ivankiss

Questions ask themselves. I has nothing with questions. I doesn't know what the question is until it asks itself. Why is there echo in the silence? What is the question asking for?

First came now, then came here.

You asked this already. It is a game. It is nothing. Play (out) Love !

No such thing.

Flawless.

The cult leads itself. Benthino is kickass and a jerk.

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace. It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive. So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all. THE STORY SAYS: Ivan went to bed around 3 a.m. He was having an online meeting the next morning with his new mentor, Sašo. Ivan was excited and determined to change their financial circumstance. He was prepared to take every step necessary and learn how to make constant profits. He stayed up reading in his bed for some time, then he fell asleep; binaural beats were playing in the background. He likes falling asleep to binaural beats. They help him with visualizations and guide him into his dreams. Ivan desires to express himself now: I woke up feeling good. Wasn't bursting with energy, but I was feeling alright. I decided to take a cold shower. It shook me up nicely. Afterwards I ate one slice of bread with butter and strawberry jam. It was enough, kinda; soothed my belly a bit. Had to save some bread for later. I then drank one coffee and practiced some yoga. My body was stretched, there was more room for the breath. Then I prepared myself one more coffee and sat on our lovely balcony. I was waiting for Sašo's video-call. It was a bright, sunny day. I felt focused and in the zone, although I would't mind sleeping a bit longer. I like sleeping. The meeting went great. Sašo is a cool dude. He gave me exactly what I needed; confirmation and thumbs up. He complimented my will to learn and to perfect this profession. I knew I got trading covered theoretically during the past few months. There is not that much to it, really. I simply had to learn on my mistakes and work on myself. Every trader goes through this process- Sašo assured me. He told me I should establish a strong system, stick to it and not let myself be distracted. In other words; my way is the only way. I was glad to hear this, as I was not resonating with indicators or anything that could cause confusion and hesitation. Sašo also confirmed that the forex market is no place for emotions and overthinking. One has to be present, calm and steady yet on high alert. For this business, you gotta have the "nerves of steel". We agreed on another call later. He offered to share his screen with me, while his team speculates entries for profitable trades. I was very grateful for his guidance. THE STORY SAYS: During this time, Diana took a shower and did some yoga as well. After Ivan finished his meeting, the two shared a few words, expressed their excitement towards new opportunities and continued their day. They were reading in silence for some time. Ivan then decided to do a short work out. He wants to be more fit and gain a few pounds. Ivan often skips meals; sometimes because of the lack of resources, other times out of forgetfulness and laziness. They both desire order on that matter. Ivan desires to express himself now: Working out after a few days of "doing nothing" felt awesome. I love to sweat and feel them muscles workin'! My body is changing big time. Diana's as well. These two years have been a huge transformation for both of us. It is still unfolding. When I look into the mirror, I see the potential waiting to fully emerge. I see where my body's headed, and I love it. Nevertheless I lost weight, big time, so I do get uncomfortable with that notion from time to time. Depends on my mood, I guess. After the work out I took another shower and prepared myself a meal. As I was eating alone, outside on our balcony, a realization came to me. For the past few days, I was kinda worried about the ongoing re-contextualization process and how that might change everything. I was aware of the fact, that the plate I was holding in my hand does not really exist. Nor does the bread, nor do the eggs, nor the sausages. Everything around me, including me is pure concept down to it's core. I know that I only see a plate because I believed my whole life it exists. I believed it has a certain shape, texture, weight, purpose. I believed it was separate. And this applies to everything. Whoa. I let thoughts go and there was pure awareness. Felt like I was a giant; at least 12' tall. Everything looked exactly the same, there just wasn't any thought form present. I was not Ivan. I was nothing. Everything was nothing. Soon after, thoughts entered the mind again. I wondered: "Do I see everything as it is based on pure concept and belief? What would there be if I wasn't believing my whole life that the palm tree should look exactly like that? What sound would there be if I wasn't believing the waves should produce such a sound? How would wind be experienced? Can I change my beliefs radically, to such an extend that the physical world would change utterly and completely? How do I re-build these concepts? Do I have to impose new belief onto things and keep believing that way for another 20 years to see change? Can I choose what I see; literally? Can I choose to believe there is no gravity? How do I do that?" I was aware of the contradiction and the paradox. But I don't mind my curiosity, if I can call it my own. I was very calm and present. I kept repeating: "Ok. Ok. I see now. Everything is here regardless, it's not going anywhere. It's just me that's in the way. I'm constantly imposing concepts and reinforcing believes. This is how everything seems solid. All is well." Maybe I can change these concepts and what appears to be, maybe not, I don't know just yet. It's all new now. Everything is different yet completely the same. I often sense the urge to skip ahead, see what's afterwards or behind. I want to have control over my own. I'm not sure yet if that's bad or not. After all, "control" and "bad" are concepts as well. I will investigate. THE STORY SAYS: Afterwards, Ivan laid down to rest and clear his mind for an hour. Binaural beats were playing in the background once again. Ivan needed the rest; soon he would meet online with Sašo and start trading. He wandered in the corridors of his mind, he stared into the ceiling, he visualized; breathing deeply. Ivan knows how to let all thoughts go, including himself. He knows the "way out". He just does not know what to do with this ability. Ivan is on a path of Self-discovery. He is a little detective. Ivan desires to express himself now: I was ready to trade when I got up. But I also had the desire to just do nothing. I feel like I'm way too "high" at times for all the earthly stuff that needs to be done. Once we started, I wasn't surprised to see that I got everything figured out on my own, already. The support-resistance levels I draw in my mind were the same as those of the mentor narrating the live webinar. Even his speculations were obvious to me. I was present, focused and determined. I noticed a few nudges from my emotions that were previously arising while I'd trade. I also noticed thoughts trying to distract me. But I successfully recognized those for what they are. They belonged in my past. Now I'm new. I have a few new cards in my sleeve. I was confident and steady. I opened three trades after the webinar ended. I left them be. The market was still indecisive; consolidating. Diana was starting to feel the weight on her heart, caused by the burden she carries around because of her mother landing us money all the time. At times, I'd feel like shit because of this myself. But not today. I know I am way too close to let myself get demotivated. I know I am about to turn everything around any moment now. I am patient. I am steady. In the past, we would end up fighting because of us being unable to communicate to each-other these feelings of guilt and shame. It's really heavy. Today though, I chose Love, consciously and deliberately. I managed to calm Diana down. She needs me now more than ever. I tried to radiate as much Love as I could while she was sobbing. I gave my best to let her know, with my every touch and move, that I'm here. That I got her. That I will take care of everything. She was very grateful. We soon were laughing again, gathering our strengths and optimism. We know it's worth it. Everything is necessary. We are very close. Our journey is indeed special and means a lot to us. It is ever-expansive. It is ever-evolving. It is now.

