ivankiss

The struggle is real.

I'd like to thank @Vision for inspiring me to do some digging on my personality type - INFJ. I find the information fascinating. Resonance is high. Back when I took the test, I did not want to get too attached to the result. I took it all with a grain of salt. But now that I'm in this phase of character development, it seems relevant to dive a bit deeper into it and connect some dots. Fun!

@Bazooka Jesus Yes. Make me one with everything.

Keeping it short and simple. Avoiding over-scripting. The purpose of this split is to attain a clearer view on the overall process. To organize the bits and pieces and accelerate the progress. WR1: Minor adjustments due to unexpected migration. The shift brings new gifts. Both physical and metaphysical. A slight but noticable change in style of expression, as well as appearance. Little to nothing remains from PR. Barely a memory. The vision remains the same, merely the playground changes. In this first phase, I spend most of my time in solitude. Little to no interactions. Mainly surface level dialogues. I moved to Italy primarily for one reason: money. That remains my focus. The rest of the gifts, that this city offers, will be unpacked later. Money. Music. Fitness. That's all in a nutshell, for this phase. WR2: Moving to a bigger, more fancy apartment. Already attained a significant amount of money. My desired body-shape nearly fully built. First piece of music, born in this new chapter, is released. More interaction/socialization. Dating. Sex. Long, wild, fun, memorable nights. Starting to script the details of DR. WR3: Deep scripting of DR. Preparation. Closure of the chapter. Retrospect. Overview. All necessary lessons and skills learned and mastered. Transformation complete. The wait is over.

Forgive me for deceiving you.. But you wanted to move forward.

Solitude answers all questions. Echoes swallowed by the night. Silence. Meditation in the dark, on my favorite bench. Soon to script WR1, 2 and 3.

I am losing interest in thought. It is not as entertaining as once. I know how it moves. I know its shapes and forms. Its curves and its edges. Timeless snapshots of The Divine. Grounding my steps into feeling. I listen for the whispers. The voice that sings bellow the night. No one seems to notice the fall. No one seems to see the rising. It's no surprise. Let them all sleep, while the earth gently weeps. They're better off without knowing. Let them dream through tomorrow's eyes. With these hands I could write a story unknown to the keeper of dreams. With these hands I could build a castle, capture unconditional joy in it, and kill what remains. With these hands I could move the mountains, and steal the moon from the sky. These are not hands of a man. I walk through the crowds, but I've never set foot on these lands. At night, I die at peace. Because I know, I've got something that could never be bought or sold. Gained or lost. Traced or abandoned. If only I could share it. If only you could see The Sun.

NO! I tried so settle bets with my own soul Bless my lips for the first time before you don't Gripping to the last touch of your hand I grow to loathe Hope that you remeber just how far I'll go Spend the rest of my life wishing I'm enough Resist! Resist! Resist! Resist!

Holy Fuck! Ashe O'Hara, ex singer from Tesseract knows I exist! I'm so gay for his voice! Best Album Ever

On the concrete sky I saw the buildings rise

Ego brain Man-made shame Shame, love after it rains You see my pain is real Watch my world dissolve And pretend that none of us see the fall As I turned to sand You took me by the hand And declared, that love prevails over all

Goodnight meditation at 88bpm. Delta waves. Ratio 1:2

@fopylo That's up to you. What resonates and works for you. But yes; in my experience, it is very beneficial. Even more so; expressing those lower-state emotions through original music. Channeling those thoughts and feelings into a song. Telling a story. It gives it all meaning, purpose, value.. It brings peace to it. It resolves it. Grants you with a higher perspective. Heals you.

I see you. I see my DR crystal clearly right now. It's beyond perfection. I broke through. Never felt this powerful, ever. I am the moon, I am the stars. I am the sea, I am the sky. The wind. The ground. I AM THE LIGHT - THE LIGHT I AM

HYPNONE You will never rest until the stars burn out My day is done, I love the sound of no one coming by Tomb beneath the trees The name unsung, the darkness in the cracks I am not what you have waited for Trust, nothing is enough This hunting ground I need the freedom to control my own I need the sound of rain Wearing dependence down The line must be kept so thin To live near life, not within No need to take the test before the dark must shine Reflect my eyes and strip this creation of mine Tomorrow is so long, the dead end king is here Black wings upon his back I am not what you have waited for Trust, nothing is enough This hunting ground I need the freedom to control my own I need the sound of rain Wearing dependence down The line must be kept so thin To live near life, not within

It's official. Today I entered my WR. I will most likely split this phase into three parts: WR1, WR2 and WR3. For reasons I shall list later.

Oddly enough, I'm much closer to D now... Cannot lie; I'm still not 100% over her. Maybe I'll never be. In my awareness, I can still hear her voice, see her face. If only I could feel her touch now... Too bad her kiss is poisonous. J and I texted quite a lot since I left MB. She was kinda sad about it. As was I. I told her I assumed she got bored of me, or found someone else, and that's why she distanced herself... But no. She told me she was just too tired from work and was not feeling sexual. She also said she was pretty sure I'd find someone new, pretty fast. I did not deny. But I told her that what I had with her, was really, truly something else. Very, very special. She ofcourse feels the same. She thanked me for all the mind-blowing orgasms, once again. She says it was beyond anything she ever dreamed of. Man... that's so bittersweet. I'd drive right back to her and fuck her brains out, right now. I really hope God will bless us two with another chance. It was as good as it gets. Sometimes it seems like my heart cannot take all this beauty. It simply cannot be contained. It's infinite.

I feel like crying, but it's not quite on the surface yet. I'm sure those tears will come later, when I put on the right kind of music.. There is melancholy in the air. Some tension. Will work my way through it slowly. I'm at the beach, all is empty and silent. Pleasant summer breeze. The sky is clear, the stars shine bright. They're soothing my soul. I know nothing is lost. I know there is so much to look forward to.. But still, I feel this transition deeply. It's not just about me moving. There is a lot of layers to this transformation. Some heartache is only natural. What am I to do with all this silence..?

Depressed = deep rest When not judged, it's actually just solitude. It's awakening.

In Italy. Settling down. Man, them feels...

THE CIRCLE'S GONE I am winter dormant in my solitude You are spring alive and with new growth I am summer burning in my beatitude You are fall shedding leaves grown old Just when the circle’s drawn Just then the circle’s gone The circle’s gone I am petals found in frail wayside flowers You are wind blowing bare open I am sunlight showering the rays of play You are sand soft yet hard as stone Just when the circle’s drawn Just then the circle’s gone The circle’s gone Merging with the land now With all things And all the beings Knowing I am one now With my vision With all the feeling I am Winter, you are Spring I am petals, you are wind Faith fills my inner space Clears my circle’s place Turns me inside out Moves away my doubt Just when the circle’s drawn Just then the circle’s gone The circle’s gone Just when the circle’s drawn Just then the circle’s gone The circle’s gone

J and I did not have sex. For a few reasons. It's irrelevant. Point is; we had a wonderful talk and coffee at my place. Solid 30 minutes. Lots of emotions. Respect. Love. We agreed to definitely catch up if I ever come to this city again. I also invited her to Italy for a vacation. She was very happy. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's fucking done. Fuck yes, it is. I said goodbye to two of my 'most important' fuck buddies from here. J and Serbian Beauty. We hugged and wished each-other the best. No weirdness whatsoever. Everything was smooth and clean. Just beautiful. Definitely looking forward to more magical experiences like this. Goodbye MB! Hello Italy!

@Knowledge Hoarder There is some truth to that, but it's not the entire truth I'm leaving the city this instance, so we won't be hanging out for a long while. If ever. We had great times.