ivankiss

I feel like this might be an issue for many. It may as well be the reason why those who are enlightened, metaphorically speaking, are unable to leave the concept of enlightenment and nothingness behind. This is where purpose comes in. This is where passion takes over. Creativity. Meaning. Connection. Expansion. Expression. Love. This is the birth of The Creator. The end of victimhood. The recognition of will. It is living in the here and now. It is following your excitement without questioning a thing. It is the ultimate fulfillment. It is that which gives meaning to the meaningless. While seeking, achieving this should be one's highest motive. You did not start walking this path to run in circles. You started it to wake up to your totality. To become it. Not to be stuck on philosophizing about being it. You are the master. Show it. Express it uniquelly. Don't use limitations in order to describe your infinitude. Be infinite here and now. Play the game of being human. Do it in a most loving and accepting way. Respect this journey. You did not create it to spit on it once you become aware of it. Do not deny the sleep. Simply be awake; now that you've awakened. Love.

Instead of trying to point out all concepts and expose their non-existance; we could realize that concepts are a part of our creation as well. They are nescessery. They are there for us to create understanding and perfect our communication skills. It is fragmentation. It is limiting. It is describing the indescribable. It is hallucination. Even two individuals agreeing on a certain common "truth" is a hallucination. They simply agree to hallucinate the same truth into their experience. It is illusory. We should be aware of these things. Simply make peace with all parts of creation. Do not try to limit it. You will fail. Be open. Inclusive. Love your illusion. Love your masterpiece. Rest in eternal peace.

Careful now; don't use yourself against yourself. Acknowledge the beleifs, let them be what they are, transcend them. Got a smile on my face tho, thanks

I guess one could say; There is a difference between being nothing and trying to let everyone know you are it. Forcing truth kinda ruins the whole point of the truth. Nothing speaks through everything. Forever.

@SOUL Agreed. I did not have an intention to get way too serious about this haha. Just had a little fun with throwing some concepts around.

Jeez, I'm such a hippy at times

@zambize Exactly my point. Instead; let's celebrate in union and bliss. Let's create something beautiful! A unique memory for the Universe to remember. Let's get drunk in our creation. Who cares if it's real or not. Percisely nobody.

@SOUL "I'm at peace with it" is also a concept. There is no "I", no "peace", no "it". No liberation. I would say there is nothing, but that would be a concept as well. I'll just leave this hearth right here ❤️

