ivankiss

That's a good question... I don't really know. I guess I just don't want to end up being hurt, betrayed and disappointed once again. I guess I'm kinda looking for "the real deal" when it comes to relationships now. Either that, or I'm fine with being single. Fooling around with fuck buddies or whatever... But if I was to truly commit to this and put my heart and soul into it... Then I guess I'd like to see it blossom into something meaningful. Something that would last. Something stable and consistent. Something that would leave no space for doubt or second guessing. Something that would inspire growth and expansion in both of us. Bring the best out of us. I'd say her attachment style is avoidant, yes. Mine is anxious. At least, it used to be. I've been working on that stuff, trying to reach secure attachment. I'm definitely not quite there yet though. Still getting quite anxious here and there, I noticed. Definitely some pushing and pulling going on. But only when some distance is created between us. If we don't see each-other for a few days, let's say. Once we get close to each other again, it stops and we are able to trust and love each-other without all those games. I'd say so, yes. We both have trust issues. But once we open up, the giving-receiving dynamic seems balanced and healthy. Maybe I am just a bit more free with giving love than she is. But I do not mind that. I enjoy it. That's a good question. Definitely something to think about more deeply. I'd say I'm having quite some difficulties with "going with the flow" nowdays. Mainly because I got burnt quite badly last time I completely let go of the wheel. I guess I'm now trying to achieve that balance between the two. And I might be swinging a bit to much to the opposite side, as a polar response to what I've been doing previously. I see it as an act of trying to balance myself out. It's a process. Not quite there yet, for sure. Cannot say with absolute certainty for her anything though. I'm able to see her as more balanced than me and I'm also able to perceive a lack of balance, too. I oscillate between caring a lot about how I'm being seen and not giving a fuck at all. Yet another imbalance - could be said. To let go of it and be balanced would probably mean peace, safety, true confidence, etc. Noted. Thanks. I agree, yes. It's just that I would put myself out there way too much and way too soon in the past... Hence why I'm being "overly cautious" now. It was not healthy what I was doing. Not for me, to for the relationship. I hear you, thanks. I am afraid of pain and devastation. I'd want to avoid that by any cost. But I know that even it it happens it's ultimately only here to open me up even more. To make me stronger. To enable me to love more fearlessly and unconditionally. Myself first, and consequently another, too.

Well, we touched upon all these topics, multiple times. That's also what inspired me to create this tread. It's just she's kinda avoidant and not very comfortable with speaking of feelings and whatnot... It kinda leaves me unsatisfied after our conversations. I feel like we never truly reach a solid conclusion. We just kinda dip our toes into things and leave them there. I'm trying not to be too pushy. I'm way more comfortable with feelings in this dynamic. So I'm trying to be respectful and patient. Well, it could lead to something either beautiful or disastrous. And I'm not sure if I'm willing to take that risk at this point of my life. But I like that thought. Thanks. That's more or less the plan, yes. I'm enjoying what we have going on, even though it gets a bit painful/triggering here and there, for several reasons that I will not go into here. But I am also curious where this could go. I would not like to see it end just yet. Just being very cautious, I guess. Well, yeah, normally that would be the case. But this girl is different. She's this extremely independent diplomatic girl. An aspiring politician. She travelled half of the world, did all kinds of shit... It's the highest value girl I've ever been dating, for sure. But she's quite dominant. Surrendering and/or following is not really her thing. At least that's the impression I got so far. She respects me and is able to surrender to me in a romantical sense. In the bedroom, etc. But when it comes to planning a life together and walking a path together, I think things would get quite challenging. We're both set in our ways and it could be difficult for two very independent and stubborn people with strong visions for their lives to create a third, common reality - so to speak - where we could meet and support each-other. But, on the other hand, if we were to make it work, I can see how this could be something truly beautiful. We could become one of those badass power couples lol. I think it's obvious to both of us that we need time and space to let things level out. So far the dynamic seems quite healthy. I don't think we're being foolish or rushing into things too fast. We're not fantasizing about a future together or anything like that. We're quite grounded in the present moment. Letting things unfold naturally. Still, we're both afraid to give our whole selves to this. It's obvious. It's just that we have different coping mechanisms, styles and strategies.

