ivankiss

Why won't you die? Your blood in mine Will be fine Then your body will be mine

Ok, I'm craving pussy hard today. Can't wait to fuck J. Meanwhile; here's some sexy music:

Nonsense. Transcend it

Now that's just beautifully said. Thanks!

Something came up for J and we had to reschedule our date. I kinda had the feeling that would happen. Was not too surprised. She seemed genuinely sorry for not being able to make it. I told her she's being naughty and I might have to spank her. She's all hot for what I'm preparing for her - I can tell. We were sexting a bit earlier. I like how we communicate over text. Short and on point. Always a bit spicy. I feel good. Obviously; I'd be happy to have her here this very moment, but it's not like I'm going nuts or anything. This is an opportunity to focus on other stuff a bit more. And when we finally fuck again, it will feel like it's for the very first time.

I would not know. I never gave toxic masculinity a try. It was always repulsive to me. But I observed from a distance. I know how it moves. Men suffer, too. No doubt about it. Innocent men, guilty men. Strong men, weak and wounded men. But most importantly; men who have seen enough. But... Ladies definitely come first. Healing the feminine is the first step. Only then can the masculine reach its full potential.

@mandyjw Good thing it's only a message. Not the actual thing.

@mandyjw Not-two implies two could possibly be I see no two in 'One'.

It's a joke. Something that is One cannot be not-two.

The first step is obvious.. The Heavenly Masculine owes a massive apology to The Divine Feminine. We're in massive debt, guys. No wonder women are serving us shit. It's our final wake up call. Man up, and make it up.

Because they are confusing kindness for weakness. Simply put; they're not conscious enough. I dated chicks like this... it was hell. So much toxicity. So much nastiness. The sex was good... but overall not worth it. Now I don't go anywhere near bitchy girls. Now I recognize the mask for the fear and weakness that it really is. It's kinda sad. That being said; look around. We live in a world dominated by toxic masculine energy. No wonder our beautiful, tender, kind, warm and loving women are turning into dudes. A lot of women are actually men with boobs and vagina. Little to nothing feminine about them. They were robbed of that right. Her lights were extinguished through years and years of abuse, torture, rape, enslavement. In short; the feminine energy has been silenced and suppressed for the longest time now. Again... I find it very sad. But what can ya do? It's a mad world. I try to roll with it. In conclusion; the imbalance is obvious. Both men and women are scared to death of one another. Men do their stupid shit because of it. And women do their's. Both sides seemingly unaware of what's actually going on.

Thanks guys. The way I see it; it is a combination of letting go and taking massive action. You have an epic idea. You masturbate to that fantasy for a while and then you 'let go of it' and start putting in work, daily. You walk towards your vision, as it walks towards you. Thinking you can manifest your dream life while meditating on your couch is just silly, imo. Or maybe I'm just not at that level of mastery yet lol. Don't get me wrong... meditation can surely help you alot and accelerate your progress. But if you don't do the work, you will not get the results you want to see. You will just get real good at sitting on your couch and meditating for hours. You all seek something, on a daily basis. There is seeking energy in all of us. Sometimes we seek money, fame, sex, etc.. other times we seek Truth, enlightenment, happiness, peace, the end of suffering... You also seek your car keys when you don't find them. Or are you just like 'Meh, who cares, it's just a car key. I'm not attached to physical objects.' That's not what detachment is. And it's certainly not how life works. That's a misinterpretation of the teaching. I know myself as Truth. As freedom. Not allowing myself to seek, to create, to accomplish, etc... would be a massive limitation. It's like tying God's hands down. I understand those of you who are pointing towards no self - no problem. No seeking energy. No creation. No dream. No vision. No life. It's kinda annoying, but I get you. And in that sense; I agree with you. But on the other hand; screw all that spiritual mumbo jumbo. I'm getting the shit I want and nothing can stop me. It's simply what I want to express and experience myself as, next. Yes, I am God and no I cannot just sit back and let everything happen on its own. This thing requires my full participation. My full commitment and dedication. Passion. Strength. Courage. Will. Only then I'm truly out of the way, and everything can happen on its own.