Hello everyone! I am new to the forum and I decided to share with you one of the most profound and frightening experiences I ever had. I've been following Leo's work and guidance for quite a while now and I became eager to join this community and interact with like-minded individuals. I want to express how amazed I am by the support and help you guys provide here to each-other. I am honored to be a part of this. Not sure if I should introduce myself, so I'm going to keep it short and straight forward. I am a 24 years old male. Born and raised in Serbia, Europe. Grew up without a father and with a dysfunctional, narcissistic mother. At age 15, my mother decided to move us to Slovenia, where I attended high school and lived through my teen years. Ended up working as a waiter for 2-3 years, before finally deciding to focus on my calling and greatest passion - music. Music was there for me since I can remember. It was the parent I never really had, it was my medicine, it was my coping mechanism, it was my way to express everything I was struggling with. It kept me "on track" and away from most of the potential disasters I had the chance to engage in. From a very young age, ever since I first laid my hands on a guitar, I had a clear sense of a "mission". It was like I knew exactly what I needed to do in this lifetime, I just did not have the wisdom to articulate it yet. I became "obsessed" and I practiced day and night, with the intention to share my message one day with the world. At age 22 I became fed up with my job and my controlling mother, so I decided to move yet again - this time by myself - and focus on what really matters to me. I took a major leap, based on blind faith and synchronicity and moved to Portugal to "chase" my dreams. At the time I was working on a project, which I planned to release there and hopefully start doing what I love, professionally and full time. I had little to zero money and almost equally so - no support from anyone. I was producing hip hop beats for local Portugal rappers on the side in order to get by. It was not really "my thing", but nevertheless I was finally focused on music only. Which fulfilled my whole being. I felt like I was reborn and even though I was "struggling", I already felt as I've won. I was splitting a larger apartment with two other roommates, who were very artistically oriented, so the overall vibe of the environment was awesome! I never really had the chance to live the "college lifestyle" before, so I decided to have some fun with local students and go out every once in a while. It was on one of these occasions that I had the experience, which I want to share with you. I also want to mention that I was already doing some "spiritual work" at the time and I also meditated tons throughout my whole life by playing my instrument of choice. I was able to tap into and embody my higher self, which is a necessary part of the creative process for me. Needless to say, this connection was not maintained throughout my daily activities and interactions. It was only present when I opened up myself to the melodies and ideas that wanted to flow through me and become actual. here in this physical realm. So now that you have a "background" I am going to jump into the experience itself. Please try and stick with me 'till the end, I promise it will be worth reading. At first it may seem as if this is just a perfect display of stupidity and immaturity, but that's exactly what I needed back then in order to come to profound realizations and transform entirely. So let's dive in. It was a regular nigh-out for the students of Caldas da Rainha. The city was small and vibrant, full of young people (mostly artistically oriented) who loved to interact and have long, deep, intellectual debates while hanging out in local bars. Needless to say, they also loved to drink a lot and experiment with various substances. Shrooms, MDMA and LSD were among the most popular ones. Prior to my arrival to Portugal, I had a handful of experiences with a few drugs, but I never had any of those 'mind-blowing' trips or anything. I got drunk here and there and I also fancied smoking weed. But I was not emphasizing these things in my life as a lot of other young people do. One of my roommates, who liked going out frequently, showed up at the apartment with a baggie of mushrooms and some MDMA. The other roommate and I were already smoking some weed and drinking some alcohol. We did not have the intention to get "hammered" as we were both working on our projects simultaneously. However, the roommate, who I will here refer to as "the party animal", insisted and wanted us to take a break from our projects and do some shrooms and/or MDMA with him. We rejected him for a few brief moments after which we finally "gave up" and decided to take some MDMA. I do not know how much we took, since he prepared a dosage wrapped in a rolling paper for us to swallow, but looking back I assume it was not a micro-dose. Irresponsible, yeah. We were already high from the weed and kinda drunk as well. We were chatting and listening to music while "waiting" for the MDMA to kick in. Some time has passed this way, we still did not feel any effects so we all took another dosage of M. It was shortly after this that I decided to go "all the way" and do some shrooms with "the party animal" as well. And so I slipped further down the road of irresponsibility (lol). THANK GOD the roommate that was with me all along did not make the same decision, so it ended up being the two of us who were going to be tripping, with the third one "trip-sitting" us. We took a handful (?!) of shrooms and started talking about what we could do to create an awesome experience. We came up with a plan to get to the local park (which is dreamy and beautiful) before the shrooms kicked in. then merge with nature and melt in joy and bliss. Little did we know, it was not going to be such a smooth ride, not at all. And so the "nightmare" begun...We never made it to the park. And it was like literally 12 minutes away, walking. As we left the apartment, we all felt great. I remember feeling on top of my game and even a bit over-confident. Nothing too dick-heady though. I am generally a more laid back and quiet guy. We laughed a lot, talked about god knows what, riding the epic vibes of the streets. Of course, ''party animal'' suggested we should stop briefly in our favorite bar called "Deja-vu", to have a quick beer before the shrooms kicked in. The two us agreed, since the bar was on the middle of our way to the park. It's been now well over 30 minutes since I swallowed the shrooms and probably around a bit less than two hours since I took MDMA. Just a few steps before the bar, I started noticing some weird shit. And I mean like really weird. It was like I would get sucked out of my reality for a brief moment and then I would be thrown back into a slightly different version of it. It was like a series of super fast black-outs, with the exception that I would remain aware throughout this phenomena. I was fully aware of "reality" when I was in it as well as of the "void" or "nothingness" when I got sucked out. I saw clearly as I see my hands right now, exactly "how" I got detached from my environment. And it felt exactly like that. Like I detached myself. I saw my visual perception somehow curving at the corners and turning into a ball, before popping into nothingness right before "my eyes". This was happening extremely fast. So much so that I had no "time" to react to it when I was "in reality". Needless to say, I started resisting this A LOT and became extremely scared, paranoid and confused in an instance. I never expected neither this nor what was yet to come. Never in a million years. I wanted to gaze at the stars and have a pleasant trip. I was in for a rude awakening. Somehow, I managed to "slow" this phenomena of "disappearing-reappearing" down by resisting the shit out of it with every strength I had left. Thinking back, I should've just surrendered and collapsed right there, but my ego did not want to admit to itself that this "thing" was WAY stronger than it. So I dragged myself to