ivankiss

Warning: Complete Transparency! I go deep into detail here! I definitely need to reflect a bit on this and then make some decisions. Writing things down should help. I'm not just telling a sex story here. I'm also trying to understand why I do certain things, how I see and interpret things, how I relate, etc. It's just life. Build - up On that night, I remember sitting in my car, in front of the building where I live, smoking a joint and thinking about weather I should call Serbian beauty, or not. We were kinda supposed to meet anyways, but I actually wanted to reschedule. Was not feeling like it. So I call her around 10, to tell her that. But as soon as she answers, she puts me on the speaker, and I hear a guy I know from before yelling in the background. They both insisted that I come and join them. It was a small birthday party actually. Fuck. I knew I was risking falling into a trap like this by calling her. I really did not feel like hanging out. I wanted to go to bed earlier that night. I had to go and try out a new job the next day. But I said fuck it. And I went anyways. There were only four of them in the apartment. Serbian beauty, that dude and a lesbian couple. One of those girls is who's birthday it was. I arrive and am welcomed by the guy. He opened the door for me. We greet like two really good friends that did not see each other for a long time. Which is kinda true, but also not really. We had a few nice experiences together in the past, and we did bond quite a bit, but all in all, we saw each-other maybe 3 or 4 times in total. So, there's still this kind of 'stranger' vibe present. We enter the living area, where I see Serbian beauty sitting on the couch and putting on some music on this absolutely gigantic TV lol. The room is very nice and warm, plenty of food and drinks on the table. We say hi and I sit right next to her. The dude sits on a chair across the coffee table. That lesbian couple was already in the bedroom, sleeping. They were actually all drinking and hanging out for several hours before I came. So it's just the three of us. But also, one absolutely adorable puppy and two very cool cats. They were putting on a show non stop. My heart was melting around that dog, obviously. We bonded instantaneously. So we fool around with these animals, we talk, we drink, we eat, we listen to music. Very nice and casual fun times. I thought I was going to have troubles with expressing myself, or that it will get weird or uncomfortable, but that wasn't the case, really. It was pretty much just very pleasant throughout. Serbian beauty wanted to play 'activity' on some point, and fuck man, those kinds of games are really not my thing, but somehow I actually ended up enjoying it. It was fun. Here and there I would say something to catch her attention, or poke her a bit. I'd also slowly scratch and gently massage her back. At one point, while I was massaging her, she actually yells: 'yes, keep going, I'm cumming!' Haha! Me and that dude both give each-other the look. She was clearly being funny, but just the fact that she said those words, made us both go there in our heads lol. I tried to leave after two beers and one joint, but they wouldn't let me, ofcourse. And yes, in the back of my mind, I'm still kinda counting on fucking Serbian beauty tonight. I cannot help it. So I stay. This dude has been friendzoned by her for quite a while now. I mean, it's very obvious he'd fuck her or even date or marry her lol. If only she was open for it. But it's too late already, I think. She sees him as a 'brother'. And that's kinda the role he plays. I'm pretty sure they never fucked. But he knows I already fucked her before. And he's probably aware enough to see that we hooked up again. Maybe it bothers him, maybe not. I did not notice anything weird so far. He's not being competitive, jealous or anything like that. So I drink two more beers and we hang out a bit more. It was getting late. Serbian beauty asked me if I can drop her off at her place. I was counting on that, of course. We finally leave around 3 in the morning. It was ridiculously cold outside. We were shaking like mad until my car warmed up a bit. Straight to her place. And this is the not so cool part of the story. We arrive in front of her building and I ask if she wants to smoke one more joint upstairs. I pretty much invited myself up lol. She says she's down. So I'm already driving kinda drunk and high, which is very not cool, but nothing went wrong until I tried to find a parking spot in front of her building. I had to turn around on this weird ass, tiny little road, and I ended up severing my right tire against the sidewalk. Fucking hell man. Seriously? I have a fucking flat tire now? I have to change the damn thing, first thing in the morning. I already had like only 3 or 4 hours of sleep if I was going to make it to that job, and now this? Fucking shit. Haha! I pretty much knew I was not going to be making it to that job, right there, right then. Some shock, but we still kinda laugh it off, shake it off, and head upstairs to her apartment. We smoke a joint and talk a bit more. The idea was that I'd sleep at her place for a couple of hours, fix the tire when I wake up and then go to that job. Wa finally lay down to sleep around 4 or 5 in the morning. I was tired and bit nervous, but I still wanted to fuck her lol. I mean, she's laying just inches away from me, wearing barely anything. I could not afford wasting the opportunity. CLIMAX We're both laying on our sides. She's turning her back on me. And ass. The thought of that immediately starts waking up my cock. I reach out and again start slowly and gently scratching and rubbing her back. I don't remember how exactly it happened, but soon she moved all the way back and against my body. Pressing her ass directly against my dick. My arms are all over her now. I'm loving every second of it. Especially when I'm grabbing on that perfect squishy little round butt. My fingers find their way to her pussy. I lose no time, I slip her panties aside and start circling her clit. She starts twisting and turning. Our lips finally connect and we start making out wild. It feels so good. So right. She's a bit more expressive now. She's moaning