ivankiss

@Leo Gura I didn't ask for a picture or anything. Didn't text or nag her in any way. But if someone looked into your eyes and said that they have a long history of cheating and lying in relationships, you would worry too. It's not always insecurity. Sometimes there are legit reasons to worry. Even though I am doing this willingly. I know I'm playing with fire. Kind of gravitating towards this lately, yes. We did talk a lot, but I still wouldn't say that I trust her completely. So better detach a bit and not give it too much importance. As I said, I'm not taking this relationship too seriously.

@The0Self Yeah, I don't really need it to be open on any end. I'm perfectly satisfied with one girl only. This one or another. I had threesomes before, and it can be great I guess, but actually fully involving another girl into our relationship would be too much I guess. Too much drama and too expensive too lol. So yeah, I guess I'm open for some casual fun with another girl, but that's all. And I wouldn't miss it if it didn't happen. Btw, she just sent me a picture of the party... It looks quite chill and harmless. No guys around that are threatening in my eyes either lol. She's trying, I think...

@The0Self Yeah, we talked a lot about all this stuff. She kind of admitted that she does not know how to handle these situations. But she says she would draw the line if someone was to start touching her or anything like that. Clearly, even me having to bring this issue up says a lot... I'm not taking this girl super seriously, because of this and other red flags. But if we can improve certain things, why not try. I think she does not have bad intentions, just doesn't know how to navigate this stuff. She was always in relationships where there was cheating and stuff going on in the background, so it makes sense why she did not develop ways to deal with this. She just kind of went along with it before. She does enjoy the attention. Self esteem issues, and so on. Her words... But still, she says I shouldn't worry. @mr_engineer Yes, we did talk about it. She's bi and wouldn't mind another girl in this dynamic. And maybe, possibly, I would be up for that too. But another guy in the picture is just not an option. She's more for polyamory than against it, but supposedly wants us to be exclusive. She did not want an open relationship when I asked her about it.

Please forgive my twisted desire to be your saviour

Be it a friendship or a relationship, how seriously do you take it? How careful and cautious are you about choosing who you let into your circle? Do you have a criteria? Standards? Values? How committed are you, once in a relationship? How real and how honest are you? Is being in a relationship all fun and games to you, or do you see how relationships are a very delicate thing, and how things could lead in all kinds of directions? Do you see how it could be, potentially a disaster? If you are not aware of that, I don't think you give enough importance to relationships. Want it or not, when you let somebody come real close to you, and you start trusting them, and you maybe even start joining paths with them and building a future together... You will inevitable influence and affect each other in all kinds of way. It's a simple and obvious thing, yes, but with monumental implications. So for that reason, I take my friendships and relationships very seriously. My circle is quite small. Deliberately and on purpose. I have no need for many friends. I prefer 3 or 4, but real ones. And when I am in a relationship, I am not half assing it. I am fully immersed and committed. I do not fuck around or play games. I am looking to join forces, so to speak, and co-create or lives together. And that is a pretty big deal to me. Unless... It is agreed in advance that it's all just fun and games. An adventure. That's a different story. Point is, it must be as clean and as true as it can be. What do you think... Should I loosen up? Where do you stand on this? How important it is to you who you surround yourself with?

When I'm composing, I never know where the song might take me. There are infinite directions you could go, when writing a piece of music. It's really about listening real close and letting the music tell you where it wants to go. You simply follow and write things down. I think that's how you achieve that perfect flow. Happy with what I'm currently working on. It's coming together real nice.

Feeling pretty damn good. Optimistic and enthusiastic. Probably because sex was fucking great last night. And this morning lol. It's been a few rough days, but over all things are good. Great things are heading my way. I know it. I just have to survive the lows, when they come. All is well, and sometimes life can suck ass. It's all how it should be.

@Devin I hear you... Thanks.

I'll confess this: you're my tragedy I laid you to rest just as fast as you turned on me Gone forever, banished the memories This place of pleasure are masked by your misery Straight out of line I can't find a reason Why I should justify my ways Straight out of line, I don't need a reason You don't need to lie to me

Nobody will ever see you as you are. It's just not possible. The sooner you accept that, the better.

