kag101

Harsh Moves I have been feeling quite well over the last week. And there is a tendency to take massive action. But I know from experience that this is not going to work. I have got to nice and steady. Neurosis won’t help me. I am searching for a new psychiatrist. Mine is not emphatic and uses too much masculine compassion. This approach can work with some people, but not for me. I am already too rigid with myself; I don’t need my doctor to be like that. One of my fears was to get euphoric. That is, going from one extreme to the other. Depression – Euphoria. Fortunately, this is not the case. I feel healthy. Many people told me I'd feel an emotional void, that I would feel artificial, but that hasn't been the case for me. I can see the bullshit of the world, but I don’t get drag into it. I know that I have to change from the inside out. Not the other way around. If I keep feeling like this, I will sure make progress in my life. I am behind other people my age. But I can quickly catch up. I am very competent and intelligent. I notice details that most people don’t. I have highly sensitive personality. So I need time to recharge, which is very different from dwelling into depression. I need a natural break. I notice how most people are very innefective, overwhelmed, and addicted to “doing”. If I manage to create a life that I can produce, while also being able to relax, then I am on the right track. If am at peace with myself, the behaviors of others don’t bother me. I simply ignore it, or I leave. With no harsh moves.

It’s been 20 days since I started my new medication. So it is acting by now. For the past 8 days (last time I posted here), I have been feeling well. But yesterday I started to feel highly irritated. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have all the sleep I needed. I will see how I feel tomorrow. I made some research and I found a condition called dysthymia. It’s a moderate type of depression characterized by bad humor. And this new med may cause that. It's almost impossible to relate to others when I feel irritated by the slightest thing. I've noticed that when I am at peace with myself, the behaviors of others don't bother me. That being said, I know that some side effects are likely to reduce after a while. I still don't have a solid base. I fear I may break out at any time. My mind still tends to rationalize the state of my mind as if there are mystical forces operating, such as horoscope. Luckily, I spot those types of thoughts and I can disregard them. I also feel a little paranoid sometimes, but, again, I notice those thoughts and it's pretty easy to disregard them. This alteration in my humor made me realize what depression really is. It is very clear when it happens. I’m afraid I won’t adapt to any medication. Or that I will feel artificial with antidepressants. But I have to wait and try more before reaching to any conclusion. In the following week, I will go to the psychiatrist, and I will say things as honestly as possible. For example, I have been taking pregabalin for muscular pain. But I am not sure it’s doing me any good, in fact, I think I have been feeling swollen because of it. I also think that the psychiatrist gives me advice for taking action, when I still don't feel good enough to do things. And this tends to backfire. I worked out yesterday. It felt pretty good. It’s something methodical and quite therapeutical. I hope I am not making any gross mistake that can lead to an injury.

Barely Hanging In There... But Then Hopeful... Today I woke up in lazy mode. I just wanted to do whatever was the easiest and escape from my responsabilities. Then, a friend called saying he had forgotten something in my house. I really wanted to not deal with that, but I had no choice but to invite him to my house. I almost had an anxiety attack before he arrived. I get very ashamed of being in a depressed state, and I don't want anyone to see it. It's really twisted how I get attached to a particular state, and sometimes it's hard to let it go. It's a feedback loop. That is, depression feeds my actions. And my actions feed my depression. After a while when he was at my house, something clicked inside of me and depression seemed like a silly thing. I stopped giving it my attention. I realized it was safe to let it go. Not because I neurotically wanted to get rid of it, but because I knew I didn't need it. I love when that happens. Then, I went to his house. We watched a lot of Death Note episodes. Sometimes I think it's best if I can avoid those type of dark things, but it's actually pretty fun and intriguing. We watched some other things, and then we started to have a deep conversation. About two years ago, I was addicted to meaningful conversations. All I wanted was that. But I have realized they naturally arise. There's no need to force them. Right now, it's 3:36 am. I am feeling pretty peaceful and hopeful. I often forget the healing power of being in the presence of someone I trust. And even though I often scold myself for not being good enough, or for not being where I think I should be in my life; I have these moments of *exhale* calmness and okayness. No need to figure anything out. Tension will only make matters worse. But instead, to trust that by simply being who I already am, I will be guided to the right path. Deep down, I still think I'm just a lazy spoiled guy... Reminder: beating yourself up will only make matters worse.

