at least occasionally, when the identity relaxes to the extent of total absorption by (or into) essential presence. The more this capacity for global disidentification develops, the more frequent, and the deeper, are the experiences of self-realization. This development continues, in principle, until permanent, full self-realization, where total global disidentification coincides with complete absorption of the self-representation, and complete openness and flexibility of identity. Complete flexibility of identity raises the phenomenon of disidentification to a new level, beyond the normal egoic experience. This flexibility involves the dissolution of self-identity, or more accurately, the cessation of the activity of identifying. This condition, which occurs in isolated experiences of self-realization, but is the permanent condition of full self-realization (enlightenment), is what is referred to by some traditions as "ego death" or "the death of the self." In this state of complete annihilation of identity, one does not have identity in the usual sense; our identity is now with the presence of Being. In other words, our identity has shifted from the self-representation to Being. The Point of Existence, pg. 129 Ego Death Feels as if Everybody Else is Dead To be completely you means being alone. When this is experienced, it will bring very deep grief and sadness. You have to learn to say good-bye to everything you have loved -- not just your Mommy and Daddy, your boyfriend and your cat, but to your feelings, your mind, your ideas. You are in love with all of these. Letting go of them will feel like a great loss, even a death. It is not you who dies. What dies is everyone else. In the experience of ego death, you don't feel you're dying; you feel everybody else is dead. You feel you're all alone, totally alone. You have lost a boundary which was constructed from past experiences. But this boundary never really existed! It was just a belief. When you experience reality as it is, there is no sense of boundaries or of being separate, of inside or outside. Diamond Heart Book Two, pg. 169

Chemical Messages by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen First they get you to believe that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. Then they work on you to think the same about anxiety. But keep in mind that "they" are multi-billion dollar drug corporations and they want you to buy their products for the rest of your life. They don't want you to actually overcome and conquer your problems, which requires you to untangle the messes in your life. If you buy into their messages that it's all chemical, then you buy into the belief that you have no control over your own life. You may notice that you feel somewhat better after you take a particular chemical, but that doesn't mean you are deficient in that chemical or that your require it for your well being. Consider that lots of people claim to feel better after they have a few drinks or smoke a cigarette. The pharmaceutical companies keep expanding into other areas to increase their wealth. So don't be surprised if they try to get you to believe that even your self-esteem is a chemical issue. You are not a victim. Nor are you a prisoner. You have the power to choose, and you can choose to really become healthier.

This is an area that I still have to work on also. Self observation over time keeps revealing this. My boundaries shift a lot which becomes a two edged sword, at times. In the past there have been people who hated me just because they didn’t like the way I look. Some of these times I didn’t even know they felt that way. If I had known, it would really have hurt my feelings. More often though as time has gone on. I feel indifferent about others hating on me for no reason. Often because I see their viewing the world through their own projections. They live in a hell of their own making like I’ve also done in the past, and at times, still do. I’m not invulnerable though, but it’s a loosely held goal.

There’s a lower percentage of of these actualized individuals the higher you go up the Spiral. So I would say maybe difficult but not impossible. Working on oneself in integration and psychologically individuating might allow synchronicity to help produce what your looking for. It seems to me though that the higher one moves up the Spiral, aspects of oneself will die off making the felt sense of strong desire become less in a weird way. As a lot of guys reading this may notice, speaking as a guy, that the less one’s neediness becomes the more women become interested ,,,, This has been something I’ve noticed all my life and was especially frustrating for me in youth. The guys who appear not to give a shit have women chasing them from every direction while as the saying goes, the nice guys finish last. Not that I was a nice guy but definitely full of doubts and insecure in taking action.

A version of Porco could easily exist. The way I understand Spiral Dynamics is that we have all the levels within us. As we move up the spiral we transcend and include each level. Red energy is a natural expression within one’s sexuality. So someone who has moved on into tier 2 could really be an interesting character. Nonviolent yet fully able to let their animal nature express itself. Let me know if this is a closed journal and I’ll hide my post.

@seeking_brilliance I agree. The thought came to me just a second ago in relation to the virtues expressed in the enneagram. Perhaps a combination of someone expressing courage, faith, will, equanimity, Love, omniscience, and truth. Exuberance came to mind also but it’s not related to the enneagram specifically. Exuberance could also be somewhat egoic in attitude ,,,,,? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, The Oracle of the Cosmic Way - “Even a lean pig has it in him to rage around” I consulted the I CHING first thing this morning. Carol Anthony and Hanna Moog kept some of the metaphors from the old I CHING in their reproduction and some of them are quite humorous. In my reading I got hexagram 44 - Coming to Meet -lines 1 and 4 producing a second hexagram which was 9 - The Taming Power of the Small. In line 1 of hexagram 44 it says - “Even a lean pig has it in him to rage around.” I’m putting some of this text below if anyone is interested in looking at it out of curiosity.