more freely. But still mostly holding the experience very inwardly, to her self. She's both completely zoned out and totally immersed. Connected and responsive. But does not initiate anything or pulls into a direction on her own. She's pretty much completely surrendered to the ride. And it's up to me to drive. She was close to cuming constantly, but again, did not actually cum. It almost seems like she does not want to give it to herself, for whatever reason. I slide my pants down, spit on my fingers and spread it on her pussy and my tip. We start fucking wild and hot in this spooning position. It's great. I don't have to work too hard, or hold my body in weird ass positions. My fingers are pretty much constantly on her pussy. We are making out a lot. I'm hitting hard from behind. She moans more and more. She's really starting to get into it. My mind is doing backflips already. It's so fucking good. I cannot believe how beautiful her body is and how good we're fucking. We clicked instantaneously, on a sexual level. That's not something that happens with everyone. Our bodies started wrapping around each other. She is laying on her back now, I'm still on my side. It's such a great angle to enter her. We are fucking hard like animals, but somehow it also feels like were making love. It's wild, untamed and primal, but there's also something deeper and warmer about it. At one point, she kinda surprises me. She starts playing this game... like she's trying to get away from me while I was trying to hold her down and fuck the crap out of her. It was tricky to read, I could've thought she just wanted to stop or something, but I felt she wanted to fuck. She just wanted to play a bit. So I start playing along. The more I am trying to hold her down, the more she's trying to pull away. And the less space she had and the stronger I was coming onto her, the more she was being turned on. She is loving the shit out it, I can tell. I was a bit caught off guard, but I'm definitely enjoying it too. I wrap my one arm around both of her legs, seal them real tight and pull them in real close to me. She cannot move them now. Her ass and pussy all open and exposed, just for my hard pulsing dick. I'm holding her down strong. My other hand is free to play. Grabbing her butt, pulling on her hair, choking her, etc. She absolutely loves it when I grab her neck. This girl is clearly very into being dominated. I push things a bit further, just to test the limits, and my middle finger slips into her ass. And oh yes. She likes it. We're still kinda playing the game, she's trying to escape, I'm not letting her. I am fingering her ass, fucking her pussy and circling her clit all at the same time. She starts going totally nuts. Twisting and turning in ecstasy. Somehow, I end up on top of her. Holding her legs up with my arms. Trapping her again. Now we really go full on with the game. She's trying real hard to escape. I'm fucking her like a wild beast. She's moving left and right and up and down, but she does not have too much space. Barely a few inches. We are doing it hard and nasty. We are making out. Pulling and grabbing on each other... It's pretty obvious she has a rape fantasy, or something along those lines. The idea of being overpowered clearly turns her on. She loves being held down and fucked hard. At some point, I pull out and move up to put my dick in her mouth. I don't really know why. Fucking her was great, but I guess I wanted her to suck me too. She starts sucking, her hair in my hand. I'm playing with it, pulling on it. And then, after a few seconds, she stops and says that her mouth is just too dry and she needs to drink some water. I was thirsty too. So I get up and go get some water. At this point it was already past 6 in the morning. And we did not sleep a minute. Fuck. It was clear that we cannot go for a round two. We had to sleep. We were both too exhausted. And had shit to do later. Again, I did not cum. And neither did she. Fuck! The sex itself was out of this world good, but we stopped abruptly and we did not go all the way. Maybe I should always count on quickies only with her. 15 to 20 min and that's it. I cum. Maybe she's just not a girl for long sex sessions lol. Getting her to cum is another thing, but I'm pretty sure that won't be an issue either, if we keep having sex. So we fall asleep. 3 or 4 hours later, I wake up first, and with a boner. All I could think of was fucking her. I really, really wanted a quickie. But I kept holding back. I did not make a move. It just did not seem appropriate. I knew there was a big chance she'd say no, or that we don't have time, or whatever. And indeed, the first thing that she said when she woke up, is that she has a headache and that she's hungover af. Makes sense. She drank way more than I did. And we barely slept. So yeah, good call. We talked a bit, had some coffee and then I left. Changed the tire, right there in front of her building. It took me about 30 minutes, wasn't too bad. I was already late for that job, so I said fuck it, looks like it's not destined, and I did not go. Gotta find a new job now lol. After - thoughts: Oh this girl is trouble alright. It's not the first time shit went down while I was around her. Just because I was trying to have sex with her lol. I definitely need to be careful. I don't want to make this thing to be too frequent. I really have no interest in hanging out with her or her friends too often. I'm pretty much in it just for the sex. Here and there some casual hanging out is cool, but I'm not looking to be close friends with them or anything. We really don't have too much in common. Also; I'm slipping into this 'badass guy' role when I'm around her. I'm crossing boundaries and I can easily get carried away. I've done it before. It's not cool. I'm looking for calmer waters, that's for sure. And Serbian beauty is definitely not that. She's a wild river. Kinda dangerous. A hot mess. I'm attracted to that spark, that badass spirit, that rebellious attitude and whatnot, but it's too chaotic to be around too often. It can be a very fun and memorable experience, but it can also come with shitty consequences. I'm seeing her now as a short term solution. An 'every now and then' type of deal.

