Zigzag Idiot

Meditation Retreat Campground I’m thinking more about opening a meditation retreat campground. I live on a rather unique 9 acre wooded hill. No Quad or dirt bike enthusiasts and no beer drinking hell raisers will be allowed. No loud or noisy people or groups, I’m not going to coordinate anything practice wise or baby sit people. Just simply provide a fairly peaceful environment. That’s roughy the plan for now. Maybe 6 campsites and possibly the loft in my house every now and then. Not sure though. I need to make a little income and I think it might work ok. A friend told me about hippie camp grounds that are scattered around the country and advertised. I might find an advertisement venue there or maybe more directly with people who are seriously into meditation and would like to do an intensive meditation for a few days in a quiet country setting. My plans will probably change a few times in the process. Over this past winter I’ve been clearing the brush and briar thickets out and it’s starting to look nice. There are a lot of wild vines growing up from the ground into the trees that I’ve left. I’m ready for everything to green up. I think it’s going to look pretty cool.

The descriptions are similar to an episode I had a few tears ago that I correlated with what many call the Dark night of the Soul phenomena. It felt crushing and devastating. I ordered Saint John’s Work - Dark Night of the Soul and also Saint Teresa’s Interior Castle which I seem to get more from. My Dark night of the Soul hit suddenly but seemed to depart gradually over probably about a two month period. It’s similar in nature to what Christina Grof and Jana Dixon among others refer to as a Spiritual emergency. One of the experiences that stood out to me was the distinct feeling that - “ I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” which was an outlook that didn’t stick permanently but enough that the memory of it has never completely left. So later, roughly put, whenever I got into some kind of petty emotion or anger towards someone, I could draw on the memory of that terrible time and gain a bit of sobriety in emotion to allow a feeling of empathy back internally towards whoever triggered me. I consider it an aftermath of an awakening experience. We awaken, then we die but then we’re born again,,,,

Why do some people feel empty? In short, It coincides with the development of ego structures which alienates one’s own experience from the essential aspects of Being. This happens to everyone to some extent although there are many who successfully defend against the experience of it Although just a rogue student of the Ridhwan School, their explanation about this was one of the contributing factors for me digging deeper into their Teaching. Genesis of Deficient Emptiness We propose the following hypothesis ......: * At birth the human infant has no sense of self. * He is Being. He is his being without knowledge or self-consciousness. There is no mental functioning yet. * Slowly, through experiences of pleasure and pain, memory traces are retained, forming the first self-impressions (self-representations). * As the infant starts taking himself to be this or that (this or that self-image) he separates from his sense of Being, because any image is not his being. * As the ego-identity and sense of self develop and become stable, the contact with Being in its various aspects and qualities is mostly lost. The extent of the loss also depends on the adequacy of the environment and the infant’s relation to it. * The process of loss of contact with Being leaves a sense of deficiency, a state of deficient emptiness, as if the Being is left with many holes in it. The deficient emptiness is the state of the absence of contact with or awareness of Being. * Space, which is the open dimension of Being, is lost in the formation of the self-image. This self-image includes the unconscious body-image of having a genital hole. * For the normal individual, the development of the personality happens relatively smoothly. The self is highly integrated and stays stable throughout most of one’s life. * In those with mental disorders, for reasons already known in depth psychology, the development of the personality and its sense of self is incomplete, or happens with various distortions, malformations, or inadequacies. The Void, pg. 127 I thought that this explanation dovetails well with many of the replies given by other actualized members,,,, There are roughly eight more excerpts about deficient emptiness to be found at the link below. https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/deficient-emptiness

@Sea I agree with @neovox who gets right to the point. Reading your post I felt a glimpse into your inner world and felt a similarity with my past somewhat. I didn’t understand the concept of what a successful individuation process meant until well into adulthood. A part of this process involves dealing with the internalized voice or inner critic in one, which is commonly the voice of the dominant parent (caregiver) aka super ego. My gut tells me you may benefit as I did by becoming more familiar with the individuation process and dealing with super ego attacks which can perpetuate doubts within oneself. Maybe find some YouTube’s to start with if this idea appeals to you. Good luck

