ivankiss

A beautiful dramatic story. A beautiful tragedy. I am a sucker for stories like this. They're deep, intense, meaningful and impactful. So much to be grateful for. So much to learn. So much to cherish. It makes you wanna cry and laugh at the same time. Like a good, heartfelt movie. It's just not the kind of a movie you want to watch everyday. It burns too much.

I cannot trust you fully. It takes too much out of me. To trust you, I would have to completely ignore everything in me that's screaming that you're not trustworthy. That I'm playing with fire and might end up burning myself bad. To trust you, I would have to not trust myself. And I cannot do that.

If you leave now, I doubt I'll be able to wait for you. It's too shaky and uncertain. And then there's also the whole trust issue thing. I just don't see it happening. If you go, it's going to be the end of us. And maybe, possibly, somewhere, somehow we find each-other again... but I cannot hold onto that idea. I'd have to let go completely. It would be too painful to hold on. Intense stuff, my love. Intense past few months. Intense ride. I cannot do this much longer. It's too chaotic. I wish you only the best.

It would be so much easier if I didn't love you...

At times I am genuinely disgusted by you. All those lies and fucked up little games... It makes me want to throw up. I don't know if it's all me, or maybe I'm tuning into your feelings that you are unable to feel, and experience the sickness in my body as if it was mine... In any case, I am deeply repulsed by some of your facets. And others, I am extremely attracted to. I think you have some incredible qualities. But they kind of get ruined once you see the dark side too. Darkness can be beautiful. But I don't see the dark in you that way. It's low quality and low intelligence. Shallow and petty. If you're going to stand for the Darkness, commit to it fully. Do it tastefully.

I need an object of interest to keep me grounded and focused in reality. My inner world is too big. It's easy to get lost in it. You keep me here. You make me want to be here, in the present moment. Even if you're not doing anything. Just sharing space with me. It's enough to keep me here. People objectify each-other all the time. Whoever says they don't, they're either lying or not being aware of what's going on. You are not an object, of course. It's just how the mind works. It needs form. An object to focus upon. It needs to hold onto something. You are that something for me, right now. I'm not too proud of it, but if I'm being honest, I think I'm more interested in you than anything else. Even my greatest calling and mission.

And I listen for the whisper Of your sweet insanity While I formulate denials Of your affect on me You're a stranger So what do I care You vanish today Not the first time I hear All the lies What am I to do with all this silence

I see You don't want liberation You keep belonging to what's not even here

How easy it would be to sell my soul and take advantage of this situation... I mean, it is a very tempting offer. Hardly any man would be able to resist it. If only I didn't yearn for more... If only I was only seeking to maximize pleasure and extract the most out of this... If I fuck myself up in order to play these fucked up little games, the damage might be irreversible. It might leave a mark. It might pull me too low. That's not who I want to become. I have a much greater and much brighter vision for myself...Yet I cannot deny that the offer turns me on. It's hot and it's messy. And something in me is attracted to that. Even though I know it's not good for me.

Truth on the mountain and Truth in the valley are the same Truth. Just coloured differently.

I acknowledge you and I release you now. Thank you for your service.

Lies Laying your guilt and pain On people that had no part in the molding of a life That creates its destruction Lies Right before your very eyes A reflection of the mistakes To the end you will deny Your part in the demise of a life Lack of comprehension Thriving on your cliche Compelled by self-resentment

Won't you feel bad while you're trashing out? Makes me feel sick to know she's had enough

I'm stronger than I was before Thus you reinforce these walls I can't fight you anymore Threatened by the open door All the chances I ignore I can't stand still anymore

I wish it was fair play. But it cannot be. The lesson would not be learned. The transformation would be incomplete. It must be twisted and unjust. You are the catalyst. You are the announcer of change.

To rise above and transform this reality, I must leave you behind. It pains me to see you broken and expired. You've come a long way. Please forgive me. I must go on.

Self unfolds like a disintegrating dream All revealed but the sinister cause My lying eyes come apart at the seams Still how could I ever regret the loss The self transformed into wave lengths Reverberating this unyielding dream Lost in this greedy illusion I'm forever devoured by the closed eye visual delusion

Everything is perfectly fine. I have no reason to worry about anything at all. It's just a bad habit. A pattern I must erase.

He is much more relaxed and friendly since we had the talk. I don't think we would if I didn't initiate. It's good that he let it out. I know he's been suppressing his thoughts and emotions for a while. I feel good here. I'm glad I found this place. It's perfect for this sequence.

The night is silent, but not dead. She went to bed early. We don't normally go to sleep separately. She usually falls asleep on my chest. Tonight is different. Something is changing. I've got more important things to give my attention to. My time and energy. Why is this relationship camouflaged as the most important thing in my life? It's really not. I'm on a mission here. I've got work to do. A goal to achieve. A vision to realize. I am committed to my purpose. I must shift my attention. I built a habit of obsessing over this. It's doing me no good. Calling no witnesses to the stand... Clearing my name with no evidence...

Why do I keep coming back to this? Why is the pattern repeating itself? What am I to see here? How is this taking me closer to where I want to be? Is it a trap? A distraction? How do I respond? What choices do I make? I love the sound of no one coming by...

Tonight you will kill me again, and the moon will take my place.

Hotel? Motel? Hostel? But also, public sex can be super fun.

Being is infinite. States are temporary. Cannot hold on forever.

Because everything that can exist, exists. That's unconditional Love. Making an exception, not allowing something to be, etc... would be a condition.