ivankiss

Um, looks like the universe is asking me a question, and my answer is YES. I want the offer!

Moving on has become less strange. What had to be left behind is slowly but surely fading away. Like a dying star. Once reality - now a memory. And not even that. I still wake up and fall asleep thinking about her. She's still wandering in my mind. I still don't know the truth. I still don't have the answers. I spent two years with this woman and now nearly six months away from her... And I still have no fucking clue who she is. I don't think she knows it either. Such is deceit. It's been a wild journey, to say the least. These last couple of months have been filled with all kinds of challenges, traps, tests. My new life in Amsterdam is a dream, a nightmare. Organized chaos. Heaven and hell. A story filled with horror and delight. I've burned all my bridges. There is no going back from here, and it's no accident, really. I've chosen this path, consciously, deliberately and on purpose, and I would choose it all over again, a million more times. Nothing else seems worthwhile, or even worthy of consideration. This is what's meant for me. This is my will. This is my fate. And there's no one else here but me. Not a single familiar face or voice. Not a single known thing or being. Pure, unknown wilderness. Raw and untested. Uncharted territory. Spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally. On all levels of being. I stopped counting the breakthroughs, level ups, upgrades and updates. Awakenings and transformations. At this point, the expansion is pretty much continuous, uninterrupted. Does this mean life is all rainbows and butterflies? Of course not. I said there was growth and expansion. Which means there is pain, fear and struggle as well. How else could it be... I got rid of the Polish ex gang leader, at least for a week. He's gone to some other place. Might not ever see him again. I kind of hope I won't. We did become good friends in these past couple of weeks, and we helped each other out quite a bit... However, it's clear as day to me that I must keep my distance. We are coming from two different worlds, and I know how that story usually ends. All in all, all is well. I am determined to face and overcome any and all obstacles of delusion, and I welcome all trials and tribulations with an open heart. I am armed, guarded and protected. I've got big guns behind me. God is on my side. I feel it, I know it. Commitment. Devotion. Passion. Love. I am on track and I know I am heading towards victory and glory. The ultimate wish fulfilment. The dream come true. Whatever and whoever tried to stop me, failed miserably. I have simply become too powerful. Too focused. Unshakable. Immovable. Immutable. Nothing can ever stop me now. Yet being stopped before getting a chance to taste the fruit made of all this blood, sweat and tears... is what I fear the most.

So, the only reasonable thing to do here is, hit pause on both girls and go get some food.

I'm not a player. And if you are, I think less of you as a human being. I'm fucking real, is what I am. That's why I prefer dancing with one partner at a time. Because I'm sane.

And this is what I would usually never do and why I wouldn't. I just received a text from both the Italian girl and my ex, at the exact same moment. Watch me unmix these feelings.

I contemplated this seriously, for 3 minutes straight, and I came to a conclusion that I don't speak in real life like I speak here on the forum, for two major reasons... Not triggering the fuck out of everybody, and not being locked away in a mental institution. That's right. I'm all neurotic and provocative here, so I can be zen, quiet and charismatic in real life. Makes perfect sense. Balance. Ying Yang. The Chinese know their shit.

Tell you what though... Never in my entire life have I been calculating shit this frequently, this obsessively. Money and time management is freaking on point, son!

Overall, a good week. Great, even. Started out a bit bumpy maybe, but I came out a hero, yet again. Another battle is won. Another major shift. Another rebirth. But don't raise your goblets just yet. There's much more to come.

Back to earth... We're texting full on with the Italian girl now. And I get where this is going. She too is looking for a room. And man... I'm so not playing that game anymore.

I'm too good.

AHAHAHA

Ultimately, I just want my little castle, my own piece of heaven, somewhere on the top of some mountain, or on a desolate island. Where I can continue making love to myself, and ideally a woman or two as well, for the rest of all eternity. Peacefully, quietly and without any disturbance. Don't worry. Kids won't be allowed to visit. Avoiding that catastrophic scenario from the get go. Don't want to become that kind of a celebrity either.

It's not that I could not be that guy, it's that I'd really rather not. It looks good on me, I tried it on a couple of times. But it's just not my thing, ultimately. I'm too conscious and heart centered to become another Dan Bilzerian, or Osho or something.

You thought it was coke and hookers huh

And don't even get me started on guitars and other geekery. I know exactly on what I want to spend all the money that I did not earn yet.

Of course my eyes already landed on a fucking gorgeous watch that I really should not be buying just yet.

Oh and btw, I lied. Staying two more nights. Leaving on Wednesday.

I also had an incredibly warm and pleasant interaction with the lady next door yesterday, but decided not to brag about it right away. Jk got too busy at work. It was... kind of intimate... without it getting physical. Very cool. Smooth and natural. She feels familiar. I'm off today, staying here all day. We might hang out some more. Exciting!

Remember the Italian girl? She texted yesterday again, after me not responding to her last message. I apologized, of course. I don't usually ghost people. I'm not that kind of a scumbag. I just had a lot on my plate. Got overwhelmed. Could not juggle so many things at once. Point is, she's persistent, we're back in touch, and definitely meeting soon. Good stuff.

I love it when I forget that I planted a seed and then being reminded when it grows into something big and beautiful.

Absolute dominance at work yesterday. Basically pulled off the impossible. Can't say luck wasn't on my side, but I also pushed myself hard. Let's repeat.

Fight to survive Succumb to The Path Conquer the fear And nothing will fail The quest to define This struggle of mine Gravity defied I climb beyond heights Carry the weight of the world On my shoulders Rise to the challenge I set myself

Hearts will burn come what may With lessons learned along the way To free myself, I make a choice Just to be heard I lose my voice Finding strength in solitude I fight to fly with much to prove Is this the way it's meant to be? I risk it all, I will not fall

In many ways, the work I do here is more real than the work I do on the field.

It's all said and done already. For real. I just need a little bit more money and a little bit bigger muscles. That's it.