In your relationship, there will be times when you're not only unhappy, but even miserable. And that's ok. It doesn't necessarily mean that things should end. It can be an indicator that you are going through a period of growth that is essential for the long term health of your relationship. Don't allow happiness to be the primary metric on whether your relationship is healthy or unhealthy.

I will fucking see this through. I don't give a fuck what it takes. Only death can stop me. And not even.

Not a huge fan of the emotional scale, but it can be helpful sometimes. It can make you a bit more aware of what's going on within you. So I'm going to leave this here just as a reminder:

If you don't allow yourself to feel the bottom level of emotions you're capping the amount of positive emotions you can feel. If you wanna go higher and feel higher vibrational emotions, you must become ok with feeling lower vibrational emotions. You cannot embody bliss without any roots. It's not about avoiding feeling bad and trying to mask it with good feelings. It's about feeling whatever rises up and transforming it. That's true emotional maturity.

Letting go is actually very easy. What's difficult is to hold onto something that's harming you. What's difficult is making the choice to just drop it.

8 more months and I'm out of this country. Sometimes it seems like it's too far away, but I cannot lie, time does fly much faster with you around. Everything is so still and silent when I'm on my own... I must see this through. I must finish what I started. It's tempting to give up and go back to my old ways... especially if I think about you leaving... but I cannot do that. I want this. I want to realize my vision. It's my greatest transformation yet. And even though it seem far away, the process is still super accelerated. I'm doing a lot in a short timeframe. Changing several core aspects of myself. Growing at lightning speed. And that comes with pain and lots of challenges. There's just no way around it. I must go through. I cannot say that you are holding me back just yet. But you do cause extra pain and confusion in me. You also bring a lot of joy and pleasure into my life, but it's mixed with all that nastiness. Therefore I cannot really say that I want to take you with me when the time comes and I leave. I do not want to drag this with me. I want a clean, fresh start and I doubt you could adjust to that. I doubt you could follow me into this new life that I'm creating.

I'm already bending over things way too much. No healthy, high value guy would tolerate half of the shit you do. I'm sacrificing a lot of myself in order to make this work. Not too much, because then I would be out of the picture definitely, but still, quite a lot. It's not good for me, or us. I cannot be the one to heal you and set you straight. I cannot teach you what relationships are about. I played that game once before and it was hell. I don't want to break myself over this. It's not worth it.

You hurt me too many times from the very beginning. I can never be my full self with you because of that. I am always hurting behind the scenes. I'm always expecting you to fuck me over.

Difficult not to feel a little bit Disappointed and passed over When I look right through To see you naked but oblivious And you don't see me But I threw you the obvious Just to see if there's more behind The eyes of a fallen angel Eyes of a tragedy Here I am expecting Just a little bit too much from the wounded but I see, see through it all See through, see you

I do not seek pain and suffering. But when it comes knocking on my door, I invite it in and I sit with it as long as it wants to stay. It's ok to suffer. It's ok to be in pain. There is a very good reason why it's showing up. There's something left to learn. I wish you could see the depths of all this. But I'm afraid all you're capable of seeing is just the tip of the iceberg. In that sense, we are light years apart.

There's nothing that Oneness desires more than to relate. In relationships, the true level of your mastery is shown.

Just take one good look at the pain that you're trying so hard to avoid. That right there is the reason why we cannot last. That pain, and your unwillingness to feel and heal, is what's in between us. That's the blockage. That's the veil.

This is not a test of power This is not a game to be lost or won Let justice be done There will be zero tolerance For the creator of hallowed intentions There will be zero tolerance Fate is your deciding God

In my absence now Irrelevant time will pass In nothingness abide See the evening rise and take my word for it Focus is beyond your vision Will unfold my empty space Your Time froze over I must lead the way to this conclusion I let you inherit these words I sing to you See how death will bestow seclusion The one you are looking for is hidden from view