kag101

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Everything posted by kag101

  1. I have just downloaded an app that allows me to keep a food journal. Pretty helpful, and I think it will be more practical than doing things in hard mode, that is, writing on a notepad from my phone. I will start to experiment with that. I have scheduled a session with a nutritionist on Thursday, so i will see how that goes. On the last two days, I did keep my food journal. But in a much less neurotic way (but still neurotic). So on July 8th, I had about 2600 to 2800 calories, and today (July 9th) I had 2200 to 2500 calories. But anyway, I will use the app. I think it will be much more practical and will give me better results.
  2. July 7th, 7:56 PM I think this journal is pretty messy. But that's okay, that's how I am. Rehearsal Theater Today, I went to a children's play that I will do in the end of the year. I have realized how much I have a talent for acting and for writing. It is something that comes easy to me. And doing plays definitely has the potential to be one of my passion's in life, because there I can completely immerse myself in a ludic world. No need to be who I am. No one judging me as being "dumb" or "retarded" for being playful. Neurotic Organization Lately, I have been focusing a lot on being more organized, yet I am taking caution to not get too neurotic about it. I realized I have been pretty neurotic about keep track with what I eat. I wrote in my other journal that I will schedule a session with a nutritionist. He's really good. He is not the typical nutritionist who tells people to eat, idk, chicken and stuff. I really like his texts, and I am looking forward to start seeing him. Doctors Tomorrow, I have an appointment with an orthopedist. Then, on Wednesday, with my psychiatrist. Then, on Thursday, with my psychologist. A lot of stuff, huh? But I have set the intention of going to all doctors I need by my birthday. I wanna make sure nothing's wrong with me. Oh... and I need to schedule with a speech therapist, hehe. Omg... a lot of stuff, but I don't think it is overwhelming. Medication & How Much I Have Changed Once again, I am very grateful for the medication I am taking. It's helped me calm down my anxiety, made me feel more centered, and have taken away my wild mood swings. Great stuff! And I can't complain about any side effects. I wish there was a guide to how I should proceed with my life. But I would say that being extra patient is a must. If I analyse ow much I have improved in 2 months, it is mindblowing: > I don't get hits of depression or euphoria. I feel very calm and centered most of the time. > My sleep schedule is acceptable (I used to wake up at 5-fucking-PM). > I am not eating as if I am about to die. > I don't feel Social Anxiety anymore. I do feel I have a high sensitivity for social interactions, but I am able to deal with that by limiting how much time I have to socialize with people. I am like a person who has a very pale tone of skin. I only need a tiny bit of sun. If I expose myself too much, sunburns are going to happen. And if I do that for a prolonged period of time, I might develop cancer, metaphorically speaking. > I am as authentic as I ever was, but at the same time I am not being disrespectful. > I don't feel any strong addictions or cravings. > I am much more independent, which is a great thing for an introvert. > I know how to defend myself. If someone starts being rude to me, I know how to strike back. > I am much more organized, and I am helping organize my whole house. > I have been taking walks with my dog, and I have been playing and training him. > I have stopped smoking cannabis. > I am much more creative. > I have a better relationships with my inner child. > I have moments of existential ecstasy, but in a balanced way. > I am bringing joy and peace wherever I go. > I don't beat myself up for not being perfect, or for making mistakes, or for not being able to cheer everybody up. > I have been practicing the piano and soccer. Oh, and my strength in my arm is much better! > I have realized that the only person I really should take care of is myself. Eight months ago, my life was at a 2-3. Now it is at a 7.5. Big improvement, huh?
  3. Keeping this challenge is taking way too much energy from my part. Once again, I need to ask for help. There is this nutritionist I have found that has a more humanistic approach. Tomorrow I have an orthopedist. I will talk with him about my knee, my flat feet, and my possible tendinitis in my arms. Then, I want to go to the nutritionist. I will take a break from writing down what I eat daily. I will just try to not overeat too much, especially because it is winter right now where I live, so there is a high chance of eating too much. It's a real mind-blowing thing to accept to myself that I have a problem with food. I either eat too much, or too little. And trying to solve this by myself doesn't seem to be very productive, I suppose. It was similar to me, 2 years ago, trying to take care of my mental health all by myself. I think this attempt to write down what I eat and my weight was a valid attempt, and I think it is the right time to take a break from it, and seek professional help. I will write here as soon as I have my appointment with the nutritionist.
