ivankiss

The longest I went without sex, since I lost my virginity at age 16, is 2 months or so. Do I have a problem? Maybe. Or maybe I just really, really love sex. It's fuel. It makes me perform better on other areas of life, too. So I'm not too worried about it. Seriously considering a hooker. Did not have sex since Serbian Beauty. And btw, her and I are kinda in touch, still. Little dude as well. Our paths will most certainly cross again.

Update: Working my ass of at a dead-end job these days. Thankfully; the salary is pretty nice. Investing a nice amount into my trading account within the next month, or less. Until then; I'm going to be trading on a demo account, just to warm up a bit. I see plenty of beautiful opportunities. Starting tonight.

Update: My computer decided to stop working, just a few days before I moved to Italy. Thankfully; I did not lose too much material. I've been working my ass off these days. If everything goes as planned; I should be buying a new computer within the next month or so. And then; I'm right back on track. Tons of ideas piling up in my mind. Big breakthroughs in terms of singing, style and the overall approach to composition. The hype is real!

Thank God I'm close to the borderline. I can cross whenever I want. Also; thank God there's plenty of immigrants. My eyes are set mostly on slavic girls. They're bonkers hot. And far less annoying. Asian and African girls are also a huge turn on. I already soft-closed on a few dates. But I'm working so much these days that I don't really have the will to go through those first steps. I'd love to skip them. But I cannot really do that, can I? Might reach out to some old fuck buddies across the borderline. Or pay a hooker. It's been a few moments since I last had sex.

I'm speaking in general here, and out of sexual frustration, but man, Italian girls are as annoying as they are hot. As repulsive as they are attractive.

@RickyFitts Much love and respect to you ❤ Inner child, outer child, we're all children, no matter how you flip it. Innocent and beautiful.

Some say negligence is the worst kind of abuse. Little did I know... Father, you abandoned me when I could barely speak. Barely walk. I will never understand how could you look into those deep blue eyes of your three year old son, and walk out the door. Never to return. I was waiting for you to come visit me. I was waiting for so long. But you never came. You never called. Not even on my birthday. I know your soul weeps. I know you carry the burden. You will drag it to your solitary grave. May God forgive you for all that my heart is not big enough to forgive. Years ago, when I came seeking for you, I hoped for some kind of resolution. I hoped for a moment of clarity. But you had no strength to sit with me in an empty room. You dragged me to your new family. People I could not care less about. There I was, now a young man, standing tall and strong. Full of life. Full of ambition. Full of love and passion. And you... you were barely a shadow of a man. Smaller than a grain of sand. I saw it all in your eyes. I saw the pain. Pain so deep it is unspeakable. I understand, I think. I would shake and tremble in your shoes, too. I would cower under those endless layers of shame and guilt, too. I understand, Father. And I forgive you, as far as my forgiveness can reach. The rest is in God's hands. Your soul is.

What I do remember, crystal clearly, is the night you first left on that bus to a land far, far away. The sky was crying with me. Grandpa could barely pull me away out of your grip. On that night, a part of me died. On that night, separation came into being. For the very first time, ever. I was looking for you, looking for me, looking for The Light; ever since that terrible night. I found it, mother. It took a while, but I never stopped searching. I found Love. Love that is stronger than a thousand storms. Deeper than the ocean's floor. Unconditional and everlasting. I an reunited with it. I am whole. Yet it still pains me, to this day, when I look into those eyes of a tragedy. Eyes of a fallen angel. I only hope one day you'll find your way too.

I believe this was around the time when I first discovered my highest calling. My deepest passion. I was blissfully oblivious. Mother, thank you for all. Your love for me is undeniable. And even though I can barely recall moments of you being by my side; I know you only left to secure a better future for me. That was your highest calling. Much love and respect; your one and only son.

No freakin' way! Look what I just found! My heart is melting right now. I could look at these photos forever. Love this kid so much.

All alone in city lights, where you absorb the echo

Deep hypnosis meditation, 82bpm, delta waves. Sleep.

I am a reflection A projection you are We are of Love In Love: we are not In Love two cannot be In Love we are unseen Only I can see you Only yesterday knows tomorrow Love knows only now If indeed it knew at all I see you, therefore I am not Come closer Seal the gap Fear is remembrance Love is forever (more than just a poem)

I am a reflection A projection you are We are of Love In Love: we are not In Love two cannot be In Love we are unseen Only I can see you Only yesterday knows tomorrow Love knows only now If indeed it knew at all I see you, therefore I am not Come closer Seal the gap Fear is remembrance Love is forever (more than just a poem)