6 months of deep inner healing behind me. I knew what I was getting myself into when I started this. I knew it wasn't going to be easy or pleasant. I was scared out of my mind. But I knew it had to be done. And this whole lockdown situation seemed like the perfect opportunity to dive in deep. I will not go into details; but basically, I've been severely traumatized in my past. On many, many different occasions. I went through some dark stuff. Physical, mental and emotional abuse. Drug abuse. Debt. Starvation. At some point I was pretty much homeless... and a fugitive in a foreign country. So yeah... Needless to say; my nervous system got fucked. I stored all that trauma in me. Never really dedicated myself to healing it at the core. I was only trying to deal with or mask the symptoms. So here's a few pointers/suggestions if you happened to be on the healing journey: First you need to gain some understanding on how all that trauma affected you. It affected you on all levels of being. Mental, emotional and physical. So what I would recommend is that you split your healing process into 3 parts. That way you will automatically gain some clarity and a sense of direction. You will eliminate the confusion on what it is that you're actually healing. You will understand where the 'disturbance' is coming from and how to respond to it. On the mental level; you're probably experiencing hardcore cognitive dissonance. You're constantly doubting and second-guessing everything. You have difficulties with deciding anything. You lack focus and have a short attention span. Mental fog. Endless negative thought loops. Rumination. Flashbacks. Memory loss. Etc... On the emotional level; well, pretty much everything. And sometimes all of it at once. Grief, shame, fear, guilt, sadness, anger, pity, envy, jealousy, regret, despair, devastation, loneliness, etc. Lots of anxiety and depression. On the physical level; headaches/migraines, pain in your bones and muscles, sleeping and eating disorders, poor body posture, lack of energy, feeling burnt-out, restlessness, grinding your teeth, biting your nails, poor hygiene, various digestion problems, etc. So here are my tips: 1. Educate yourself Learn about (C)PTSD. Watch some videos, read some books. There are many great resources out there. If you've been a victim of abuse; learn about your abuser. Understand where they're coming from and why they behave the way they do. It will help you during the forgiveness phase, too. 2. Shake your body! Oh man. I can't describe you how helpful this was when I started practicing it. You see; your nervous system is on fire. It's inflated. It's basically freaking out all the time, while you're trying to act cool and remain calm. So do this every morning, first thing - as soon as you get up from your bed. Before you even brush your teeth or go to the toilet. Set your timer on 5 minutes and just randomly shake your whole body. Really get into it. This will pull you out of your head a bit and connect you to your breath and body. It will release some of that negative energy. 3. Stretch There is a lot of tension stored in your body. Doing a full-body stretch or even some yoga can help you release a lot of that tension. It can ground and center you. Anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes is great. 4. Hot/cold showers Obviously good for your blood flow. It's like a nice reset button. Showers can both energize and relax you. 5. Candle meditation There are many forms of meditation. I found this one to be most beneficial during this period. It helps you with your focus, concentration and your attention span. Simply sit in a completely dark room and stare at the candlelight for at least 15 minutes. Whenever you notice yourself getting lost in thought; bring your attention back onto the flame and your breathing. 6. Screaming into a bucket full of water Another gem right here. I figured this out when I was in such deep pain that I simply didn't know what to do with myself. The only way out was screaming on the top of my lungs. I didn't want my neighbors to hear me, so I came up with this solution. It helped a lot. Not only when I was in pain, but also when I was numb and couldn't connect to my emotions at all. Watching the water being drained once you're done can be very therapeutic, too. You can imagine all your pain and trauma flowing away with the water. The only thing you have to be careful with when using this method is not to harm your voice. 7. Punch some pillows Ideally; you'd have access to a punching bag... But if you don't; a few pillows can work too. There's a lot of anger and frustration stored in your body. Gotta let it out somehow. Summon all those nasty feelings and punch the shit out of something. Maybe even curse at it a bit. You'll feel better. 8. Walk A nice 30 minute walk can do a lot. Let alone a 2hr walk. Even if you have no motivation to do absolutely anything... Try forcing yourself to go for a walk everyday. Let that be the one thing you must accomplish. It will help you put the rest of your day in a perspective. It will provide you with some mental space and clarity. Your body will be thankful, too. 9. Jogging/working out In a sense; this is on a higher level already. I know damn well it's impossible to get yourself to workout or run in your darkest hour. That's why shaking your body is a nice link in-between. So once you do gain some strength and motivation you can hit that gym or develop a workout routine at home. The benefits are pretty obvious. 10. ASMR Oh boy do I love these. I pretty much listen to ASMR videos every night before I fall asleep. Your main focus during the healing process should be on relaxing your entire system. And this stuff is incredibly soothing. Find the videos that you like the most and make a nice little relaxation routine. These are my two favorite YT channels; https://youtu.be/pYuljjR_6Fc https://youtu.be/-TbhTHeKBSQ 11. Binaural Beats Yet another way to soothe and massage the mind. 12. Cry. A lot. I cannot tell you how many times I felt like shit throughout my whole day just because I was avoiding those tears. This is the meat and potatoes of your healing process. It's how you release all that stuff you've been suppressing. It's how you make peace with whatever happened. It's how you forgive yourself or anyone else. In tears. Sometimes it can be difficult to connect with that part of you. You wanna cry but you just can't. This is where the screaming into a bucket method can help you, too. Once you scream it all out; those tears will come. But also; music can trigger you into crying too. Not just any kind of music, of course. So choose wisely. Make a sad playlist that speaks to you. Here's some music that hits the spot for me; https://youtu.be/os5Z-rtQitE - this whole album is just incredible. Very deep. Very therapeutic. Here's the whole thing; https://youtu.be/IFhc-bmcgI8 https://youtu.be/np2HtyhjUhY - another gem https://youtu.be/u4XevlloPY4 - and another one https://youtu.be/ycYewhiaVBk - and another one 13. Breathwork I'd say this is essential to the healing process. You can trigger a lot by simply breathing consciously for longer periods of time. You can also learn how to locate the trauma in your body and slowly breathe your way through it. I'd recommend you find some videos on YouTube and follow along. It will be easier for you not to get lost in thought and maintain a steady rhythm. 14. Talk therapy This can be another great option. If you find someone that resonates with you and you can open up yourself to them freely; that would help a lot. Simply talking it all out can make a huge difference. And if you pay a professional; it's their job to listen. They do not get involved emotionally like your friends or family might. So it will be much easier for you to feel heard and understood. Preferably, find someone who's specialized in this area. 15. Be creative Try finding a way to turn your thoughts and feelings into something. A way to express yourself. I know it can be extremely difficult. Trust me - I've been making music for 15 years, non stop. But when this stuff hit me; I could not do shit. I could not even begin to articulate all those thoughts and feelings, let alone translate them into a song... But I sure tried. It was all crap and I never finished what I started writing...But it was something. I was being creative - and that's the only thing that mattered. If you don't already have something; try picking up a new thing. Sketch, paint, write... Whatever allows you to express yourself. 16. Socialize It can be tempting to completely isolate yourself and cut off all connections while you're going through this. And while on some point that may be beneficial or even necessary... In the long run it will do you more harm than good. So start interacting with people. You don't have to let anyone too close or open yourself too much... Just do the basic, surface - level stuff, here and there. It will energize you and give you a broader perspective. 17. CBD Oil and Oxytocin I have yet to put my hands onto these, but I hear great things. CBD is great for relaxing your system. I'd suggest you get the non-psychoactive version. Oxytocin is basically known as the 'love hormone', and if you've been traumatized; your system needs this stuff. I'd suggest you to be very careful with supplements though. Know what you're taking. So there you go. That's what I got for you for now. Might add some more later... While I already came pretty far and healed quite a lot; I am nowhere near done. This stuff has been holding me back for ages. I am unable to move forward and accomplish my goals until I am healed. What keeps me going though (besides my highest calling) is the fact that I already survived the worst. I am safe now. No one can disturb my peace. However; peace will take some time to get used to. Hope someone finds this helpful. Much love and respect.