  4. July 6th, 7:26 PM Book I just finished reading a great book about depression by a Brazilian neurologist. It was a very good read. I would rate the book 4/5. This book at a very good time. I Am My Only Responsibility I thought a lot about how I don't need to worry about other people's mental health. This is just an unrealistic expectation, as if I were able to have the omnipotence to undo all evil in the world. No, this is an effort that is not worth it. I notice that the more I focus on my journey and my own problems, the more I am able to change the world by my presence alone. Problems There are still things I don't like about the world, and there will always be something bad that is happening. And to have this understanding that, "Oh... it's okay. It's not my duty to change the world." gives a sense of comfort and relief. Rational optimism & Reasons Why I Think My Life Will Get Better I am very optimistic. Not in a blind way, but instead in a very rational way. I have reasons to be optimistic. > My relationships are very good and have well-delimited and healthy boundaries. > My family is doing great, and is finally moving into the right direction. > I no longer feel like carrying the weight of the world. > I won the battle against my proud ego and I sought help. > My intestine is working well (which is something I have always struggled with in my life). > I have accepted my sexuality and I have recently come out as gay. > I no longer feel the need of hiding any aspect of myself. > I feel stable and centered most of the time. > I no longer have crippling social anxiety. I know that some social situations drain my energy quickly, but I can manage this. > I know that if depression comes back again to haunt, I have plenty of tools to deal with it. > I have dealt with my biggest trauma in life: my parents' divorce. It was a fucked-up thing that my 8-year-old self had to deal with, but now I feel at peace with that. I have talked with all my family members about it. I have expressed my repressed anger with all of them. The grieving cycle is completed. Now I can move on And the thing is, I don't necessarily have to use antidepressants for the rest of my life. And even if I do need it, there's no problem! They are not evil per se; depression is. I feel like celebrating today. I was for 11-12 years depression's prisoner. I still need to be alert, because it can come back at any time, but I feel like I have it under control. Peace out kag101
  5. Because it can trigger a rude awakening (aka psychotic episode). There is no need to rush spiritual awakening... In fact, if you go too deep into the rabbit hole, you might end up needing to take antipsychotic medication (which was my case back in 2016).
  6. Yes. it has happened to me in Kundalini Yoga. From my personal experience, I don't think it is a good thing. In fact, I think it is a sign to step back and to take it more easily or better yet to take a break. It certainly can. Existential epiphany very often occur prior to adrenaline rushes. But, again, it is important to not go so deep into the rabbit hole.
  7. Day 12 - 7-5-2019 Weight: 97,4 kg (+0.2 kg) // 215 lbs Calories: 2500-2700 > 1) Breakfast: 500-600 cal > 2) Morning snack: 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 1000-1300 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 0 cal > 5) Dinner: 450-550 cal > 6) Evening snack: 400 cal Commentary: • When I first weighted myself, it was at 100 kg. I was like, WTF! This thing has happened before of like having a weight that is not the right one. Then, after a few hours, I tried again and it was at 97.4, which is much better. • I slept in the afternoon.
  8. Day 11 - 7-4-2019 Weight: Tomorrow (again lol) Calories: 3000-3100 cal > 1) Breakfast: 300-400 cal 8 AM > 2) Morning snack: 200 cal 10:30 AM > 3) Lunch: 1200 cal 3 PM > 4) Afternoon snack: 0 cal > 5) Dinner: 800-900 cal 8 pm > 6) Evening snack: 350-400 cal Commentary: • I clearly overate.