And it happened again. I slept over at her place. The night was wild as fuck. About to leave now.

Warning: Complete Transparency! I go deep into detail here! It finally happened. After three months or so without any action, I finally made a move. Had sex with none other than Serbian beauty, last night, in her apartment. I'm still somewhat unsure about continuing with this journal, but what the heck, let's see what comes out. Build - up Since I arrived back to MB, Serbian beauty has been hitting me up pretty consistently. She needed little favors and whatnot, and she also just wanted to hang out and smoke weed. It was different, because in the past, there were always some people around us. It was never just me and her in a room, from start to finish. I had thoughts about her maybe wanting to friend zone me, hard and quick. I know girls like that. They love having a few dudes always hanging around. Always on high alert. Ready to jump when they need something. But they do not fuck those guys, obviously. Or if they do, it's very rarely... With little dude out of the picture, it made sense that she needed someone new who she could 'rely on'. So yeah, in my mind, I'm like, I can't let that happen. She's pulling me in fast, and unless I let her know clearly what it is that I want from her, she's gonna lock me into a zone. But on the other hand, we already fucked before. So in a sense, I separated myself from the rest, right away. I just needed to make a move, that's all. The longer I waited, the closer to friendzone I was getting. She invited me to her place to smoke weed on three different occasions. The first night, obviously, it was too soon. I have just arrived. My mind was all over the place. And I also did not want to come off as too aggressive or anything. Clearly, I have been thinking of having sex with her since day one in MB, but I was waiting for the right moment to take action. The second night I came to her place, the timing was still not quite there yet. She was in the middle of cleaning her apartment and seemed stressed because of some shit. And I was still very much in my head, getting used to being here, etc. So it was just some casual, friendly hanging out. No real sexual tension. No flirting or anything. But, there was some subconscious attraction going on, that's for sure. On the third night, which was last night, when she invited me to her place again, I knew I had to make a move. In a sense, it would be weird if I did not. I mean, the girl is inviting me to her place, at midnight, to smoke weed and hang out. If that's not the perfect setting, I don't know what is. It was clearly a sign. And I could not afford wasting the opportunity. I'm far from being on the top of my game these days. I'm definitely in no hunt mode. It's just that time of the year, I guess. I don't really feel like going out there and getting some. So in a sense, the fact that Serbian beauty is doing those 'first steps' instead of me, is fucking great. She's basically laying everything out. I just need to show up and be clear about my intentions. But, I knew she wouldn't make the first step, when it comes to sex. She would not elevate things to that sexual level on her own. It was on me to make it happen. A bit tricky, because we're kinda locked in this overly friendly vibe, acting like bros and whatnot. Very unsexy vibes. Don't get me wrong, it's still nice and very enjoyable, it's just that there is no sexual tension or any kind of romance in the air. It's two friends hanging out, smoking weed and talking about life. Nothing too hot about it. I did not see a clear picture in my mind. I wasn't sure how I was going to break out of that box and spice things up. So I said to myself, I'll just improvise something along the way. I'll just casually take a turn in that direction, at some point of the night. So that's what was going on 'internally' , or 'behind the scenes' - if you will. And here's how it played out... I arrive to her place around midnight. I'm surprised to enter a very pleasant atmosphere. It was warm and cosy. Peaceful. Not the kind of vibe I'm used to in her apartment. Everything is nice and clean and at its place. A few candles burning. And she... She is sitting on the couch, scrolling on her phone, wearing nothing but a slightly oversized t-shirt and some cute little panties. My eyes immediately land on her smooth, naked knees. I mean, her skin is just absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful legs. And the way she's sitting there, looking all small and innocent, yet at the same time burning like a thousand suns... it's as hot as it gets. I smile and I greet her. Entering the living area. Playing it cool. Relaxed. Although the animal inside me wants to jump on her mercilessly and immediately, I know I cannot just do that. I'm still not entirely sure if she wants to fuck me, or has something else on her mind. So I roll a joint and sit next to her on the couch. We start talking about everything. Relationships, exes, friends, family, work, goals and ambitions, life in general... Feels pretty damn good. Time is flying by fast. We definitely