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace. It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive. So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all. THE STORY SAYS: Last night, after finishing the first page of his new digital journal, Ivan felt proud. He never tried before to express himself through words this precisely. He never tried to paint with words. It did not seem "colorful" enough to him. Ivan was all about musical notes. He has been writing his Story that way since he can remember, more or less. This realization made Ivan connect a few more dots. Diana was the first to read his first page. She was also very proud of Ivan. She told him how amazed she was by it; how she found it very entertaining, funny and therapeutic. She told him she could not wait to read the next page. This meant a lot to Ivan. He admires Diana's ability to read books for several days straight, non-stop. Ivan had a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. His desire for appreciation and validation was satisfied. The two love birds then continued doing what they are best at: Being what they are, exchanging ideas and opinions, laugh and entertain each-other. Love is in the air, indeed it is. They stayed up until 6 a.m. Time flies by when the two are in the "flow". Ivan was admiring the picture that was being painted in front of their eyes. They sat on the balcony until sunrise. There is a lot of big, strong palm trees surrounding their apartment. The colors were full and alive. The light of the new Sun being born created a dream-like scenery. Birds were singing their songs, the ocean waves were colliding tirelessly, the small Sri Lankan town was slowly waking up. Diana and Ivan were about to go to sleep though. After a few days of sleeping apart, they decided to share a bed again. Ahh, the sparkling eyes. The warm gaze. The sense of security and unity. The two truly are home wherever they roam. "Next day", Ivan woke up first, again. He was smiling already. He knew exactly what is up, so to speak. He laid his eyes on Diana. Her long, golden hair was covering some of her face. She was dreaming carelessly. Ivan was so grateful for "hitting the love jackpot". It's one of the greatest gifts of life one could receive - Ivan believes. He stayed in the bed for a while. Looking through the window, absorbing the light of the Sun. He was melting in joy and bliss. The couple adopted a Sri Lankan stray kitty a few weeks ago. The poor thing was frightened, lonely and hungry. They named her "Zeudi". She has found her new home and slowly became familiar with safety and love. Zeudi was sleeping on the bed next to Diana's thighs. Ivan now decided to get up and slowly start playing out his Story. He was excited. Ivan desires to express himself now: Wow. What a beautiful morning. I don't think I felt better ever before. I am alive! This is new, this is great! I did not care much about me thinking or not thinking this day. I was not trying to ignore any thought or fight them off. I was rather simply becoming aware of them and recognizing them for what they are. I was letting them flow through me effortlessly. I was breathing now. Surrender I needed to. I knew this. I always do know. But I don't always "take my own advice", or anybody's - for that matter. Sometimes I resist things way too much. I tend to get stubborn, one could say. Not this time though. Was I enlightened this day? I don't know. Who knows? Not me. All I know is that I felt fulfilled, vibrant and alive. I was on track, I was in the flow and in the zone. I was passionate about my every step. Each one of them were taking me closer to new discoveries and accomplishments. New fulfillment, growth and expansion. There was also a sense of stability and balance. I was focused. Although I did not have much on my "to do list". I was patient. Like the Lion, that I am. I gently woke up Diana. She was also feeling amazing. Her ear troubles were slowly but surely disappearing. We then drank our "wake up" coffee and I read through my new digital story; reflecting back onto what happened the previous day. I loved it. I could already feel the benefits of it. I am so grateful I started expressing myself again. It's been a while. We are 2 days behind with our rent. Our landlords live downstairs. It is a giant house. We were reminded by them that it's time to pay for the following month. We agreed they'd wait for 2 more days. Diana's mother will then be able to help us out, again. I noticed the option of becoming anxious or panicky about the topic. Or just incredibly guilty because of us being a burden for Diana's mother. But it went smoothly and I somehow was not "distracted". I then went to the nearby small shop, as I often do, to buy a few minor things, including "soukele" - which is a Sri Lankan word for "rolling paper", apparently. One could say I know my way around here now. THE STORY SAYS: On his way back from the shop, Ivan decided to walk by the ocean. The environment there is tropical and raw. Ivan loves it. It has that "island feel" to