ivankiss

Yeah... I was aware all along that was a possibility. If I'm honest; I was kinda afraid of that happening. But it's no surprise, really. It would be silly to assume everyone is on my level and handles their stuff the same way. It's just not realistic. So far I'm not entirely clear on what's going on within her mind and heart. She's kinda playing the enigmatic role. But I can kinda see through it. Ouch... Well, if that's really the case, then I guess that's just the price we pay for the experience. I cannot make this more convenient or safe. We are having sex. Not getting married. I think the difference is obvious. I understand this is, in that sense, out of her control. If she falls hard - she falls hard. Not much she can do about it. It's just how love is. But that's why we also must be wise. Not only loving. It's good to know when and where to draw the line. Why can't they all be special and unique to me? That's deep. And I get the point. But again; I do not see how I could've made this any more convenient, open, honest and clear. I was aware of all this before going down that road. I knew the risks. Well, yeah. This is where I'm being The Devil, I guess. Because I'm aware not everyone is deeply in touch with themselves. Not everyone knows themselves well. But can you blame me? I want to live fully. To embrace life fully. To explore and experience all kinds of stuff. I cannot think for two, all the time. Thinking for myself only is challenging enough sometimes lol. We should all take care of our own needs in our own ways. I'm not violating anyone's free will. That's what's most important to me. The number one rule in all my interactions. Do let me know when you reach a conclusion That's smart, I guess. Thanks. Anyhow... J and I are meeting in less than an hour. I'm sure we'll talk things out. I'm a bit nervous... But also excited. Let's see what happens. Rock on, baby!

@Hulia Haha, that's cute. But I think I'm too proud to do that.

@Hulia Not my style, thanks.

@Hulia I'd probably be sad a bit and then masturbate furiously.

Ok... J is asking me out to the movies tonight. That alone might be a bit over the line for me... but that's not all. Her friend and her boyfriend are supposed to come, too. That's way too much. I'd consider a date... but no double-dates - for sure. Let's see how she handles the rejection...

I hear you. Be honest - do you think I made J feel special and unique? Do you think she felt loved? It's not like I stopped by, took a piece of the pie and moved on. I invested fully into the experience. Not gonna say exactly the same way I would with a girl I'd like to be in a relationship with... but pretty damn close. What will spare us both of a lot of pain is the fact that we communicated honestly and openly from the get go. No one was being led on or manipulated. If that was the case and then I simply ditched her out of nowhere; that would be a major dick move. I'd say living this ('fuckboi') lifestyle and also being a decent, honest and respectful person is a bit challenging. It's a form of art. I could easily lie into a face of hundreds of women. Perhaps I'd even get laid more often that way. But that's really not my game. Not the way I roll. One of the main reasons I don't have a problem with attracting and maintaining female attention is just that... Honesty. Respect. Being straight forward. But also fun, exciting, mysterious, different. That's kinda my whole thing. If I try to fake anything... it usually ends up being a fail. Very cringy. Yes, but is there no room for exploration and experimentation? I assume you don't settle for the first guy that sticks around? It's all a big play - the way I see it. A dance of love. Yes, we get hurt here and there, but we quickly bounce back on our feet and continue dancing. Also; don't think men don't get played and hurt by women. On a daily basis. Everything from ghosting, flaking, lying, attention and validation seeking, financial exploitation, etc. Lots of nasty shit some women do to men. So yeah... in my eyes; both 'sides' can be real fucked up sometimes and harm each-other bad. So let's not do that, and play safe and clean. Communicate our needs and wishes, and if everything clicks - dive in deep. That sounds pretty fair and healthy to me. Thanks! Will update you guys on the matter.

@4201 Very cool. Thanks! In my case; I don't think it involves others as much as it is about having to prove something to myself. That I can. That I have what it takes. That I am capable of doing great things. That's the journey I'm on. I'm enjoying it, very much. Learning, growing and expanding at lightning speed. Getting less and less caught up in moments of stagnation, insecurity, fear and doubt. I'm confident about what I want from life now and I feel more and more in alignment with it. Impatience arises at times, but it's not too bad.

