Mihael Keehl

30.03.2018 – 125ug 1P-LSD My first trip with 75ug, three weeks prior, was pleasant, but not as profound as I had expected. That experience dissolved my fear of psychedelics which made me feel ready and excited to take a higher dose. I took 125ug of 1P-LSD on an empty stomach in silent darkness, layed on my bed and waited for the substance to kick in. I layed there for a while until I started to notice that my thoughts became faster and faster. I became more and more confused by random thoughts and mini insights that dissapeared again very quickly. An undeniable presence My thoughts became even faster, long chains of thoughts followed, until there was a sudden recognition. Somehow I became aware of awareness itself. I have heard the phrase “awareness being aware of itself” from a lot of spiritual teachers before, but experiencing it was very strange. It was a feeling of an undeniable presence. Imagine that you suddenly recognized a big elephant in your room, a massive presence that is just there. For the first time, I understood what the books and lectures from Alan Watts were all about, even though I had listened to them dozens of times before. painful truth With this realization came the recognition, of all the things that I have disowned and denied about myself. It showed me that I completely lost touch with my authentic self. It showed me all the lies I have told to the people I love and how disconnected I am from my family. I thought about my 10 year old brother who is living with my single parent mother and I saw how his childhood is similar to mine. That made me cry for a long time, because I do not want him to suffer as much as I did. Pandora's box Before this trip, I did not even know how much I was suffering, how much shit there was in my psyche and how depressed I was. I expected the trip to be a spiritual rainbows and butterflys experience but instead, it opened pandora's box. It showed me how much work there is to do for me before I can even begin to think about existential questions. What I learned - I need to do a ton of basic emotional & psychological stuff - I need to take more responsibility and be a better older brother - integration can be a long process (some of the things above, I only started to understand several months after the trip and after reading more literature) One year later Looking back on this trip after one year, I still have periodic phases of depression, anxiety and isolation, even though it is now better then one year ago. Microdosing helped with that. My relationship with family is only a tiny bit better. I have a really good relationship with my brother now, at least I got that part handled. It is a great motivation for me to continiue this path and work on myself so I can be a better role model for him. I did a few psychedelic sessions in the last months, I did not become aware of awareness again, but rather had more psychotherapeutic trips. I stopped watching most of Leo's videos a few months ago, because they are way to advanced for me. My focus right now is to do more psychedelic sessions with the intent to work on releasing stored emotions, energy, trauma, and behaviour patterns. Question It can be a little bit frustrating to learn about spirituality and enlightnement for 1-2 years only to find out, that your psyche is to undeveloped for this game, especially when a psychedelic trip showes it in your face. Do you have similar experiences?

This unfortunate incident took place one year ago, when I first started experimenting with psychedelics. In retrospect, it is a funny story to tell, but at that time, it was horrible and it left a few scars in my psyche. 1. First high dose I had only two psychedelic trips before, one mild trip with 75ug and one with 125ug. In the second trip with 125ug, I had a glimpse of the potential of psychedelics. They showed me how much repressed emotions there was in my subconscious that I need to work through. I also became aware of awareness itself for the first time in my life, which was like waking up for the first time in 22 years. With this trip, I wanted to go deeper. 2. Surprise I took 175ug and started preparing some fruits for later. After about 40 minutes I had the feeling that the substance kicks in so I layed on my bed in silent darkness (advice from Terrence). Before the trip, I even taped black garbage bags on my windows to make the room completely dark, so I can sleep better and don't get distracted during the trip. I was laying in bed and it was clear to me that the trip was unfolding, I had a definite sense that this is going to be a pretty strong trip. I felt completely open and ready to get bombarded with profound insides. But suddenly, the doorbell rang. It scared me a LOT. I was hoping that it was just the postman, but the doorbell rang again and again and again which made me very scared. I was not ready to interact with anybody during this intense experience so I decided to hide under the blanket and to wait until the visitor goes away. But the doorbell didn't stop ringing. After 4 or 5 minutes of this constant and painful doorbell noise, it was clear to me that the visitor would not stop. I had to give up pretending that I was not at home (even though no one could have known that I was at home that day), so I stood up, turned the lights on and opened the door while being in the middle of the LSD peak. (As soon as I turned the lights on I was seeing the typical LSD open eye visuals) 3. Sooo... I bought this new wardrobe It was my older sister. She has never visited me on surprise before (I live in a small apartment in a different city then her). We always got along pretty good but we were not super close. I never told her about my plans to try psychedelics. She was pregnant at that time and had other things on her mind so I didn't wanted to bother her with such a sensitive topic. After an awkward greeting she came into my room. She was surprised, because it took me a very long time to open the door and I was obviously acting very different than when I am sober (also the black garbage bags on my windows did not help to make a good impression). My sister had a “what is going on?” look on her face. She told me that the reason for her visit was that she and her boyfriend needed help with carrying a new wardrobe that they have bought, which had to be carried up to the third floor. Carrying a big ass wardrobe in my current psychedelic state? I don't think so. I thought about how to explain to my sister what was going on without freaking her out, but I could not come up with anything good, so I asked her: “have you ever heard about LSD?” I hoped she would somehow connect the dots and understand that I am doing it for spiritual growth because we had a lot of conversations about spirituality before and she seemed to be very interested in this topic (but we never talked about psychedelics). Unfortunately she reacted very bad. The look on her face turned from “what is going on?” into “WHAT THE FUCK!?”. I can not remember exactly what she said, I can only remember this pieces of the dialogue: Sister: You took LSD?? Me: Yes Sister: Can you still help me with the wardrobe? Me: At my current state, I can not do anything, haha. Then, my angry sister just ran out of my apartment before I had the chance to explain myself. I thought that if she runs away now, then I will probably have some sort of trauma after this, so I told her please don't go, while she was about to leave the hall of the building. She turned around and asked me “You took LSD? Are you insane?”, and then she left the building. I was devastated... That was such a shocking moment that I was standing paralyzed in my room for 2 hours crying and asking myself „Did this really happened?“. It seemed so surreal, I did not even managed to close the door of my apartment. I tried to call her but she did not pick up the phone. I started getting thoughts that I really was going insane which lead to a horrible feeling that I did something very bad and that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Insecurities started to pop up and I felt like I was being a drug addict who used “spirituality” to justify taking drugs to run away from life. I also became paranoid and thought that it was not just an accident, but the universe trying to tell me that I am fucking up my life. 4. I called a friend I knew that I was getting into a very negative spiral so I called a good friend and told him what happened. He picked me up and we went into a forest to go for a walk. After he picked me up I felt much better. The rest of the trip was positive and we had a great time just walking in the forest and talking. In the evening, when my trip was over, he drove me back home. I felt much better but the feeling, that something is wrong with me, remained. After a few hours I managed to go to sleep. For a long time, this experience made me very angry towards my sister, but now we get along again. It also caused my next trip to go very hairy, which scared me away from psychedelics for almost a year. Maybe I will post a trip report about that one later. There is a quote from Timothy Leary, which fits this story very well. He said: “LSD can sometimes cause psychotic behavior in people who have never taken it”. Thank you for reading

