kag101

Thank you! Unfortunately I don't live in the US, but I will take action to return the crappy mattress I got. And I have found a supposedly good store here called AmericanFlex. It's a little bit expensive, but I think it's worth it. A good mattress is pivotal for living an awesome life.

Day 13 [6-4-2019] I went to my psychiatrist today with my mom. It was a very productive conversation. I can clearly see what depression is. I know how it feels in the body. And the medication I am taking is preventing it to happen. All the years I spent studying about Personal Development were useless in a way, because I had depression. And depression makes it impossible for any progress to happen. I used to think medication was "bad". I thought it didn't work. But it does. I took a nap and woke up feeling much better, but my neck and shoulders were really tensed up. I feel a little bit fat, but that's okay. I know I will sooner or later get back to my natural body shape. I feel very attractive lately. I feel like I am glowing. And it's not something I have to think about. I think this has a lot to do with coming out as gay. Not that I will get lost in this label, but just the fact that I have said to the world that I am into guys feels so liberating. I have a consultation with my psychologist on Friday. I think it will be a very good conversation. I know she can help me heal the trauma of my parents' divorce. I contacted my old keyboard teacher, and I think I will have classes with him again. I want to take my car's license by September. Nothing seems to be impossible. I am not on cloud nine, thinking I am invincible or something. It's just a realization that with the right help, I can achieve incredible results in my life, and impact the world positively. I have been talking with a guy who lives relatively close to me. It's very easy to talk with him. And I'd date him. But I am trying not have so much expectation. But I hope to meet him soon. He's pretty and easy-going. "Grief comes and goes, but depression is unremitting" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it, an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I wish I could explain it so someone could understand it. I'm afraid it's something I can't put into words. There's just this heavy, overwhelming despair - dreading everything. Dreading life. Empty inside, to the point of numbness. It's like there's something already dead inside. My whole being has been pulling back into that void for months. (81)" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "When people are suicidal, their thinking is paralyzed, their options appear spare or nonexistent, their mood is despairing, and hopelessness permeates their entire mental domain. The future cannot be separated from the present, and the present is painful beyond solace. ‘This is my last experiment,’ wrote a young chemist in his suicide note. ‘If there is any eternal torment worse than mine I’ll have to be shown." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I am tired of hiding, tired of misspent and knotted energies, tired of the hypocrisy, and tired of acting as though I have something to hide." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "Anybody who's had to contend with mental illness - whether it's depression, bipolar illness or severe anxiety, whatever - actually has a fair amount of resilience in the sense that they've had to deal with suffering already, personal suffering." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. ... You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're 'not at all like yourself but will be soon,' but you know you won't." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "Far too many doctors-many of them excellent physicians-commit suicide each year; one recent study concluded that, until quite recently, the United States lost annually the equivalent of a medium-sized medical school class from suicide alone. Most physician suicides are due to depression or manic-depressive illness, both of which are eminently treatable. Physicians, unfortunately, not only suffer from a higher rate of mood disorders than the general population, they also have a greater access to very effective means of suicide." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I think that when you're depressed, you can't concentrate long enough and well enough to read for the most part; some people can, but by and large people - that's one of the first things that goes, is the capacity to read meaningful literature. With grief, that's not true. For a while you can't read, but then you really are amenable to solace." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "The awareness of the damage done by severe mental illness—to the individual himself and to others—and fears that it may return again play a decisive role in many suicides" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "Others would say to me, 'It is only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it,' but of course they had no idea how I felt, although they were certain that they did. Over and over and over I would say to myself, If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I have had manic-depressive illness, also known as bipolar disorder, since I was 18 years old. It is an illness that ensures that those who have it will experience a frightening, chaotic and emotional ride. It is not a gentle or easy disease." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I think wanting to write is a fundamental sign of disease and discomfort. I don't think people who are comfortable want to write." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "It is tempting when looking at the life of anyone who has committed suicide to read into the decision to die a vastly complex web of reasons; and, of course, such complexity is warranted. No one illness or event causes suicide; and certainly no one knows all, or perhaps even most, of the motivations behind the killing of the self. But psychopathology is almost always there, and its deadliness is fierce. Love, success, and friendship are not always enough to counter the pain and destructiveness of severe mental illness" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "No pill can help me deal with the problem of not wanting to take pills; likewise, no amount of psychotherapy alone can prevent my manias and depressions. I need both. It is an odd thing, owing life to pills, one's own quirks and tenacities, and this unique, strange, and ultimately profound relationship called psychotherapy" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "Every seventeen minutes in America, someone commits suicide. Mostly, I have been impressed by how little value our society puts on saving the lives of those who are in such despair as to want to end them. It is a societal illusion that suicide is rare. It is not." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "One of things so bad about depression and bipolar disorder is that if you don't have prior awareness, you don't have any idea what hit you." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I remember sitting in his office a hundred times during those grim months and each time thinking, 'What on earth can he say that will make me feel better or keep me alive?' Well, there never was anything he could say, that's the funny thing. It was all the stupid, desperately optimistic, condescending things he didn't say that kept me alive; all the compassion and warmth I felt from him that could not have been said; all the intelligence, competence, and time he put into it; and his granite belief that mine was a life worth living." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison "I decided early in graduate school that I needed to do something about my moods. It quickly came down to a choice between seeing a psychiatrist or buying a horse. Since almost everyone I knew was seeing a psychiatrist, and since I had an absolute belief that I should be able to handle my own problems, I naturally bought a horse." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