So very true. So very painful. But wow the benefits. Precisely I hear ya. And I agree. I'm happy that I'm not getting too attached to J. She is absolutely wonderful. But that doesn't mean other girls are not wonderful too. They each have their special, unique vibe and flavour. Their unique story. I'm excited about meeting and connecting with more girls. Spending deep, meaningful, memorable, fun, quality time with them. That being said; I'd much rather see things to end sooner and in a nice, chill way than wait until it's way to late and inevitably cause drama. Unnecessary pain and confusion. So yeah. That's what I'm kinda aiming for here, in this phase of my life. As with everything - it's only a matter of being conscious enough. Then it's totally doable - I'd say. Smooth and easy, even. Thanks for adding your thoughts, btw. I like how you think

The one who trusted fully and believed blindly... inevitably dies. Slayed by the sharp-edged weapon called 'a lie'. It's called 'heart-break' - I believe. And if you let it consume you fully - the pieces of your broken heart simply forget how to put themselves back together. It's one of the most painful experiences I can recall having. But once you've healed; your heart never shuts down again. Love keeps pouring out of it forever, in all directions. There's nothing blocking the current now.

@Etherial Cat Cool. Thanks. See, when I'm truly committed in a relationship, a sacred partnership, I simply see no other woman. I do not notice them. They might as well be having a dick hanging between their legs. It's like the switch is off, and being attracted to other women simply does not arise. I can appreciate a good looking girl. I don't go blind or mentally handicapped lol. There's just no thirst. No burning sexual desire. It's more of a energy thing. The seeking energy is no longer activated once I'm committed in a relationship. So yeah. No flirting. No sexting. No touching inappropriately. No sex. Any of that I'd consider it being cheating. Lying. Manipulation. A violation of a sacred agreement. A shattering of Trust. Betrayal. Death - even. ***Regarding J; Yeah; I'm super happy about how clear and straightforward everything is. There is no distortion. It's all honest. And yeah, I kinda suspect it will be somewhat painful once we stop. We are both deep feelers. But I think it will be also beautiful and totally worth it. Sometimes you just gotta have some balls to truly live.

@Zeroguy Udji slobodno Btw; cheating is wrong and you're kinda an asshole for doing that. It's cowardly. Just my opinion. Once again; I am not in a relationship with J - for anyone misunderstanding any of this. We are fuck buddies. There is no form of cheating going on here. I am free to fall for a million more beautiful girls if I want to. Thankfully; there is no shortage of them.

@Zeroguy Uf, koje smeće od pesme tebra Ovo je 'zika iz duše: Also; please let's not turn this thread (journal) into another men vs women kind of nonsense. This is simply not the place for it.

Haha I really don't get you @Hulia You seem so confused. It's kinda cute. What exactly is bothering you here?

Thanks guys. I kinda fell in love with another girl's eyes today. We flirted hard. The tension was ridiculous. For now; I will stop reporting about J. At least until anything significant happens. But I really hope I will have another report soon about this new girl. She's breathtaking.

I'm not the biggest fan of the SD model. But I studied it for a while and I think it can be a nice tool. It can explain some stuff. I don't really identify with any of the stages to a T. I can recognize myself in all of them. But let's say I'm spending most of my waking life embodying turquoise energy nowadays. I like looking at things from multiple angles. Integrating them all into One. Seeing how they all click flawlessly - even when things seem to contradict each-other. It's just kinda natural to me. It could be also said that I'm integrating a lot of yellow these days... But that's more or less irrelevant to this topic. I live in a very orange, a bit green and some yellowish society - if you will. What I noticed, and am fascinated by, is just how effortlessly I can bring some of the highest truths to the ground. Communicate some rather enlightening stuff in a very casual, down-to-earth manner. So that everyone can understand it. I'm not trying to do this. It just kinda started happening. I am simply being me. And I keep being surprised by how I manage certain situations. It's beyond amazing. I am enjoying the fuck out of it. So yeah, I guess my message here is; you can bring Truth all the way down to the ground. The Light is always within you. It is you. Be you and everyone will see the truth of who you are. Everyone recognizes Truth. No matter what stage they're at.

