ivankiss

This is just too hilarious haha!

Title of the track: 'And So It Is'

This is one of the happiest and most fulfilling days of my life. No doubt about it. Today... I reunited with my long-lost love. It's been more than 4 years since I sold my 8 string, and I've been rocking the acoustic, ever since. I nearly forgot what it's like to play an electric guitar. Let alone an 8 string. Clearly; I feel like God, at the moment. My brand new 8 string came in this morning. The unboxing experience was heaven. I am nearly bursting with gratitude. It's just an outstandingly beautiful guitar. Cannot wait to start making love to it. This journal is very important, too. I aim to go through a period of experimentation now. It's been forever since I've been active on 'the scene' - if you will. I'd like to do things a bit differently this time around. I don't want to just return to my old sound and style. Much has happened in these few years. I am a totally new person. With totally new visions and ideas. I need a new sound. And that means; I must play around a lot. Try out a lot. Fail and cringe a lot... It should be a fun ride. Hopefully; at the end, I'll stumble upon something really special and unique. I'll be posting snippets of music here, different types of tones, ideas for songs, stories, lyrics, etc... Anything that has to do with music. 7 or 8 years ago; my music sounded like this: https://youtu.be/xuaR1sxxuUc - this is one of my most technical and also most successful projects. Lots of math. Lots of heaviness. A lot to love. But, something has been missing. It was not unique enough for me, even back then. I jumped on the whole 'djent' bandwagon, obviously. It was great. I recieved quite some attention. But soon it simply did not tickle my pickle anymore. After that, I started working hard on another huge project. I think it took me around 3 years to write and record the whole album/ep. I was incredibly proud of it. I put my whole soul into it. My whole story. It was much less machine-like. You could feel the heart in it. But, I failed utterly when it came to releasing the thing. Life had other plans with me... I also ruined the whole production, last minute. I was so nervous and burnt out. I just wanted to release the goddamn thing already lol. Needless to say; it never got the recognition it deserved. Nearly no one knows it even exists. The project is called 'Porcelain Safe'. You can check it out here: https://youtu.be/p_EYK5bj_ko While I am very proud of this work, and it's extremely close to the heart - it still doesn't feel quite like 'it'. It is far more unique than 'backward progression' - I'd say... but it's just not what I am now. That style would not mirror me well anymore. There is a lot of heavy, nasty and confusing elements in there. I'd like to make a bit less crazy music now lol. Or so I think... We'll see. I experimented with a lot of different genres in my life. I like to listen to a lot of music. Channeling everything into a single style and sound might be a bit challenging. I'm sticking to prog, that's pretty much for sure. I'm just a prog guy. I like to do unusual things. Mix unusual elements. And also push my limits. What I'm looking for... is that special flavour. My signature. Join me on this journey, if you like. Add your thoughts and views, ideas, criticism, anything. I'm sure it will all benefit me and my process greatly. Rock the fuck on, baby!

And it's freaking done. The song is officially finished, tonight. I mean, I'm sure I'll be doing and adding some tweaks and touches later on, but for now, this is it. All of it. 6:55 minutes of rock solid material. 9 instruments. Lots of colors and cool dynamics. It took me more than 3 months to write down this beast. It was a rollercoaster, to say the least. I went through all kinds of shit in that period, and it somehow translated into this song. I'm more than happy and satisfied with the final product. Even though it's not actually final, just yet. Next step is recording. And that is going to take some more time - I imagine. Right now I do not have all the stuff I need to make it happen. But, I'm working on it, steadily. All in all; things are looking awesome, musically speaking. My new sound/style is one step closer to fully coming to life. Beautiful.

We shared quite a few nice moments on here. He seemed like a very cool, joyful and loving guy. I loved interacting with him. I did not know him irl, but man, it's so hard to believe... My condolences to his family and loved ones. Much love and respect.

@somegirl Samo kad sam nice guy haha! Od srca fala, pozić!