  9. July 5th, 1:16 AM Trying to Change Others There is a persistent desire in me to change others. I know this is said over and over again in self-help circles, but I still fall into this trap. In the case of depression, I have started to tell everyone to go a to a psychologist and psychiatrist. But I have to tell myself that Antivirus Updated! I feel like I have updated my firmware. I was living with an outdated version of myself. We are in 20-fucking-19. This is the future. The internet revolution is here. Everything has changed. Everything is more connected. Everything is easier. Btw, one persistent limiting belief is that in order for me to win, somebody has to lose. Not necessarily... the world is a potentially abundant place, in which everybody can win. Weight - Shock, then Relief Today I weighted myself as soon as I woke up. One-hundred-fucking-kilos I was shocked and frustrated. I have been focusing on monitoring my weight and everything, and I am trying to not be neurotic about, but instead as scientific as possible. I am not doing any type of diet. But I am registering how much I have eaten, as well as an estimation of the calories. But anyway, after some hours, I poop, and my weight was at 97.4. Much better... Random Stuff • Today I organized some stuff in my house. It was productive and I didn't need to do much effort. • I took a 4-hour resting nap. • I am finishing the book on depression. • I am getting better at online games, because I am more loose and not neurotic. • I have been practicing soccer by myself. Fun stuff! Can't wait to start playing at the park. • I took a bath as soon as I woke up. I was feeling very tensed-up. • I didn't take any painkillers today! Hooray! • My nose is cleared up. I have developed a technique with Shamanic Rapé and saline. • I have been practicing singing notes along with the piano, and I have feel I am getting better at singing. My fear is to make mistakes. I have realized that if I do new activities but for a small period of time, then there is virtually no risk of injuring myself or getting hard-to-get-rid-of bad habits. • It's been raining in my city over the last 2 days. It's winter where I live, but it was feeling like it was summer. Goddamn, climate change! • Pinterest is cool! • It's a good thing to develop not-caring when I enjoy stuff, because then if that thing gets popular, I am not following it because everybody is talking about it, but because I genuinely like it. For example, Leo is not popular nowadays, but it's a good thing to follow him at this time. Another example would be to invest in Facebook. Instagram is much popular these days, but nothing stays the same...
  10. July 4th, 7:31 pm Let's see what comes up today. I like this type of free-writing so that I don't have to force myself to write about any topic specifically, but what comes up naturally. Right Track & Seeing How Much I Have Progressed I feel for the first time in years that I am on the right track. I know that if I backslide, I have professional support. I don't need to rely too much on my friends and family to make myself stable. I need to constantly remind myself that healing is not a linear thing, nor is it necessarily fast. Yes, there can be a burst of growth in a short period of time. But most of the time, it is something that seems to not really be working. But if I pay close attention, I can see how much I am evolving. It's just mindblowing. If I were to compare my current state of mind with how I was 3 years ago, there is no comparison. I was in a world of delusional thoughts. I always thought that "not being normal" was cool, but I was mistaken. Yes, I can express my authenticity and have, for example, impopular opinions once in a while. But being normal, from a psychiatric standpoint, is having healthy flutuations of humor. Not like a wild rollercoaster. Psychologist I went to my psychologist today. I like her style. She's very gentle and respectful. I feel safe with her. I don't plan to do therapy for a long period of time, but I do acknowledge that it is necessary. Sometimes she points out something, and I start to feel guilty for not being "perfect", for not being "mature" enough to not do that. But it's good to once in a while see myself as a 5-year-old. In a way, we all are. Our essence is our inner-child. A child needs a lot of patience, loving-acceptance, and validation of feelings. If I know this, why do I beat myself up so much? Rushing Results & Healing Trying to hurry results is a trap. I am already taking action. I am already taking medication. I am organizing my life in an organic way. I have come out (which is BIG thing). I am more aware of how much I eat. I am feeling good on a consistent basis. I am not so needy anymore, that is, I can let people go. My relationship with my family is finally authentic, and I am finally healing and giving a new meaning to my parents' divorce, which was a huge emotional trauma for me. Parents' Divorce I was 8-fucking-years. I was a child. And I needed to calm down my mom's grief. And I saw a lot of bad shit. Jealousy, lack of communication, and even emotional terror. (Sigh). I know that the past is done. But I do have to give myself permission to