Nice quote! Thanks for sharing! I am very into Lucid Dreaming (aka Dream Yoga). And similarly to spiritual enlightenment, you're either aware that you're in a dream, or you're not. And the fact that you had a brief moment of lucidity does not mean you're immune to the infinite tricks the mind does to convince you that what you're experiencing is reality, and not a dream. In fact, when I was actively practicing lucid dreaming, I was more and more prone to having these false moments of being lucid. I would try to "grasp" awareness using will-force. That does not work. Truth is, if you're lucid, you can cut through all the lies the mind tells you and you can engage in Awareness. Oh, and btw, I do not think the external world is a dream. I think that's a very unhealthy belief. Anyway, I prefer the word "awake" or "lucid". The word "enlightenment" implies as if the person is the "chosen one". This is nonsense. We are all Buddhas. Moreover, it gives the false impression that it is an extraordinary/ecstatic experience, as if it's an psychedelic altered state of consciousness. Not at all, it's something incredibly simple and even obvious. It's as if Truth was always bellow our nose, but we never noticed it. And instead we have been searching incessantly outwardly. I beg your pardon, but who are you to say that Osho was a zen devil? Do you have any evidence whatsoever that this is the case? Let me guess: you've watched the documentary on Netflix, and now you think Osho has been somehow debunked/exposed. The Dalai Lama himself said Osho was an enlightened master. I do find some of his teachings a bit extremists and too masculine-oriented, but you can tell that the guy has got it... Read his biography. It's really worth it! Dude, quit that bullshit. You have not transcended the ego. You're still in denial. You ARE the ego/devil/etc. And don't judge that as a negative thing. By default, we are all egoistical. If that weren't the case, we'd all be dead. Omg! This is the epitome of mental masturbation.

Of course there are! Pain has its purpose. A lot of people in spiritual circles put themselves into highly unpleasant situations. That doesn't make them more evolved; that simply numbs them. Osho talks a lot about this. Check this out: https://www.osho.com/osho-online-library/osho-talks/witnessing-pleasures-asceticism-d4888f7c-1a0?p=de16dcddabccddd65d854147b086b485