I’ve been scanning Almaas’ glossary the past few evenings. There are 17 different categories associated with ego. There are good excerpts to be found in all categories. Ego structures - https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/ego-structures -is one such category but I drew two excerpts from the category of ego death to contribute to this thread. https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/ego-death Cessation of the Activity of Identifying The capacity for global disidentification allows us to be permanently in touch with our essential presence, although the identity and the self-representation remains in experience. This condition allows the experience of self-realization to arise, at least occasionally, when the identity relaxes to the extent of total absorption by (or into) essential presence. The more this capacity for global disidentification develops, the more frequent, and the deeper, are the experiences of self-realization. This development continues, in principle, until permanent, full self-realization, where total global disidentification coincides with complete absorption of the self-representation, and complete openness and flexibility of identity. Complete flexibility of identity raises the phenomenon of disidentification to a new level, beyond the normal egoic experience. This flexibility involves the dissolution of self-identity, or more accurately, the cessation of the activity of identifying. This condition, which occurs in isolated experiences of self-realization, but is the permanent condition of full self-realization (enlightenment), is what is referred to by some traditions as "ego death" or "the death of the self." In this state of complete annihilation of identity, one does not have identity in the usual sense; our identity is now with the presence of Being. In other words, our identity has shifted from the self-representation to Being. The Point of Existence, pg. 129 Ego Death Feels as if Everybody Else is Dead To be completely you means being alone. When this is experienced, it will bring very deep grief and sadness. You have to learn to say good-bye to everything you have loved -- not just your Mommy and Daddy, your boyfriend and your cat, but to your feelings, your mind, your ideas. You are in love with all of these. Letting go of them will feel like a great loss, even a death. It is not you who dies. What dies is everyone else. In the experience of ego death, you don't feel you're dying; you feel everybody else is dead. You feel you're all alone, totally alone. You have lost a boundary which was constructed from past experiences. But this boundary never really existed! It was just a belief. When you experience reality as it is, there is no sense of boundaries or of being separate, of inside or outside. Diamond Heart Book Two, pg. 169

Chemical Messages by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen First they get you to believe that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. Then they work on you to think the same about anxiety. But keep in mind that "they" are multi-billion dollar drug corporations and they want you to buy their products for the rest of your life. They don't want you to actually overcome and conquer your problems, which requires you to untangle the messes in your life. If you buy into their messages that it's all chemical, then you buy into the belief that you have no control over your own life. You may notice that you feel somewhat better after you take a particular chemical, but that doesn't mean you are deficient in that chemical or that your require it for your well being. Consider that lots of people claim to feel better after they have a few drinks or smoke a cigarette. The pharmaceutical companies keep expanding into other areas to increase their wealth. So don't be surprised if they try to get you to believe that even your self-esteem is a chemical issue. You are not a victim. Nor are you a prisoner. You have the power to choose, and you can choose to really become healthier.

This is an area that I still have to work on also. Self observation over time keeps revealing this. My boundaries shift a lot which becomes a two edged sword, at times. In the past there have been people who hated me just because they didn’t like the way I look. Some of these times I didn’t even know they felt that way. If I had known, it would really have hurt my feelings. More often though as time has gone on. I feel indifferent about others hating on me for no reason. Often because I see their viewing the world through their own projections. They live in a hell of their own making like I’ve also done in the past, and at times, still do. I’m not invulnerable though, but it’s a loosely held goal.

There’s a lower percentage of of these actualized individuals the higher you go up the Spiral. So I would say maybe difficult but not impossible. Working on oneself in integration and psychologically individuating might allow synchronicity to help produce what your looking for. It seems to me though that the higher one moves up the Spiral, aspects of oneself will die off making the felt sense of strong desire become less in a weird way. As a lot of guys reading this may notice, speaking as a guy, that the less one’s neediness becomes the more women become interested ,,,, This has been something I’ve noticed all my life and was especially frustrating for me in youth. The guys who appear not to give a shit have women chasing them from every direction while as the saying goes, the nice guys finish last. Not that I was a nice guy but definitely full of doubts and insecure in taking action.

A version of Porco could easily exist. The way I understand Spiral Dynamics is that we have all the levels within us. As we move up the spiral we transcend and include each level. Red energy is a natural expression within one’s sexuality. So someone who has moved on into tier 2 could really be an interesting character. Nonviolent yet fully able to let their animal nature express itself. Let me know if this is a closed journal and I’ll hide my post.

@seeking_brilliance I agree. The thought came to me just a second ago in relation to the virtues expressed in the enneagram. Perhaps a combination of someone expressing courage, faith, will, equanimity, Love, omniscience, and truth. Exuberance came to mind also but it’s not related to the enneagram specifically. Exuberance could also be somewhat egoic in attitude ,,,,,? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, The Oracle of the Cosmic Way - “Even a lean pig has it in him to rage around” I consulted the I CHING first thing this morning. Carol Anthony and Hanna Moog kept some of the metaphors from the old I CHING in their reproduction and some of them are quite humorous. In my reading I got hexagram 44 - Coming to Meet -lines 1 and 4 producing a second hexagram which was 9 - The Taming Power of the Small. In line 1 of hexagram 44 it says - “Even a lean pig has it in him to rage around.” I’m putting some of this text below if anyone is interested in looking at it out of curiosity.