the bar and somehow managed to sit down and order a beer. I kept telling myself this is just a temporary thing. I thought it will subside soon, I'll chill down a bit, have a beer and slowly continue walking towards the park. I don't know why, but it seemed to me at the time as if this park was our "safe space". Our home. Almost like heaven or something. All this time I mentioned nothing to my roommates. They seemed alright to me. Having fun and chatting. I wanted to act that way as well. I didn't want to allow myself to be "that guy" and cause drama or anything. My ego was fighting harder than ever to survive and stay present. It quickly became worse, as I wanted to stand up and go to the toilet. I collapsed down onto the table in front of us and knocked off a few bottles and glasses, embarrassing myself big time. It was as if my knees were failing to hold me. Even this I resisted and tried to get up on my feet and act cool as if nothing was going on. Of course I failed to do so and ended up falling repeatedly, several times until my roommates came to a quick conclusion that I was "loosing it". They helped me up and decided it's clearly best if the one that wasn't tripping on shrooms took me back to our apartment. "Party animal" would stay in Deja-vu to have fun with his other classmates and friends. And here's where the nightmare started to get real. It was not nearly done with me. It only got started. I went only downhill from this point on. And boy did I spiral down quickly and efficiently. I should mention, this "sober" roommate, who was about to drag me back home was a girl. And she's 4'9''. I'm 6'. Not the smartest idea. Nevertheless, she surely saved my ass. We slowly started walking back to the apartment, which should have been 6-7 minutes away. I had my one arm around her neck, as I was repeatedly loosing control over my body and kept falling down on my knees. Needless to say she was unable to hold my weight, so when I fell, I fell hard. Somehow though, she kept managing picking me up over and over again. On the middle of our way it just got straight bonkers. The reality bubble kept popping and reappearing fast and crazy, making no linear sense what-so-ever. At times we were on one side of the street, at times on the other. In no particular order. It was like I was jumping in between parallel realities. Crossing the main road was hell. I was completely convinced I'm going nuts at this point. It was then when I felt a big wave of anger and frustration rushing though me. I was SO frustrated with me being unable to stand on my own feet. Without any thinking I smashed my fist into a car that was parked right next to us. This scared the shit out of my roommate. I was also surprised, somewhere in the back of my mind. I never got aggressive before and I was proud of how "chill" I always stayed. At this point, my roommate concluded we're not going to make it to our apartment this way. She had an idea to drop me of at her friend's apartment and let me chill down there. It was literally a few feet ahead. She called him and asked him if he's okay with it, but sadly or gladly he wasn't home. He was also having fun somewhere else. So we sat on the streets for a while, she gathered a bit strength and picked me up again. We somehow made it to our apartment after god knows how long and had a scene waiting there for us. Right in front of our building, there was our other roommate, the "party animal". He was curled up with his eyes rolled back and had foam coming out of his mouth. Quite terrifying. To this day none of us knows how he managed to get to our apartment. Not only that, but he also managed somehow to completely avoid bumping into us on his way back. And that was nearly impossible. The only obstacle between me and my bed now were the 2 story stairs. My roommate picked me up once again and started dragging me up. There was no elevator, of course. I kept falling and hitting myself badly during our climb up, but nevertheless we made it. She did it. She delivered me to safety. She threw me onto my bed, turned off the light in the room (WHY?!) and left back down to try and help our "party animal". It was a few seconds after she left and I was left alone for the first time during that night, that I was about to face the absolute and loose all sense of self. I was about to die. And not the "nice" way. I remember getting out of my bed and just starting to scream in pain that was caused by the extreme level of my constant resistance. I started spinning around in my room, falling and hitting myself on every corner. I smashed a lot of objects and made a pretty big mess. It felt as if my reality was just one surface of a tiny little cube that is a part of an infinitely large, ever-changing Rubik's cube. I started experiencing my self as the whole room at this point. There was no "air" between me and the walls or anything else. There was no space in-between. I became everything and I experienced myself as everything. I moved as everything. I remember bursting into hysterical laughter just a split second before I smashed my leg into the table. It was as if I saw this would happen a brief moment before it actually happened. It was me becoming fully aware of the fact that I manifest everything into my reality in real time. Constantly. This realization led to tears of course and brought me down on my knees. I cant really tell why I was crying. But I was crying like never before. All the beauty and all the grotesque compressed down into a tiniest little dot. And this dot is all there is. It's all there ever was and ever will be. It is one. It is God. I am it. I "saw" and felt the presence of everyone I ever interacted with. As if they were in my room with me. And I mean EVERYONE. Even that random stranger that passed by me and never even looked into my eyes. Even the ants, even the birds, even the bacteria, even Buddha, even Jesus. They all were there with me. They all were me. I was all of these beings. I still am. The moment I'd start to try and embody this bliss I would become reminded instantly that I am also all of the things I was afraid of or was categorizing them as "bad" or "evil". I was the rapist. I was the pedophile. I was the serial killer. I was the politician. I was the Muslim terrorist cutting of a man's head with a kitchen knife. I was also all the other terrorists holding this man down. And of course I was also the man being decapitated. It was slow, messy and indescribably painful. I literally felt the knife cutting though my neck. I kid you not. I was also the guy jumping off a cliff into the water and smashing his skull open on a rock. Needless to say this was just WAY to much for my persona. I did not know what to do with this realization. It completely paralyzed me. Pain and suffering combined with bliss and infinity. My ego back-lashed every once in a while and when present, it was mostly convinced that it has lost his mind completely and gone insane. And I mean as insane as it gets. How could I ever function in this world after this? I was than sucked out my reality once again, merging with infinity. But this time it was very slow. My heart was going nuts, I was overwhelmed by the experience beyond any description. Until I literally heard my own heart go from very fast to very slow. I felt my pulse throughout my whole being. Even the room was synchronized with it. I slowly "ran out" of air, and my heart stopped beating completely. And there "I" was (wasn't). One with the endless nothingness. No thoughts, no emotions, nothing. Just pure awareness. And I was there forever. I still am, in a way. Explaining how I came back into existence is nearly impossible for me. Because it happened on a level way beyond my persona. But I can point to one word. INTENTION. And I mean the mother of all intentions. The strongest, most powerful, without-a-single-ounce-of-doubt-kind of intention. If I tried to explain how it is that I "came back", it was by the purest form of desire to be here and to continue this journey. And I am not being poetical. This is the most accurate description I can give. So I'm back in my room. At this point I can stand