@somegirl I see what you mean, and it's kinda flattering, so thanks haha. There is definitely some true to that. I absolutely love women, and more often than not, things indeed flow quite effortlessly. It just kinda happens on its own. But, as I mentioned a few times here already, this is just a phase I'm going through now. And it's all kinda new and strange to me. I was jumping from relationship to relationship for the past ten years. Being committed to just one woman, one relationship, is not alien to me. In fact; I prefer one over the many. It's just that I want to be single for some time now. And during that period, I'm free to play around, explore and experiment, as much as I want. I really want to meet a girl that I'd fall hopelessly in love with, and forget that other women even exist... but something tells me, that's not going to happen anytime soon. It's a few more chapters ahead.

Well, the night is kinda funny.. I made out with V, hang out in a bar and flirted with a bonkers hot redhead, and now I'm at some random cool dude's place, about to go to Serbian Beauty's place soon. Wat

One thing led to another and.. V and I are back in touch. We texted earlier. She had no clue I was gone even, let alone that I'm back. We stopped talking a while ago. Not gonna lie, I'd really like to hook up with her again. I've been craving something a bit curvier these days... Sometimes bigger girls turn me on, a lot. And V has this amazing phat juicy ass, and absolutely gigantic boobs. Not to mention that you can really go all crazy with her. She said she's too tired tonight, but she's down for a movie night one of these days. Let's see.

And here it is... Closure. J and I talked last night. It was very nice and heartfelt. Real and honest. Direct. Basically, my assumption turned out to be true. She's seeing another guy. And the way things look, it's likely to turn into something more serious. I wasn't surprised at all. I think she turned 29 recently. It makes sense she's not looking to fool around anymore and wants to settle down. I honestly hope she found herself the right guy. She's truly an amazing girl. Has a lot to offer. We both expressed how grateful we are for the experience we had, how fun and beautiful it was, etc. We will both keep those memories in a special place in our hearts. And that's it, I guess. This is an official goodbye to J. Looks like @Hulia 's wish came true, after all haha! J found herself a good man for a serious relationship. You win! Haha! All jokes aside... It was truly magical, and I cannot lie, I really wanted us to hook up again, but it's like deep down I knew all along it wouldn't happen. It remains to be an epic little summer adventure. Short and sweet. I'm not too bummed out or anything. J was definitely something very special and unique, but so is every other girl, in her own way. I'm certain I will click with someone else in the future, similarly, or even much deeper. She still wants to grab a coffee here and there and whatnot, and idk, maybe I'd be down for it, once in a blue moon. But I'm leaning more towards not. I must keep my priorities tight and straight. I cannot lie to myself or her. I simply have no real interest in hanging out if we're not hooking up. I think it's only fair that I stay true to how I really feel. Goodbye J. May your heart find everything it seeks. Much love.

@Etherial Cat Thanks If you don't mind... I remember you once saying this: What are you thoughts now? You think we managed to keep it smooth and chill throughout? Is a healthy fwb relationship possible? Serbian beauty is another good example. We had sex multiple times, I spent 3 months away, came back, and we're still good. No one got hurt, everyone seems happy and satisfied. Is that possible? Or am I not seeing something?

@Etherial Cat Maybe. And maybe I feel something a bit more towards her than just wanting to have sex, too. But I know a relationship is not a smart idea.

Caught up with Serbian beauty last night, briefly. Some nice, playful vibes. A bit of flirting. But, I did not end up going back to her place. She was all drained from some party she attended the previous night. And I wasn't really feeling it either, to be honest. She mentioned something about hanging out at her place these days, maybe it happens, maybe not. I won't put too much effort into it. Because, as I mentioned, I feel like I can find a better match. Serbian beauty is spontaneous fun, here and there. She's definitely no reliable fuck buddy material lol. Another interesting thing is, J texted me yesterday, after three or so weeks of silence. I was pleasantly surprised. Kinda thought she did not want to keep in touch anymore. Last time we met, she mentioned she's texting some guy. So I assumed I did not fit into the picture. But I might have been wrong. I'm not sure yet where things are going, but I will find out very soon. Have no time to fool around for too long. She proposed another drink, and that's cool, but again, I must let her know that I see her as more. That I am sexually attracted to her and that I want her in my bed. As opposed to Serbian beauty, J actually is the kind of girl you'd sit down with and communicate things directly. I must let her know that I want her. Will see where things go from there. I mean, it would be a pity if we did not end up hooking up again. Those long summer nights that we spent together were absolutely out of this world perfect. Totally magical. I see no reason why we should not repeat. Besides that, not much is happening currently. As I said, I don't really feel like dating or chasing girls around right now. With these two girls, things kinda started happening on their own. I barely had to show any effort. So I'm kinda rolling with it. And so far I like it very much. When I do decide to be more active though, there will be no shortage of opportunities. There are hot girls on every step. And they're not going anywhere. I can join the playground any time. No rush.