Day 11 [6-2-2019] I forgot to write here yesterday. Everything went fine. I have been taking very powerful naps lately. This medication is giving me a wonderful and restful sleep. I never thought I had sleep problems, but after taking this medication, now I see how bad my sleep quality was. Day 12 [6-3-2019] I woke up early (7:10 am). My neck and shoulders were stiff and aching, probably because of the bed I am sleeping in. I went see my dad and give his birthday presents. We went to a place called Fogo de Chao. It's delicious. I ate so much, lol. Blocking Guilt & Neurosis I felt a little bit guilty for eating too much and I felt "fat". But then I neutralized those thoughts, by saying to myself: "It's okay. You're not going to get obese just because you overate today. You will sooner or later get back to your healthy and natural body weight." #1 Mistake People Make Self-Development One of the most common mistake people do in self-development is trying to change too many things at once. This does not work. I have to focus on changing one thing at a time. Just the fact that I am taking my medication correctly is enough. In fact, this 30-day challenge is exactly for that: to take my medication correctly, and to reduce my usage of rapé to 3x a day. Which Present I Got For My Dad I got my dad a San Francisco tourist book. I wrote a few things on the front cover, basically thanking him for encouraging me to live in SF when I was 17. I asked my sister to write "Happy 50th Birthday!" with a stylized letter. It was nice giving him a present. It feels good iPhone 7 Oh, and my dad gave it to me an iPhone 7. That's pretty cool, because my 5s is pretty outdated. This new one has 32gb, which is not a lot but it is the double of my older one. I am having trouble using my iCloud backup, but I want to get it done by the next Saturday (6-9-2019( Playing With And Walking My Dog I played throwing the ball with my dog for about 30 minutes today. It was pretty fun. When I was depressed, I couldn't feel any pleasure whatsoever in doing things like that. I am using a stick to discipline him sometimes, but I find that giving him positive reinforcements is more effective. But both of them can be used. I'd say: I also walked him. I realized that I need to keep him close to me so that I can prevent him from attacking people and other dogs. I have to show him that I am in command. "The mind is a great servant, but a terrible master." -- Osho Harm-Reduction -- A Realistic Approach To Life I have been thinking a lot about how harm-reduction is important. For example, I was overeating in the evening. If I was aiming for being eating perfectly healthy, I'd guilt myself for indulging. But then, I simply asked myself, "What can I do to minimize the damage?" Then, I pre-determined how much I was going to eat. Not too little, not too much. This is called setting realistic expectations Other information >> I found a "alpha" friend on Tinder. I was pretty surprised, because I didn't think he was into guys. >> I took a 2-hour nap today. I needed to sleep. I was going insane. I was very agitated. >> My hair is shredding. I have started to use some products for my hair. It is pretty soft right now. I don't want to use minoxidil (a product to make the hair grow again), because it makes my hair look greasy =( Thanks for reading =)

Yes, I did it. I didn't POV'd for one and a half year. From Jan 2016 - May 2017. I have been studying sexuality for more than ten years. I have read various books on this topic, ranging from Jelqing to Karmamudrā. So, no, I am not ignorant on this subject. Am I really the one who is being petty and ridiculous? I merely expressed what I truly think about celibacy as a way to improve one's life. As I mentioned above, I did NoFap for more than a year. And my experience was negative. Long story short, a tube that is not used stops working. What? How can you claim that I am being "insincere"? In my opinion, I am not only being sincere, but also vulnerable. It's very emotionally challenging to disagree with people who are in a "self-help" bubble online, such as the NoFap Community. I have read hundreds of reports of people who have done it, and have acquired "superpowers". And to me, it's nothing but buffoonery. I am planning on writing a detailed topic about my experience with NoFap. I don't want to write too much here on @SQAAD's personal journal. Sorry about that!

Did you seek professional help for this? It is extremely hard to overcome addiction by yourself. As Dr Gabor Maté emphasizes, in order to overcome addiction, we need a compassionate presence with us so that we can get in touch with the emotional pain we never were strong enough to face it. Are you absolutely sure you are not sure? Lol Yes, the person can get into victim-mentality of like, "Omg... My dad yelled at me when I was 6 in front of all the family... I will never stop using crack, because of what he did to me! I was only a poor child!" Sure, the suffering and emotional pain should always be validated, but sometimes we have to let it go. Here's an interesting quote from Gabor Maté I just found:

Day 10 [6-01-2019] Once again, I didn't sleep well. I woke up at 7:10 AM, and I'd had 5 hours of sleep. Then, I took a nap between 6 pm - 8 pm. It was very restful. Took my meds correctly. I was having a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders, probably because of the position I slept on. I took a painkiller (that has a component that relaxes the muscle, also). I started to read about harm-reduction when using drugs. Very interesting concept! And it can be applied to many different areas in life. I feel truly stable. Now I understand and completely acknowledge that I need medication. Otherwise, I will freak the fuck out once again.

Omg, why do you want to do that? Do you really believe you'll become more masculine, just because you stopped ... wait for it... having sex??? This is ludicrous.

Dude, let me be very clear of what is happening with you: you are abusing psychedelics and spiritual practices! That's for sure! If you don't stop all of that soon, you'll be in for a rude awakening when you find yourself at a mental asylum. Psychedelics are not hard drugs, but they are still hallucinogenics. If you take them too much combined with too much meditation, you'll freak out sooner or later. Be responsible! If you're going to take psychedelics, at least take them responsibly!