up and even walk without falling. I decide to casually go to the toilet and take a piss. I had little to no thoughts at all. I was calm. I was extremely present. I moved very slowly. I moved as I WAS every passing moment. I was no longer just "Ivan". I was God and it was so obvious to me now. The only thing I was not sure about was where was I exactly. Sure the apartment looked exactly the same as always, but I had this strange feeling as if I was experiencing the "afterlife". A though ran through my head: "This must be how it is. When you die, nothing changes. Everything stays the same. Yet that is heaven. There's no golden gate somewhere in the clouds. It's this. Heaven is right here!" Just a few brief moments after having this thought I heard a loud knock on the door. It was still not done with me. I was about to face more core fears and come to a realization that hell is also here. Always. I looked through the peephole and saw two officers standing in front of the door. I stayed calm, didn't panic at all. To me it felt like these two cops were the first two angels who came to welcome me in heaven (lol). Later I was told the neighbors called them because they heard me screaming and having a break-down. So this is kind of where my trip slowly but surely headed towards the hospital. Was I resisting it? You bet I did. I did a lot. But not yet. I was still blissful at the moment I opened the door. This was the first time, after what seemed like an infinity to me, that I opened my mouth and started talking to someone. I immediately became aware that I was somehow unable to tell a lie. Literally. I couldn't lie if my life depended on it. Every word flew right through me without any "approval" on my behalf. Ivan was not involved in this conversation at all. It was God speaking to God. How could it not be flawless then? I felt exactly like Leo stated in his live enlightenment video: "Every word is perfectly inevitable." Exactly everything that should have been said has been said. Everything that should have been done has been done. Effortlessly so. Without me having to do or say anything about it. The cops were calm, they were probably used to these kinds of events. After all, Caldas is a city of students. They asked me what kinds of drugs I was on. I instantly replied "mushrooms". They asked me what am I doing here and if I was a student. I replied "no" and stated that I was a traveling musician, and I came to Caldas to live here temporarily and work on my album. And as soon as I mentioned music I broke into tears once again. I was crying out loud, saying how music was everything to me, how I love it more than I love myself and how I just want to create, express and share every bit of it. This quickly became a bit too much for the cops and they decided to grab me by my arms and "take me away". Oh boy. I fucking lost it at this point. The heaven I believed I was experiencing quickly crumbled down to pieces and I once again entered full on resistance mode. The cops were not happy about it. I somehow managed to free myself out of their grip. The animal in me came forth. I felt like a fucking beast. Powerful and unstoppable. And I was fighting for my survival, again. They somehow left me be and I ended up backing into the corner of the hallway where I curled up in a ball and started mumbling something. I remember repeating that I was dead, that they need to contact my mother back in Slovenia, I even told them the exact address, name and phone number of my mother. In fact, I kept repeating those. I was not nearly as articulated and fluent as just minutes before. I struggled to breathe, I was swallowing words and my heart was pumping like crazy. They tried to calm me down and kept repeating: "help is on the way". I just kept mumbling. After a few minutes I noticed four more officers walking up the stairs and what appeared to be a few male nurses. I FUCKING FLEW up the stairs instantly. Getting away from everyone and reaching the top of the building. This felt to me like it happened in a split second. And it was three stories above our apartment. On the top there was kind of like a balcony within the building, overlooking the stairs. As soon as everyone got up and tried to approach me I moved towards the edge of this balcony and yelled on the top of my lungs: "I AM GOD! I CANNOT DIE! THIS IS ALL A GAME! THERE IS NO DEATH! I AM GOD!". I threatened to jump and prove to everyone that I cannot die. I saw on everyone's face they came to a conclusion that this has gone way out of control. They needed to capture me or else it wasn't going to be pretty. They tried to act even more calmly, saying to me that everything is going to be OK, as they slowly kept approaching me. Seeing them acting calm and kind calmed me down enough that they came close enough and jumped right on me. It felt like it was all of them, but it was probably three or four cops. They had one of those portable medical beds with them and they immediately started tying me down to it. I was raging. It literally felt like I was a psycho being dragged to the insane asylum. Our way down was taking forever. Those stairs kept going and going. I felt like I lived throughout numerous lifetimes before we reached the bottom of the building. I had tons of thoughts, raging emotions, visions and even realizations during the descend. As we exited the building, there was a scene out of a crime movie laid before me. Two police cars, the hospital van, neighbors watching and wondering what the hell is going on and finally my two roommates on the left side of the building. "Party animal" was still in the exact same pose and condition as I saw him before entering the building earlier. He was now surrounded by officers and nurses as well. The other roommate was crying hysterically right next to him. I remember shouting out to her, asking for her help, as if she could explain everything to everyone and save my life, my sanity. There was no response from her. She never even looked at me once. I instantly took this as a sign and confirmation that I indeed went way too far and lost my mind completely. They imported me into the medical van where I remained alone with two male nurses who were watching over me. I immediately received a shot of something into my arm. I assume it was a sedative. I was not resisting anymore that much at this point, but I started noticing the weirdest sensation in my body. Mostly in my arms. It was as if some "cubes" were constantly turning and rearranging within me. As if I was made out of these tiny cubes. It was an incredibly cold and machine-like feeling. Scared the crap out of me. It was then that I started questioning free will. Everything felt cold and automatic to me. Like this whole thing is a machine. A precisely built simulation. Merely ones and zeros in a specific order. It was just so damn cold and "heartless". I remember mumbling to myself as we were driving: "I will wake up and I will tell nobody about this. I will wake up and I will tell nobody about this." As if this information was not supposed to be shared. I felt like I was going to be punished If I ever tell anyone about these insights. Or instantly classified as a nut-case. I was terrified. Another HUGE mind-fuck to me was when I focused on what the nurses were talking about. I swear to God they were speaking in my native language; Serbian. I understood every word. And I KNOW there is absolutely no way these people were Serbian. I also understood no Portuguese. Like, at all. So I have no clue how I was able to understand these people. And not only that, but also how my mind translated their conversation into Serbian. Just weird. We finally arrived after a long ride. I was at the hospital. Except that I did not know that at the time. To me it felt like they were taking me to their mothership to take me apart and figure out why this malfunction has occurred. Whatever was going through my mind, somehow became experiential for me in some way or fashion. My mind was constantly looking for confirmations in my reality. And it kept coming up with explanations for what was happening. It felt like my mind was a computer