thanks for your reply, great video

Love this show! Just watched it a few months ago. There are even more very good animes with "hidden" spiritual teachings. The best that I have seen is hunter x hunter and parasyte. On the surface they both are presented as shonin/fighting anime with very good animation but when you are familiar with spirituality, you can see very obvious spiritual teachings displayed throughout the shows.

First Trip - 75ug 1P-LSD - Sensational love with food 50ug + 25ug 1P-LSD After long periods of consideration I finally decided to try 1P LSD for the first time. I tested the substance with an Elrich Reagent kit and did an allergy test with 10ug two weeks prior, which went great. At 13:00 o'clock I took 50ug on an empty stomach and layed on my bed in silent darkness (advice from Terence Mckenna). After one hour I started to notice a funny feeling, very similar to a cannabis high. I started giggling a lot about funny/stupid things I thought about, but nothing else happened which surprised me. I didn't felt like meditating at all. After two hours I decided to go for a walk because I got bored laying in my bed. I felt very comfortable in this state because I had some experience smoking cannabis so I had no problem with going outside even though I didn't plan to leave my apartment during that experience which I thought would be much stronger than a cannabis high. Outside I have gotten the idea to document my trip with an audio recording app on my phone so I started making short recordings in which I described my experience. 25ug extra After the short walk outside I decided to take another 25ug with the hope of turning this very mild trip into something more profound. I took the 25ug and layed on my bed. After some time I got bored again because nothing extraordinary was happening so I decided to eat a little bit. I opened my refrigerator and I saw a few (ordinary) mushrooms. I took one of them and for some reason started staring at this mushroom. It looked very ordinary and at the same time very beautiful and mysterious. I sat on the ground next to the refrigerator and just stared at this mushroom. It felt like the activity of looking at this mushroom was happening on its own as I realized afterwards. I looked at it, smelled it and touched every angel of that mushroom. Slowly I felt into some sort of a light trance of amazement, making sensational love to the mushroom. I had no thoughts, it was just pure perception and amazement. I was saying “wooooow” the hole time because of the amazement of the pure perception of the mushroom. I could not stop myself from experiencing it until I ripped it apart in small pieces. The destruction of the mushroom felt strangely similar to a climax of sexual arousal. It felt like I destroyed the mushroom with love. After the mushroom was destroyed I came back from the trance and I asked myself “what the hell was that?” I started laughing about the profound and unexplainable strangeness of the psychedelic experience. The banana I went back into my room and felt relatively normal again, just a little bit “high”. I recalled that I wanted to eat something which I completely forgot during the trance so I went back into the kitchen and looked for something to eat. I took a banana and went back in my room. The banana felt on the ground and instead of picking it up normally, I pushed the banana with my left foot on the top of my right foot, kicked it into the air and catched it with my hand. Immediately I was back in a trance of pure amazement because I realized the masterpiece of coordination that I just performed with my foot, hand and eyes. I said “wooow” all the time, sat on the ground and stared at the banana. The texture of the banana was suddenly so extraordinary beautiful. For 5-10 minutes I was starring at the banana with amazement, experiencing it with every sense until I ripped it apart and ate it. failed inquiry Before the trip, I prepared a short list of philosophical questions to think about during meditation. During the trip I noticed that I had no desire to meditate or contemplate at all. It seemed absurd and unnecessary which I found very surprising afterwards. I recall having the thought "what is there to find out anyway? The meanig of life? Who I realy am? What is existance?" That all seemed irrelevant. In the next days as I thought about the trip, I tried to figure out, what caused my sudden lack of interest towards meditation and contemplation during the trip. I am still not sure what the cause of it is, maybe the dose was not strong enough to put me into a contemplative mindset. What I learned it is impossible to imagine what the first psychedelic experience will be like it can be strange, indescribable and profound I saw what it was like to have an empty mind and to see things (in this case a mushroom and a banana) for what it is without taking it for granted Questions did you had psychedelic experiences whith caused a sudden lack of desire to contemplate or meditate?