Exactly! In fact, a no-self experience is not that rare, actually. Almost anyone can have one by using, for example, psychedelics (responsibly, of course). Mystical experience = Enlightenment experience = No-self experience = Samadhi = Sattori = Metanoia = Kundalini = Existential Epiphany One of my favorite books on the spiritual Path is called, "After The Ecstasy, The Laundry," by Jack Kornfield. He talked with various spiritual people who had enlightenment experiences. In one case, a guy had a full-blown enlightenment experience for two months; then, 1 year later, he crashed into a crippling depression. A lot of people can stuck in the no-self insight. But that alone won't fix our "material problems". That's why therapy is so important. With a good psychologist, we can better understand the mechanics of our shadow. If we don't do that, we might become like Bentinho Massaro. A guy who has had some insight on the True Self, but he hasn't do any shadow work. So his enlightenment is incomplete. Using @Leo Gura's term, Bentinho Massaro is a "zen devil".

Day 9 [5-31-2019] >> Once again, I woke up due to the noise of the construction. It pisses me off that they make A LOT of noise at 7 am, but after 11 am, it is very silent. I am like, WTF? They don't give a shit about other people who live close by. Ugh! >> My new med (Quetiapine) is helping me a lot regulate my sleep. It gives me a very natural and restful night of sleep >> I used rapé about 8 or 9 times. It is definitely too much. But my goal is to use it 3x a day after the 30-day-challenge is over. I am still on day 9, so I got time. >> I have been using saline to clear my nose. I didn't know it had so many health benefits. >> I have some pain in my body. The weather where I live is changing a lot recently. Like, one day is hot. The other is cold. Then the other one is rainy and cloudy. So, it is very easy to catch a cold. I am using Tylenol to help me not catch a cold and to alleviate my muscular tension... >> I had allergy for the first time as far as I can remember. It's a very annoying thing. I took Promethazine for that. I used to take this medicine a few months ago to help me fall asleep. It's an anti-allergic that the most common side effect is for the person to get sleepy. >> I want to go to my friend's house today. I am just worried that I will get sleepy very soon. It's 9:39 PM right now. And at 10 PM, I should take 150 mg of Quetiapine. And this med makes me VERY sleepy. Also combined with Promethazine, I will likely fall asleep very soon. I don't know... maybe I will stay at home. Haha, if it were a year ago, I would already be at my friend's lol. I was so neurotic about "going out", especially on Fridays, where I had this idea that "I need to go out. I can't stay at my house. I need to 'live life'". I guess I can take 1 pill right now (50 mg), then the other in another hour (50 mg), and the last one when I get home (50 mg). I think it's okay to do that. I plan to arrive at my friends' at 10:20 PM and maybe stay there till midnight. I will very likely go there, because I also need to go to the pharmacy to buy an ointment for some dyshidrosis that I have on my feet. >> Oh, and by the way, dyshidrosis, is a type of dermatitis, that is characterized by itchy blisters on the palms of the hands and bottoms of the feet. Thanks for reading

I think these are very unhealthy beliefs. Depressed people think things like that. And that's why they don't shower, either don't eat or eat junk food, and this complete lack of meaning and negative nihilism motivates them to commit suicide. You are misunderstanding what meaninglessness, and the "emptiness" that the Buddha talked about are... it seems as though you're giving it a negative connotation. But it is neutral. ??????? I highly recommend you try to find a good psychologist and a good psychiatrist so that you can check with a professional how both your psychology and how your mental health are. Many people graduate in psychology or psychiatry because they are not humble enough to go to one themselves. It takes a lot of humility to admit to yourself that you need professional help. The ego things it can solve everything by itself. for example, I myself got into psychology at college because subconsciously I didn't want to go to therapy. I wanted to heal myself by myself. FYI: do not fall into the trap of demonizing your ego. A sense of self (aka ego) is necessary for our survival. If it wasn't for the ego, you would jump off of a cliff, for instance. Just keep in mind that we are all inter-dependent. Like it or not, we need others. If you're interested in reading more about my healing journey, check out my personal journal here on the forum. It is called "Keeping track of my depression". Best of luck! ?

