kag101

I had this emotional breakdown today. I slept very heavily and woke up very late. I thought of forcing myself to wake up, but I didn't have enough will power to do so. And I thought of how challenging it is to have the typical western routine. When I was at school, I struggled a lot with that. And I'm not sure if I'm able to get back to it. So, basically, today I didn't really live, you know? I was just eating a lot, playing, and not interacting. I don't like to feel this way. But hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up sooner and get some momentum so that I can enjoy the day and have more vitality. On Wednesday, I'll go to my psychiatrist. And I feel like this is a burden. I feel I have to give explanations to him, as if I were a little child. I need to feel more empowered. Yesterday, I argued with a friend. And even though I don't see her in more than a year, it gave me a very unpleasant feeling that she cut ties with me. And it's strange how the mind works sometimes, because the more she rejects me, the more I think about her. Not necessarily in a romantic way. That's it for today. Thanks for reading.

Today I realized how unhealthy it is to live with parents, especially in my 20’s. It is a comfort zone that turns me into a prisoner. Now, I could get neurotic about this and desperately try to “break free” from my parents, but I know this doesn’t work very well. Instead, I have to be a “strategic motherfucker”. It was a very deep inside. Also, I don't really like the title of this journal. When I write "My Depression", it's as if depression is my little baby... But anyways...

The last few days haven't been easy. I realized that my psychiatrist forces me too much. He applies way too much masculine compassion. He's way too pragmatic and straightforward. However, in my case, this backfires. I know what I should be doing. I know I should be doing more physical exercises, working more, sleeping in a more consistent time, etc. But I feel overwhelmed by all of this. And what ends up happening is that I end up doing nothing. Another thing I don't like about him is, I always feel the need of giving explanations for my behavior to him. And if I am not doing much, I feel too ashamed to tell him, which makes me tell half-truths. One thing that's been bringing me down is that I see too much darkness in the world. I see how my friends and the people around me are not genuinely happy. I used to do crazy spiritual practices to bypass all of this. The world around me (and inside me) is unhappy? Let me meditate the shit out of that so that I don't have to deal with that. At least, now, I see how fighting with reality only makes it worse.

Why I Was Feeling Nauseas (Probably) Today, I think I understood why I have been nauseas. Long story short, I’ll probably have to stop using the shamanic snuff I mentioned yesterday. I admit that I am a little addicted to it. I am using it as a crutch. And even though I say to myself that it helps with my anxiety, I might be fooling myself. In fact, I think I have been using it so much that it has stopped being effective. I also fear that, because it is psychoactive, I may have problems with it. Crutches & Addictions Three months ago, I stopped using weed. At first, it was sort of difficult. But nowadays, it’s something that don’t even come to mind. I mean, I’m curious to see how would I feel if I got high again, but it’s a manageable desire. And my main strategy was through rape (shamanic snuff). It would make me not want to smoke. I fear I will exchange one addiction to another. For example, instead of using rape, I might start binge eating (which is much unhealthier). Or get neurotic about gym. On the other hand, maybe I am ready to let this crutch go. My mind comes up with all these really vivid scenarios of crippling anxiety & depression that might happen in the future. Unfortunately, I have a hard time not taking them too seriously. Opening Up With Psychiatrist Last thing I want to mention is that I actually don’t feel that comfortable sharing the truth with my psychiatrist. He’s all about masculine compassion. I know I have a victim-mentality, and that people shouldn’t console me all the time. But truth is, I feel very overwhelmed by all of his recommendations. I told him that I will try to start weightlifting and acupuncture this week. I got a wave of depression tonight. I only slept 4 hours today, so I’m not sure if it’s depression or tiredness. To be honest, I feel sad, confused, and overwhelmed. I have been thinking a lot these past hours... And curiously, I was very uplift during the day... Thanks for reading!