Flu. Of course. Fucking awesome.
Feeling kind of weak and emotional. Nostalgic, even. Of course my thoughts are gravitating towards her and our cozy little apartment... But that's not actually what I'm missing. It's deeper than that. This hole inside my heart... it has nothing to do with anyone or anything else but me.
That is why it's no surprise that I'm here all alone. It is not an accident. My whole life has been preparing me for this. Especially this last decade.
I am bold enough to say that only I can pull this off. Only I have what it takes. Only I know the way.
It makes perfect sense to me why I must walk alone, at least this part of the journey. And I do not hide or feel ashamed for wishing I had someone by my side. I think I wish it was you... I still do. But I see it so clearly... I know it's not possible. I know I can truly evolve only if I do this on my own. And do it for real. Not half ass it. Not sleep walk through it. But truly give it my all.
I can applaud myself for this last phase, that's for sure. I walked away from someone I still loved a lot, lost my home, moved to the other side of Europe, bounced back from homelessness in a month, got a solid job, made some new connections, had some fun. And that's just since this winter.
To say that it was wild and intense, would be a massive understatement.
I'm in a good spot right now. I really am. Well, besides this fucking flu and my shitty thoughts and feelings. I've got everything I need to make that next big step. To level up, yet again. To break through. I just need to put myself together a bit and make that decision. Take that action. Execute.
I should not have time to think about what has come to pass. And the fact that I do have, even too much time to think about it all, is a clear sign that I'm not doing enough. I'm stuck.
I can't blame myself too much. I most definitely needed a shot period of rest. Healing and reflecting. Catching my breath. But I also do need a kick in the butt, any one of these days now.
I thought about everything that needed to be thought about. From all angles and positions. I visited, re visited, felt and re lived it all, over and over again.
It should be enough, right about now.
I just have to decide really fucking hard, make that new step and not look back. I am bound to burn if I stay trapped in this loop. I must make my way out. And tomorrow is my first opportunity to start doing just that.
Again I pray for health and strength.