Day 8 [5-30-2019] Bad Sleep & Mood Once again, I didn't sleep well. The construction workers don't give a damn about other people. They make a lot of noise at 7 AM. They talk loudly, and they hammer a lot. Ugh... But anyway, I was glad I woke up early because I could wish my sister a good American Work Visa interview. Fortunately, she passed. I was in a bad mood pretty much all day. I was running around all day. I was able to go to the market and be very straightforward into buying the things I really needed. I made a list. I used colors and symbols, because this helps the brain to remember it. I am glad I went to the workshop on Mind Mapping in 2008. Being More Rigid Is Not The Answer; Medication Is I have always thought that I needed more rigidity, more discipline. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I already am very disciplined and organized. Strangely enough, I am a Virgo, with my ascendent in Scorpio. But anyway, now that the medication is kicking in I can see how much I was under depression's control. Not to demonize it, but let's be clear: it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. You can solve it through thinking, meditation, sports, etc. Medication is needed. I used to fear a lot on the side effects of antidepressants. But the real problem is caused not by the meds, but by depression. At 17, I began to lose my hair, got gray hair, was feeling pain throughout my body, had low energy, couldn't think fast, etc. I am so fucking grateful that I started psychiatric treatment. Yes, my psychiatrist isn't the best. Far from that, he's pretty mediocre. But I have found one who is likely the highest authority in Ayahuasca, called Dr. Wilson Gonzaga da Costa. I don't plan on drinking the tea again, but I think this guy has a more holistic approach to healing. Coming Out As Gay I want to finish the cycle with the psychiatrist I am currently with. I think I will probably still go to 3-5 consultations with him. I am coming out as homosexual, and he is helping me with that. He himself is gay, and he is very well-resolved. So he can help me out with that. I was able to be authentic with him for the first time 2-3 weeks ago. I had started to take a medication called Zetron, that made me go very energetic. I am glad I finally talked wholeheartedly with my dad, mom, sister, and step-mom about how I truly felt about my dad's divorce. I got into some pretty unpleasant conflicts with each of them, but I think they were all necessary. For too long I repressed my voice, and it was time to give my inner child permission to express its emotions. I didn't realize how important coming out is. It's life-changing. Here are some tips: http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/process-coming-out Productive Conversations & The Phase I Am In Right Now I had a very productive conversation with my dad today, also. I want to go to a psychologist I went 3 years ago. She saw how worse off I was, and she is very sensitive. So I know it will be a meaningful conversation. Her name is Emilia. A former student contacted me to give her English classes. She will be going to Chicago in a month, and I am going to do some research to see if I can really help her. Getting some money right now would be a really good thing! But I don' t want to bite more than I can chew. I got to take it easy; one step at a time. Otherwise, I will burn out. I know this may seem like a placebo, but I feel protected with my medication. I know that if I am too agitated, anxious, etc.; I can contact a psychiatrist. I do not need, nor can I solve depression by myself. I need professional and qualified help. A very close friend of mine is likely depressed. I worry about him, because he is very resistant to starting a psychiatric treatment. But either way, I need to focus on myself alone. I am the one who needs loving-attention. Speaking of which, I am training my big dog some tricks. I use a lot of treats so I can convince him to do what I want. And it works. It's a fun experience. I am in a moment of my life of integration. Over the past 11 years, I have studied many, many things. And they were all buried in my subconscious mind, because I didn't have vital energy to act on it. And if I did force myself to act, it was a crappy action. Sure, I can go through the motions and build momentum, but most of the times no amount of will-power can help, as I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Other Information >> I used rape about 8 or 9 times. But it was mainly to help me poop. I am a little aversed to the smell of shamanic snuffs. I think I will stop using it in the next 3 months (8-31-2019) >> I took my last dosage of Quetiapine 2 hours go, so I am really sleepy right now. This is one of the medications that sedates the person the most. And it gives a very restful sleep. I just hope the construction workers don't make a lot of noise... I will use the ear plug, but oftentimes this is not enough... =/ >> I masturbated twice today. Almost in-a-row. That's very uncommon to me, and it felt really nice and relaxing. I am glad I got nice erections, and the orgasms were satisfying What to do tomorrow (5-31-2019): >> Take pictures of my sofa, and sent to the couch repair guy. >> Schedule a session with my psychologist Emilia. >> Read: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/addiction-in-society/201112/the-seductive-dangerous-allure-gabor-mat (@Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj, I remember you shared some stuff about Dr Garbor Mate on your journal, so I thought this article might interest you ) Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave a comment