Warning: Complete Transparency! I go deep into detail here! I spent two or three nights with 'J' since my last entry. I'm not entirely sure.. Time seems to be distorted AF lately. I'm not always sure if something happened yesterday or three days ago, or is it about to happen tomorrow. Linearity is fading - big time. I sometimes struggle to keep track of things. Thank God I like writing. I will not do a separate entry for each night. There are too many similarities. I don't want to repeat stuff here. In direct experience though; I've got nothing against repetition. Especially if I'm repeating nights of epic sex lol. In this entry; I will write about the night that stood out the most to me. It was sort of a breakthrough. A threshold to a higher level of connection, closeness, pleasure, etc. Buckle up. It's gonna be a long and wild ride. I'm already giving myself a boner. Build - up It was a rainy Summer night. I was so grateful the air cooled down a bit. I could not wait to finish working and go home to make sweet love to the sound of the rain. J and I happened to finish at our jobs pretty much at the same time that night. She was done a few minutes before I was. She texted me that she's with a coworker at her workplace, waiting for me. As soon as I'm done, I head there. They're in front of the building, smoking a cigarette, talking and giggling. I recognize J's coworker as soon as I see her. I remember her flirting with me earlier that day during lunchtime. I could sense she wanted to fuck me, even then. What I did not know is that she was kinda close with J. And of course she now knew J and I were fucking. So yeah. I can sense a lot of tension in the air. Maybe this is an opportunity for a threesome... Will see. We exchanged a few words. Small talk. Nothing sexual. But still, the tension was there. We said goodbye and then J and I left. Straight to my place. On our way; we talk about work a bit, but quickly bring the frame back onto us and our 'thing' that we've got going on. I start emphasizing why this 'thing' of ours is not a relationship and what it would mean if it was. I even mention her I'm pretty active on a self-help forum and that I asked of people's opinions on the matter. She finds it very cool. She agrees that this indeed is not a relationship. She has her reasons why she does not want a relationship, too. It's not only me. She shares those with me and reassures me that there's nothing weird going on. But.. she also admits she kinda has a tendency to get attached real quick, real hard.. I'm not surprised. It's a very common trait.. We reach a point where we kinda agree on being real good friends and having real good sex, while we see it fit. And when the time comes; we simply stop having sex and remain good friends. Or you know.. whatever. The air is as clear as it can be. We are both breathing freely and with a smile on our faces. And so we arrive to me place. Climax There is so much porn going on here before anything sexual even happens. Sorry about that, dear reader. I simply cannot leave it out. These moments of magic mean the world to me. As usual; I can't stop talking around her. It's just so easy. So effortles. So smooth. I say everything I want to say, and much, much more. I keep surprising myself in the back of my mind. She absolutely loves listening to all my stories and philosophies. I can tell she's truly invested. Paying close attention. Feeling my words. Not just hearing them. Things become a bit heavy at some point. But heavy in the most beautiful possible way. I was speaking of some dark stuff from my past... She nearly broke down in tears. And so did I. It was a moment of complete connection, empathy, compassion. It seemed like she truly felt a portion of that 'pain of mine'. She jumps into my lap and hugs me tightly. Trying to soothe me, comfort me. She speaks gently into my ear: 'It's ok. It's over now. Everything is alright...' I cannot tell you how many nights I stood awake; wishing for someone to do that for me. To hear me out. To tell me it's all good. To put their heart against mine and simply be present with me... Needless to say; I started melting. Disintegrating. Dissolving into Nothing. But.. I would not let that happen. I did not want to go there. It felt too soon. Too big. Too... much. Not what this night is all about. I quickly shifted and altered my state of being. I said something along the lines of: 'That's enough of wining now! We're here to have fun!' She laughs and ofcourse matches the frequency immediately. I can tell she's got a lot of emotional intelligence and maturity going on. What a girl... Good for her. We start talking about art.. She wants to hear my music. I show her a few projects of mine, and her mind is pretty much blown away. Pussy probably wet. I'd dare to bet on it. There is so much passion and excitement in the room it could kill a man. I decide to give her a short tour of my world. I know it's completely alien to her. Unknown territory. I show her more, incredible, genius music/art. She loves all of it. We discuss self-expression a lot and what it is that makes an artist truly unique. We also smoke a blunt or two while talking. Then...