kag101

wow that was deep. it reminded me of the movie Taxi Driver. @Onecirrus i think you should follow this advice, because i think you're on the verge of a breakdown. you're clearly an ambitious guy, but you have to be strategic. rome wasn't built in a day. take Leo as an example. he runs a business that is aligned with his LP. but before that he had to go through the "traditional" route for some years to be financially independent. a tree with weak roots won't grow properly. it will eventually collapse. and i'm worried that this might happen to you. take care!

haha, i agree. i prefer to meditate in a private and calm setting. some say it's good to be around chaos as to not judge it -- but i think this is for more advanced practitioners.

thing is, it's hard to find an excellent professional. otherwise, it's better not to do it. it's much deeper than "just talking". btw - soft can be extremely powerful. water doesn't resist anything, yet it overpowers everything careful not to fall into the trap of thinking that psychedelics are a magic pill.

cutting ties this past week was challenging. a guy who i was friends with benefits with decided to cut ties with me. he said he had fallen in love. it sucks that happened. i cried a lot when i saw that he had unfollowed me on instagram. i still had some hope that we could be only friends... i understand that in some cases, being only friends doesn't work. i'm calmer now. so i can see the situation with more clarity. analyzing i had some very deep and satisfying conversations with this guy, and i found him attractive. on the other hand, he is not emotionally balanced. he battles with depression (with suicidal tendencies), and he's also unhappy where he's living every once in a while, he would screw it up. but, because i had seen the potential in our relationship, i would try to get over with as quick as possible. then, there was some stability. but sooner or later, he would do another thing that would make him lose points with me. so basically, i think it was for the best. our interaction was causing pain both to me and to him. i feel like it ended prematurely though. . i wrote him a letter, which i will probably not send it, in which i vented for 1 hour. it was important. in a way, i'm kinda glad that our relationship is over, because i was worried about his mental health. and now it's as if this burden was taken off of me. and i'm glad that i won't have to deal with his drama anymore. without some emotional stability, it is impossible to cultivate a friendship long-term. grieving as if he had died but i won't lie. i miss him. and i know that he misses me too. there's nothing left to say about this. it's over. and gradually i will overcome this, meet new people. and he'll do the same. when i realized that i wasn't going to talk with him anymroe, it felt like he had literally died. it was painful. we tried to work things out many times, but it didn't. i'm grateful for our interaction. it was positive, and i will remember him for the rest of my life. i wish we would be in touch for a longer time. but that was not the case. that said, it's better to end it prematurely than to drag it for a very long time. it was the first time that something like this happened to me. that is, having to cut ties because another person had fallen in love with me. being truly mature i'm glad that we ended things on good terms. he communicated what he was feeling and his decision. it was painful, but i understood it. it was a situation that helps me be a more mature human being. an adult. being truly mature is so good. it's not about rigid self-discipline. but it's as if i could have a good relationship with my inner child. being rational & caring towards my innocence. it's hard to accept. but i've gone through similar situations, and i know i'll survive. what if he gets in touch with me again? i will ponder whether i want it or not. because right now i don't even know if i want him to be in my life. and i doubt that he's going to change. he's a very monogamic/romantic type of person. random stuff i've been trying to swiping on tinder for like 10-15 minutes per day. it's statistical. sooner or later, i'll meet some cool people. i had a match with an attractive girl, and that was a good surprise. she's fun. i was talking with my therapist how i'm afraid of other people falling in love for me. the internet can be a very toxic place. when my screen time is higher than 6 hours, then it gets toxic. i went out with another friend, but i didn't kiss him. i was not in the mood for it. anyway, it really helped me. because i had been spending too much time by myself and on the internet. it's important to hang out. it distracts the mind. i wish i was enjoying my college experience.

I understand. I'm pretty sure they were crappy professionals. I really hope you find good ones. It's a totally different experience. It's very transformative. When my mental health was bad, I would do deep contemplation for hours, and seeing in retrospect, it just made matters worse... What I truly needed was a trustworthy human being who is qualified to help me out. Check this out: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mania

how can you be so sure that psychotherapy is "too soft"? but they can also make one get heavily traumatized, trigger psychotic breaks, etc. it's an overly high risk gamble, especially if you're doing it alone.

gaining weight... it's nothing that big, but i dont like having to worry about that. i'm kinda traumatized, as i struggled with mild eating disorder in the best. but i know that there is definitely room for improvement in how i have been eating. for instance, desserts. there is a huge difference between eating a small portion and a huge one. so i will try to make these changes through self-negotiation. Self-negotiation >>>>>> Diets My fears are 1) end up thinkign about food way too much 2) my appettite stops working properly. so even if i ate, i will still be hungry. the first day when making a change is always the hardest. and if i don't succeed and end up eating like i was, then i don't really have to worry that much because i don't have a huge problem. that said, i do feel like it's important to invest some emotional labor into limit how much food. the trap is getting neurotic about that and end up getting too rigid, which can happen as i have this tendency. facing things head-on i didn't know if i was going to step on the scale to see my weight. but i decided to face it. i was inspired by a lecture i saw yesterday. it's of a guy who has a terminal cancer and knows he's going to die in more or less 6 months, but he faces this situation in an amazing way. it's really inspirational. btw, you don't have to watch the whole thing. just the first 6 minutes or so.

