kag101

Day 6 [5-28-2019] It's 1:38 am (5-29) right now. >> I woke up at around 8:30 am today. I think I woke up due to the construction site nearby. Even though I use ear plugs, the sound of the hammer still wakes me up. >> I started to get irritated as the hours pass by. But I realized today that my anger is totally justifiable. We live in a f-up world, because: I am in a moment of my life that I am going back a few stages, and mastering spiral dynamics stage red. It's a self-affirmation type of thing, of learning how to say "No!", to protect my ego (aka inner child). If I want to transcend the ego, first I need to develop a healthy one. But I do recognize that I need medication, at least for now. I carry too much rage inside me. And if I don't have my pills daily, I freak out and start to think the world is against me. But truth is, the world doesn't give a fuck about me. And that is liberating. =) MY DOG PASSED AWAY -- HERE'S WHAT I LEARNT WITH THIS EXPERIENCE I went with my mom to the vet to see if the liver tumor my dog Josh had could be solved with surgery. It was a high risk one, and unfortunately he passed away. This was the first time in my life that I experienced death with a being that I liked. Interesting facts: 1- He passed away two weeks after I finally broke the silence with my dad, and told him about how I truly felt. 2- My parents separated when I was 8. And Josh was 8. 3- If I was a new-ager, i would say that my dog had picked up the energetic imbalance in the field, and he was a martyr because thanks to him the tumor didn't go to me, but to him. It was HUGE. Like 6 inches, and he was a small dog (ilhasa apso). DEPRESSION VS GRIEF - WHAT IS TOUGHER? I haven't had a depressive mood in about a month. I think this has never happened in my life. It's funny how I used to think psychiatric medication didn't work, that it was only a way for the pharmaceutical industry to make money off of people. But they do work. I think I have finally found the right med for me. It's called Quetiapine. It works with depression, bipolar disorder, and paranoia. And it also gives me a very good night of sleep. But anyway, my point is: yes, losing a pet is uncomfortable and it sucks. But it is nowhere near as complicated as having a major depressive episode, because at least I know that my sadness and grieving has a clear cause: my dog died. But with depression, it comes out of nowhere. I have finally understood the importance of grieving. And how the West African Shaman Malidomá Somé said about western people, That is, if we don't allow ourselves to go through all the stages of the grief process, we will become fragmented. Grieving is like raining season. It's necessary. But too much of it will cause problems. People worry too much about the environmental changes (such as climate change, acid rain, overpopulation). But the thing that we should really focus on is our inner environmental changes. Are we crying too much, or nothing at all? Do we have a lot of toxic feelings? It's all analogous. Nature works with patterns. In other words, Crying too much = too much rain Not crying at all = too little rain If something is not right, then a good psychiatrist can certainly help! It's no use meditating 4 hours a day, if you still have unfinished business and traumas to resolve. Grieving is a necessary part of life. Sure, I can't get too attached to that, but it is something natural and healthy. When I was depressed, I couldn't feel anything. Because my emotions were too intense, I stopped feeling all emotions. I got numb as a way to protect myself. But now, I can live life without letting fear run my life. I feel alive as I grieve for my pet. When I was alone with him, I listened to Jack Kornfield's guided meditation on forgiveness. It's so beautiful: OTHER INFORMATION >> I was able to poop today. Hooray! I also ate relatively health. It was too much, but I got surprised by how I can still function with high stress. This is great of my self-confidence >> During the evening, I contacted my psychiatrist via WhatsApp, because I thought I had stepped on glass. Fortunately, my mom went to the ER with me, and it turned out it was nothing, just a blister. The doctor was REALLY good. He was very calm, yet he was very confident in what he was saying. >> I realized I am a little hypochondriac today. Here's from Wikipedia: >> I took my meds correctly. >> I used rape 7 or 8 times today. It was a little bit too much, but at least I am reducing how many times I have it. >> Now that depression is no longer present, I can see how amazing I am. I am now valuing all the things that I have done in my life. I feel my thoughts are sharper. And I am able to use my energy more wisely. And everything comes naturally Thanks for reading! =)

In a way, we are victims. Victims of our genetics, environment, upbringing, country, 21st century, etc.