it - he'd say. Sand, waves, big rocks, palm trees, old wooden fishing boats on the beach-side. Some locals, who are mostly fishermen live with their families in small, minimalist beach-houses. Ivan even made a friend or two previously here. It is also the place to go to if one desires some "wisdom weed" - as Ivan likes to label it. Hospitality and friendliness is not unknown to these people. Ivan enjoyed waving and smiling at everyone. He was immersed in nature. The Sun was shining kindly. A few feet before their Sri Lankan home, Ivan "bumped" into Rocky. He is one of the many stray dogs also living on the beaches of North Kaluthara. Ivan and Rocky became great buddies shortly after the couple arrived to the town. Diana had the passion to often cook for and feed these hungry dogs. Ivan would help her carry the heavy bowls of food. That is how he and Rocky came across each-other. It was a strong connection. Rocky is Alpha. He "runs the streets" - Ivan would say. He is always very happy to see Ivan and is even protective of him. He tends to get jealous when other dogs try to approach Ivan. What a fellow. Dinusha, the housewife was waiting in front of the house for the school bus to arrive. Sujith, the hard working father and Dinusha have been together for more than 20 years now. After 15 years of trying, Buddha blessed them with their miracle-child - Sassenia. She is now 7 years old. The family sticks together and minds their own business. Ivan desires to express himself now: They seem happy to me, in their own way. We get along pretty nicely. Except for when we perceive them differently. Dinusha reminded me they really need that rent money, first thing Friday morning. They struggle as well, I suspect. Sujith is working his ass off. The guy leaves at dawn, returns at night. I respect him for that. He is very low-key. He is also an amazing artist. His hand drawings are incredible. He draws amazing, extremely symmetrical portraits. We agreed he'd draw mine and Diana's as well, before we leave. I entered our home. Diana has already done some yoga. She was full of life. We then read, drunk more coffee, smoked and talked. It is also not unusual for us to be just completely silent for hours, sitting next to each-other, minding our own business. There is a very pleasant vibe to this silence, we both love it. It started raining, so we decided to move inside. More reading, more coffee, more talk, more silence. It was nice. We also have another cat named Joy. He has been a part of our family for quite a while now. He is a strong, pure white, wise, charismatic cat. We adore him. He adores himself; so it seems. We "dragged" him from Slovenia with us. He has a journey of his own. Zeudi, the newest and youngest member and Joy were both chilling with us and enjoying the sound of rain. Then I remembered I forgot to buy milk. We needed it for our dinner. I don't mind walking, in fact, I love it. On my way to the local shop I was present, grounded and blissful. The guy who works in this shop is cool; laid back. We get along nicely. I feel like he likes having me as a regular customer. As I approached the counter I wanted to say "hello", but he took the word out of my mouth. Except that he did not intended it to me. He just answered a phone call. I though to myself: "Synchronicity, ay? That's cool". I don't know why, but I had this fear ever since I had that shattering "hospital trip", more than two years ago. I feared that everything and everybody would turn completely synced and my "soul" and "heart" would get sucked out of reality. It's a weird sensation, it really is. It's like I myself would turn into an object and there would be subject no more. But. I feared none today. I bought the milk and made my way back home. THE STORY SAYS: Soon Ivan started preparing the dinner for the two of them. He loves cooking for himself and Diana. He loves when Diana enjoys the meals he prepares. He's also quite good at it. He has been experimenting with ingredients, cooking for himself from a very young age. There were times when little Ivan had to take care of himself, by himself. There just wasn't anybody around. He knows the most important ingredient for a delicious meal is Love. Ivan is very present when he's cooking. Today he decided to make mashed potatoes, grilled sausages and boiled eggs. Topping it all with a chicken-flavored sauce. It's what they can afford at the moment. The couple loves mashed potatoes. Ivan prepares it with special care. No fancy mixers. He uses a simple fork to grind the potatoes. This burns his finger, but Ivan knows it's worth it. It always ends up being perfect. Ivan desires to express himself now: While the eggs and potatoes were cooking, I was walking around the apartment, thinking, not thinking. I tend to do that often. Sometimes great ideas enter my head that way. I knew this "free space" was an opportunity to take a quick shower; as once I'm full, there's little chance I'd do it. I was so freakin' immersed in contemplation and meditation for the past couple of days, that I