Whether you have experienced kundalini or not, you should go to a good psychiatrist either way. Be careful with the trap of spiritualizing mental illness. I've had a similar experience in 2016. The difference was that I was on that state 24/7. I thought that I was getting enlightened. But actually I was on the verge of a psychotic break. It was hard for my spiritual ego to accept that, and it was definitely one of the hardest periods of my life. But anyway, if it starts to get too intense, then forget about kundalini and seek medical care. Good luck, man!

is one month ago, literally, the same as today? what if there's a bear going after you?

keep in mind that it's also not sustainable to have a overly rigid approach to self development but like... what change you want to make? eat less ice cream? this is my favorite video from leo

here's my 2 cents: you can't think your way out of overthinking, lol @gggkkk nice reply. insightful!

Haha neither do I. Omg, how complicated... Do you have any hobbies?

Chess getting destroyed chess has been frustrating. i had gone up to 800, but i think i was actually lucky. i am playing with people at this elo and i'm getting my ass kicked most of the times. it pisses me off. so i think it's actually better if i lose some elo so that i can play with guys that are closer to my level. it's one thing to have resilience, it's another to get destroyed every time. this saps the joy out of the game. and it gets so frustrating that i end up wanting to quit. i mean, i make some pretty silly mistakes. if i could stop making those, then i would have a better chance. it's not that the guys that i'm playing are super good. no. but they're significantly better than the ones i had been playing. players that have a rating 500-700 are weak. that's good, because then i don't have to be so alert during the game. i can miss an opportunity or blunder something, because my opponent will likely make many mistakes. insight as to why i'm making so many blunders i do think i am playing against people who are beyond my level. i think that i'm making silly mistakes because i've been focusing on more advanced stuff, so because of that, i end up not paying attention to the basic stuff. so now i've been playing at a different category (it's called blitz; the games are shorter), in which i have a lower elo. It's 630 or something. It was a relief to play against weaker players, lol. And it's also good to practice playing some shorter games. the overwhelming majority of the players prefer this modality. i prefer some longer ones (10 minutes per player). the roots = most important it's really interesting to go through a real example of the mastery process. a spur of progress, then plateau, backsliding, then progress, etc. it's so freaking important to not skip steps. that is, i'm at "level 2" right now, but if i have to play simpler chess than there's no shame in that. it's like a pyramid. the foundation have to be solid. would i like to be a great player and improve quickly? yes. am i comparing my rating with other beginners i know? yes. i've been really hooked up on this game lol. i mean, it's not an addiction, because i am able to stop when i get too stressed. and i don't think about it all the time. but it's something that i am naturally attracted to these days. my guess is that by next year, i will be doing something else. but i will still play from time to time. breaking a pattern: totally interested, then aversed i used to have a bad pattern: i would totally immerse myself in a new hobby. but then i would get so fed up with it that i would get aversion. for example, movies. i would watch a movie per day. and i focused on the classics. but then after a year or so, i got tired of it. and nowadays i rarely see movies lol. but i don't think that's what's happening in the case of chess. because it's something that i have recently started so it's natural to have an extra interest. it's just like when you fall in love with a person. there's the honey-moon phase, and eventually things start to settle. the problem is when the honey-moon is exaggerated. but, again, it's not the case. also, i feel like i have a lot of room for growth. it's like i know that i will have a breakthrough in the foreseeable future. but i know that eventually, i will get stuck at a level. and if i wnat to really imrpove, i will have to dedicated too much time to it — which i will not do, lol. i always had a inferiority complex in regards to logic, math, etc. so it's cool to have this new hobby. it's a step-by-step process. i'm not a genius, but i'm not super retarded neither. random thoughts • i will go out with the guy i mention on the last post on this sunday. i think i will go with him at a place to get a piercing on my eyebrows lol. • another guy that i used to go out has told me that he had fallen in love with me, and that he thinks it's better if we distance ourselves for now. i'm really not sure if we will cut ties. i hope not, because he's nice and interesting to talk with. he's attractive, but i don't have this romantic interest in him. • i simply haven't been watching my college classes. next week will be the final exams. and i'm glad that is so. i hope next semester will be better. i want to change to a modality that has more online classes. i'm afraid of losing my scholarship. but i think that it would be worth it even if i lost it. • i had a big insight about how i should let my body do its thing. whenever i interfere, i screw things up. for example, some years ago, i wanted to sound better. but after a while, my voice got very whispery and it was sounding artificial and unpleasant. and i would get a sore throat because of that. so instead of trying too hard, i should trust that my body knows what to do. i mean, there are billions of years of evolution behind me. so i guess nature is more competent than my little ego. thanks for reading feel free to dm me if you want a self-actualizing friend, hehe

Negotiate with yourself to limit how much ice cream you have. If you take the approach of “never eating it again”, then sooner or later it’ll backfire.