on fire operating way to rapidly and being extremely close to reaching "fatal error". (lol) They then delivered me into a room inside of the hospital, where more nurses/doctors waited for us. They transferred me from the portable bed to a regular one. Tied me down again. I was calm at this point and did not resist the process. I remember looking up and seeing a room full of cops and nurses. The cops probably followed us in and stayed for a while, just in case if I decided go "beast mode" again (lol). As I turned my head to my right, I saw a guy tied down to the bed next to me. Face down, lying on his stomach. Who was it? "Party animal", of course. This filled me with anger and rage again. I couldn't do anything, being tied down, but I sure gave my everything into trying to free myself. I am not sure why seeing my roomette got me so aggressive, but I assume it was because I felt incredibly guilty for the situation I brought upon us. Remember, I still was not thinking this was just a hospital. To me it was completely alien-like. My roommate was unconscious and still had some foam around his mouth. Maybe I though he was dead. I don't know... In my rage I started screaming for and demanding a nurse called "Maria" to come and see me. As if she was on my side. As if she was some kind of an angel that could save me, nurture me. Indeed a nurse came and stood by the left side of my head. I doubt her name was Maria, but she was willing to play along in order to calm me down. And down I calmed. She talked softly to me and told me she was going to give me something that will help me. I received another shot in my arm. I slowly surrendered my self to these "aliens" and gave up fighting for my life. I blacked out a few times and started loosing track of everything. This time I was not aware of the nothingness when I was in it. It was just nothing. A hole in memory. I remember being in the hallway for some time, still tied to the bed. My roommate was also there. Then I was moved to another, smaller room where two nurses watched over me. At times when I was present, I was slowly able to come to the realization that this in fact was just a regular hospital. Somewhere in the middle of Portugal. And that this was indeed "just a trip gone wrong". I half-consciously, slowly started putting back the shattered pieces of my reality. I was still feeling the little cubes turning inside of me and it was very unpleasant and annoying. I guess that was the last thing I wasn't able to explain away. I even remember asking the two nurses if this sensation was "normal" during mushroom trips/overdose. They laughed at me. I was mostly "back" at this point. I remained tied to the bed 'till 8 in the morning, until I finally convinced the nurses that I am fine and sober and that I will behave. As soon as they released my arms and legs I started walking towards the hallway, where I last saw my roommate. And there he was. Still tied down, still sleeping. As I approached him and started softly calling his name, he started waking up. A few moments of confusion followed by a smile on his face. He was alright and fully "back" as well. We just laughed silently at each other and exchanged a few brief words, both still in total disbelief about what just happened. There was no way that we could've fully grasped what went down. It felt like we came out of a decade long war. And we survived. That was our victory. Soon I asked for my personal belongings and for a permission to head out for a quick cigarette. They hesitated, but did not seem way to concerned with me. So I went and did not come back. "Party animal" remained on his bed in the hallway. He stayed in throughout the day and went under numerous examinations. As I was leaving the hospital behind, I remember being grateful for my life. Grateful for the opportunity to continue this journey. A rush of love and unity blasted through my being. But it wasn't overwhelming or anything. It was just the right amount. I was avoiding thoughts about "me" being God and every other that pointed in that direction. I needed a break. I wanted to be just human. Just Ivan. At least until I recover. As I was walking back to our apartment everything still looked extremely dreamy. It felt very lucid. Like my barriers between the "waking life" and "dreams" have been destroyed. It was one and the same now. I called a girl I was in love with, and still am. She was back at Slovenia at this time. I told her briefly about everything that went down and we both laughed out hard. It was exactly what I needed to ground me a bit more into my human form. After a long, sobering walk back to the apartment, I found the "hero of the night", my other roommate in her room. I immediately started apologizing to her and also expressing my gratitude for dragging me home and not leaving me on the streets by myself. That could have been a much worse scenario. She was kinda angry with me and also just tired due to the whole circus that went down. She barely slept and spent the night worrying about the two of her idiot roommates. After this event I spent most of my time indoors, thinking about what has happened, trying to express it through art and just gaining some sort of comfort by watching spiritually-themed Youtube videos and reading articles/forums on those topics. Of course the rumors spread, as I said, Caldas is a very small town. Everyone knew that I had a break-down. And no-one really cared about the profundity of my experience. It was almost as if everyone was scared of me and suspiciously careful with me. Soon after the arrival of my girlfriend, we decided to move on and started a slow journey across the south of Spain, heading towards Morocco, mostly by taking buses, hitchhiking and simply walking. Needless to say, I am still integrating the lessons of that night. I dived deep into consciousness work and went through a two year long period of the "dark night". Facing all the fears and limitations I was presented with during my trip. And many more, of course. I tripped a few more times on LSD and once on shrooms after that particular experience, but I did so a lot more responsibly. My girlfriend and me only, indoors in a pleasant and safe environment. With proper caution and preparation. Emphasizing my state of being prior to taking anything. Meditating and surrendering to the present moment. So what did I learn? Where am I now after two years? I am still on the never-ending journey. I opened myself up as much as I could to infinity, to God. I am able to embody my higher self a lot easier and more frequently. I am also able to do so while not creating art. I could be just simply cleaning the dishes and I'd be doing it as God. As all that is. I am aware most of my "waking hours" that this is a dream. And that this character named Ivan is a necessary part of it. I don't feel separate anymore. I "got rid" of most of the programming from my childhood and teen years. I am able to be here and now and have no need for anything else. I am able to simply admire the perfection in every moment. My musical skills went through a massive upgrade and I even discovered new, smaller passions that I had. I embraced the rational, logical and analytical part of my mind. I resisted this for a long time. I was always an abstract, creative thinker. I also came to have a dream-like relationship with my beloved one. Our communication is nearly flawless, often telepathic and highly synchronized. I still get mad, frustrated, sad or bored at times. I still go "sleep mode" here and there. But it never lasts long. And I never "walk away" without learning the lesson. When I go to sleep at night I am ready to merge with nothingness again. I am peaceful. I am at ease. Because I know that this is just a game, just a dream. And I am that dream. I am the container for everything that is. Forever. As you are too. So there you go. That's my incredibly irresponsible yet profound trip report. I hope I did not make it too long and I won't "scare away" potential readers Feel free to leave a comment, share your opinion or just ask me anything you feel like asking. Stay awesome! Much love and respect.