communicate nice and clear. We're not always exactly on the same wavelength, some things fly over our heads, or remain unheard, but it's not causing any real trouble. Our conversation keeps flowing smoothly. The vibe is good. We are coming from two different worlds, and are heading towards two different destinations, that's for sure. But for some reason, our paths are now crossing. We are a very good match in this phase, no doubt about it. Although we are talking about relationships and even a bit about sex, I still do not bring the frame onto us. I knew that was not the way to go about it. Not with this girl. I did not want to just ask her straight about being fuck buddies or anything like that. That seemed like a lame move. I had to be more confident and determined. Not asking anything, just acting. Taking control. Making it happen. She's just not the type of girl you make an agreement or a contract with before having sex lol. It has to be spontaneous. You have to build a momentum and then just do it. Talking about it beforehand would somehow take away from the rawness and realness of the experience. So we're having a good time, right... Smoking some more, joking and laughing, but also going into more serious, deep talk. The contrast is nice. It's not monotonous. We are both enjoying the ride. I'm half sitting half laying on the couch, just inches away from her, feeling comfortable and relaxed. Maybe even a bit too relaxed. We are high as fuck at this point. Everything slows down, significantly. I'm still in no beast mode, but every now and then I find my eyes landing on her thighs, and my mind starts entertaining the idea. I knew I had to take action, any moment now. She starts showing me some music videos on her phone, so I take the opportunity to move in real close to her and start heating things up. And this is where things finally start turning sexual. CLIMAX We're both kinda half in half out of what's going on the screen of her phone. At this point we both knew it was about go down. We could both feel it. It was inevitable. A few giggles and whispers, and I start gently moving my fingers up an down her arm. Finally, a physical contact is established. She seems receptive. Does not get uncomfortable or anything. My fingers soon travel down to her naked thighs, and our blood starts boiling. I lean in for a kiss. Wow. There's definitely something very special about making out with her. Passion is undeniable. It's so obvious we want each other. We are both leaning in hard. Our bodies filled with desire. My hands are now everywhere. Playing with her hair, grabbing her hips and butt, massaging her tummy, her thighs... I'm slipping into full on admiration and exploration of this absolutely beautiful girl that's in front of me. I am scanning every inch of her body with my touch. Really feeling into her. Getting a sense of her pull. Her gravity. It's amazing. Everything I've been dreaming of for the past few months, in one package. Better yet, the full package, period. Nothing to distract us or limit our time together. The road is clear, the lights are green. No speed limit. My fingers start playing with her pussy. I mean, it's just the cutest little thing, ever. So juicy. So delicate. So yummy. She's is starting to enjoy herself a lot, I can tell. Her head tilts back, she closes her eyes. I'm kissing her neck and shoulders. My fingers circling her clit. I know she's in deep. But she's definitely not a girl that's too expressive, loud or vocal during sex. Not too much noise. A moan or two, here and there. She's just more of a silent type. I have nothing against it. In fact, I'd even prefer that over some girl that's far too loud and noisy. That can be a bit of a turn off. We make out a bit more like this, and then I pull her down. She's laying on her back, her legs up in the air. I reach under her butt and slowly pull her cute, little pink panties up. Off they go. This girl is just ridiculously spot on my type. She's so light and fragile and cute, but also sporty and tight and badass. Absolutely out of this world, beautiful, round butt. Small but heavenly cute little titties. And her pussy is like the juiciest cherry on top of the cake. She's all shaved. It's so clean and fresh looking. I cannot help myself. I dive in to eat her out, grabbing on her thighs and butt cheeks. Yes. Fucking fuck hell yes. I needed this so bad. Some pussy in my face. It feels so right. I'm not holding back, at all. I'm really getting in there. Kissing her thighs and tummy and ribs. And then back to eating her out. Playing with those most beautiful little delicate pussy lips. Licking all the way up, all the way down. Occasionally slipping my tongue inside of her. Sucking on her little clit. She is clearly deep in a trance. Her head buried deep down in the pillow, hair covering her face, eyes closed. Grabbing onto any she can grab a hold of. The pillows, the couch, my arms, my hair... She was very close, I could tell, but I knew she would not cum right away, just like that. I know she's not ready to open up and surrender that deep, this fast. So there are some blockages, let's