revisit it and to connect with my inner child so that I can release all those pent up emotions and finally resolve, with the eyes of an Adult, my unfinished business. Book On Depression I am reading a wonderful book about depression by a Brazilian neurologist. He was talking about gratitude in the last chapter. And this made me stop to think for a moment. Man, so many blessings have happened in my life. Sure, my life is still not ideal. I am in the process of restructuring it. But I am fucking grateful that I haven't felt that deep sense of hopelessness, nor that feeling of having an insignificant existence, and nor that feeling of waking up and the only thing I'd look forward to is when I would sleep again. Being Happy Again -- A Gift From The Gods I am vibrant once again. Sure, I am not perfect. But, hey, life is a school. I can't beat myself up for being in the process of learning. And learning means trial and error, making mistakes, saying I am sorry (especially to mysef). With depression, I see a deep sense of meaningless in the world. Everything that's coming up lately with the Internet Revolution seems stupid and pointless. There is no sense of satisfaction or any type of rewarding feeling. After all, the dopamine in my brain is messed up. I am glad I have been able to get out of that quagmire of confusion and trauma. No one deserves to be in that state. I can now see how my social anxiety was caused by childhood trauma. And never would I thought that the solution to my excessive shyness would be going to a traditional psychologist and a traditional psychiatrist. Nothing woo-woo. Not Reiki, not NLP, not psychedelics, not hyponosis. Just regular treatment. I have walked the Path of self-discovery for 11 years. It is a lot. And I never could find God. But now I see that seeing God, nirvana, samadhi, etc. is merely the healing of trauma. I have a deep respect for people like Dr Gabor Maté, who works with addicts in an empathic, realistic, and compassionate way. Maybe I will work with that in the future. But as for now, I will focus on just getting things right.
  11. July 3rd, 9:11 pm My Life I will try to write freely, and see what comes up. My life is steadily getting back on track. I have been very organized and correct. I have had plenty of energy to use throughout my day -- not too much, not to little. I have been practicing the piano, soccer, and other things. Dad I have been arguing with my dad. He is travelling, and he doesn't take the time to answer my text messages. I know he has been busy and all, but all I am asking is 5 minutes of his attention per day. But anyway, I don't need his love and affection. I have survived years without it. I would be very pleased if I got any of it, but it is not something necessary to my happiness. Like it or not, I am a grown up guy. I do need his financial help. But, again, if he doesn't want to help me, I have survived more than 2 years not asking him for one penny. But, once again, it would be easier if he helped me. Psychologist I am going to my psychologist tomorrow. It has been a week since I stopped smoking weed, and I feel much better. My thoughts are clearer, and I am not aggressive anymore. Weed was for sure counteracting the medication I am taking. I don't miss it at all. Other Medical Consultations I have scheduled to go to a variety of doctors: orthopedist to check my knees, my posture, and a possible tendinitis in my arm. An otolaryngologist to check my voice and to see if I should go to a speech therapist. I will schedule a dermatologist for 20 days from now (when my keeping track of my weight challenge ends), so that I can show him or her my deshidrosis, and to start a hair-regrowth treatment. I admit that I am anxious so that I start the treatment right away, but I am forcing myself to focus on one thing at a time. A Message To The Depressed Folks Out There If you're depressed, I recommend you disregard all spiritual beliefs (especially paranormal things). No one knows for sure if there are in fact those types of things, and having a mental illness only makes you prone to delusional thoughts and beliefs. Once again: there is no other way to overcome depression other than the following triad: medication (with a psychiatrist follow-up) + psychotherapy + good support network. You can justify yourself as much as you want, but that's the blunt truth. With the right help, it's not that hard to overcome depression! PS: I went to a very good mattress store today called Zissou. They have a 100-day 100% refund policy. The mattress is a little bit expensive, but I think it is worth it.
  12. Day 10 - 7-3-2019 Weight: Tomorrow Calories: 2500-2750 cal > 1) Breakfast: 350-400 cal 10 am > 2) Morning snack: 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 800-1000 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 500-650 cal > 5) Dinner: 450-500 cal 7 pm > 6) Evening snack: 200-300 cal 8:30 pm Commentary: • I will probably get a surprise tomorrow. • I don't feel like overeating. I am eating a decent portion for my height, and if I were to eat less, I would be repressing myself and not eating enough. • Change slowly, because the direction is more important than the destination.