Was thinking about this myself. As soon as I stopped thinking, the concept of actuality being conceptual desolved haha. Being here and now is what is actual. But it may be difficult to be pointed to. If you aim to declare "everything is illusory", even being here now... I agree. It's all a dream. In all directions and dimensions. No doubt about it. That does not seem to bother me tho. It is rather liberating.

Use the word "concept" and any other word in a sentence and it will become a concept. There is no point in doing that. The line between conceptual and actual is obvious to the eye that seeks no longer.

I feel like this sums up everything this thread is about But really... People try to explain the unexplainable way too hard. Not only that, but they completely overlook the fact that they are fighting over concepts and beliefs. Just because you read 1000 books on enlightenment and have a conceptual explenation for everything about it...Doesn't mean you are it. You cannot put a concept over infinity and try to describe it that way and leave no room for other possible perspectives. That action is working against itself. You cannot claim to know infinity and exclude everything that does not fit your description of it. It makes no sense. The question is not "what's true?" Rather: "how truthful am I?" "How transparent am I?" "How accepting am I?"

Thank you peeps! I am glad to see resonance here. @Anton Rogachevski I am very humbled. Thank you for expressing love so freely. We need a lot of that now. The exercise is great! I plan on repeating it soon; minus the ego backlash haha. Thanks fo reaching out. Cheers, brother! @Barna For now my "teachings" come in a form of sound. Music. I feel like reaching out to others in that way. However I have been also noticing the calling to write a book about these topics. That might open a whole new branch of opportunities. I guess I would be interested in some gatherings, retreats. I like talking about Oneness and spreading light from this point of view. If and when it happens, be sure to be informed Much love.