say, and that's alright. All natural. I'm not going to waste too much time on trying to get her there.. it could become awkward. So I pull my head up from between her legs, and slide my pants down. I'm on my knees, in front of the couch. She's laying on her back, in front of me. Her legs spread apart and touching the floor. Her ass in the air. Smooth and clean access. My dick is hard as a rock and ready. A few jerks on her clit with the tip, some spit, and I enter her hard and deep. She feels a bit contracted and tense on the inside at first, but relaxes and opens up pretty fast. I'm going in with a lot of force. I could tell right away she likes it rough. She's not exactly the type of girl you have slow spiritual sex with. It's more just like, raw passion and desire. There's something very real and wild to it. But nothing too spiritual about it lol. I ain't complaining though. I'm more than satisfied. What's going on is perfect, no matter how you slice it. We're doing it real hard. I'm grabbing on her cutest little juicy ass. Her thighs. Her hips. She loves it when I grab her real tight, around her waist, and just go full on beast mode. She loves being locked in. Definitely a very, very submissive girl. But, one that requires you to know how to dominate. She loves to feel your power. I'm fucking her in this weird, half hanging, half kneeling missionary position for some time. At some point, I pull her legs up and put them on my shoulders. My God. The way her ass fits just so perfectly in my hands. The way I was going in from just the perfect angle. Absolutely bonkers perfection. We make out, we fuck like rabbits, sliding up and down the couch. It's fucking hot as fuck. Like, literally, too. The room heated up way too much. It was getting hard to breathe. We switch the position. I pull her up and position her on the other side of the couch, into doggy style. At first she had her hands free, and her head was up in the air. I am standing right behind her. I decided to take a few moments to appreciate the sheer magnificence of that ass. It was just breath taking. The most beautiful little heart shaped butt. Above her ass, a tattoo that says: Love Me. On her right butt cheek, a tattoo that says: Yes Sir. Fucking hell man. I bury my face deep into that ass. I start licking like savage. My tongue and my lips all over her pussy and ass. She cannot hold back some of those moans. It's very hot. Very raw. And then I enter her once again. From behind. Hard and with a lot of pent up energy, ready to explode. But I quickly realize I can't go maximum force with her. She was struggling to take me that hard in this position. She would lean to one side, so that I was not hitting so directly, so hard. Makes complete sense. She's a very petite girl. But she likes it rough for sure. So I lock into a rhythm. Not too hard, not too soft. Not too fast, not too slow. I am fucking her real good. Grabbing on both of her hands and pulling on them. We are fucking like animals. Soon, her arms go behind her back, head down on the couch and ass way up in the air. I fucking love to see a girl in this position, from this angle. It makes me go crazy. I fuck her some more in this doggy position and then we switch back to the previous. I'm on my knees, she's on her back, her legs on my shoulders. I'm pretty much giving it my all. She soon starts pulling to a side again, indicating that I'm going too hard. A few more strokes and then I just had to take a brake. My heart was about to explode any moment. Mouth dry like a desert. She's pretty much in the same condition. We agree to pause. But I knew right there, right then, that we were not going to be fucking anymore that night. We were both very exhausted and sleepy. And too high. It was around 3 in the morning at this point. So we slowly catch our breaths and calm down a bit. I roll a goodbye joint, we smoke and talk about some random stuff some more, and that's it. I leave her place. Did not text or call her since. After - thoughts: Well, I'm definitely happy I hooked up with Serbian beauty, but it feels like it passed too fast, and I did not get to truly and fully enjoy the experience. It seems like I would need at least four hours of sex with her, to truly fill my cup lol. Not to mention, I did not cum. And neither did she. So we did not really go all the way. Definitely looking forward to hooking up with her again and soon. Sleeping over would be awesome. Then we could go for a full blown marathon. I also definitely need to talk less and take more action. Especially now that I've broken the ice. There is no need to talk so much about all these aspects of life and whatnot. I should minimize that and maximize our time actually spent having sex. Also; still keeping an eye open for anything funny going on in the background, not to fall into a trap. Yes, we can be friends and we can talk and even help each-other. But I am sexually attracted to you. It could never work on a friendship level only. I'd always have to resist that impulse. Without sex, I have little to no interest in being friends. Hopefully we're on the same page.