Last night was magic. Divine orchestration. Perfect timing. As soon as I let go and made peace with things not exactly going the way I wanted; everything flipped last minute, and it all worked out perfectly. It's not the first time I experienced this. It's like my faith is being tested or something lol. My letting go muscles are being exercised. Everything always works out. All is well.

I've been led to a source of information that challenged my current perspective on manifestation. I think the process can be much more effortless, easy and joyful, than I previously understood. Essentially; I will be writing/telling my own story here. The purpose of doing this, is to create, or, align with a desired reality, and in that process master 'my manifestation skills'. Master thought, visualisation, focus, and more. The benefits are endless. Also; it should be hella fun. I'm starting with a completely blank canvas - if you will. Everything will be designed from scratch.

The deeper I go the scarier and crazier it gets. And I'm not even going, really. It's pulling me in. I am unfolding with it. Want it or not. Sometimes I cannot blink without it being a conscious choice. I cannot breathe unless it is done deliberately, on purpose. Some of you might know what I'm talking about. All that stuff that once was happening unconsciously, for you, all of the sudden, is now happening at will. Or it ain't happening at all. And that, is fucking scary. Your stomach digesting the food you ate? You're doing that, too. The same way you prepared that meal. The wind blowing against your back? You're doing that as well. The Sun shining? Yup. It's you. And the scariest thing of it all, is: you cannot look away. No matter how hard you try. You're here. It's here. And there is nothing behind you. Nowhere to go. Yes, realizing Oneness and God is all nice and cool. But being God is something totally else. And it's freakin' terrifying. Anyone who says it's not, is not actually waking up. Just fantasizing. Not to mention the fact that there's a huge chance you'll lose everything and your life will fall apart, right before your eyes, if you go all the way. It's not all meditation and chill on your couch. This shit is real. It will come for everything you got. At least that's what happened to me. And many more high masters that I deeply respect and trust. Be careful. Take care of yourself. And take a lot of breaks. Don't flirt with insanity or death too much, too often. Be gentle with yourself. If you think awakening is all flowers and butterflies, you are very, very wrong. In fact; most of the time, it's the complete opposite. That's what's real. Being is absolutely beautiful and lovely. Ineffable. But you are not actually being. Not fully. Not even nearly. Getting there is not a walk in a park. Being 100% conscious of your infinitude is no joke. Some would rather die a horrible death, than to 'experience' infinite consciousness, trust me. Be grateful you can feel the sting. Be grateful you're not quite there yet and that it's taking a lot of time. You could not handle it all at once. No one can.

The Sun is shining on me. It feels amazing. I sit and do nothing, for quite some time. I enjoy a moment of not knowing anything at all. Not being anyone. Not doing anything. Not trying to get anywhere or achieve anything. I sit here completely untouched by any label, role, purpose or meaning. I have no idea what any of this is. I don't know what's happening with me or around me. In this moment, I don't really care. The Sun is shining so nice. As soon as I let go and detach, a lot of things fall into their place on their own, and the picture becomes clearer. I've been embracing a lot of change, and a part of me is kinda struggling to grab a hold of something, anything, that it could recognize and identify with. Something familiar, something known, something that represents home. I am aware that this is going on, and there's not much I can do about it. Other than breathing my way through it. Change is good, and it's what I signed up for, so to speak. It's a game I want to play. Ultimately, everything that seems to be strange, alien or unknown, can only end up being discovered and recognized as the one and only Self. Because, there is nothing but it. It's just disguised as 'something else'. Or 'something unknown'. I know this deep down, and it helps, but still, life does not care about what you know. It just keeps going and going. What you know, you must demonstrate by participating. By being that intelligence, right here and right now. That's where things get very real.

Nope. I never do that.