Day 5 [5-27-2019] It's 2:10 am (5-28) right now. >> I woke up at around 7:30 am today. I woke up feeling very well. Taking 3 pills of Quetiapine (150mg) is definitely the right dosage at night. >> I started to get irritated as the hours pass by, though. Then, I had an extra 25mg pill. >> I was able to poop easily today. It blows me away how I take pooping for granted. It's such a miracle and a blessing when it happens... >> I contacted my psychiatrist via WhatsApp. He was dry (as usual), but he told me I should indeed take an extra pill. And he also suggested me to go there today. >> I had an argument with my older sister (she's 3 years older than me) about depression. She wouldn't let me finish my sentences. Then, at one moment I shouted, "IT'S A FUCKING ILLNESS!" She was giving me a shallow advice of like, "Go out and do something, then you'll feel better." I mean, I have been studying self-development for 11-fucking-years... But anyway, she understood my point. The consultation went fine. We decided to take away the anti-depressant (venlafaxine), and increase the dosage of the anti-psychotic (quetiapine). So here's my new Quetiapine schedule: This is a high dosage, but it's a very safe medication. In case of overdose, it likely only makes the person sedated. I don't have to be very rigid with the times. And I can skip a 25mg if I need to. Because I am stopping the antidepressant, I might feel nauseated. In that case, I should contact my psychiatrist and take an anti-nausea medication. Shamanic Snuff - Using More Than 10 Times, But It Wasn't a Big Deal I used rape about 12 times today. I know this looks like it was a lot, but I took very small dosages. I should probably change the way I measure how much rapé I take daily. Maybe I should calculated the grams. Anyway, it was definitely more than I should take, but it was nothing big. I was worrying that rapé and anti-psychotic wouldn't be a good combination, but it seems as though it is. Rapé is known for taking away paranoia attacks in people who are tripping in ayahuasca. So I guess it's a very safe drug. Eating & Nausea I ate a lot today. I binged in the afternoon. Then I had a good nap, and I woke up more lucid. I didn't guilt myself for eating too much, but I also didn't go on "neurotic anorexic mode". I also did very good at WhatsApp. I am able to say no, and not feel guilty about it. I am feeling a slight nausea right now. I will probably have something to eat, then try to sleep. Thanks for reading! =)

Exactly. That guy @flowboy knows nothing about attracting women, lol. I bet he hasn't got laid in the past year. If he did, I bet it was with unattractive girls. Anyway, sometimes not touching the girl can be a good strategy for attracting her, because that is an unconscious signal that you're a high status man, because even though the moment is clearly asking for a physical touch or kiss, you're able to emotionally resist it. So I'd say, only touch the girl when it's obvious that she wants it. Practice with > 6 girls first. Don't expect to pick up an HB9 right away, lol. It takes practice, but it should be a fun practice. This is a great rule of thumb: A good additional resource is: https://www.theattractiveman.com/rules-to-raise-status/ But, please, don't get neurotic about following all these rules. Remembert that: ultimately, there are no rules.