*get this*...we proceed to have a full-blown conversation about Nonduality. Say what now?! How the fuck did we get this high, this quick? I can tell she's awake. Present. Conscious. She is not really familiar with all these spiritual/nondual concepts.. And I doubt she had any truly deep nondual realizations.. But she's definitely awake. Definitely conscious. Just not conscious of her actually being God. She's conscious of The One, but not yet that she is The One. We spoke about the matter in a very down-to-earth way. No woo woo spiritual language. We kept it real and direct. Straight forward. At one moment we kinda both questioned whether the other one existed haha. It was a bit scary. But we laughed it off quickly and agreed that there is no real way for us to know. I finally drag myself to the bathroom to take a shower. My mind was silent for so long that when a thought passed through my awareness it felt like an invasion. It kinda disturbed me for a few moments... but I shook it off quickly. I get out of the shower, feeling all fresh and ready. And then I walk into a scene that felt like a dream come true. J is on the bed with my acoustic guitar in her hands. Struggling to play the intro of 'nothing else matters'. You gotta be kidding me... Can the night get any more magical? Jesus Christ. My heart melts instantly and I sit down to listen to her playing. She's being all cute and embarrassed. It's so hot to me when she's shy. I am looking up her mini-skirt. I can see her panties... Oh my God... I could not dream up this stuff. She distracts me from being distracted and yells with a girly voice: 'You play it!' - handing me over the guitar. I really don't wanna show off but I also kinda do, so I take the guitar and nail that intro. She's amazed. And turned on. We fool around a bit more with the guitar, I teach her the first few notes of the song, and then we put the guitar away. Now it's her turn to take a shower. I proceed to roll another joint. Listening to awesome music and hanging out here on the forum. *This is where things start turning sexual* She comes out of the bathroom... naked. My window wide open. People could easily see in. She does not seem to give a fuck. She walks to me in slow motion and sits in my lap. That's it. My dick is in charge now. I'm taking the passenger's seat. My first impulse is to suck on her tiny, pink nipples. Oh God. It makes me crazy. Like, stupid crazy. I grab on her boobs hard. I'm really getting in there. I'm an animal now. A wild beast. I suck and I lick like savage. I pull her hair and start making out with her. She's rubbing my cock through my shorts. I know she wants it bad. My hands are still nowhere near her pussy. They're occupied with her ass, tits and hair - mainly. We make out like this for a while. Then... She stands up and sits on a chair across me. Smiling and looking at me like she's about to eat me alive. Man... What a tease. We say little to nothing. Only looking at each-other, with fire in our eyes. Our blood boiling. We take a few puffs, I put on this album: https://youtu.be/znV9KDsNtXY and that's it... Enough of playing around. We're fucking. Now. We skip the long, romantic honeymoon intro. My dick straight into her mouth. She's sitting on my bed. I'm standing up. I like looking down on her from up here. She seems so small and fragile. My big, fat dick in her gentle, little palms. She's a pro. She's not only mindlessly strocking up and down. She's twisting my dick hard while sucking on the tip. It's no joke when she locks into a rhythm. I could easily cum real quick. But I'm no ordinary beast, either. I know my craft. Know myself. Know my dick. Holding back is no issue to me. I'm just the perfect guy to fuck her brains out. The way she truly deserves it. Although we were clearly in Heaven once again... there was also something hellish in the atmosphere. I felt a bit like a Devil that night. I wanted to be more dirty with her than before. I wanted to dominate her more. I wanted to be more rough. I'm sure I was influenced by the album I chose to play in the background. It was just the perfect vibe. She has a pony tail tonight. I wrap it around my arm and start choking her with my cock. She swallows more than half of it. I'm impressed. But I'm not releasing her that easily. She's being trained now. She's my little slave. And oh boy is she loving it! She's gasping for air. Her saliva all over my dick. Some of it on her tits. Some on the floor. Tears running down her face. Her make-up all fucked up. Just a lovely scene. I remember thinking to myself: 'Easy, Ivan. This is not your common, trasy, street whore. She's knew to all this. She's way too innocent and fragile.' You must understand that this girl did not have all that many sexual experiences so far. She had a boyfriend for a few years, and from what I understood; he was kinda boring, lazy and generic. I assume he fucked her that way too. She told me I'm definitely the best she ever had. And also the biggest. By far. So yeah... A lot of firsts and a lot of news. I feel honored. Kinda humbled, too. Also; proud. Very, very proud. So... I decide to hit the breaks a bit and start projecting some warmth into the act. Enough of discipline and torture - for now. I'm not even thinking of pulling out my whip or tying her down yet. It's way too soon. But I'm now sure she's open for exploring those waters. She's definitely excited about this whole new world I'm slowly revealing to her. The role I have in this dynamic is way beyond satisfying. I absolutely love it. I turn her around and now she's on her knees, on my bed. Her lovely, round, heart-shaped butt up in the air. I'm standing behind her. My cock pulsing - ready to explode. I'm not as hard as this with every girl and everytime. It's only so with the 'special ones'. If I don't vibe with the girl I can't get it up. Or I can - but barely. It happened a few times already. It's just how I'm wired. I kneel down and bury my face deep into that perfect ass. My God. The smell. The taste. The feel. The every-fucking-thing. It's just indescribable. Words completely fail me. My tongue in her tiny, little hole. I'm pushing as deep as I can. Twisting it inside of her sugar-wall. Both of my hands on her ass-cheeks. Spreading them wide open. I suck on her clit. Then I slide my thumb in her pussy. I'm grabbing hard on her thighs. Occasionally reaching out to her beautiful tits. I would not dare to neglected them. I cannot take it anymore. I must fuck her, now! I reach out and grab some lube from the night shel. She's already wet as fuck - but I want her extra moisturized now. I don't want to go slow this time. I want to enter hard and quick. I put a fair amount of lube on my dick. And then some on my two fingers that I bury deep inside her pussy. I spread it real good. All over her tight, warm sugar-walls. I pull her lengs together and lower her back. Her ass way up in the air. Her head down on the bed. Arms behind her back. I put the tip of my dick on her clit and jerk her a bit. She's starts moaning louder. 