completely wiped out all time for self-care and hygiene. Contradicting; is it now? The water felt great. Refreshing. Rejuvenating. We don't have warm water. Ever since we arrived to Sri Lanka. It is not a must here. At first it was though. I especially hated cold water ever since I can remember. I LOVED hot water. Like, very hot. But now I came to love the cold as well, honestly. I just surrender to it and let it run down my body. I like taking cold showers first thing in the morning, sometimes. It puts me exactly where I need to be. Here and Now. While I was bathing a memory came to me. I remembered the timeless shower I had while tripping on LSD back in Slovenia. I was completely immersed in it. It felt like I was under the biggest, loudest waterfall that there is. Yet I was one with the waterfall. I was every drop of it. I locked myself into the shower cabinet and I chanted with my eyes closed, melting in the echo of my own voice. Except that is was not my own. It was Gods. I felt like a newborn after this experience. Diana, who was tripping with me that night, saw me as the happiest 6 year old, ever. This brought up new thoughts and a mini-contemplation while I was still under the shower. I wondered why do I feel separate from the water at this moment. I knew the answer was "exactly because of this thought", but I felt like there is more to it. So I wondered further. I know each moment is timeless and space-less. They have no dimension to them. Every moment is completely static and independent of every other. I know this because I was once able to "pause" all moments. And just see one picture at a time. Although it's freakin' impossible for me to articulate this just yet, I know what I experienced and that's all that matters. This led to more thoughts: "Will I be able to do that ever again? Will I be able to pause reality and influence it, shape it, skip ahead or do whatever the heck I want? Is that possible? It must be. Everything is and nothing isn't. Can I stay involved in this, or is it not possible while operating from the concept Ivan?" I noticed a sense of wanting to control rising up, so I slowly let the thoughts go. After the shower, I winked at the mirror. I spoke to it: "You got this. You got the message. Love is the only answer. We're good." I complimented my own hair, again. I love my new hairstyle. I've been rockin' it for a few months now. It's unlike anything I had before and it suit's my new personality. Felt good. THE STORY SAYS: After the shower, Ivan still had some free time until the potatoes were fully cooked. He shared a few brief words with Diana, complimented her in subtle ways and then decided to pick his acoustic guitar up. It has been a few days since Ivan played. He was excited, even if he played just for a few minutes. There are only three strings left on his guitar. They are old and rusty. Ivan did not make the choice to buy new ones for quite some time. He feels like it's supposed to be that way now. Weird fellow. After the meal, Ivan wrote to his Slovenian friend Sašo, who is supposed to be his new mentor. The money was today deposited on Ivan's live forex trading account. Ivan feels ready to learn his way towards financial freedom. He want to hit the "financial jackpot" as well. He now has a new approach. He now has deeper love and understanding. He now has more patience and stronger focus. Ivan is determined to make big profits. He now knows that nothing and everything are One. Ivan is on fire! Ivan desires to express himself now: I know when I hold my guitar my fingers do the work themselves. I don't have to do a thing about it! There is pure awareness working it's magic only. I completely merged with this instrument over these 13 years. It thought me so much. It showed me the way to heaven. I cannot limit my love towards music to make it fit in words. It's just infinite. While the guitar was playing itself, thoughts started rising up: "Is this how everyone is when they achieve mastery in their field? Are they completely empty? Merely a vehicle for God doing it's magic? Is this how all the rockstars came to be? Is it because they completely surrendered themselves to the universe? Or is this how you sell your soul to the Devil? - Oh yeah, they're one and the same, ok." The meal was phenomenal. I do want to stop skipping breakfast and lunch soon. It's not the best for my body. I also want to return to my work out and yoga routine. I feel like a powerhouse when I do those. And I need all the energy in the world now. I gotta make this forex thing work. Millions of people are making millions daily. I know I can have my share. I deserve it, damn it! I suffered long enough. I watched others with less talent or no talent at all having far more support and wealth than me. I watched greedy bosses and scammers getting their pockets full, not questioning a thing. I can do it too. And I can do so without harming or scamming anybody. I can do it the right way. My way. I can do it in Love. I will, I swear both to God and The Devil. It's my time. It's here. It is now.