Day 4 [5-26-2019] 10:44 am I woke up at 8 am today, which is way better than 4 am. First thing I did was take Venlafaxine (the antidepressant) and Quetiapine (the antipsychotic). I woke up feeling constipated, though. So I made some oatmeal, had a papaya shake, ate lettuce, and ate some whole-wheat bread. Oh, and I drank some water with lemon and some turmeric, which always help me defecate, for some reason. It was 9 am, and I still couldn't poop. It's such a frustrating feeling. So I decided to use rapé (shamanic snuff), because it helps a lot to poop. Five minutes afterwards, I took a very nice shit, hehe Then, I was having breakfast with my mom, and I started to get irritated out of nowhere. So instead of taking the second dosage of the antipsychotic at 12 pm, I took it at like 10 am. This is not good. I need to respect the schedule. My Quetiapine (antipsychotic) schedule is: I have to stick with those times. Taking them earlier and/or more often will not help me. Oh, and I also took Tylenol, because I was feeling I was catching a cold. I will take it again at about 3 pm. So, after I'm done here, I will use some rapé. And have something to eat. I will try to use it in the following times, and use the following types of rapé: Rapé is made out of a specific type of tobacco (called Moe) with tree bark. It helps me to defecate more easily and to focus my mind into the present moment, to feel completely rooted in the here and now. Check it out how, for example, a Samaúma looks like: And here's a rapé of Samaúma: I'm currently not doing therapy. Only psychiatric treatment. My psychiatrist is also a therapist though. I think he is Jungian, but I'm not sure. We only talk about my mood and mental health. We don't get into personal things. It's a very scientific type of thing. I am not a fan of therapy, because I think there's a lot of mumbo jumbo and excessive talking. But I intend to start it in the future, probably one or two months from now. I will search for a good one at www.doctarlia.com.br, which is a great site, because they allow users to review the doctors. Thanks for your question! Have a great week! (=

What a useless piece of advice. The guy is almost 17. He's not that young! In my case, I used to read a lot about PUA. But too much theory is a bad thing. I started to pick up hot girls after I let go of wanting to make them fall for me. Sexual arousal is something that either happens or does not happen. You can't force it. I was raised by mom and older sister. So when I started to treat other women like I do with my mom and sis, they naturally started to feel attracted to me. If you're in doubt on whether or not to touch a girl, don't do it. Let go of that thought. If you act on it, it will likely be very creepy... Focus on being in the present moment with the girl.

Omg... You really think you had a "full god experience" while you were high on LSD, watching an Youtube video of a guy who was also high on LSD? No wonder why hippies have such a bad rep...

Your experience could be very well delusional. To really take care of your mental health, you should go to a psychiatrist, not a therapist. Because it is a hallucination. Yea, yea, I know, reality itself is a hallucination. So see those psychedelic experiences as a hallucination within a hallucination. Don't trust your brain so blindly! Or you can get paranoid for the rest of your life... I have known many people who had to start taking anti-psychotic medication for the rest of their life due to psychedelic trips. So don't romanticize bad trips. Yes, you can learn a lot from them. But you can also go too deep into the rabbit hole. LOL! Exactly. At least you admit you're addicted to it

Day 3 [5-26-2019] 5:44 PM I got kind of paranoid earlier today, and I still am. I talked with my psychiatrist and we decided to raise the dosage for the anti-psychotic medication. I am really worried that I shouldn't be using rapé. I already used it 6 times today. And I am about to use it again. I know it's not doing me any good. And I'm worried of freaking out. And I hate how I can't stop using it. I am so worried that it will mess with the medication. And I feel there is no one I can't talk with. No one will understand how I am feeling. And today I just feel a dull feeling of emptiness. No aliveness. Kind of numb. And I am just scared I will not get better off. I want to feel healthy again. Well, I will take 3 pills of the anti-psychotic at 8 PM. I hope I get better. I will try to use rapé only 2 more times today. I have to remind myself to be patient.

I don't think so. That looks just like a justification for smoking weed. Yes, you're trying to self-medicate with marijuana. This is BS. Weed is a psychoactive substance. And it's widely known for triggering paranoia. Do as you wish... Honestly, I don't think you should use weed or any other psychedelic ever again. You should go see a doctor to check on your mental health!

Yes, you are too young. You should focus on basic self-development. And you should go to a counselor or psychologist. Don't skip steps! Study Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs. How are your social skills, for example? This is much more basic and important skill than self-inquiry!

LOL! You're a newbie at marijuana, aren't you? Weed = Cannabis = Pot = Marijuana I said you shouldn't use "weed", because you need to do it in a ritualistic manner. Most people in the US use it as thought they are smoking a cigarette that makes you go high. You need to respect the plant. Ideally, you should go to a Rastafarian ceremony. Otherwise, you'll use it in a mindless manner.

Have you ever had any paranoia while using marijuana? If yes, DO NOT use it.