'Fuck me!' - she yells. I spread her ass-cheeks as far as possible and slide my dick into her. I can't believe it. It went surprisingly smooth. Still tight as fuck. Still a little bit painful. But in it went right away. All the way up and against the wall. She coughs a bit. I punched the breath out of her with my dick. It was kinda hot. I lose no more time. I start digging. Creating space and dimensions inside of her. Her pussy is now my playground. I get to play out my wildest imagination inside of her. I slap her ass hard. Maybe a bit too hard. She screams a bit in pain, but does not stop pounding back against my dick. I'm pulling on her long-ass pony tail. Red led lights shining right bellow her ass. The view... is breathtaking. I turn her around and pull her up. Now we're both standing next to my bed. I put her on leg on the bed and slide my dick into her from behind. She's completely surrendered. Leaning against my body. My hand on both of her tits. I'm licking and biting her neck and ear. My fingers on her clit. She's locked into a cage of pleasure. She cannot move. There is ecstasy coming from all angels. Pointing in all of her pleasure spots. Some of which she never knew she even had. I'm fucking her real hard. There is still something romantic about it... But it's mostly just hardcore, animalistic fucking. It's as hot as it is wild. I feel like I wanna roar on the top of my lungs. It's incredibly empowering. It makes you feel like you can move mountains. Again we change the position. Now I'm sitting on the bed. My lengs touching the floor and spread wide. She's standing in front of me, turning her back on me. Her tighs tightly sealed. She leans forward and slowly sits on my dick. Holding onto my legs. Again. The skill. The will. How?! How did this girl learn to ride and please a man like this?! I'm pretty sure she's just a natural.. No other explanation. She has been blessed with a gift. And I'm enjoying the fuck out if it. She's definitely a giver. Very, very generous. I lay back and relax. She keeps riding, ofcourse. Like the best, obedient, little whore. This gives me the opportunity to melt into the centre of the Universe once again, and disappear. I lose myself completely. Yet I am more here and more now than ever. I am all. I spiral in and out, up and down. I don't care one bit about anything at all. I might as well die this very moment. Next thing I know; she's laying on me. Her back against my chest. Her cute little butt still working my dick. Again; my one hand on her tits, the other one playing with her clit. We're making out. Sucking on each-other's tongues. H - O - T. Somehow we end up in 69. But not before I pull out a vibrator out of my toy-box... It's always under my bed. Waiting patiently. J's very, very pleasantly surprised. She giggles and gets a bit shy again. It makes me go nuts. She's sitting on my face now. If this is not Heaven, I don't know what is. I lick her clit like a mad man. I suck on it. Circle around it with my tongue as fast as (in)humanly possible. The dildo, which is significantly smaller than my dick, is now deep in her pussy. Vibrating... semi-fast. She is moaning, nearly screaming in ecstasy. With my dick in her mouth, of course. She comes all over my face. I cum deep into her throat. And the Earth stops spinning. At this point we kinda made peace with the fact that we'll just keep blowing each-other's minds. We obviously won't stop going higher and higher for a while. So we might as well get used to it. I was beyond happy when she said she's cool with swallowing cum. I brought the matter up at some point earlier that night. I could not wait to cum inside her. Even if inside her mouth, only. That's one of the reasons I kinda have a thing for anal. Because I can cum inside like a boss. But anal is definitely out of the picture with J. Her asshole is just waaay to tiny. Fucking her pussy already feels like anal lol. She mentioned she's thinking about the pill... We'll see. For now, I'm beyond satisfied with cumming in her mouth, only. Anyways... The night is not over yet. That's right, you horny mofo. There is more action. We eat some pizza, put a movie on and I role another blunt on her ass. That's right. On her, beautiful, round, juicy ass. We're both naked, obviously. We smoke, we laugh, talk a bit... and soon enough we're fucking again. In missionary. I grunt and talk dirty in her ear. Fast, hard and sudden strokes. Again I'm punching the breath out of her. Now repeatedly. She exited this plane of existence. Her eyes roll back. She comes all over my dick. Her body completely outside of her control. Shaking like mad. It was a full-body orgasm. She definitely reached a new level of surrender with me. She can cum much easier now. And much, much harder. She rides me some more. Then I fuck her gorgeous titties for some time and again cum in her throat. It's around 6AM now. We pretty much fucked the entire night. Pure, mother-fucking WIN. That's how you live life fully, people. I actually remember us high-fiving and fist-bumping several times during the night lol. It was very cool. We fall asleep like babies. A few hours later, I wake up with a boner next to a hot, naked brunette. Instinctively I fuck her. It was an awesome 'quicky'. She finally leaves my place around noon. We both had to start working at 2PM. What a fucking ride. Thanks, God. I really, truly appreciate it. I could not ask for more. Final thoughts: You see this? All of this? This right here... is Passion. I could not think up and in front all this and organize it this perfectly - even if I wanted to. It just happens on its own. It must happen on it's own. I simply have to let it take over. And boom! Magic! Sex! This right here... Is why J and I fuck so good. It is why we communicate so good. It is why she was attracted to me in the first place. Passion... Passion is sex.

