kag101

@The0Self What you did was really irresponsible. It could've been way worse.

This topic is especially for those of you who are in this really dark place, of feeling lost in life, of desperately trying to get better through self-help or spirituality but to no avail. This is my personal experience. 1 year "anniversary" It's been about 1 year that my mood is stabilized. There is no greater blessing than this. Being able to engage in life in a healthy and constructive way is magical. For someone who lived as a zombie for so many years, it's awesome to feel like I am me again -- my natural self. I don't have to try too hard to "be confident, happy, or spiritually evolved". Life is neither hard nor easy; it's in the right level. I owe my recovery to both psychology and psychiatry. Friends or spiritual gurus don't really help that much in that area. Even though the evidence for antidepressants is only modest, I feel like it really helped me. I could sense the difference in my state of mind when my doctor increased the dosage of my current medication. It was like... suddenly, I was normal again. The difference between having the flu vs not having the flu. I wrote a topic here about a month after I got well. The Power of Traditional Psychotherapy (and Psychiatry) - Self-Actualization - Actualized.org Forum So it's good to write now after 1 year. Depression is one of those things that I heard about it many times, but it was somewhat vague. "Lack of energy". Deep down, I thought what I was experiencing was just laziness. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Living with depression is like having to live carrying 100 lbs on your back. You can do it, but it is really exhausting and painful. And oftentimes the package is not just depression, but it also includes high levels of anxiety. So I whether felt like I was dead inside (depression), or like I was drowning (anxiety). Not enough by itself, but the most important thing Now... is the medication the end-all-be-all? Not in my case. It is just the beginning. But I'd argue that it is the most important piece of the puzzle. If I were to choose between having found my psychologist (who I really like) or my psychiatrist (who I don't resonate that much, but who is very good at what he does), I would choose the psychiatrist. If I was depressive, and I was going to my psychologist, it would sort of help. But it would be hard to go there, and I wouldn't see much results. My therapist has been great at helping me to get back to life. No medication per se can magically make me reconstruct my life. But what it can do is remove the extra burden that I had to carry for many years. Not to say that I was always depressive. In fact, that's one of the most common myths about mental illness. It generally is not something constant; but cyclical. So there are periods that I feel normal, and then... boom. It hits again. And the more time passes, the worse this scenario gets. "I don't fucking care about side effects. I have to do something different!" I had moments in my life that I was feeling well. When I was finishing high school (I was 16), I was well. I had friends and was generally happy. But then, at 17, I hit rock bottom. Then, at 18, I was generally well again. But... at 19, I had a massive breakdown. At 20, I sorta managed to get back on my feet. But at 21, my life was really crappy (would wake up at 5 pm, was highly socially anxious, depressive, escaping life). Then, at 22, I said to myself: "That does it. I can't take this anymore. I've tried all the alternative methods. I gotta do something different, or this shit will only get worse." I had read a book called "An Unquiet Mind" which really opened my eyes to the fact that medication can not only help but also save lives. "I don't care if I get side-effects. Loss of libido? Yeah, that sucks. But in my depressive state, I already have that." Now... the tricky thing is that the cyclical nature of the illness makes people postpone seeking proper professional help as long as possible. As soon as there is some improvement in my mood, I would sabotage myself and think: "Oh... I don't need any of this. See? I'm good now. It was just some temporary thing". And that's one of the reasons why I am grateful that my illness was not soft. I couldn't function in society anymore. It wasn't super severe, but I'd say upper-moderate. So I reached a point that I had to do something different. The #1 self-development action I've ever taken Going to a psychiatrist — especially someone who had been heavily into spirituality and yoga for the last years — was something really outside of my comfort zone. But I am so freaking glad I took that first step 2 years ago. On 11/04/2018. This first psychiatrist was crappy. But eventually I found the one I am with right now, who is really competent and not arrogant. It took a year to find the right medication and dosage, and get stabilized. I was expecting to have side effects with the medication, particularly sexual impotence and increase in appetite. But actually the med I am in didn't give me any of that. Quite the contrary actually. There is hope I hope that my experience gives some hope. That yes, it is possible to feel good and stabilized on a consistent basis. Unfortunately, it can be quite costly and challenging to find good professionals; but from my experience, this has been the #1 thing that I took action on. If it had taken me 5x longer to get better and 5x more costly, it would still be sooo worth it. What is the point of living if you have a sick mind? Btw - I highly recommend the book "An Unquiet Mind", by Kay Redfield Jamison. This book really opened my mind to the possibility of getting better. Best of luck! Feel free to ask me question, as I will happily reply to them all.

@Jonsey As Leo said in a video: "When you cut one of the heads of the hydra, two appears."