First of all, don't use weed; use cannabis. http://www.cannabisandspirituality.com/quick-guide-to-cannabis-as-a-spiritual-ally/

Physical touch is overrated, imo. Touching should be something natural. Otherwise, it's very creepy. If you can manage stop seeing the girl as a "prey", and you just act normal with her, that's much more attractive. But anyway, here's something that might be helpful: http://www.bestpuatraining.com/kino-escalation

Keeping Track Of Shamanic Snuff, New Medication & Rogaine [30 days] Day 2 [5-25-2019] > I decided I will not use rogaine for now. I will wait these 30 days to pass, then I will probably go to a dermatologist that is specialized in hair loss to check that out. So in the beginning of June. > I used shamanic snuff 8x. This is a lot, and it is unhealthy. > I had two difficult conversations with my mom and dad. Mom: I talked about my sexuality. I am coming out gradually. I already told my mom and sister that I am homosexual. At first they didn't really believe it, because I am a masculine guy. But yesterday I was crystal clear to my mom that "I am homosexual". I didn't allow her to deny that. Dad: I talked about the way he never deals with difficult stuff. I also talked about soccer and how sometimes the players who do the most for the team are not valued by the fans. I gave an example of a midfield that played for São Paulo Futebol Clube in 2005 called Danilo. Here is Danilo in the semi-final of the 2005 FIFA Club World Cup against Al-Ittihad The fans hated him, because he was very slow. But he was essential to the team, as he was very constant and decisive. By the way, we won that year. The final was against Liverpool. Here's Rogerio Ceni (our captain) greeting Steven Gerrard, lol: So, in a nutshell, my dad is comparable to Danilo. He is a very important player but very underrated. I didn't really talk about my sexuality with my dad today. We talked more about my psychiatrist And my dad probably already knows that I am gay (I told my step-mom last week). I am waiting for the right time to look him straight in the eye and say: This is an important thing. I will probably do it after this 30-day "challenge" ends. So probably at the end of June. >> I used Quetiapine 2x extra times. I contacted my psychiatrist, and he told me that was ok, because I had two difficult conversations. Day 3 [5-26-2019] 6:00 AM > I woke up at 4:30 AM. I wanted to use rapé (shamanic snuff), but I negotiated with myself. First I would have something to eat. Then, I took a shower. And now I am writing here. It's 6:00 AM right now. After I am done here, I will probably use some rapé, then go to the market to buy some bread. I want to use it maximum 5 times. >> I already took quetiapine and venlafaxine (antidepressant). So, I need to take quetiapine 3 more times (10:30 AM and 4:30 PM, and at 8 PM) >> I woke up feeling achy. I will probably take pregabalin (Lyrica). I want to see if it works. Or maybe I will use miozan. I don't know. >> I am kinda sleepy. Thanks for reading! And remember: mental illness is not a joke! Seek professional help! You deserve to be happy!

Keeping Track Of Shamanic Snuff, New Medication & Rogaine [30 days] This powder is useful for focusing the mind, and it also helps me evacuate. I think this is the only psychoactive that I can use safely. It gives no paranoia, unlike marijuana and ayahuasca. Problem is, I have to be careful with how many times a day I use. It has nicotine, so it can be addictive. The ideal is 3 times a day, and the maximum is 10 times a day. More than that, it’s becomes very dangerous for my mental health. Day 1 (5-23-2019) I used only one time. It was in the evening. I couldn’t poop, so I applied some of it to help me out with that. I was scared of freaking out, because I have been very emotionally fragile lately. Day 2 (5-24-2019) Today I woke up at 4:00 AM, and I already used it 3 times. First when I woke up. Then the other two to help me poop. I am about to use another time. But I don’t want to go beyond 6 or 7 times today. So, I can use at 10 AM, 3 PM, and 8 PM. I will post it here by the end of the day, how many times I used. New Medication - Antipsychotic I started a new medication. It’s an anti-psychotic called Quetiapine. I take 25 mg 3 times a day, and 100 mg before going to bed. It’s a great medication because it calms my psychotic thoughts, and it helps me fall asleep. Ideally I should use at: 10 AM - 25mg 2 PM - 25mg 5 PM - 25mg 8 PM - 100mg Because I woke up at 4 AM, I already took 2 pills out of the 4. I am sleepy, so I will have a coffee soon. I am curious to see how this new medication will interact with rapé. I will keep track of those for 30 days, that is, until June 22nd (Saturday). Minoxidil I am also thinking of start using minoxidil for hair loss. Maybe it's not the right time to do so. But anyway, I should use it 2x a day. I tried last year, but I didn't stick with it, because my depression treatment is way more important. Maybe I should start using it in July. Have a great day, all! ---- Hi, thanks for the compliment! DId you self-diagonosed with bipolar disorder? Or was it a psychiatrist? Feel free to reply here, or send me private messages