The one you are looking for does not exist until you become the one you are looking for.

You cannot be too comfortable if you want to move forward fast. Being uncomfortable is a great motivator. It's far easier to lose touch with your vision and passion and purpose, if you get too comfortable. You simply have no reason to strive. I am very much in a transitional phase right now. I am more or less just passing by. Everywhere I go, everything I do, is very, very temporary. I'm sure in the future there will be stations - places where I choose to settle down a bit and forget about moving forward for a while. I'm sure I will even find my true base - the place where I will just feel like I want to stay and create a home in. But while I am on the move and heading fast towards a perceived goal, I simply cannot afford to fully settle down. I must think and work with a different mindset. The type of mindset that says: 'Yeah this is great, and sometimes it's shit, but no matter what it is, I'm only moving through it. I have someplace to get to. A mission to complete.'

One always chooses what one believes to be the most optimal choice available. It's how the system is wired. It all comes down to self-preservation. Survival.

Basically spent the last few days in silence and stillness. I needed a short break from all the noise. The acting, the doing, the playing. I felt paralyzed by choice. Reflected a lot. Looked at things from many different angles, through many different lenses. Waves of fear and doubt, confusion. But also, moments of deep relief, peace and balance. It was a mix of everything. Big 'inner' rearrangements. I am somewhat clear about my next steps, but I cannot deny the sense that there's something holding me back. A part of me doesn't want to move forward. A part of me doesn't want to do anything at all. It's too tired. Overwhelmed and burnt out. It just wants to rest. It's kinda weird, because I clearly need to rest and relax, but at the same time, I have all this pent up energy, ready to explode any moment lol. Can't rush and can't drag. Must be on tempo.