46 & 2 Join in my Join in my child And listen, digging through My old numb shadow My shadow's shedding skin I've been picking Scabs again I'm down, digging through My old muscles looking for a clue I've been crawling on my belly Clearing out what could've been I've been wallowing in my own confused And insecure delusions For a piece to cross me over Or a word to guide me in I want to feel the changes coming down I want to know what I've been hiding In my shadow My shadow Change is coming through my shadow My shadow's Shedding skin I've been picking My scabs again Join in my Join in my child Shadow's Closer to meaning I've been crawling on my belly Clearing out what could've been I've been wallowing in my own chaotic Insecure delusions I wanna feel the change consume me Feel the outside turning in I wanna feel the metamorphosis and Cleansing I've endured in My shadow My shadow Change is coming Now is my time Listen to my muscle memory Contemplate what I've been clinging to Forty six and two ahead of me I choose to live and to Grow, take and give and to Move, learn and love and to Cry, kill and die and to Be paranoid and to Lie, hate and fear and to Do what it takes to move through I choose to live and to Lie, kill and give and to Die, learn and love and to Do what it takes to step through See my shadow changing Stretching up and over me Soften this old armor Hoping I can clear the way by Stepping through my shadow Coming out the other side Step into the shadow Forty six and two are just ahead of me

First day was smooth as butter. Barely got tired. Coworkers are cool and kind. Some are quite attractive, too. I love how fancy the place is. I feel very classy. Love how I can practice true politeness. Etiquette. I carry myself like a million bucks. Much charisma. Charm. Nice dress code, too. It kinda surprised me how good the tips were. But really, I should not be surprised, at all. These qualities attract money, big time. Tomorrow; there is another 12 hour shift ahead of me. Feeling quite motivated. On track. In time. I know why I'm doing this and where it's leading me. At least, that's what the script says.

On my way to work. First day, working a 12 hour shift. Planning on working double shifts for some time now. From 10 to 14 hours a day. Let me make this perfectly clear; There is absolutely no way I'd do this if I was financially independent. The only reason I'm grinding now, is because I need that money to invest it into my LP. In a sense; this is completely against my authentic self. My soul, even. There is nothing fruitful in it, besides the money. So it's not like I'm too happy about it. But there is no other way. I'll try my best to make this transition as smooth as possible. And hopefully, in six months or so; I'm out the door, never to look back.

The Pain Of Loss

BELIEVE Do you believe what some might say can't be could be reality Let seven be the one for me; six chapters of life laced with mystery Awaiting discovery Immune you become a war to be won the soul of a voice Let the voice of the soul be free For most it does not come easily For some it comes with pain From a thought to a living sight For some it's a life for some a game There are things in life worth fighting for And some things are better off let go A dream secured long ago or yesterday Close to the top there's no looking down When you believe Do you believe? If you believe You must believe! If I was paid for disappointments I would be a wealthy man The magic lives in sincerity, in truth Behind the thoughts I choose to stand Awaiting discovery

@RickyFitts Haha! That's hilarious To me, foxes are absolutely beautiful creatures. And even more so: wolves. I wanna say I'd absolutely love to have one as a pet, but I don't really resonate with the word... So I'll say; I'd absolutely love to have a fox or a wolf as a long-term companion

Indeed! When it's all silent and still.

The question has been in the back of my mind for a while. And it remains unanswered. Clearly, these walls are not solid. Nothing is. It's so obvious to me: everything is vibrating. All the time. But why? Why is Light flickering? It's like someone is turning the switch on and off, non-stop. Nearly at the speed of light. It takes a very well-trained 'eye' to notice. Something tells me; it has something to do with the whole 'I am - I am not' thingy. It's like, as soon as I notice that I am: I am not. It happens so fast it could be said it does not even occur. I wanna say it's a paradox, almost like an error, but it cannot be. Clearly, it's Infinite Intelligence. So beautiful. So terrifying. Anyone here knows something I don't?

I had 2+ hours before my bus to Italy was departing, so I went to a nearby shopping center, and you know what I did? I sat down in one of those massage chairs and completely disappeared. It was the best decision ever. I don't think I've been massaged this good ever before. Let alone by a machine haha! Really surprised me. I always thought these things were lame. Felt so damn good. I could sit there for hours. My body craves it, bad. Gotta pay that visit to a real massage therapist, very soon!

@Carl-Richard Beautiful! Love how the riff flows and does not repeat too soon. Epic stuff! @EmptyVase Awesome beat! That drop was sick! I like how you shifted from a bright to a darker vibe. Very cool! Keep em coming people!

@RickyFitts Thanks! You should have seen when a few years ago the same thing happened, but with two foxes. It was one of the most magical experiences I've ever had. One fox got scared and distanced itself quickly... but the other one was quite curious, and came very close to me. Did not pet it, but I talked to it for quite some time. It was a beautiful energetic dance. I went home in utter disbelief that night. Then, some years later, another fox was following me through a park, way past midnight... it was just a few steps behind me. Animals are so damn awesome. Pure magic. Divinity.