@Zeroguy Hvala kralju! Takodje! Udri! https://youtu.be/u1z6QGgR1YQ

@Nahm Awesome, that makes sense. Thanks!

@Windappreciator Haha say what now? You think I must eat dick if I want to be fully enlightened?

@RickyFitts Please don't haha! I'm only one of you. @Nahm Not sure if I got that. Could you rephrase?

I am very familiar with disappointment. Pain. Heart-break. All of that jazz. You can avoid some of that by not jumping into a relationship with everyone you have sex with and can have a decent conversation with Maybe you should be tied down. Srbin je lud, Srbin je proklet. Jednom ga ubiješ, on hoće opet.

I can appreciate that. Just control yourself a bit, please. I would. She would. The future would. I don't know about you, but to me having sex and being able to talk to someone is not all that a relationship is about. It's a big part of it, but not all of it. A relationship is a much, much deeper thing to me. It is a journey on a completely new level. It is commitment. Dedication. Loyalty. Sacrifice. It is a sacred partnership. Who knows, maybe I'll start a 'relationship diary' one day, and you'll be able to extract some info there. Until then; this is about sex, mainly. A voice of reason. Thanks.

It's always fascinating to me when someone seems to know what I'm doing better than I do. It screams delusion. I'm having sex with this girl. That's it. You do you mkay.

@RickyFitts Yup, very true. Just recently I spent 3 days visiting my mother and grandmother. I don't know about a week, but I handled those 3 days like a boss