I wasn’t watching what I was doing. It’s been a busy day In Terence’s video above I especially get a kick out of 1:30 -2:00 or so,,, Thank you @seeking_brilliance and anytime you feel inspired to share something, please do. Y’all have to watch about giving me compliments like people who can drink and know the influence they may have on alcoholics in their lives. I get self-congratulatory really easy. Sneaking in forms of boasting and bragging,,, or think I’m sneaking. Everything goes around and around. Pride goeth before a fall, the saying goes. I’ve fallen countless times and doubt that I’ve reached my end in that regard. Lots of experience I’ve had being the fool. Remembering ‘beginners mind’ helps the process there I’ve found. Most of the time. Below is the video I meant to post this morning.

I shared this book with a friend a couple of years ago and rereading it recently she pointed this out to me last week. From Robert Sardello’s book Silence- This reminds me of one of Hans Wilhelm’s short video’s I don’t go for all of this but find it really interesting. It isn’t a belief I hold but just something that seems really worth pondering.

Good deal. I’m glad I shared it then and you’re very welcome. In most Fourth Way Schools/ groups it’s often pointed out how the “intellectual center” is the slowest of the 3 centers with emotional center being faster and instinctual center being the fastest. Good thinking, it can then be argued is slow. What’s often viewed as the most seeming intelligent, being witty, is actually the mechanical part of the intellectual center, thought by association represented by the jack of diamonds. Quick but shallow, in a sense. King of diamonds is slower in speed but extremely deliberate. People whose center of gravity is in the emotional part of the intellectual center, queen of diamonds are the ones who will often have 10 books going at once and are excited about knowledge in general. Just throwing in some trivia,,,, ?

L-arginine - an inexpensive amino acid provides the raw material from which the body makes nitric oxide, a molecule that helps relax and open blood vessels which furthers new and improved hard-ons as well.

Thinking back it seems spans of time were experienced differently. Two years preteen to early twenties felt about equal to 6-8 years in my 30’s. I’ve felt nostalgia through just about all age ranges. A second grader nostalgic over the long bygone days of kindergarten. A 20 year old having nostalgia in regard to times of misbehaving as a 17 year old,,, etc. When older and witnessing it in younger folks it almost felt a little cringeworthy when related to this phenomena in myself. In the older seeing it in the younger it felt a bit silly. It helped me to observe it in others and associating it with my own experience gaining in self awareness though a bit uncomfortably.

I’ve noticed this phenomena also. In myself years ago and then later with younger people. Good question also. I’m not sure how I would answer it spontaneously. Might chime in later. I’ll be interested in the responses to this post.

Attitude Adjustment by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen Attitude determines a lot. Attitude is the way we look at the world. Attitude is the maker of the lenses we wear on our eyes. I know this guy who's a "sourpuss." He keeps thinking that life is handing him a raw deal. What he doesn't see is his part in it. He looks for the bad stuff; he expects bad stuff to happen; he exudes an attitude of "bad stuff is around every corner." The world accommodates him by giving back what he puts out. But he can learn to adjust his attitude. We can all learn to see in ways that clear up the image and promote our well being. Everyone has bad things - painful things - happen in their life. It's often attitude that makes the difference. It's not a matter of telling yourself positive or peppy statements you don't believe. It's not that simple. Rose-colored glasses don't give a true picture of the world, either. Attitude adjustment is learned by changing your focus, by evaluating situations with an open mind, and by frequently practicing new behaviors.

Clapton is singing about love with a small L. Nothing wrong with that I guess. I can see the value in listening to music that has no lyrics. We’re so affected by language. More so than I ever thought. There’s a part of me that’s a bit of a music freak. I try to watch it though.

I been pretty busy lately. Just ran across this short clip that I liked the message of.

Some say allow yourself to feel everything fully and not repress or dissociate but don’t express it outwardly. This is a difficult practice called purifying of the emotional center.To be able to sit with uncomfortable states can then after a period bring about a more balanced condition. Although or maybe because it’s difficult, it pays good dividends, so to speak. I’ve experienced this phenomena but I’m not done with my work yet.