  13. Day 9 7-02-2019 Weight: 97,2 (+0,2 kg) Calories: 2700-2900 > 1) Breakfast: 330-400 cal 8 am > 2) Morning snack: 220-250 cal 11 am > 3) Lunch: 850-900 cal 1 pm > 4) Afternoon snack: 380-410 cal 3 pm > 5) Dinner: 800 cal > 6) Evening snack: 400 cal Commentary: • I was expecting to lose more weight than I did.
  14. Day x - 7--2019 Weight: Calories: > 1) Breakfast: cal > 2) Morning snack: cal > 3) Lunch: cal > 4) Afternoon snack: cal > 5) Dinner: cal > 6) Evening snack: cal Commentary: • • •
  15. Omg, don't be a spiral dynamics preacher. Let people be what they are, and stop forcing people to be interested in what you are. If you get so irritated by this group, just quit it...
  16. SAMPLE (IDEAL CALORIES INTAKE + TIMES OF MEALS) Day x - 7-xx-2019 Weight: 90 kg (-2 kg) // 198 lbs (-4.4 lbs) Calories: 2300 - 2700 cal > 1) Breakfast: 500-700 cal Time: 8-10 am > 2) Morning snack 200-300 cal Time: 10:30-11:30 am > 3) Lunch: 750-1100 cal Time: 12:00-1:30 pm > 4) Afternoon snack: 100-350 cal Time: 3:30-5 pm > 5) Dinner: 350-700 cal Time: 5:30-7:30 pm > 6) Evening snack: 150-250 cal Time: 8-10 pm Commentary: • I will not necessarily write what I ate, because that takes too much energy and time. I will write the approximate calories. • I will use my common sense to see how much I will eat in each meal. I want to avoid eating more than 2500 calories, or less than 2300 calories. I don't want extremes. I want to learn how to be fit -- not how to be anorexic. • I will keep the daily report as simple as possible. I don't want to get perfectionist and make very detailed reports, but fail at doing so for the full 30 days of challenge.
  17. Day 8 - 7-01-2019 Weight: Tomorrow Calories: 2500 cal > 1) Breakfast: 500 cal Time: 10 am > 2) Morning snack 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 1100 cal Time: 1:30 pm > 4) Afternoon snack: 120 cal Time: 4-5 pm > 5) Dinner: 500 cal Time: 6-7 pm > 6) Evening snack: 250 cal Time: 8-10 pm Commentary: • I am monitoring what I eat way too much. I keep forgetting that I shouldn't be neurotic and/or perfectionist. In the following days, I will focus on only estimating how many calories I take. • I will create a sample with how many calories I should have for each meal, and around what time should I eat. • I have recently noticed that industrialized food tend to have a lot of fat. This won't be my focus, but I will be mindful regarding that.
  18. June 30th, 6:28 pm Weed Quitting weed was a very important move. I don't do well with marijuana. It messes up with my brain chemistry, and I get somewhat aggressive and even egoic. I think that being rebellious was an important part of my journey. I had always been the nice guy, who would never say things that bothered me, who was afraid all the time. And I would feel extremely guilty for being an asshole, or for hurting other people's feelings. Btw, I love Leo's video on How To Stop Being a People-Pleaser. All in all, weed was making the medication be not so effective. My psychologist asked me in a very polite way, "Don't you think it would be better if, at least for now, you wouldn't smoke cannabis?" During the consultation, I got very defensive and I was self-justifying my behavior. But now I see how weed was blocking my progress. Optimism I feel optimistic about life. I don't have that overwhelming fear anymore that things would go terribly wrong in my life. I feel self-confident. Not in a exaggerated way, but in a calm and rational way. I know that I am amazing. I have had a big treasure all my life, and I just couldn't use it. I was afraid the world would judge it. But now, I don't have this fear anymore. I have good friends who support me and that make me remember how to relax and be myself. Sending Package To My Cousin Today I sent a package to my 14-year-old cousin. His birthday was a week ago. I bought him a cool spider-man T-shirt, and I also made him a card and I also put 50 bucks inside it. I think he will like it. I haven't been close to him due to depression. I simply was too insecure, too tensed-up to have any emotional bond with anyone. And, truth to be told, he was in a phase of being in his little world. So I hope that this present will make us be close once again. Migraine & Diet I have had some migraines today. Maybe it is because I haven't eaten much. I am making sure that I eat from 1800-2500 calories daily. Not eating is a huge trap. Not just because it's an ineffective strategy for losing weight, but it would also affect my mental health. Mattress My quest for finding a mattress is still on. I have found a site that seems reliable and good. They let the customer use the mattress for 100 days, and if he or she doesn't like it, they refund 100% of the value. The mattresses there are more expensive than in the other stores I researched, but I think it's worth a try. I sent my dad an email about that. Thank you for reading! Have a good week!
