ivankiss

I still have to muster up the courage to listen to an entire death metal album during a full blown LSD trip haha! I think it would be quite an experience. Would not watch torture videos though, or anything similar... Not my thing.

@softlyblossoming Haha yup! To love fearlessly and unconditionally is as badass as it gets Nice username btw!

@BipolarGrowth Dude...just...ok? @roopepa A beautiful day indeed! All the best!

@K Ghoul There is some truth in what he's saying, but to me it seems like he also has quite a few unresolved issues. Does not seem like a healthy way of thinking exactly. Thanks though.

Yesterday, five years ago, was one of the most significant days of my life. Lisbon, Portugal I arrived to the airport, last minute. I see you walking through the crowd... and the earth stops spinning. I cannot believe my eyes... You are more beautiful than I could've ever imagined. Everything I have ever dreamed of. There is no doubt in my mind. You are the love of my life. You are the one I was searching for all along. I will never forget that first hug, that first kiss... It was pure fantasy. A movie. I was finally holding you, after what seemed like lifetimes of separation. It felt so familiar, even though it was for the very first time. It was just so right. I finally felt whole. I finally felt like I had it all. Like nothing was ever missing. Like nothing could ever go missing again. Perhaps for the very first time in my life, I felt home. You filled a void so massive within me... even I wasn't aware of it fully. I was hopelessly and blindly in love with you before you even flew in to Portugal. Before I ever saw you, before our lips ever connected... Before I ever even knew you. I already painted a perfect picture of an idealized lover... of my soulmate... And I believed you were it. I truly did. What can I say...? You played the role very well. Like it was written just for you. I could always kinda sense something off in the background, but I never really allowed myself to truly see. Never until now that you're gone, D. Now I see clearly... It was all an act. All fake. I could never put my finger exactly on what was off... but now I know. You were simply never real. Honest, genuine, true or authentic... None of that. You were a living, breathing, walking lie. And so was I, while I was with you. I was lying to myself on a daily basis. I told every lie I could come up with to myself... just so I could keep my eyes shut to all the bullshit that was actually going on.. Just so I could keep believing in my little fairytale. I was just as delusional as you were, if not more. But the difference between me and you, is that I never wanted to fuck you over, or hurt you or anything like that. I honestly just wanted to dream a life with you, D. That's all I ever wanted. I wanted to love you, so bad. I had all this love to give... I needed you to be the one, so bad... Was I healthy enough to be in a place where I could receive that kind of love and beauty? Hell no. But my intentions were pure, for sure. That's the difference, D. Because everything you did from day one was nothing but playing, deceiving, manipulating, lying and cheating. No matter how much I wanted it to be real, it never was. It was a cheap knock off of the real thing. And even though I always knew that, somewhere deep down, I just couldn't not admit it to myself. I could not walk away before my world was completely shattered. Before I was totally devastated, humiliated and reduced to a size of a grain of sand... Before I was gone. I would eat all the bullshit of this world, just to be by your side, D. Just to make it work. And the longer I stood, the more pathetic, weak and dead inside I was becoming. You sucked the life out of me. I no longer felt genuine joy and happiness and peace... everything was always masked by all that toxicity. I could no longer fly high. I sold my wings to walk through hell by your side. I honestly thought I could save you, D. I may have been a naive fool, but my heart was wide open and pulsing with love. No matter how stupid I was, that I am proud of. I stood for what I believed love was. I stood for it while staring in the face of my greatest fears. In the face of starvation, homelessness, isolation... I gave up everything I had for this love. I moved to the other side of the globe for it. I messed with the law and nearly lost my freedom for it. I went in debt for it. I cut off friends and family for it. I put aside my deepest passions for it. I put myself aside. I was so desperate it was ugly to watch. I honestly believed we killed something sacred and that our story is yet another tragedy... A love that was prevented from fully blossoming... But that's not really the case. What we had, was not what I believed we had. What I lost, is not what I believed I lost. You are not who I believed you to be. You are simply not her. You are not the one. You never were. You just played along, while it served your agenda. Until you got tired of pretending and acting. Until the mask started slipping. It must have been exhausting for you, too. I honestly admire some of your qualities. Even though it's hella difficult to distinguish who you actually are from who you pretended to be... All that mirroring and enmashment... My perception was heavily distorted. It still is, to some extent. But I can tell us apart now. I recognize all this crap in me, that's not really mine, that I picked up during our relationship. I worked my way through tons of it, already. Feeling more and more me. It's been a bit over a year since I cut contact, and you still wander in my mind... I still have dreams, nightmares, even... Still dealing with the trauma, the cognitive dissonance, triggers, all that jazz. But I'm recovering fast, and it's for real. I'm not trying to run away from it or suppress it. I'm not trying to act like it wasn't a big deal. And that's good. Thankfully I came across the right information and slowly but surely, everything fell into its place. It was all clear. I understood the psychology of it. I understood the dynamic. I understood personality disorders and codependece. I understood CPTSD. But, understanding is only half of the healing journey. I'm still not 100% recovered. I need some more time and space for myself. I need to think, re-think, overthink, revisit, relive, feel, shake, cry, laugh... I need a bit more of all that. I need to grieve a bit longer. Even though I'm grieving the one who never really existed. It took the death of who I was to let you go.