Warning: Complete Transparency! I go deep into detail here! K K is a 20 year old, goth (or whatever) girl. I'd say her style is somewhat goofy but also edgy, kinda trashy and hot. I can dig it. Black hair. French cut. Wide hips, nice, big, round ass and small, perky titties. A nice, full A cup. If V is chubby... K is busty. To tell you the story of her, I must go back almost a year in time. I just moved out of our apartment where I lived with my ex. Got my own, cool, little, sexy place. Later on; I ended up getting back with my ex for a few more months, but we lived separately. It was during this 'break' - if you will - that I met K. I was feeling pretty down in that period of my life and was not hiding it. There was some sort of a festival going on in the city, so I decided to check it out on the night of my birthday. My friend, who I mentioned in my previous post about V, was there too. His few buddies as well. We drink, we eat, we listen to awesome live music... And then my friend, his friend, I and two girls head towards my friend's apartment. Haha. Bit of a mouthful there. 3 dudes, 2 girls. I was pretty much silent and in the background the whole time. We walked there from the City centre. It was a 20 minute walk or so. At his place; we drink some more and talk. One of the girls is studying psychology. So things grab my attention a bit. The other girl is K. I start relaxing and enjoying myself a bit. Still kinda playing the 'I don't give a fuck about being here' role. I speak little but with attitude. And smart. Kinda provocative. I can tell both of them are getting turned on. The attraction was obvious. My two friends are left hanging outside. They're kinda fine with it. A bit envious but not butthurt or anything. Also; they are way too drunk to pull anything off. The conversation kinda turns sexual and I narrow down my view on K. I could sense the other girl was not as spontaneous. She said at one point she likes to go out on a date before smashing, etc... K however... She mentioned she ditched a very lame and lazy fuck buddy not so long ago.. So I lose no more time. It's already 5AM or so. If we don't fuck now I'll black out lol. I look right in her eyes and say: 'K, are you perhaps in need of a new fuck buddy?' Her friend chuckles. My two guy friends cannot believe how casually and smoothly I just pulled that off. But I just truly did not give a fuck. I was fine with either smashing or not. She says: 'I am.' - Smiling seductively. I could tell she was so grateful I asked. I call a taxi, we go to my place and have some pretty damn good sex. For an hour, or so. She was very submissive. I could do with her whatever I wanted, pretty much. But I did not go all crazy over her. Nothing too outside of the ordinary. We barely spoke. She's a very introverted girl - I'd say. But also kinda smart and mature for her age. An intellectual. A bit of an outsider. Kinda artsy. I like it. She was 19 when I met her. Very young. It's kinda hot to me - I can't help it. She had very few sex partners up until then. I was her sixth - if I remember correctly. Her pussy too was very tight. Not as tight as J's, but tight nevertheless. After that night; she came over two or three more times, and then ghosted my ass. She just disappeared. Stopped responding to my text. I stopped texting. Then... A month or two ago; I bump into her. We flirt a bit and I ask her if she wants to hang out. She's down. She comes to my place the next night and we have some absolutely amazing sex. Very hot and very wild. She follows my lead perfectly but also takes over control a few times. She sucks dick amazingly. Great deep throat skills. She loves sucking. You can really tell. I kinda had to stop her when I had enough. Otherwise she'd keep going forever lol. And I could definitely go on forever licking that fresh, young, beautiful, pink pussy. She has gorgeous pussy-lips. Lovely little clit. So fucking hot. Besides all that epicness... there is one more very important thing that stands out with this girl. She reaaally likes anal. Oh my God... This is the first girl that I had sex with that really, truly liked it up her butt. I was do damn incredibly surprised. Such a dream come true lol. I fucked her tight pussy and her even tighter ass for at least two hours that night. Pretty damn hard. Another 30 minutes or so in the morning. Came in her ass like a true hero, twice. Absolutely kick-ass, epic times. Again; little to no talk... but the vibe is good. It's real. No BS in the air. I think she's a bit intimidated by me. She's 7 years younger... I really don't know. But she's definitely attracted to me, too. As I am to her. Then... She ghosted my ass again. I tried to arrange another 'date', but she came up with some lame excuse and then I stopped texting her. I got the message. K is practically a teenage girl. She lives a very different lifestyle than I do. Values different stuff. Moves at a different speed. In different directions. She's simply a more spontaneous type of deal. You must catch her at the perfect time. Chasing her would be the wrong move here. However; I'm definitely looking forward to fucking her again.