  19. Day 7 - 6-30-2019 Weight: 97.0 kg (-0.4 kg) // 213 pounds (-1 pound) Calories: 2480 cal > 1) Breakfast: 600 cal Time: 8 am 400 cal (oatmeal with honey) + 200 cal (half of a whole-wheat sandwich with mayonnaise and ham and cheese) > 2) Morning snack: 300 cal Time: 11:40 am 70 cal (half of a papaya) + 20 cal (sweet cracker) > 3) Lunch: 950 cal Time: 1:40 pm > 4) Afternoon snack: 0 cal > 5) Dinner: 380 cal Time: 8:30 pm > 6) Evening snack: 850 cal Time: 11 pm Commentary: • I had weighted myself before going to the bathroom, and I was weighing 99.8 (220 pounds)! I was like, WTF? I know I have been eating more than I should, but that didn't really make sense. Then, I tried it again about an hour later, and I have actually lost some weight. That was a relief, because I was thinking of starting a way more rigorous diet. Now, I think I found the middle ground, and I have decided that my goal is to not go beyond 2500 cal daily. • I slept from 3 pm to 8 pm. I ended up eating dinner in the "evening snack" time. • I ate the same thing for lunch and for dinner. Also not a good thing, because I need variety of food.
  20. Day 6 - 6-29-2019 Weight: Tomorrow Calories: 3050 cal > 1) Breakfast: 300 cal > 2) Morning snack: 300 cal > 3) Lunch: 1200 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 300 cal > 5) Dinner: 350 cal > 6) Evening snack: 600 cal Commentary: • I ate a Cup Noodle in the late night. Not a good idea...
  21. I agree. I find that the best way to pick up hot girls is to treat them as a friend. That is, I avoid any type of flirting. I only focus on the conversation itself. That being said, I am a very funny and laid back guy. If you are tensed-up, focusing on the conversation itself will make it go way too serious and boring. For example, you meet a girl and she is into spirituality and yoga. Then, you start talking about nondual experiences. "I suddenly became God. I realized that I am everything that ever was. And that, on an ultimate level, I am you." So far so good, but if you extend yourself too much, such as, "The implications of non-duality are visible anywhere you see. But unfortunately, people are too stuck in the Matrix to realize that they are God's highest manifestation. We are different leaves of the same tree. Each of us is a drop water, so ultimately we are all water. Everything is connected. Everything is an unity." If you keep trying to be profound and wise, you'll start to sound arrogant and pedant. For example, if I am in a playful mood, I would say, "So technically, my penis and your vagina are one." Haha, that could or could not work. But the thing is, there is no magic answer. Spontaneity is key. The goal is not to become an alpha guy, but to become your natural/authentic/playful self. Girls, especially hot ones, are very good at identifying when a guy is giving sings of interest. And they are tired of being flirted. I am not saying you should repress your instincts. I am just saying that if you can manage to treat her as a friend, that is, with no second intentions, they will notice that. And that can be very attractive. But anyway, at first, I recommend "training" with unattractive girls. Baby steps is the key. Rome was not made in one day. And the funny thing is, those girls are generally speaking very good in bed. An analogy: Trying to pick up a HB9, for instance, is like playing a game in level hard. You first need to get good at the lower levels.