ivankiss

True. Not The Truth.

It's not about being dumb or smart. It's about how attached you are to what you think you know. Can you see through it? Can you see it for what it is? Can you arrive to a "place" where it's clear as day that you know nothing and never will? That there is nothing to be known? But can you then also stand for something and speak with confidence and passion about your ideas? Balance is key. What is paradoxical to the mind, to the heart it just is.

Cool idea. Thanks. Hey, my name is Ivan and I'm 28 years old. I've been into Self-Actualization/Spirituality for 9 years. What I am working towards creating in my life right now is financial abundance, music career, travels, fitness. The main thing(s) that I'm struggling with right now is self - judgment, limiting beliefs, triggers in a romantic relationship. ONE action step that I could take tomorrow that would help me move closer to my goal is to do more of what I'm already doing and think less.

It's slow. Barely any movement, at times. Synchronized breathing. Eye contact. Etc.

The one thing all of them agree on... is Love. Infinite paths, only one Truth. Cannot be too conscious, too awake or too wise for Love.

@Twenty Wait, what?

There is no such thing as not accepting what is. Only thinking that you don't and feeling bad about it. If it's happening, it is already accepted. It already is. It might suck ass, but accepted it is, nevertheless. I am that I am : I am that which is.

I've been approached by women several times before. In fact, the one I'm seeing now "picked me up" at my workplace. She was super persistent too. I said "no" a few times before "giving in" and going back to her place. I'm very glad I did. Some women are just like that. They like to make the first step. Might be less common, but definitely not weird or anything. I don't really like to "hit on girls"... Usually I either attract them to me or things just kinda happen on their own.

@Roy Yeah, I need to snap out of it. I'm losing my mind over nothing. She's a fuck buddy, that's it. It lasts while it lasts. Thanks again.

3 months ago I got involved with this girl who's been waving quite a few red flags at me from the get go. It didn't bother me too mush at first, since we were more or less just friends with benefits. It was just about sex and hanging out. But after a while we started falling in love with each other, despite of our differences. We really don't have too much in common. But sex is out of this world good. Communication is pretty good too. I don't know... There's just something between us that I cannot really point towards. Attraction is very strong. I was supposed to move far away, but one thing lead to another and I decided to stay here, at least over winter, and save up some more money before I embark on a journey. We we're both anticipating the end from the very beginning. But it just didn't happen. Instead we were spending more and more time together. So here's the issue... She's still married. And today her husband flew in from Australia to visit. In the past 4 years they've seen each-other once. They've been broken up for a long while, but still remained married. Supposedly, they should be divorcing now, if everything goes well. I knew he was going to come, pretty much from the very beginning, but it didn't bother me back then... Now it's a different story. It bothers me a lot. I would be less anxious if he was staying in hotel or something.... But no. He's staying in a room in her apartment. For the next two weeks or so. Of course I'm freaking out. Who wouldn't? I was super hesitant about this whole situation. I was very close to breaking up with her a few times these days. But I couldn't. I want to keep seeing her. I enjoy her company. Not to mention all that epic sex. It's really not something you find on every corner. So yeah, I guess I decided to go with it. To suck it up and go through these two weeks. Am I an idiot or yes? Could you do this? How would it impact you and the relationship overall? She says nothing will happen between them... But I have a hunch that they're gonna fuck. In fact, I'm pretty sure they will. Clearly, I have an agenda here. I'm also super confused about us. We're together, but not really. We are exclusive, but not truly committed. It's not very clear what this thing of ours is. But I'd say we're in love. Maybe I've fallen for her just a bit more. Which doesn't really make sense... She's not exactly a super model. She has all these big red flags... We come from two different worlds. Why the fuck am I freaking out this much? I want to keep seeing her later on. I want to keep having sex with her. But I really do not see us being good for each-other long term. The agenda I speak of, is wanting to have someone close to me while I finish my business here and move to another country. Which is also kinda stupid. Sooner or later it's gonna hurt. So yeah, I'm not playing that clean either. I'd be fine with all this, given the circumstances. But I guess I got too attached. I don't want to "share" her. The thought of that makes me wanna throw up. I fear I will lose respect for myself by bending over this. And that way, she will lose respect for me too. It might fuck up the dynamic. We would brake up and I would end up making a big fool out of myself by going through this for nothing. On the other hand, maybe nothing would change and it would all be soon forgotten. Maybe we'd want each other even more. I really don't know. I need some extra perspective on this. I have a history of being a fool for women and I fear I'm repeating the same mistakes again. Help if you can. Thanks!