Things to write about: - Experiment - Using Rapé Only 3x A Day for 30 days - Overcoming My Biggest Trauma: My Parent's Divorce @Iiris @Nahm @Zigzag Idiot I will write about these topics tomorrow. I think you guys are going to enjoy reading them

is it so hard to admit that you were wrong? This is what kindergartens are expected to learn. @Leo Gura Aren't you going to reply @Gabriel Antonio? I think your followers at least deserve a reply. He was very provocative to you and your teachings.

Sooooo??? How did it go? https://ladnow.com/congratulations-meme/

I keep forgetting if I took my meds or not. So I will post here how many of Venlafaxin I got left: 10

5-12-2019 - Sunday (Yesterday) My LIttle Step-Brother Upbringing Today I went to my dad’s house. I get emotionally triggered by the way they raise my little step-brother. They are too authoritarian. I want to speak up, but I also don’t want war. I fear of giving in to anger and act out and do something that I will regret afterwards. There’s too much war in the world already. And, as the Buddha said, “hatred never ceases by hatred but by love alone is healed.” I used to be very passive with the way they treat my little brother. I would not speak up. And that was mainly because I had depression almost all the time (combined with social anxiety). At a certain point, I was highly provocative and verbally aggressive with them. I was acting out of anger. And this did not help at all. In fact, it only did harm. Both extremes are not good. I want to find a middle ground, where I can defend my little brother from the emotional abuse he experiences, while not being verbally aggressive with my dad and his wife. I have to understand that there is a hierarchy. The authority is my dad and his wife. No question about that. If I want to fight against the hierarchy, this will not work. In the presence of my brother, I have to be in my dad’s side. I have to tell him things such as “be an obedient boy”. Obviously, I will not be authoritative, I can do so in a loving way. Talking With Dad About Psychiatrist (Finally!!! ) I am glad I talked with my dad about how I don’t like my psychiatrist. I was able to be very convincing. Even though I was nervous as I was talking, I think I did it quite well. I am proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone in an organic way. I am grateful that this happened. It was in no way neurotic, such as: Fortunately, courage bubbled up naturally, and it happened. Mother’s Day Today was Mother’s Day, and I was feeling very happy and excited. I like when I am in a good mood. But, again, because I didn’t sleep well, I was very prone to getting irritated and euphoric. And both of these feelings are very toxic. They are part of life, but I have to remind myself that I should be in charge of anger and euphoria -- not the other way around. I didn’t sleep a lot today. When that happens, I get worried about getting into silly arguments. I must remind myself that “This too shall pass. When you don't sleep well, you get irritated.” This way, I don’t do stupid shit. Not sleeping much also makes me fear I might jump from depression (too much sleep) to euphoria (too little sleep) Tomorrow I will work on the translation project, and I will call the mattress company to see if they have accepted refunding the mattress. It’s really annoying to sleep at my mom’s room. She’s sleeping at mine. I’m so grateful that she has accepted sleeping in my room, while I don’t have a mattress that’s comfortable. I hope to find one soon! My mom rocks, seriously! She’s very supportive and selfless. I am also really grateful that depression was not present today. I hope it doesn’t come back soon. When depression is present, the world seems to suck. Nothing is pleasant. All I can see is the ocean of tears of the world. But, right now, because I am in an apparently healthy mood, I can see that life contains positive and negative things. And the negative things are bearable. The suffering I experience with depression is NOT bearable. That’s why I numb out. The pain is too difficult to bear. But I have to be open to the possibility that I am hypomaniac. Yes, I am pretty sure I am. Here's from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypomania Deleting Cringey Facebook Posts I deleted some old facebook posts yesterday. It was very emotionally challenging. But I did it. I was able to see how much I have progressed in two years. Back then, I was EXTREMELY lost. And now I do have my low days, but I feel more healthy. I backslide sometimes into neuroticism, but it usually goes away quickly. Speech Therapist I also need to go to a speech therapist. However, it’s crystal-clear to me how treating my mental healthy is my number 1 priority. If I don’t get it handled, nothing else matters. I can go to the best speech therapist in the world, but it will not work. It saddens me how psychiatry has such a bad reputation. Some people demonize it like this: Well, the overwhelming majority of psychiatrists are indeed shitty, and there’s a dark side to the industry. But it’s a necessary evil. If it weren’t an industry, there would be no investment in research. I am grateful that I live in today’s world. - Author of the book “An Unquiet Mind” Fake Optimism? I feel optimistic. The path to dealing with depression seems to not be as difficult as I thought. It’s actually pretty simple. Sometimes simple things are harder than complicated things. And I fear I might be in just a euphoric episode, and I am just deluded with positivity. Right now, I am very tired. I took a painkiller (with muscular relaxation component). And I also took an antialergic that helps me fall asleep. Too many pills, goddamn! That’s it for today. Thanks for reading! Have a great week!