Thought someone would think that All is cool, all is well, as long as it's all seen as it is.

@softlyblossoming Glad to hear. Matt Kahn is gangsta af

@Mu_ Enjoyed it man. Love how casual and chill your content is. Great message, as always. Simple and profound. Reminded me of this: P.s. Love that hoodie you're wearing!

@Breakingthewall Thanks! Wish you the best!

@Breakingthewall Awesome. I love understanding too

@Leo Gura Thank God there's music!

@Breakingthewall They are just doing their thing. Let it be, do what you love to do.

@Nahm @Inliytened1 Much love and respect.

Haha! Would you look at this now... Truth in technical death metal! The Faceless - Autotheist I consummate this realm through the vision I possess I rise above consecrated imposition The pious flame A flame extinguished from the mind I must create a new reality No creator in the heavens above (I am the lightning) Rest your weary mind No demons in the furnace below (I am the frenzy) I have realized I am God I have realized I am God I will descend to the depths of man Proclaim to the void Emptying my cup The starved, weary, thirsting From God's barren grave within the garden of untruths A flower takes bloom and births a new reality No creator in the heavens above (I am the lightning) Rest your weary mind No demons in the furnace below (I am the frenzy) I have realized I am God I have realized I am God

You're just confused, all is well. Breathe and forget about those 'horrible' thoughts. They're just that... Thoughts.

@Reciprocality Cool

@Reciprocality It is possible to simply be, without concluding anything about it.

'Beyond the mind' is just a fancy way of putting it. Can you simply breathe and not think anything for 5 seconds? There you go. Truth. Has nothing to do with 'physicalism' or 'solipsism' or any other belief.

A few years ago I somehow ended up in a threesome with a girl I've been hooking up with back then and a really good buddy of mine. It was great... But maybe a bit awkward, too, since it was my first and only time being around another man's fully erected penis lol. We tried our best to avoid any physical contact... Except when we high-fived over that chick haha. Epic times. Then, some time after that, I did it again, with two girls. And it was even more awesome. It almost seems like a dream. Like it didn't actually happen lol. It was quite a while ago. So yeah, I'd really like to have another experience like that now... and it looks like I might just pull it off. I've been hooking up with these two girls not that long ago, and it was great. And I learned that they're both bisexual. They even know of each-other and hang out together sometimes. If I make the right moves, I can totally see it happening. But here's the thing... I might be dealing with some performance anxiety, or you know, whatever. I remember back then, when I hooked up with those two girls, I was struggling to rise to the occasion lol. I had to put in extra effort to stay hard. I was having trouble concentrating. Which is very unfortunate because it's not every day that stuff like this happens. At least not for me lol. So I'm thinking now, am I man enough to handle two girls at once haha...? If I was to pull it off again, should I maybe consider a pill or something? Maybe I should let them play with each-other more, perhaps introduce some toys into the act, etc. That might take some pressure off. Idk. I'm a bit anxious but also excited about the idea. Not sure if it's truly relevant, or I just want it for some other weird reason. Any of you guys here with experience in this area? Suggestions?

The danger lies in believing no one but you exists, prior to proper self-realization. What you will end up with, is a psychological disorder. Not liberation.

@Leo Gura Solipsism is a psychological issue. Truth is beyond the mind, or the thinker, that could conclude that there are no others.

Imo, the only way 'solipsism' should be mentioned on the path, is as a nasty trap.

@flume Nice! Here's another one, slightly darker and heavier haha:

@Nahm Haha, I hear you, thanks. It was a long time ago, and maybe now I wouldn't have any troubles at all. Still, I think I'll grab one of those pills... Better safe than sorry