Some say for reaching higher levels of being, for essence to grow it must feed on false personality/ego. This is done through witness consciousness or being the dispassionate observer and in a sense essence will feed and metabolize ego.. As this happens there is a gain in continuity of consciousness and a reduction in the swing of the emotional pendulum. A higher level of consciousness means a higher level or degree of being. Applicable Maurice Nicoll excerpts from his psychological Commentaries- DIFFERENT LEVELS OF BEING “The Work is to make us live on a higher level of ourselves. For example, suppose you begin to internally consider. You start mak- ing accounts, making out that others owe you, thinking that you are badly treated, worrying about what others think of you, and so on. This is an activity of a lower level in yourself...Now suppose you begin to dislike the inner taste of considering. Then when internal con- sidering starts in you and you notice it you will feel uncomfortable. Why? Because you have already begun to feel what a higher level is like. You feel uncomfortable by reason of the contrast. You have seen something better. You are now in a position to make an inner choice...Better states belong to higher levels of yourself. They are in you, as different levels...But you have to see all this for yourself and get to know where you are in yourself. Ask yourself: ‘Where am I?’ With what thoughts and emotions are you going, with what moods, with what ‘I’s?” V. 1, p. 162 APPLYING THE WORK II “If you want to change your level of Being you have got to see what your level of Being is—that is, what kind of a person you are over a period—or, more strictly, what kind of ‘I’s you allow to take charge of you at different moments, over a period, and remember what you ob- served. If any ‘I’ in you can jump up and speak through your mouth then your state of Being is mechanical and cannot change.” V. 1, p. 168

You’re welcome and Thank you. Will do, maybe in just a subtle way.

Putting it in my own words. In the Ridhwan School this is how reality is framed, so to speak.One is not their thoughts, feelings, or the physical body. The soul is a field of impressionability. This field is One’s presence or Being and some would say the understanding data that’s in our Causal body that gives each individual their uniqueness. We’re a mixture of energies that adds up to our individual vibration number. Being has you could say has different flavors or aspects. Aspects of being or Essence and different qualities and mixtures thereof accounts for each souls uniqueness. Different aspects of essence could be strength, joy, compassion, will, brilliance and so on. I haven’t heard of an exact number of essential aspects but I imagine that there is a limited number. As I just mentioned, brilliance is an aspect that’s related to intelligence. When we become integrated,the twistedness of the ego becomes/matures into one’s unique personal essence, This is the station of what some call the Pearl beyond Price. I don’t speak on behalf of the Ridhwan School. Everything written above is mostly my paraphrasing. So for those who are reading this please take with a grain of salt. @seeking_brilliance, because of your screen name, I’ve had in mind for a while now to send you some excerpts that’s related specifically to the essential aspect of brilliance. I didn’t want to come off as trying to proselytize this path so instead of sending them to you in one of your journals I thought I would just create this post in my own journal. That’s what this post started out as but to begin with I thought it necessary to give a little preamble before sharing the excerpts. So after all that, here they are. Brilliance of Being Usually there are only a few brilliant people around, and the rest of us are brilliant only occasionally. And the people that we consider brilliant have only a drop or two of Brilliancy in their heads. Imagine if we could take such a person and work with him or her and activate the Brilliancy to the extent that the whole body and the whole psyche is immersed in the ocean of Brilliancy. Do you have any idea what kind of being this individual would be? Do you know what kind of intelligence this person would have? This would be a person who is intelligent, who is brilliant, in all of the human capacities, in all areas of functioning. Brilliancy would not only be a quality of the mind, but this person would be Brilliancy, the embodiment of intelligence. This kind of experience can only happen to a realized being, for it is a spiritual experience. It is the experience of the brilliance of Being, the radiance of the Absolute Truth. Brilliancy, pg. 34 The Self-Existing, Unified Synthesis of All Essential Aspects Brilliancy is different from all other essential aspects in that it is a self‑existing, unified synthesis of all essential aspects. When you experience Brilliancy, you feel complete in the sense that all essential aspects are present but are not differentiated. So Brilliancy is the nondifferentiated essential aspect. We can say that it is the source out of which all essential aspects differentiate. That is why in the past I used to call Brilliancy the Essence-of-the-Essence. Its very presence has all the qualities of Essence implicit in it: Strength, Compassion, Love, Clarity, and so on. All of them are there, but completely synthesized as one presence. Brilliancy, pg. 31 Almaas wrote a whole book about Brilliance titled naturally Brilliancy. Actually it’s not one of my favorite books of Almaas’ but Ithought I’d mention it. If readers happen to be interested in more excerpts about Brilliance I’ll leave a link down below. https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/brilliancy

Who’s laughing? Who’s joking? Having scattered or dispersed attention would define sleep pretty well. Not being able to direct ones attention juxtaposed with having the capacity to direct ones attention,,,, makes all the difference in whether one responds consciously or reacts unconsciously. I’ve observed in myself that struggle. I would wager just about everyone here on whatever path they’re on either has or will later notice this phenomena in their inner world at some point. If a person’s attention is drawn by something, most likely it’s going to be emotional in nature and glue-like sticky. Identified completely = Completely asleep. No?