I like most of what you guys said. Thanks. Here's what's crossing my mind: I feel weaker now that she came closer. I did not want to let her come too close, because I knew I was putting myself in a position where I could potentially end up being hurt and betrayed, again. I did not fully heal from my previous relationship just yet. I did not complete my transformation and I did not eliminate all those traits that could lead me to repeating the same mistakes. Allowing myself to descend that low again. I set clear boundaries at the very beginning, saying how this is just a short little adventure and it's destined to end soon. It was obvious to me that that was turning her on. Like a lot. I guess she was not used to it. She was used to being chased by all the guys. After some time of dating, hooking up and doing all kinds of things together, I guess I started breaking down my walls. I was less strict about the boundaries that I've set. I mean, in the begging it was nothing outside of the bedroom. That was my rule. No dinners, no partying together, no doing favours for each other, etc. Basically, nothing that would indicate that we are a couple. it was purely about hooking up. And now... Well, she's spending a whole week at my place. We are shopping for groceries together, cooking for each other, doing all kinds of stuff that clearly say we are in a full-blown relationship. Did I fall into a trap here? I had a very clear vision for myself. A path that I was on. I was on track. Aligned with my purpose. I was much more decisive and unshakable. And even though I enjoy what we have going on now, I feel like I'm kinda losing myself again. We are still attracted to each other as fuck. We're having a lot of sex and all that jazz. But last night this topic kinda came up and it made me think. For some reason she liked me even more and was turned on by me even more until I allowed her to come this close. And in a way, I liked myself more that way, too. I was shielded, yes. My heart was kinda shut down. But I felt more powerful and "in control". I felt kinda untouchable. I never really chased any girl in my life. Well, maybe with one exception. But I did have a tendency to lose myself a bit too much and become a bit too soft, if that makes any sense. I really would not like to F myself in the A here, again. I'd rather cut things off, or create some distance, even though at this point, that would be quite painful, I imagine. I really like this girl. Things got pretty deep and serious, fast. And that's kinda scary.

The first time I felt true love is when I first picked up a guitar at age 6. It still remains to be the one and only true love. Music.

I'm mainly interested in what men perceive as red flags when getting to know women. But ladies, feel free to share your standpoints too. Here's something I've been noticing often, and I think these are some pretty obvious red flags: - She hangs out almost exclusively with guys. Has little to no female friends, or has a 'love hate love' type of a friendships with them. The guys that she's friends with are orbiting her consistently. Often daily. She asks them for little favors and whatnot, all the time. - She is in touch with all or most of her exes. Never truly letting go of the past. Dragging all that stuff with her, and consequently never fully healing, growing and learning from those relationships. - She parties way too often, way too hard. Drinks too much, takes drugs, etc. Tends to lose control during crazy, wild night-outs. Is overly outgoing and flirty with everybody. Loves attention a bit too much. - Always texting and juggling several guys at once. I understand guys are going to keep texting you if you're an attractive woman. But you responding and engaging with all or the majority of them, just to keep yourself entertained, is a red flag. - Is unable to spend time alone. Always needs someone around. It doesn't really matter who it is, but most likely it's going to be one of her guy friends, who's hoping to get a chance with her. She just needs company all the time, to keep her distracted from looking a bit deeper into herself. - Has no purpose, no values. She has no higher meaning for anything she does, no real sense of a direction and no interest in anything beyond mundane daily activities, that everyone else around her indulges in. She's following the crowd, what's trendy, etc. - Is very comfortable with telling lies. Honesty is not something all that important to her. Or at all. I've seen this a lot... She would be talking on a phone with someone in front of me, and keep coming up with lies so naturally and effortlessly. It was scary. Might as well be called a skill, but it's a red flag in my book. - Is out of touch with her femininity. Acts and thinks like a dude, a bit too much. Has a hard time with being gentle, soft, tender, kind, etc. Instead tends to be cold, blunt, way too cerebral and disconnected from her heart. Has a very difficult time tuning into feelings. These are some red flags that came to mind at this moment. I might add a few more later. Let me know if you disagree with any of these and why. Feel free to add yours. I'm only asking not to turn this thread into another men vs women nonsense. Share your thoughts and views, but be respectful.

I know exactly what you mean.