@Roy Thank you. I see what you mean, and I kinda see things the same way (most of the time). That is, when I'm thinking straight and sober. When emotions take over, it's a bit of a different story. It can get quite intense, for whatever reason. As said, I think this situation is triggering something deeper and unhealed within me. It's not necessarily tied to her/us. I just hope I can keep my head above the water. I don't want to get completely sucked into this. I'm staying on my path, there's no doubt about that. But I'd also like to avoid any potential heartache. I'm afraid of being played nasty and being hurt again. The last time it happened it completely destroyed me. I am both in pain and in joy/love when with her. But I'd say the positive prevails so far. So it kinda seems worth it. Her husband did make a move on her. Grabbed her ass or something like that. But she swears she rejected him and told him that nothing will happen between them. I kinda believe her... He went to visit a neighbouring country for two days, so she spent the night at my place yesterday. It was so fucking good. We talked a lot and had incredible sex. It's really something else. I realize this is the main thing that got me hooked this much. Intimacy is just on another level with her. When it's just the two of us, it's dare I say perfect. But then I remember all those red flags... She hangs out almost exclusively with dudes, who of course want to fuck her... She's overly flirtatious and loves to party... Loves all that attention. She's in touch with her exes. She often withdraws and goes cold. Struggles to feel or express her feelings... Etc. All this screams to me that I should be super careful. She's open about it all and she also kinda warned me a few times not to fall head over heels for her. But last night she also said she can see me as a potentially serious partner. How much she respects me, loves me, wants me, etc. Lots of mixed signals, from both sides. It's kinda messy, but it's also beautiful and it feels so damn good, when it does. So again... am I an idiot? Haha. Should I not be dragging this out for too long? Knowing how vulnerable and sensitive I am right now, etc. What's your friendly advice? Do you think it's only going to become harder and harder to let go? Or can we keep things exactly as they are for these few months and then part ways in a calm, grounded way? Sorry for whining this much, but I don't really have anybody to open up to about this right now. I just need to express these thoughts and feelings. The idea of someone hearing me and giving me an advice comforts me.

Going down the rabbit hole now, and wow... I don't think I ever felt this dumb. I've got a lot of catching up to do. I'm still resistant AF, but also kinda excited at the same time.

I was never interested in politics and all that biz. In fact, I was always repulsed by all of that. It all seemed like a giant pile of bullshit to me. A shitfest. Circus. I'm a sensitive, touchy-feely musician. I think creatively, abstractly and idealistically, most of the time. I can be analytical too and I'm good with recognizing certain patterns. But all that political stuff just always seemed so cold and and heartless to me. It's the exact opposite of what I'm all about. I'm aware this could be kinda dumb though. I guess it could be good to know some stuff about "what's going on in the world", the political climate, how it's all structured and how it operates, etc. What do you think? Is this stuff necessary for me to understand and integrate in order to become a fuller, more actualized version of myself? If so, where should I start? What should I look into, if I know nothing about any of this? Or am I really not missing out on anything that significant here? Is it all just unnecessary noise and distraction, as I believed it to be up until now? In any case, would appreciate some pointers - how to go about unpacking and understanding all that stuff. Thanks!

Appreciate it guys. I see your point. It's quite confusing, difficult to consume and understand, but I think I'm going to give it a try. Mainly for the purpose of being a more "well rounded" individual. I assume it will come in handy to know a thing or two in social settings. Do I honestly care about all that stuff? Am I truly curious and interested in it? Passionate about it? No. Not at all. But I feel like it will do me good. If anyone could throw in some resources, that would be very cool. Thanks.

@Danioover9000 Thanks. I get that, yes. I should be up to date and read about what's going on in the world. But I feel like I have no ground for all that information to stand on. It's a language I barely understand. I want to understand it all at it's core first, if there is such a thing. Whenever I read or listen to political stuff, I mostly have no idea what's being said. It's all very alien to me.

Just came home. We spent together two hours or so. I visited her while she was working. It was very pleasant. I was surprisingly calm and relaxed. I felt good. We had sex in a toilet at her work place. It was awesome. She was complaining about her husband for while, telling me how frustrated she is with little things he does, how awkward he is, etc. She said she couldn't get me out of her head and kept wishing to meet me. Felt good to hear all that, cannot lie. Of course it boosted my ego. I don't think she'd be fooling me this hard. I also don't think she could fuck him and me at the same time. She really does not come across as that kind of a girl. But I'm still not trusting her blindly. Better safe than sorry. I'll give her the benefit of doubt, but I won't completely exclude the possibility of her possibly lying to my face. I don't know her all that well, after all. But yeah, definitely not freaking out that much, or at all, anymore. Even if something happens between them, I feel quite a bit more at peace with it now, for whatever reason. Maybe it's because I see myself as a higher value guy than her husband after what she's told me, maybe because I saw how much she missed me and how happy she was to see me, maybe because I emptied my balls, or whatever else. Point is, I feel quite reassured and at peace with the situation now. Still not too happy about it, but I'm ok with it. It's an experience that I never had before. And that's kinda cool. I still don't think she's the "love of my life". So this is all fine, I guess. I should try and extract the most out of it and have as much fun as possible. Maybe it turns into something more serious, maybe not, but for now I should relax and simply enjoy the ride. All is well.