I had this emotional breakdown today. I slept very heavily and woke up very late. I thought of forcing myself to wake up, but I didn't have enough will power to do so. And I thought of how challenging it is to have the typical western routine. When I was at school, I struggled a lot with that. And I'm not sure if I'm able to get back to it. So, basically, today I didn't really live, you know? I was just eating a lot, playing, and not interacting. I don't like to feel this way. But hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up sooner and get some momentum so that I can enjoy the day and have more vitality. On Wednesday, I'll go to my psychiatrist. And I feel like this is a burden. I feel I have to give explanations to him, as if I were a little child. I need to feel more empowered. Yesterday, I argued with a friend. And even though I don't see her in more than a year, it gave me a very unpleasant feeling that she cut ties with me. And it's strange how the mind works sometimes, because the more she rejects me, the more I think about her. Not necessarily in a romantic way. That's it for today. Thanks for reading.

Today I realized how unhealthy it is to live with parents, especially in my 20’s. It is a comfort zone that turns me into a prisoner. Now, I could get neurotic about this and desperately try to “break free” from my parents, but I know this doesn’t work very well. Instead, I have to be a “strategic motherfucker”. It was a very deep inside. Also, I don't really like the title of this journal. When I write "My Depression", it's as if depression is my little baby... But anyways...

The last few days haven't been easy. I realized that my psychiatrist forces me too much. He applies way too much masculine compassion. He's way too pragmatic and straightforward. However, in my case, this backfires. I know what I should be doing. I know I should be doing more physical exercises, working more, sleeping in a more consistent time, etc. But I feel overwhelmed by all of this. And what ends up happening is that I end up doing nothing. Another thing I don't like about him is, I always feel the need of giving explanations for my behavior to him. And if I am not doing much, I feel too ashamed to tell him, which makes me tell half-truths. One thing that's been bringing me down is that I see too much darkness in the world. I see how my friends and the people around me are not genuinely happy. I used to do crazy spiritual practices to bypass all of this. The world around me (and inside me) is unhappy? Let me meditate the shit out of that so that I don't have to deal with that. At least, now, I see how fighting with reality only makes it worse.

Why I Was Feeling Nauseas (Probably) Today, I think I understood why I have been nauseas. Long story short, I’ll probably have to stop using the shamanic snuff I mentioned yesterday. I admit that I am a little addicted to it. I am using it as a crutch. And even though I say to myself that it helps with my anxiety, I might be fooling myself. In fact, I think I have been using it so much that it has stopped being effective. I also fear that, because it is psychoactive, I may have problems with it. Crutches & Addictions Three months ago, I stopped using weed. At first, it was sort of difficult. But nowadays, it’s something that don’t even come to mind. I mean, I’m curious to see how would I feel if I got high again, but it’s a manageable desire. And my main strategy was through rape (shamanic snuff). It would make me not want to smoke. I fear I will exchange one addiction to another. For example, instead of using rape, I might start binge eating (which is much unhealthier). Or get neurotic about gym. On the other hand, maybe I am ready to let this crutch go. My mind comes up with all these really vivid scenarios of crippling anxiety & depression that might happen in the future. Unfortunately, I have a hard time not taking them too seriously. Opening Up With Psychiatrist Last thing I want to mention is that I actually don’t feel that comfortable sharing the truth with my psychiatrist. He’s all about masculine compassion. I know I have a victim-mentality, and that people shouldn’t console me all the time. But truth is, I feel very overwhelmed by all of his recommendations. I told him that I will try to start weightlifting and acupuncture this week. I got a wave of depression tonight. I only slept 4 hours today, so I’m not sure if it’s depression or tiredness. To be honest, I feel sad, confused, and overwhelmed. I have been thinking a lot these past hours... And curiously, I was very uplift during the day... Thanks for reading!