I had a little experiment today. During this experiment I received a download, if you will. I wish to share it with you here and create some understanding for myself as well as those who might resonate with the information being shared. If you are an individual that gets upset or uncomfortable about topics such as "death" and "non-existence", I suggest you skip this one. The content of this post may be viewed as "extreme","nonsensical" or even "suicidal"; depending on the individual's current stage of development and their level of understanding. Ever experienced thought trying to use breath against you? Ever observed a concept trying to mimic something actual and use it...against itself? It's rather funny. Thoughts fighting thoughts with more thoughts seems to be a common occurence. I mean; just look around you. You can see walking opinions and beliefs. All claiming their own is the ultimate one. All defending themselves by discrediting other opinions, beliefs. It' almost as if a beleif is unable to believe in anything outside of itself. Nor can a strong opinion accept new ones. Flexibility seems to be a rare occurence these days, wouldn't you say? As soon as one opens up a bit and progresses to a new level it baracades itself there. And continues being close-minded on that level. It's hilarious. It's all about survival, isn't it? It is humanity's greatest concern. The biggest fear of them all is that of not surviving. I came to a conclusion that all questions stem from this one core fear. Have a thought about it. If you were to truly know yourself as infinite; would there be any need for a question to arise? The first question; the mother of all questions was existential in it's nature. "What am I?" "What am I doing here?" "Where did this all come from?" "What does it mean?" "Where does it go?" You can feel into it, can't you? The journey of one's is about answering those deeply rooted questions. It is what evolution is all about. It is all about remembering, if you will. Remembering our true nature. Our essence. Remembering that we are the infinite creator. That we give meaning to the stone that does not move. We create that which we experience. Here and now, for all eternity. The burden of the responsibility that comes with this notion, after a long sleep, can be heavy. It varies from person to person, from story to story; I suppose. Everything you have experienced and ever will experience is 100% your responsibility. Every moment of your lifetime. That might be a though pill to swallow for some. I beleive the question "Is there free will" has a lot to do with this. Yes, there is. If you feel like there is no such thing; you are using your free will to create an experience of no free will. Of course your creation will obey you. What you believe in, you will experience. It can be no other way. I like to think of myself as an artist and um...an explorer of counsciousness. Infinity. I fear no illusion anymore. I am illusion. I am a breathing paradox, so to speak. Illusion cannot define itself with more illusion. It has nothing else to compare itself to. One's truth is the only truth; as long as it ends the cycle of questioning and suffering; grounds one in eternal love and unity. Peace. As I was lying in my bed in a state of total surrender, I noticed thoughts starting to fight for attention. There were times when I would try to fight them off or chase them away...But not anymore. I let them be. They are my creation. They are a nescessary part of it. Without them, silence would become meaningless. I have this cool new perspective; thoughts are my daily newspaper! If I feel like reading in the morning, I do. If not, I put the newspaper away for later. After all; my day is not dependant on the newspaper, is it now? Haha. Thoughts are where they belong; doing what they're designed for. However, from time to time, when I read too much of the newspaper, it tries to turn itself against me. It tries to convince me to believe in something other than what is. And there is this sneaky vibe to that. As if it's all for my safety. I can now see through the disguise though. These were the thoughts that were surrounding my bed today: "You really think you can claim to be immortal, now out of the sudden?" "How can you know that? How can you confirm that if you were to have a heart attack right now, you would survive?" "Where is your evidence? What if infinity is an idea, a concept? What if now is an idea?" "What if the breath is not real? It seems like you're holding onto it with your every strength left." "You are confusing your ego with Oneness. It has outgrown everybody else's. There is no such thing as The One. There is only a giant ego that spreads onto everything it sees." "You are not The Creator. You are insane. Who could ever clame such a thing? What gives you the right to call yourself a God?" Funny little thoughts. I would actually buy into these in my past. I would fight thoughts with more thoughts. Try to exlain the unexplainable. Sometimes I'd feel like my hearth was about to be attacked, indeed. These existential mind-fuck questions can be extremely overhwelming. But not today. I was focused on my breath. I was breathing extremely deeply. Loud it was as well. So what did I do during this ego backlash, or whatever you wanna call it...? I did what I feared. I stared death into it's eyes. I was standing my ground. Silently, still in a state of total surrender. Thoughts were getting louder, mainly trying to use breath against me and make me beleive that it does not exist. And that I'd very much die for real if I was to stop breathing. So I did just that. I stoped breathing completely. I sensed panic/survival mode, but after a few moments the pulse started slowing down. I was becoming more comfortable. The body got all tickly. Thoughts started sounding like an echo, like they were slowly but surely running out of arguments. Until they faded out completely. And there it was. Pure awareness. Ta-daa! Unburdened of all thoughts. Unburdened of all need to identify with anything. It simply is. Undefined and eternal. The creator reveled itself. It was now. Silent and breathless. Life still was. Birds were singing their songs. The small city noise was in the background. Pleasant temperture. Occasional wind; blowing through the window. All now. All here. Simultaniously. All changing eternally within the endless continuum. All One. All illusory. All The Creator. A beautiful panorama speading directly in front of you. It is there for YOU to see it. To notice it. To merge with it. To love it. It's just hard to see it over ragging thoughts and beleifs; or so it seems. The breath came back with no rush. For how long was it away? Forever. There was no one there who would need it. It came back at it's own will. The body accepted it effortlessly. The union was gentle, like there was no experience of absence. Like it never really happened. Is breath a concept? Is now a concept? Is death really a story? Who knows? I have no need to answear such questions. All I seem to be interested in is gazing at the Art. Creating it; adding to it. Expressing it further. This beautiful panorama seems to have all the answears. It does not even bother to use any explanations. It just is and it is obvious what it is. Clearly this experience cannot be compared to jumping of a bridge or anything; that does not interest me. I push my boundaries in a natural, respectfull manner. I am not suicidal in any way. Just interested in exploring and facing my own fears. Do I still fear death? Do I believe in it? I do not wish to declare that I am invincible and no bullet can harm me. A bus could still run me over and the experience of that would be very real, probably. All I can do is rely on my awareness. Be here and now. Not feed fear with paranoia. Here and now everything seems to be perfect. No thoughts about it. And it seems infinite indeed. Liberation is your birthright. Love.

@Tistepiste Wow, that sounds like a really good idea. I can see how that could benefit those in need. Glad to see your intention is to help. I am sure that will be supported. Hope you actualize your idea or move on to an even more revolutionizing one The world of A.I. is expanding extremely fast, that's for sure. It's rather exciting! Whish you all the luck on your journey!

@Tistepiste Hmm.. What kind of study? What kind of start-up? The opportunity will arise when least expected. Follow synchronisity and your excitement. Those are your compass

No need to fear. Your family is a part of you forever. Express your love towards them freely. No one should try to detach from anything forcefully. And even when one "detaches", in actuality one only becomes more connected. All is well, keep loving. Fear none. Things may seem temporary, but they are in fact eternal.

@Tistepiste No study and no real work. We have been living in Sri Lanka for nearly six months now. We were supposed to have a nice business opportunity here, but that backfired. So we found a new, even more suitable source of financial income. It's really kinda effortless, doesn't seem like work at all. We feel like we extracted what needed to be extracted from Sri Lanka now. Slowly getting ready to move on. I have a huge desire to "lock myself" in a studio and record new material. It's been a while. I supose that will result in us returning to Slovenia and settling down there for some time. Travel is always desired tho. However it will mainly depend on the nudge, from now on. There is a lot of freedom, one could say. How about you? What is your story?