Beating Myself Up Yesterday it became very clear how forcing myself to do stuff, while I'm depressed, not only doesn't help me, but it harms me. Towards the end of the day, depression dissapeared. It's so crazy how depression kicks in out of nowhere, and out of nowhere it goes away. It's not something I can rush. I think the best thing to do is doing nothing. Preserving myself and not caring about self-shaming thoughts, such as: "You're eating too much! You're going to get as fat as a whale" "If you don't take action, you'll be depressed forever" "Dude, you're such a horrible human being for not wanting to see your friends! Go socialize!" What Neurotic Action Does To A Depressed Person After depression went away, I realized how all the excessive exercising and working that I had done to desperately try to change my state of mind only harmed me. It did not help at all. I was feeling a lot of pain in my body. I'm glad I didn't force myself too much, because the I could have gotten an injury or something. And some people are in that mindset of "taking action" for years, and when they burn out, it's really intense and traumatic. I'm glad I burn out quickly. Hehe... When depression is not there, everything seems easier and doable. Sure, there are negative things about my life and the world, but they do not get so overwhelming. I have to understand that depression is a mental illness. Telling myself to take action is just like telling someone who has the flu something like, "Oh... don't stay in bed. Take action, man! Don't be such a lazy spoiled brat." No, no, no. Exactly the opposite: rest is needed. While I was taking too much action, I was observing myself and could see how I had tried doing that in the past, and failed miserably. I think it's natural to make mistakes, and to even repeat mistakes. But at least, the degree of the mistakes I am making is lessening. The Cause For My Euphoric Episodes Another insight I got is that maybe my maniac episodes (euphoric) were probably all self-inflicted. They happen when I am low in energy and I do not accept that, and try to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Then, I force myself to take desesperate action. Eventually, I go from depression to the other extreme. In my experience, euphoria is much worse than depression, because overwhelming amount of energy can make me feel very irritable and neurotic. So I end up harming people that I like & my body (for overusing it). That being said, staying bed all day is indeed harmful, but it's not as bad as doing neurotic action. That insight was a relief, because I really don't want to take lithium, which is the most common medication for bipolar disorder. I hope my insight is accurate. Depression alone is enough. Hehe... Changing Psychiatrist I will probably see my dad tomorrow, and I will try to tell him how I honestly feel about my psychiatrist. I feel he treats me like a retard, as if I was 4 years old. I do NOT need someone to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. He's very insensitive, and I don't feel a heart-to-heart connection with him. Because he scolds me so much, and that makes me not want to open up to him. ?