To be honest, I'm not really feeling this journal anymore. I'm not entirely sure about continuing it. Sure, it's fun and everything, but I see how it can fuck with my head, too. It's cool to think of having these stories written down, to come back and to reflect, to see deeper meaning and beauty... but I don't want to force anything. I don't want to seek experience just so I could write a story. The story should tell itself, if indeed it is to be told. I am, in that sense, merely a vessel. An instrument. A channel. A conductor. Not really feeling it, but still doing it, would be swimming against the current. I don't know, and I'm kinda curious and excited to see where it goes.

So... I'm back in MB and so far it's great. I live right next to a student dormitory. There are hot college girls on every step. So that's a big plus. Earlier I met up with J. We had a drink and talked for a solid hour. Very good vibes. But nothing sexual. It was purely on friendship level. I did not want to be pushy or anything. I did not invite her back to my place. Did not mention anything about being fuck buddies again. But of course, I've been thinking about it a lot. It might happen. There's a big chance we'll end up hooking up again. But it's not 100%. I don't want to rush or force anything. Or end up being disappointed. Also; I stopped by Serbian Beauty's workplace today. She was very pleasantly surprised. She said she was thinking about hitting me up these days. She had no clue I'd actually move back here. The vibe was great, even some sexual tension in the air. I could sense she wanted me, beneath the words on the surface. I was very laid back and relaxed. Again; nothing pushy or forceful. Not even flirting. She invited me to her place to smoke some weed, later tonight, when she's done working. Two other cool people should join. Little dude, however, not. Serbian beauty cut him off completely a little while ago. So that's... new. And different. Haha. I'm not sure yet about going. Main reason is; I took a break from weed, and I know I'd be waaay too high after that first puff. It could end up being a very uncomfortable experience. But it could also end up being epic. And I could warm things up with Serbian beauty. Who knows, maybe I'd even score, right away. Will see. For now, I am enjoying my own company, only.

This is the core of your struggle. You don't feel safe. You don't feel safe to truly and fully be as you are. You don't feel safe to feel good about yourself, no matter what happens. You don't know how. You don't feel safe enough to let go. You don't feel safe enough to stand for something. You don't feel safe enough to speak the truth. You don't feel safe enough to hear the truth. You simply don't feel safe. That's it. You constantly feel threatened. Threatened by the whole of reality. Everyone and everything. And that's precisely what keeps the false self-image in your mind alive. It's fear of 'the other'. Fear of 'that thing that's not me and is threatening to my existence'. To be is all there is. And you cannot truly be if you don't feel safe as you are. You cannot fully awaken, reach enlightenment or any of that business. You cannot even get laid. Find safety. All else will follow.

@BipolarGrowth You speak the true-true.

@BipolarGrowth There is no love in fear. Fear is love.

First night: epic win. I could not ask for more. Feeling at home, instantaneously.

@peanutspathtotruth Loved that, thanks. Relaxation really is key. By withdrawing your awareness from anything you perceive to be something other than you. Good one It is amazing. And it is necessary. Not sure about how enjoyable it is though haha! Once I start loving it, it's no longer fear

In Maribor. Man, what a trip to be back haha. My new apartment is cute AF. Smaller than what I had before, but more modern and stylish. Great location, easy access. It's the perfect short term solution. I'm more than satisfied. Now, let's see where the story goes... 'No man ever steps in the same river twice. For it's not the same river and he's not the same man.'

Hey @ZenRising I approached zero girls while staying in Italy. Was not in the mood. But generally, yes, I love approaching in English. I even prefer it over other languages I speak. Had great success in Portugal, a few years ago. Good luck on your journey.

@Ineedanswers Nope, I just always knew my way around girls.

Yes, regarding this, I feel like I'm lagging, quite a bit. I can be much more 'in time'. Much more here and now. There is no need to script so far into the distance. It can be much more direct and precise. Effortless and magical. Let's see what happens...