OF COURSE NOT! Read above to see what I really meant. I should've written "some mothers". I thought that was implicit, but apparently it was not ? Honestly, I don't understand your point. But, anyway, this reminds me of something very common among bad spiritual teachers, which is the belief that, "I can be an asshole with you, because it is all part of God's plan. You' re still not advanced enough to understand this." Let me explain what I mean: A crappy spiritual teacher could say that him killing his dog is actually an act of unconditional love, because there is no doer-ship, and everything he does comes directly from Source. In other words, if you think things like: Then you can say that raping, torturing, and then killing your dog would be an expression of Absolute Infinity, God, Divine Love, etc. Pretty messed up thought, huh? By the way, writing about this reminds me of one of the worst spiritual teachers I have ever seen being 11 years on the Path. It's a guy that has a cult in Sedona called Bentinho Massaro. He's really cringey. Here's an excerpt from the excellent article on gurumag.com, Tech Bro Guru: Inside the Sedona Cult of Bentinho Massaro: Anyway, I know I went a little bit off-topic, but I thought it would be a interesting to share the above with you guys...

I am not talking about all mothers, for Christ's sake! I thought that was obvious! In fact, unconditional love is just an ideal. Nobody can fully embody it, even the most "enlightened" mother. For example, Mother Theresa tried to be embody Feminine Compassion, unconditional love for all beings, etc. But, hey, she wasn't the Buddha, Krishna, Virgen Mary, or any religious archetypes. She was a human being. And humans are not perfect. As a consequence of trying to be 100% altruistic, Mother Theresa ended up dying due to a disease she got from the ill people she was helping. Of course this is a myth. Again, I am not talking about all mothers. But, anyway, the closest thing to unconditional love and acceptance I have observed in real life is the loving-acceptance some mothers have with their children. My mom, for example, is extremely accepting. She is so resigned that she appears to be passive.

What? The closest thing to unconditional love that actually exists in real life is the love and acceptance mothers have for their children.

Day 7 [5-29-2019] Today I woke up in a bad mood. My mouth was dry; the construction workers next to my house were making a lot of noise by talking and by hammering; and I only slept for 4 hours. Because depression was not there, I was able to "take a sad song and make it better." I took a warm shower. I was easy on my self. That made me feel much better. Then, at about noon, I took a 2-hour nap. Sleep is essential for my well-being and mental health. I had low energy today, but I was still able to have a good day, with no neurosis. >> I have had heartburn lately. I will use sodium bicarbonate to help with that. >> I was able to start organizing my pictures. And I want to figure out how to use google photos and how to backup my WhatsApp conversations. MY DOGS I walked my smaller dog with my mom. And I played a lot with my bigger dog. He is very loyal, and he teaches me a lot about trust. I am training him, and it's been a fun experience. He's improving a lot. For example, he is now able to let go of his ball. LETTING GO OF PEOPLE WHO NO LONGER SERVE ME First of all, I am gay. I let go of some guys I was chatting with that were only make me lose my energy. And I also silenced a bunch of people on Instagram. GRATITUDE FOR MY MEDICATION - QUETIAPINE I took my medicine correctly, and I overused rapé. I probably took it about 10 times today. It is a lot and counterproductive. I should aim to use it no more than 5 times a day. My nose is starting to get affected by it. It does help me go to the toilet though. It's a relief to poop. But anyway, I am really grateful to have found this great medication I am using (Quetiapine). It helps calm down my anxiety, and kick out depression. I feel rejuvenated. For the first in years, I feel I am really my age. I always felt like I was older than my real age. But lately, I feel like I am really 22. I am a young adult who is full of vitality and is somewhat anxious sometimes. Yes, I do fear having a depressive, euphoric, or paranoid episode. But I know that if I do, there will be good doctors that I can contact to help me regain my emotional balance. Oh, and I found a really good psychiatrist called Dr Walmor. He lives in the Amazon, and he is a specialist in Ayahuasca. I might do an online consultation with him. I am more and more organized. After the new medication kicked in, I naturally want to be more organized. It's something organic. WORK A former English student contacted me. I am so much more ready to give classes nowadays. She is going to travel to Chicago in July. I asked her to sent me through email each and every place she will be visiting. If she doesn't send me this email, then I will not accept the class. I also want to contact a client who is very rude and dry, but the job she asked me to do is very pleasant. It is a translation of a how-to video. But honestly, I don't feel like contacting her. She's stupid and reckless with other people. But anyway, I will try to figure that out. I know that being neurotic about making money is not a good strategy. INTRODUCING YOU GUYS TO KAY REDFIELD If you're suffering from depression, suicidal ideation, psychosis; keep in mind that there is hope. You just have to find a good psychiatrist so that you can start taking the right medication for you. Here's a quote bu Kay Redfield, one of the most influential psychiatrists in Bipolar Disorder, writer of the bestselling book "An Unquiet Mind": And remember: things will not figure themselves out. Your brain is ill. And medication is needed: Thank you for reading! Leave a comment if you want, or a private message :-) All the best to you all, and seek professional and qualified help! Cheers from Brazil ✌