So it's just anectodal evidence? Aren't you trusting those experiences you had too much? What if this "seeing" you've had is actually illusory? How is this not solipsism? And you are claiming that you have that power?

Solipsism? How can you be so sure? I hope not. That would be freaking boring, lol. Reminds me of the movie Groundhog Day. What do you mean by "magic"?

Hey! I just realized that I created a topic about this same subject on the same day as you posted this one. Lol, synchronicity. Oh... and I also didn't have any replies, lol. Yes! Yeap. Good reminder. I have a weakness that I've been working on in regards to decision-making. I wrote about it on the topic that I posted:

It sounds interesting. Thanks for sharing!

Acupucture is just a fancy form of placebo. It can work, but it's still a placebo... I don't find those carthatic methods (such as intense breath work) to be effective. It can have a temporary effect, but it doesn't really work in the long-term. Good psychotherapy is, in my experience, the most powerful and effective way to truly emotional release. It's a gradual and solid process.

Sometimes having egotistical fantasies can be quite enjoyable, lol. BS. I'm not sure if I really understood. You engage in a mental masturbation to figure out why you had a certain thought and that leads you nowhere?

Haha... I think you're judging your judgments way too much. This only adds to the problem. It's just like people who only want to think positive. Sooner or later, it backfires. I have this tendency of overly self-justifying. I can't just do something "because I feel like it". No... I have to have tons of arguments on why I'm doing that. So really, try not to fight with the thoughts you naturally have. Thoughts are neither good or bad, they're just thoughts. Don't take them too seriously. Sometimes there's got to be confrontation in a relationship. Being loving does not mean being a pushover. If you partner doesn't vaccuum once, then I think you have all the right to be angry at him. Obviously, we can't go to the other extreme and start yelling and being rude. It's a matter of being firm without being aggressive.

Do you work or study?

Of course not. Mind secretes thoughts just like the salivary glands secrete saliva.

college crisis i've been anxious about my college classes. i really want to change the modality to a hybrid, which means that I would have to go fewer days to college. that's become so clear. too bad i didn't realize that beforehand. problem is, i have a scholarship. and i might lose it if i do that. i'll only know the answer in july/august. goddamn! i know that time passes by quickly, but it's not easy. i won't be able to keep up with going to classes every single day, and watching some boring-ass classes. i mean, if it's 2-3 times per week, i can handle it. but 5 times a week. blah! i'm mostly self-taught. so this change would be very beneficial. i don't like the classes, but i really enjoy reading the books and doing my own research. the college i'm going to is pretty easy. that's a good thing. it's something important for me, so figured the need for coming up with a strategy for being able to continue. adapt. i'm becoming a better strategist. and the key point in this case is: learning how to put a specific worry on-hold if i'll only have an answer in a month or two, i've got to find ways to not get overwhelmed by the anxiety. there's a time to take action, and there's a time to do nothing. i'd say i have 65% chance of changing the modality and keeping my scholarship. hello, Future Self, did that work out? i hope so leaving comfort zone here i've been thinking about trying to share more personal things here. like not an oversharing kinda stuff. i guess that could be positive. for example: i'm bissexual. tinder is pretty good for meeting new guys, but it's crappy for meeting women. i've bought a 1-month platinum version. i hope that helps me have a match with at least 1 interesting woman. but i do understand that, regardless of the gender, it's hard to find cool people. cute guy - meet two weeks from now there's this guy i've been talking with for a year. we've met only once. it's hard to go on a date with someone when you need to use a mask most of the time. because in order to kiss, both parties have to take off the mask. so it's kinda unnatural. well, basically, i tried to induce some situations that we took off our mask, but then he quickly put it back. i thought that maybe he didn't want to kiss or something, but i'm pretty sure he didn't even notice what i wanted to do. but i think we're going out again (if there isn't yet another lockdown) two weekends from now. (4th or 5th of june) i've dropped some hints, and i think it's become clear that he does want to kiss me. so i'm just going to go for it. if he doesn't want, it's okay. he's first and foremost my friend. we have a very special connection. he's a great listener, light-hearted, simple, etc. when we first started talking, i was infatuated. it took me some months to get out of that. and i'm curious to see what would happen if we did kiss. i've never officially dated someone, so that could be interesting. on the other hand, i feel like it's important to weight carefully if that's what i really want. because i feel like that can be a lot of room for growth by going out with several different people. ps: as you can see, the key senteces here are bold. not sure if that is good or actually too much?

Lol Yes Yes Very thoughtful reply, @kinesin Why did you have this need for ranting about reality to her? I've done that in the past many times, and I was one of the most unpleasant persons to be around with -- worse than an overly religious person. I thought I was on a higher level spiritually, but in reality my life was a huge mess, and I was desperately trying to use spirituality as a shortcut for magically changing how I felt. Here's a quote I really like: "My family hates me when I'm a Buddhist, but they love me when I'm a Buddha."