@Tistepiste Party animal, you mean? Haha. That's a good question. I really have no clue. It seems like our friendship was brief and strictly tied to Portugal. Barely heard from him since we travelled on. Maybe our paths cross once again sometime in the future

Thanks @luckieluuke I am in fact shifting my focus onto those things, slowly. One could say I was neglecting my body to some extent in the past two years, but it does not seem to be complaining at the moment. I lost some weight indeed, but I feel like I'm closer to the highest version of my body now. I feel like I need just a bit effort and some consistancy in that direction. There is a desire to pack some healthy muscles heh I wouldn's say I am depriving myself of sleep, food or anything tho. It is happening on it's own. I just give my best not to resist anything. @WelcometoReality I feel you. It seems like I'm headed that way as well. Although I also feel like going to bed will become a portal of some kind. The body shall rest while awareness explores other dreams, shapes and forms. Until it decides to return to the body Love.

Big changes I have been noticing lately. Each day is a massive upgrade. It's like nothing changes yet everything is radically different. I barely identify with the body. I respect it. I understand how it functions. It works flawlessly. But I do not spend much time being attached to it. I let it float and move spontaneously. I spend a lot of time surrendering consciously. Awareness is omnipresent. The character keeps his role. Everything is like always, except that it's completely new. There is something curled around each thought, emotion, motion, action. Something that is aware of it all. There is a lot of emptyness. No more need to define anything. I feel reborn. Like I woke up in Eden. I have been noticing the experience of sleep starting to change as well. Big time. The body falls asleep, like always. It does not stay awake. But awareness remains aware. Aware of the body, occasionally floating thoughts, the bed, the room... Everything. There is no time passing between me going to sleep and me waking up, so to speak. Everything is becoming a giant, eternal continuum. Yet the body gets the rest it needs. It gets up refreshed and ready to live. Feeling energized. Like it woke up after a century of sleep. Awareness rarely travels while the body sleeps. Rather it remains floating above it; observing. When dreaming, everything is extremely vivid and has this "unreal-real" feel to it. The waking life seems to have the same vibe. Where am I heading with this? Is anyone else on this forum experiencing something simular? Will the boundary between reality and dreams; asleep and awake slowly disappear? Will I remain counscious throughout; noticing no transitions or any shifts? Also note; I have been fasting on and off for nearly two years now. I eat little to nothing. It might have something to do with the reason why am I so "out of body" all the time. Not panicky or anything here, just honestly curious. Hope I can connect with someone on the topic. Love.

I am in my own world for a while now as well haha. I am designing it, so to speak. This forum is the first form of interactions that I included in my experience only recently. Communication seems to occur on higher levels here; I really like it. I live far away from my home-town. On the other side of the world. I barely have any contact with anyone from my past. The only one I share everything with is my partner. One could say she is my soulmate. We went through this intense period of becoming our true selves together, yet by ourselves. We completely isolated ourselves from everyone. We lived extremely minimalisticly. Now, at this point, we seem to understand unity and do not question things anymore. We are aware of the mirror and how it works. We respect each-other's realities and give our best to cocreate a pleasant third reality, for both of us to enjoy. I went through a phase where I wondered too much about who is real, what is real yadayada. Thank God I was assisted by some amazing people and those questions no longer arise. The heart only desires to experience more love. Has no need for evidence. I look at it this way: We 're all One, right? There's an infinite amount of unique expressions of the One. I am one of those. Why not explore and meet more of myself, by meeting others? Why not love the crap out of every moment? It is pure perfection and magic. Way beyond our human understandings. I enjoy the ride now. There is a lot more to come. I am so excited to express the One. To create, to build, to move. If you were to tell me two years ago that I will literally become infinite, I'd probably laugh at you. But now... Now is all I have left. And it is infinite. Love you all, hope you're having a kickass dream

@Rinne It may be diffucult for me to point anything out, since all of this is happening on it's own, kinda. I ended up where I am at this moment naturally, by following my passion/excitement and transcending all obsticales/limitations. A lot of things fell apart from my previous life. I literally cannot recognize myself from 2 years ago. Let alone more. I had to bare through loosing everything and see nothing but my passion. I believed in the dream so hard it reveled itself to me in it's totality, so to speak. It has not ended. More beauty is yet to come, I can sense it. And that is all I need to know. There is little to no action that needs to be taken on my behalf. It's kinda as if the dream is now dreaming itself, being aware of itself. And it seems to have a strong purpose. That does not mean I am not the expreiencer anymore. I still feel, think, get involved. But there is a great sense of transparency. I do not know how everything will unfold, but I have an enormous sense of foresight. I can see the choices I am presented with and where they might lead. I also feel free to explore those. Free will is not a question anymore. Everything is driven by pure intention and passion. All I can recomend is to follow your heart, focus on expanding your awareness, practise mindfulness, practise radical acceptance and follow your passion. Believe in the dream until it comes true; real. Wish you luck on your journey. Love.

Thank you for reaching out @pluto Glad we're riding them waves together @Aakash Awesome! I have been going through a phase of waking up and feeling tired/fatigued as well...But now that does not seem to be the case anymore. I sleep as much or as little as my body requires. And it always seems as "just enough". I feel like a string ready to be pulled as soon as I open my eyes heh. Excited about being here now. I also had a few lucid dreaming experiences, but for whatever reason I got panicky in those and kinda ruined the fun part of it immediately haha. It was some time ago tho. Maybe I'll set my intention in that direction as well, soon. Thanks, Much love!

Thank you @pluto for the wonderful encouragment. I am remaining on one meal per day; still kinda fasting; expecting the shift to occur naturally. Maybe the desire to eat more is false altogether. Will see. Thanks again, much love.