@AlwaysBeNice Are you a troll or something??? Jack Kornfield is one of the pioneers in mindfulness and vipassana in the West. He holds a PhD in Psychology and has helped thousands and thousands of people worldwide.

Unconditional love for all beings is an utopia. In reality, unconditional love only happens with mothers and their offspring. Otherwise, the world would eat you alive. Just like they did with Jesus...

Now, let's see if you'll be able to integrate this "enlightenment" experience into your daily life

Hands down, Jack Kornfield. "Jack Kornfield trained as a Buddhist monk in the monasteries of Thailand, India and Burma. He has taught meditation internationally since 1974 and is one of the key teachers to introduce Buddhist mindfulness practice to the West. After graduating from Dartmouth College in Asian Studies in 1967 he joined the Peace Corps and worked on tropical medicine teams in the Mekong River valley. He met and studied as a monk under the Buddhist master Ven. Ajahn Chah, as well as the Ven. Mahasi Sayadaw of Burma. Returning to the United States, Jack co-founded the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts, with fellow meditation teachers Sharon Salzberg and Joseph Goldstein and the Spirit Rock Center in Woodacre, California. Over the years, Jack has taught in centers and universities worldwide, led International Buddhist Teacher meetings, and worked with many of the great teachers of our time. He holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is a father, husband and activist." More at: https://jackkornfield.com/bio/

Day 6 [5-28-2019] It's 1:38 am (5-29) right now. >> I woke up at around 8:30 am today. I think I woke up due to the construction site nearby. Even though I use ear plugs, the sound of the hammer still wakes me up. >> I started to get irritated as the hours pass by. But I realized today that my anger is totally justifiable. We live in a f-up world, because: I am in a moment of my life that I am going back a few stages, and mastering spiral dynamics stage red. It's a self-affirmation type of thing, of learning how to say "No!", to protect my ego (aka inner child). If I want to transcend the ego, first I need to develop a healthy one. But I do recognize that I need medication, at least for now. I carry too much rage inside me. And if I don't have my pills daily, I freak out and start to think the world is against me. But truth is, the world doesn't give a fuck about me. And that is liberating. =) MY DOG PASSED AWAY -- HERE'S WHAT I LEARNT WITH THIS EXPERIENCE I went with my mom to the vet to see if the liver tumor my dog Josh had could be solved with surgery. It was a high risk one, and unfortunately he passed away. This was the first time in my life that I experienced death with a being that I liked. Interesting facts: 1- He passed away two weeks after I finally broke the silence with my dad, and told him about how I truly felt. 2- My parents separated when I was 8. And Josh was 8. 3- If I was a new-ager, i would say that my dog had picked up the energetic imbalance in the field, and he was a martyr because thanks to him the tumor didn't go to me, but to him. It was HUGE. Like 6 inches, and he was a small dog (ilhasa apso). DEPRESSION VS GRIEF - WHAT IS TOUGHER? I haven't had a depressive mood in about a month. I think this has never happened in my life. It's funny how I used to think psychiatric medication didn't work, that it was only a way for the pharmaceutical industry to make money off of people. But they do work. I think I have finally found the right med for me. It's called Quetiapine. It works with depression, bipolar disorder, and paranoia. And it also gives me a very good night of sleep. But anyway, my point is: yes, losing a pet is uncomfortable and it sucks. But it is nowhere near as complicated as having a major depressive episode, because at least I know that my sadness and grieving has a clear cause: my dog died. But with depression, it comes out of nowhere. I have finally understood the importance of grieving. And how the West African Shaman Malidomá Somé said about western people, That is, if we don't allow ourselves to go through all the stages of the grief process, we will become fragmented. Grieving is like raining season. It's necessary. But too much of it will cause problems. People worry too much about the environmental changes (such as climate change, acid rain, overpopulation). But the thing that we should really focus on is our inner environmental changes. Are we crying too much, or nothing at all? Do we have a lot of toxic feelings? It's all analogous. Nature works with patterns. In other words, Crying too much = too much rain Not crying at all = too little rain If something is not right, then a good psychiatrist can certainly help! It's no use meditating 4 hours a day, if you still have unfinished business and traumas to resolve. Grieving is a necessary part of life. Sure, I can't get too attached to that, but it is something natural and healthy. When I was depressed, I couldn't feel anything. Because my emotions were too intense, I stopped feeling all emotions. I got numb as a way to protect myself. But now, I can live life without letting fear run my life. I feel alive as I grieve for my pet. When I was alone with him, I listened to Jack Kornfield's guided meditation on forgiveness. It's so beautiful: OTHER INFORMATION >> I was able to poop today. Hooray! I also ate relatively health. It was too much, but I got surprised by how I can still function with high stress. This is great of my self-confidence >> During the evening, I contacted my psychiatrist via WhatsApp, because I thought I had stepped on glass. Fortunately, my mom went to the ER with me, and it turned out it was nothing, just a blister. The doctor was REALLY good. He was very calm, yet he was very confident in what he was saying. >> I realized I am a little hypochondriac today. Here's from Wikipedia: >> I took my meds correctly. >> I used rape 7 or 8 times today. It was a little bit too much, but at least I am reducing how many times I have it. >> Now that depression is no longer present, I can see how amazing I am. I am now valuing all the things that I have done in my life. I feel my thoughts are sharper. And I am able to use my energy more wisely. And everything comes naturally Thanks for reading! =)