PROXY I'm a surrogate I'm archetypal and itinerant I'm your excuse to long For a superior I will undertake I will overcome Imperfection you will find Look close enough Tear off the mask I need This endeavor is not mine You subject me to the daggers you conceive I'm stronger than I was before Thus you reinforce these walls I can't fight you anymore Threatened by the open door All the chances I ignore I can't stand still anymore The day is done Nothing left to say Resting head in hands Wishing I had known my place To take a stand The errand of a fool I'm not to reprimand I'm here to help you through Is nothing like it seems? Living in this sequence, a dream Is nothing like it seems? Gather broken shards of self esteem

Wow. These past three weeks were profound. It was basically a nice little retreat. Much needed. I came to value time spent on my own so much more. Peace and privacy. No disturbance. Silence. Solitude. It's super important to me. Looks like everything is adjusting to that. I'm really being given the time and the space I need. The opportunities I need. The support I need. Everything I need to make it happen. To create that dream life. I see all the confirmations, and I'm very grateful. But I cannot help myself, I keep obsessing about the future. I keep reaching out to this ideal picture in my mind. Planning my next move. It could be said, that that passion, that obsession, is exactly what's going to get me there. Super-focus. Super-acceleration. You simply have to disconnect from anything that has nothing to do with your vision. It does not exist to you. What exists, is you, a vision and a path that gets you there. On this path there are obstacles, challenges and traps, just like on any other path. It is up to you to make it through all those. No one else is doing it instead of you. You have to know your steps and you must walk by yourself. I rest today and tomorrow. Next week should be a big step forward. It looks like I'm about to start living a more stress-free lifestyle now, and that might take some time to get used to lol.

Jesus Christ. This music is so beautiful it could kill a man. So powerful. So deep. This right here is what I dedicated my life to. There is nothing more that I wish than to create epic, unique and powerful music. The kind of music that could change one's life after a single listen. The kind of music that could heal a broken heart. Music that could pick you up when you're at your lowest. Music that could completely devastate you, too. There are some absolutely out of this world incredible artists out there. And they all have their unique story and journey behind their music. One does not simply go and make a masterpiece. There is so much happening in the background, in order for that piece of art to be born. Madness is pretty much your neighbor. In my mind, every single thing I do or do not do is somehow linked to my purpose. In some way or fashion, it's bringing me closer to completing the mission. Actualizing the vision. Even though it can seem like there is no connection whatsoever between the things I do... It's all linked. It's all about this one thing. Music. Love.

TOURNIQUET I'll wait for you; run wild and aspire Thrive, burn young fire When you say "fight back" our love won't tire Unweathered and untethered light I promise you and I will see it through You lay dreaming No time to sleep as I begin to weep Life is fleeting I tighten fast inside your tourniquet Stop the bleeding Your tenderness, your softened skin All I needed Your love is my tourniquet Learn to rise, contain the pressure This was supposed to be no miracle Bow down because I'm under pressure once again I promise you, I promise you Take my strength I honour you with everything Take my strength I promise you and I will see it through You lay dreaming The endless light you shine on me All I needed

@meadow Thanks!

Ultimately, what I'm looking for here, is to be able to create freely, in real time, without bugging or lagging. To be the Creator of the life that I'm living now. Which is, of course, already the case. I'm just not operating from those 'hights' too often. I descend, hence it seems like things are lagging. Taking a lot of time to unfold. There are 'levels' where every thought you think of manifests into reality instantaneously. Faster than you can blink. And that is not a walk in a park. It's a lot to handle. In a sense, I'm glad I'm not there. But I'd love to get a bit closer.

So, the idea pretty much remains the same now. Minimize expenses, maximize income. Keep things minimalistic, simple and straightforward. Saving up some money and then investing it into a few different things. Working on my shit. I must learn to manage everything more smoothly. Time, finances, energy, etc. Also must focus more on health. I'm far from being the healthiest version of myself. I must slow down and get into a good shape. Slow but consistent progress forward. Here and there I want to unwind and go out or something. But I spend most of my time alone inside. Doing my thing. Away from any distractions. I'm going to keep focusing on the psychological, emotional and spiritual aspects of being too. Exercising my imagination, visualization, focus, ect. I see everything that requires attention and I want to improve. It's just going to take time. I've still got plenty of that - it seems. All in all; there are challenges, and it's tough sometimes, but mostly I'm feeling good and on track. I see the road ahead. I don't feel lost or trapped or anything. Things are looking good.