@King Merk I think you did not read my original post properly. It's not like she's still with her husband and I slipped in. They've been broken up for years and lived on opposite sides of the world. But yes, definitely got addicted to sex with her, I'll give you that. I'm not saying this is clean, I'm just trying my best to navigate these waters. I'm aware I'm kinda being a devil here too. I'm playing with fire. @Etherial Cat Thank you. Appreciate your input a lot. As I said, it's not just me that didn't want to take things into a serious direction. She was hesitant too. And not too long ago we both believed I was going to leave the country. She did not want to lose her freedom and independence and I did not want to be knocked off the path I was carving for myself. I was also not fully healed from my previous relationship just yet. So you can see how it only made sense to keep some distance between us and be cautious. It was mutual. An agreement. But I guess our feeling got the best of us. It was so good and nice when we were together, we simply started falling in love. It wasn't really our intention. And now we have this situation to deal with. They planned his visit before I even came into the picture - I believe. So it's not like they came up with the idea yesterday. I cannot really say that she's betraying me or fooling me in any way. It was all open and known. We talked about it a lot too. And now it's happening, and it's not easy. I'm pretty sure it's difficult for her too. Yes, she assured me she won't sleep with him, several times. But she also admitted that if I wasn't in the picture, they'd probably have sex during his stay. So yeah, I'm not very sure what to take out of that. I'm not going to sit here and keep telling to myself that she's an angel and won't do anything. It's likely that something will happen between them. But I also might be wrong. Maybe she's truly going to put up a wall. She keeps telling me that she loves me and wants only me. She also said that his husband has nothing on me. She said sex was never as good with him as it is with me and it would be foolish to downgrade when she has something this good. I'm also way better looking. Her words. But yeah, I'm aware these are just that. Words. Anything can happen in the heat of the moment. And I'm just trying to find a way to be cool with whatever happens, so that I can keep seeing her. I think I'm getting there. Feeling much better today. And you're right. It's just a piece of paper more or less. At least that's what she said. They stayed married out of some sort of convenience. Financial or other. But who knows what's really going on underneath it all. I don't know their story. So yeah. This sucks. And maybe she's playing me. Maybe not. Maybe they're fucking as I'm typing these words. Maybe they won't touch each other at all during his stay. I cannot really know. And to be completely honest, I don't really trust her. Not fully. She also admitted she used to play men and tends to lie. But supposedly, I'm an exception. She does not want to hurt me. Do I believe it? Hm, no, not really. But also kinda yes. It's all quite shaky and uncertain, but it is what it is. I'm already in it. I guess I'll see it through now. Tomorrow night we're seeing each-other. Will see how it feels and goes.

@aurum She's kinda in the same boat. Wants to be with me, loves me, but does not want to commit to anything too serious. She's afraid of losing her freedom and independence. We both had shitty experiences in the past and we struggle to fully trust each-other. We were both indecisive and were putting out mixed signals from the get go. But we kept hanging out and getting closer to each-other. I think we both want each-other. We want to be together. But neither one of us thinks this can be a long term thing.

What I'm really curious about is why the fuck does this hurt so much? Why am I feeling this terrible? We've known each other for three months only. We did not plan a future together or anything like that. There's plenty of stuff I don't like about her. Why am I hurting so much about this? Has to do something with trauma and core wounds. I'd like to just not give a fuck. Why can't I do that? Why do I feel this so strongly? It makes no sense. Like it's not really linked to this scenario. Like this is just triggering a deeper, more real issue. It sucks very much.

@Roy Thanks for such an in depth reply. I know what you're saying is right, but I'm not thinking sober right now. I'm confused and emotional. I don't know what I want either. There is no way he's not staying at her place. Hotels are too expensive. It's all said and done already. I either brake up with her or I go through this. But here's the thing... Even if I was to brake up now I'd be suffering like hell for these two weeks, knowing that they're fucking all over the place. If I bend over this, at least we will keep hooking up a bit longer. I mean, he's leaving in two weeks, that's for sure. If I look at this as a potential "serious relationship", there's no way this would be cool. But if I look at it as just friends who are hanging out and having some great sex, it would not be such a big deal. Can I do that though? Can I see it that way? I'm not sure... I feel like she's more, but I don't see us doing this long term. It's so twisted in my mind right now. I love her but I mainly want to keep hooking up.

@Jacob Morres Fuck! I know the "right thing" to do is to walk away. But I want to keep seeing her... It's so stupid.

Once in the morning, once after lunch and once before we fall asleep. So 3 times a day, whenever we get to see each other. Unless we're not feeling it or something comes up.

So let's say you're dating someone for a few weeks or so... Things are going pretty good, you're getting along and all that... And then you guys start opening op to each-other a bit more and you end up hearing stuff that you really wished you did not hear. Some dark shit from their past. Like, truly dark. Sucking dick for coke, or something along those lines. Would that be a deal breaker for you? Or would you play it cool and be able to look past it? Would it change how you see the person and the relationship? Could you continue?

If it's truly in the past and they've grown and learned from the experience, then I might be able to look past it. If they're not showing any signs of possibly repeating the same "mistakes". But even then, I cannot deny that it would always kinda bug me in the background. I'd have a very difficult time digesting and truly accepting it. It would be painful, for whatever reason. So I guess I'm leaning more towards it being a deal breaker.

She liked me more when I was unavailable. I liked myself more when I was unavailable. I was more into things that seemed unavailable, too. Be it a relationship, or whatever else. Why do you think this is?