In a way, we are victims. Victims of our genetics, environment, upbringing, country, 21st century, etc.

Day 5 [5-27-2019] It's 2:10 am (5-28) right now. >> I woke up at around 7:30 am today. I woke up feeling very well. Taking 3 pills of Quetiapine (150mg) is definitely the right dosage at night. >> I started to get irritated as the hours pass by, though. Then, I had an extra 25mg pill. >> I was able to poop easily today. It blows me away how I take pooping for granted. It's such a miracle and a blessing when it happens... >> I contacted my psychiatrist via WhatsApp. He was dry (as usual), but he told me I should indeed take an extra pill. And he also suggested me to go there today. >> I had an argument with my older sister (she's 3 years older than me) about depression. She wouldn't let me finish my sentences. Then, at one moment I shouted, "IT'S A FUCKING ILLNESS!" She was giving me a shallow advice of like, "Go out and do something, then you'll feel better." I mean, I have been studying self-development for 11-fucking-years... But anyway, she understood my point. The consultation went fine. We decided to take away the anti-depressant (venlafaxine), and increase the dosage of the anti-psychotic (quetiapine). So here's my new Quetiapine schedule: This is a high dosage, but it's a very safe medication. In case of overdose, it likely only makes the person sedated. I don't have to be very rigid with the times. And I can skip a 25mg if I need to. Because I am stopping the antidepressant, I might feel nauseated. In that case, I should contact my psychiatrist and take an anti-nausea medication. Shamanic Snuff - Using More Than 10 Times, But It Wasn't a Big Deal I used rape about 12 times today. I know this looks like it was a lot, but I took very small dosages. I should probably change the way I measure how much rapé I take daily. Maybe I should calculated the grams. Anyway, it was definitely more than I should take, but it was nothing big. I was worrying that rapé and anti-psychotic wouldn't be a good combination, but it seems as though it is. Rapé is known for taking away paranoia attacks in people who are tripping in ayahuasca. So I guess it's a very safe drug. Eating & Nausea I ate a lot today. I binged in the afternoon. Then I had a good nap, and I woke up more lucid. I didn't guilt myself for eating too much, but I also didn't go on "neurotic anorexic mode". I also did very good at WhatsApp. I am able to say no, and not feel guilty about it. I am feeling a slight nausea right now. I will probably have something to eat, then try to sleep. Thanks for reading! =)