@Superfluo I hear you. I love to love. It feels great when I'm showing/expressing love to someone, in all kinds of ways. And I love seeing them enjoying that love. Being passionate is a big part of who I am. It's rooted in my core. I don't think that's something I would want to diminish. Tone down a bit, maybe, yes. But even that is questionable. But I understand this girl's point. I imagine it's like as if you were to take too much MDMA or LSD. You feel so much love and ecstasy it starts being uncomfortable. Might as well turn into a bad trip lol.

Last night I was with this girl that I've been hooking up with for a while. We were talking about all kinds of stuff. Why we would or would not be compatible long term, etc. At some point she said to me: 'You're very intense, Ivan. And it's very hard for someone to follow you and mirror that back to you. You love very intensely. You fuck intensely. You talk intensely. You make me feel intense emotions...' And I cannot argue with that. It's true. I guess I'm quite an intense guy when loving someone. Maybe more intense at the very beginning than later on, but still. It's just that I have so much passion flowing through me. So much fire. And that's how it shows. I definitely tend to become a bit obsessive, too. But I'm an artist. I see the link. I know why that is. So yeah. This might be a red flag when it comes to dating me. I can see how it can be too much for some. But maybe it's actually not something to be toned down or eliminated. Maybe I just need to find someone who would be comfortable with that. Know how to receive it and reflect it back. Hold space for it and, in a sense, neutralize it. Interesting, nevertheless.

Nice. Very informative. Keep em coming. Kinda made me aware of some of my own shit as well. Things that women might perceive as red flags with me. I didn't make it clear enough, but this is all just for the purpose of getting to know yourself and your preferences more. Knowing who you are or are not compatible with. Avoiding traps, potential heart and head ache, etc.

@Gesundheit2 No, but I'm a fan

The road we make we own

Been spending more and more time alone these past few years. And even before that, I've always been kinda on my own. Friends and girlfriends were in and out, family was rarely ever there... It was always just me. I'm definitely seeing all the benefits from that. I came to know myself real good. I'm very comfortable being in my own company. I often get comments like 'there's just something different about you'... Others can sense how real and honest I am with myself, and consequently, with them as well. I still have a lot of work left to do though. I'm planning on staying quite isolated for the next 6 months or so, in hopes to accelerate my overall progress and attain what I envisioned. It seems right and it makes sense to me. But sometimes I wonder... is it healthy? Is it good for me? Am I romanticizing solitude? I'm not anti social or awkward or anything. I like interacting and I value experience, a lot. A part of me is longing for living an exciting, colourful life, full of all kinds of experiences. I've lived through quite a lot already, I'd say. But sometimes I look back at my life, and there were times when I experienced more in a single day than in these past few months. And that's kinda scary. I guess it comes down to finding that sweet balance between things. What do you think?

I had moments of just doing nothing and staring at the wall, and it was better than getting shitfaced with friends on a Saturday night. And I also had times when it was misery instead of bliss. But generally, yes, I agree. Maintaining some form of a contact with people is necessary. You need to relate to someone or else you start losing your mind. And not necessarily in a good way. Being productive/creative is the main reason why I choose to isolate. Healing and growing too. But I also need experience. It's the very substance out of which I can create. And in order to create something truly good and real and unique, I need time and space away from it all. I need distance so I can see everything clearly and channel it into a piece of art. Express it. Animate it. Balance is key, indeed. It's tricky, but it's doable. I guess I'm still learning to surf.

Gave everything I had, my whole self, for what I believed was the love of my life. Spent two years trapped on an island without a Visa. Walked away from that relationship with nothing, started putting myself back together.

Spent a wild night with some relatively rich people. It was kinda cool, but also lame and boring. I was surprised to see how shallow and narrow minded these people were. Not very intelligent at all. They loved to talk about stupid things like nationality, borders, wars, rulers and politics... Nothing that would indicate any deeper introspection or self transcendence. They were just incapable of seeing past themselves and the ideas that they identify with. Any attempt to go a bit deeper or point towards a higher truth flew right over their heads. It quickly became obvious that I cannot talk about anything truly meaningful with these people. Business, profit margins, who went where and did what... that was pretty much it. They simply do not see value in truth or honesty or integrity or purpose or passion... None of that. I'm not saying all rich people are like this. But it definitely confirmed what I kinda suspected to be true, in general. And that is, that you don't have to be very intelligent or conscious in order to be successful in business and make loads of money. In fact, doing so might even be harder for a highly conscious individual. You have to consciously decide to take a swim in a pool of shit.