Unexpected turn of events: I'm taking the story back to Maribor, Slovenia. Lol. Yup. I do that sometimes... I can be very unpredictable, spontaneous, impulsive... I came to Italy just like that, out of the blue, and I'm leaving just like that, out of the blue. There is not too much reasoning behind the decision. I simply don't feel like staying any longer. I also already achieved most of the things I wanted to achieve by coming here. There's just something about MB that clicks on a deeper level. I'm sure I could have a great life in Italy too, if I was to integrate fully into the environment, but it would take me too long to fully settle in. Longer than I'm willing to stay. So yeah, I was very much a tourist here, during this period. Not how I usually move around. I'm also hitting the breaks a bit regarding Asia. I'm not scratching the idea completely.. It still seems appealing, and I am looking forward to doing that somewhere down the line. But now it just doesn't seem like the right choice. Something's a bit off. It would be kinda forced. Too shaky and uncertain. The good thing is, that it's now always an available option. It's not outside of my reach anymore. I simply sell the car, add a bit to that amount, and that's it, that's enough money to secure me a safe and comfortable transition to Asia. So yeah... the option is there, it's just about me truly feeling it or not. The main reason I'm hesitant about it, is because I'm not where I want to be with trading just yet. And without that, moving to the other side of the globe just doesn't make sense. Soon enough I'd ran out of money and I'd have to return to working 9 to 5. Instead of being able to stay as long as I want, and go wherever I want from there. So yeah. Must fully master trading before making those big jumps. And until that happens, staying in MB seems like the best option. Leaving tomorrow, or the day after.

@Ineedanswers Lol, no haha. I said I had sex that many times. Not with that many girls. I'm not such a whore haha. I slept with 30+ girls, nothing too wild. It's just that it has been very consistent. To answer your question tho, there are times in life when picking up girls, dating, etc is just not the right thing to do. I was too focused on other stuff, and I had no time, space or energy for girls. However, that period is coming to an end now - I feel.

Still working on that first single. Still absolutely in love with it. I like how the process is not forced. I let it come to me. I adjust to it. I give it time to unfold. It could be said, that I'm allowing the song to write itself. It's nearly done now. I have it all written down, note for note, for all instruments. But I kinda hit a wall at the guitar solo part lol. I don't want just a random solo, for the sake of there being a solo... I want something a bit special and different than what I used to do. I want it to be the cherry on the top of this cake. Playing around with it tonight. Towards the end of the solo, I'm feeling a spacey arpeggio section, which would then dissolve into the climax of the song. Pretty sure I'll go with it. Here's the idea for it, real quick: diminished arp thingy

Whenever you are facing adversity, whenever things seem to work against you, ask yourself: 'how is this perfect?' You don't have to pretend like you see it, nor do you have to seek for it. You just have to be truly curious. Really feel into that question. Keep asking, over and over again. You will not get an answer. But you might just become directly conscious of how perfect everything is. How literally everything is only assisting you in your highest evolution and greatest transformation. Not a single thing happens without it being meant to help you. Everything is happening for you to awaken to and out of it. To awaken as the highest you there is. To awaken as All. If it's happening, it's happening not only for a reason and with a specific purpose, but because it is absolutely necessary for it to be happening. It cannot help itself. It is happening because you are unconditionally loved and supported. No matter how dark and heavy it gets, everything is only pointing towards The Light, that you are now. Everything is always perfect. Always has been and always will be. Perfect balance. Reflection. Symmetry. Synchronicity. Alignment. Harmony. Resonance. You cannot help yourself but be utterly perfect. You are so perfect, perfection doesn't even make sense. All the mistakes you perceive, the errors, the unfortunes, the struggle... it's all a work of a mastermind. And it's beautiful. A true masterpiece. You are imagining contrast, so you'd become conscious that there is nothing but Light here. Nothing but perfection.

Thank you all. Here's a few more words that can bring some peace to the mind: You don't have to like it for it to be perfect. You don't have to enjoy it. You don't have to be happy about it, one bit. You don't have to agree with it. You don't have to understand it. You don't have to do one single thing about anything at all. What you do or don't do is already part of the equation. It's already included in the perfection of what is.

@Loba Beautiful, thank you. Here's one that came to mind: PERFECTION Give me just one moment Through the eyes of the one in A picture perfect moment In the life of the one who is Something better, more than Anything I will ever be Give me just one second Just to touch what I'll never own Let me count those feelings Of love that I will never share Show me your compassion In the dark of this world I would give it all For one taste of it Of everything I would give it all To become you Well I finally found out That this world This whole worlds a lie And I'll try I would give it all to become you