That is an invitation for Love. Try loving the depression, it is not the enemy. The bright side of life is that there is life at all. Letting go is done by loving and accepting what IS.

You can love NOW. And breathe. That's all you can do. There is no need for hunting down your "ego". Just let thoughts go. And when they do arise, love them, don't resist them, acknowledge them as they are (NOT YOURS) and let them fly by. In a way, you have to ignore the shit out of them. But still love them. This is how the "ego" dies, slowly.

@Hellspeed @ground So Ivan will never be able to bend the spoon, ay? He is not meant to do so. IVAN MUST BE DESTROYED

How does the spoon bend if there is no spoon? Why does the spoon appear to be solid, when it's clearly not? Where does it begin and where does it end? Where are it's limitations? How does it appear to be? How does the spoon bend?! What makes it seem solid? Concept? Belief? Anyone experimenting with this? Any results?

Everything is possible and nothing is. The only thing that's woowoo is the thought of youyou. Don't forget to laugh and love. Thoughts might go crazy and take your breath.

@Mezanti The mind is supposed to be fucked. Hard. With Love. Embrace contradictions, they are key and unimportant. "Enlightenment" is the ultimate paradox. And it's yummy.

You would not be you. You would be everything and nothing simultaneously. In fact, you never even were you, ever. You just thought you were.

Why do you assume the master would crap his pants? How can you know? What if he would actually smile? What if the lion is the master? Thoughts cannot be enlightened. Nothing can change in actuality. "You" would still eat, sleep, have sex, or whatever the heck. There just would not be a thought of "you" doing anything. This might be horrifying or Godlike. One cannot avoid one's purpose. Love and passion are present regardless of thoughts.

@ground Been trying, not bending yet. Confused about what and where exactly should bend. Is the belief that there is a spoon preventing the bend?

Both are necessary or else the story would not be the story. One has to be open so One can destroy. Loving your message.

One could spend lifetimes proving or disproving enlightenment exists. There is no such a thing. That is what it isn't. One has to know one does not know at all, with certainty.

The smartphone is just a distraction. It is also you and necessary. You are trying to "distract" yourself from yourself. Try loving the distraction, it may make the distraction disappear sooner than you think and your work will carry on smoothly. The "issue" is on the mental plane. That is why it cannot be solved from there. Love is the answer, trust me. Or don't. Just love even deeper Once you accept it all, you become actually free to choose what and when to do. Also, this might not be true at all. Just trying to help

Your life IS the reward. You love grinding and doing what you do, don't you? You are passionate about it, aren't you? You also have all the time in the world to actualize your intentions, don't you? Does it matter then what comes first and what second? It is all about what you are already doing anyways. Don't judge yourself for not doing things when you think they should be done. Love your story

Why do you think you have very little practical, real world application? Why do you think you are not open minded enough? Logic is not logical, actually.

You hate it cuz you ain't it. You must go through. The spiral IS you.

Knock knock. -Who is it? It is You. -You Who? You Whoisdeluded.