Thanks for your input everyone. I appreciate it. I'm still kinda sore down there haha! But it's not too bad. We're having sex all the time, but also taking lots of short breaks. However, the emphasis now is on something a bit deeper than just sex. We were completely caught off guard by this. It was impossible to foresee. Wish you all the best.

I met a girl who is my perfect match. I mean, I can hardly imagine sex getting any better than this. It's a perfect balance of wild, animalistic sex and love making. It's fantastic. Our time together is limited though. I'm leaving this place in October, and I doubt I'll be back anytime soon. We're sharing an apartment right now, so obviously, we want to have sex all the time. Only problem is, we are both quite sore and it's kinda ruining the party. What can be done about this? Clearly, the smart thing to do would be to take days off, not go so crazy on each-other, etc... but that does not sound too good. We both want to keep this thing going, non stop, till the day I leave. She's crazy wet all the time, so that's not an issue, really. I could get some lube, but I honestly think it's unnecessary. I'm thinking we should take breaks frequently, while having sex. Like, not have sex more than 15 to 20 mins at a time. That might do it. I also heard that plain probiotic yogurt could help. Basically, dipping a tampon in it. This is a marathon. We cannot stop just yet. We often pull all nighters, etc. I need a solution. Anyone here has any experience with this kind of stuff?

We spoke of her possibly coming after me. At least visiting me, if nothing else. It might happen, who knows. I'm not really counting on it though. Maybe this burns so strong right now precisely because it is not meant to last. Maybe it will be extinguished soon after I leave. This is love, no doubt about that. It's more real and mature than anything I experienced previously. It seems honest and healthy. But I'm pretty sure it's not here to stay. It's an adventure of some sort. We came together to give each other the love we both longed for, help each other see and resolve some things from the past... but I think that's where things end. By 'perfect match' I meant mostly sexually. We get along great otherwise too, but there's also quite a few things that I could not get over or accept. I do not see us being compatible long term. At least not before I accomplish what I want. My plan was to completely cut contact once I leave. I find that to be quite romantic, in a sense. It would also be easier not to get stuck on or lost in any fantasies that way. Leaving the door open, so to speak, could end up being a distraction. It could hold me back in my overall progress. However, she did not like that idea, at all. She insisted that we stay in touch. We'll see what happens.

Yeah, I definitely judged the crap out of these people. Not cool, but oh well. I simply don't like corrupt people. I don't have to like everything and everybody. I don't have to enjoy spending time with everyone and I definitely don't have to seek advice from people that I don't resonate with, just because they have more money on their bank accounts. That's just stupid. Am I envious? Maybe, a bit, yes. But that's not the reason why I judge them. I judge them because they have all the means and resources and still do not stop to look a bit deeper into themselves. I judge them because of their lack of heart. Lack of interest in something more meaningful and intangible. Something that transcends all their worldly possessions. Something beyond their achievements. Something more valuable than all the money they'll ever have.

I am not interested in any advice from people like that. I can listen to what they have to say and consider their point of view, but I would definitely not choose to walk in their footsteps. If or when I come to make some serious money, I will do it in a way that is aligned with my core values. I will not sacrifice my soul for it. How did these people get there, you ask? Well, mommy and daddy were rich. That's how. Don't think they came from nothing and did it all by themselves. Those cases are very rare. And there's definitely something different about people who make it on their own. I had fun last night. We laughed, talked and drank all night. Did some coke too. They love coke. Would I repeat this experience though? Probably no. Once in a blue moon maybe.

If you don't have sex soon, cut contact and move on. Don't look back.

Ever came across something truly amazing in life, yet you knew it had to be let go off and, in a sense, be sacrificed for the greater good? For the next step in your evolution? For your purpose? Your mission? Your very essence? Well, this is one of those experiences. It's incredible. It's magical. But it must be left behind.

It's a no.

Cold approach is not for everyone. I can count on my one hand how many times I approached a girl randomly. Yet I had sex countless times. Sometimes girls approach me, other times I meet them through friends, sometimes online, etc. Point is, you don't really need to approach a thousand girls and you can still have plenty of sex. Focus on attracting girls. Not chasing them.

You awaken on your own. Not by following anyone or subscribing to anything. Borrow and adopt a word or two, but do things by yourself. Do not follow blindly.