How many sessions did you take?

Why do do you want to take Iboga? It sounds masochist tbh.

So your therapist didn't really help you heal this trauma, right?

@FredFred Thanks a lot for the kind words ? It was hard to take that leap of faith, because I thought it wouldn't work. There are a lot of "silent" success cases in psychiatric treatment. That is, the person feels better but doesn't talk about it. So the testimonials we tend to hear are really biased, as the overwhelming majority of people who share their experience are the ones who had horrible ones. I feel this call to work with helping people who are going through similar things that I had to deal with, alone. And now I feel strong and confident enough to go back to college and pursue my psychology degree =D @The0Self Well, the purpose of the medication is to feel the normal spectrum of emotions. Not feeling sadness is not a sign that the medication is working properly. In my case, I definitely still feel sadness, but now it is proportional to what I am going through in life. I'd even say that now I am able to experience sadness. When I get depressed, I simply cannot feel anything. It's awful. Did you stop taking it by yourself?

Pathetic.

I think psychedelics is a high-risk gamble. I went to ayahuasca ceremonies for about a year. In the beginning, it helped. It was as if life had color once again. But as time goes by, my depression was getting worse after each trip. Not only that, during the trips the following became common: anxiety attacks (which is HELL while you're tripping), paranoia, strong agitation, deep sense of meaninglessness, and sometimes grandiose delusions. I also don't adapt well to SRRIs. Fortunately, my doctor has prescribed me an antidepressant that is from a different class. And it worked really well. Btw - You should've told your doctor that you wanted to stop taking it. You were very irresponsible.

Stop bullshitting yourself. It took me a while to find a good psychotherapist. Here are three tips for finding a good one: Do not be cheap, do some research/ask for recommendations, and avoid alternative/hollistic therapists. When you finally find one that's really good, it pays off. I feel like when I go to my therapist it's as if I'm calibrating myself through her. I also go to a psychiatrist. I take a special kind of antidepressant that basically don't theoretically work on anxiety. But in my case, I've found that my pathological anxiety was caused by my depression. As soon as the depression got stabilized, the anxiety levels also dropped. Now, I am working on taming my "normal" anxiety (which is pretty high). The doctor also prescribed me Xanax in case I really need it. Fortunately, it's been more than 6 months that he did it, and I never had to use that med. One thing that helps me besides therapy is Tai Chi. @tsuki Great points!! ??? And I'm glad that you're wife is doing better.

I read 21 lessons. It's pretty interesting. It doesn't go into great depth on each topic. It's more the basics of various topics. I'd probably give it 4 stars (out of five).

Here's a better practice: How can you get in touch with LIFE?

Omg, all of what you went through must have been so traumatic. Mental illness has a big genetic component. As with any other illness: the sooner you treat it, the better. Have you ever talked with a psychologist? The college that I studied at had a Student Psychological Services, which can be helpful.

I think it depends on the kind of pain. I tend to be somewhat hypochondriac, so oftentimes I feel some bodily discomforts that are simply BS. In reality, they're just some tiny little things that -- because I am aversed to pain -- I hyperfocus on it and therefore it grows. If you're talking about real physical pain, then I believe it's possible to increase your tolerance to it. But fully conquering is utopic, imo. Unless you're Peter Ralston, lol. In Kung Fu, they train to endure discomfort by, for example, breaking a brick with your own head.

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It's like a open wound. If you keep on touching it, it will not heal. I agree with @tsuki in the sense that you have to stop contacting him. I recommend you remove anything that makes you remember of him. Don't contact him (obviously). But also, for example, don't see his stories on Instagram, etc. Letting go isn't easy or quick. And compassion/forgiveness aren't always fluffy — both can be raw. Watch Leo's video on feminine vs masculine compassion.

Do you have emotional childhood trauma?

Nice! I think you should totally give it a try, and see if you resonate with the doctor. Good luck!

It is normal to fluctuate, but if it is extreme like you're describing (one day you're at cloud nine; then, the next one you're feeling like crap for no apparent reason); then it is not a sign of growth. Stability is very important. I used to "spiritualize" my clinical depression by saying that it was an ego backlash. I was seeing my "ego" as some sort of a demon — as if there was a part in me that wanted to fuck up my life. Now that I am treating my illness, I see that what I was experiencing was not normal.

The biggest problem is inside your own head. You've got to find a way to accept your height as it is. Yes, I know... easier said than done... This video has a very powerful visualization that can really help you:

You should go to a psychiatrist. No meditation, no breathing techniques, no psychedelics.

Have you ever gone to a doctor to help you with that?

What were you trying to say?