Warning: Complete Transparency! I go deep into detail here! There is too much chit-chat going in in this thread and not enough action. As promised; I'll do a short introduction of the other two FWB's that I've been hooking up with recently. 'V' and 'K'. I'm pretty sure I won't be hooking up with V again. But K crosses my mind every now and then. It might totally happen again. In any case; these girls are, I'd say, very relevant to this little story I've got going on here. They both showed up after I ended my most recent relationship. They are a part of this whole new chapter of my life. Regarding J - just as a teaser - I have in mind something special and naughty for us two. I just texted her earlier: 'We could play a little game tomorrow night...' She replies: 'What kind of a game?' I say: 'Can't say much. I'd ruin the surprise. But it involves you being tied down.' Stay tuned. If everything goes as planned; tomorrow night I'm giving her the full package. The full treatment. The full Ivan experience lol. Onto V and K now... V I was thinking whether I should start with K or V... and since this whole diary started on a very high note - I think it's cool if I balance things out now with a not-so-magical experience of mine. Among the three, V is definitely the least favorite. K being right in the middle. Yeah, it's kinda sick that I objectify and rate girls like this... but you know that I'm a cool and smart dude. There's a reason behind why I'm doing all this. I'm not just mindlessly bragging about how I'm fucking girls. I'm actually learning stuff here. Anyhow... I derail. V... V is a 26 year old alternative-looking chick. She's into tattoos and piercings. Works in an art shop. A bit chubby. But has a great ass and absolutely massive titts. Nice lips, too. Overall, a nice looking girl. Definitely not a model. But pretty damn attractive and fun. She has a bad reputation. I know her through a friend. It's a small story on its own. 7 or 8 years ago I've been visiting the friend I mentioned, in this city. I have not been living here back then. I believe my friend was having a big birthday party. In short; I got shittfaced and fucked V under a bridge that night. She happened to be on that party too. That's how we met. Back then; It was pretty awesome. A nice little drunken quicky. Although she was super annoying throughout the night. She just would not climb off of me. She was following me around the whole night until I finally fucked her. At moments I was kinda repulsed by her. But I smashed nevertheless. Because whatever. I guess I like pussy a bit too much lol. I prefer cute, little, light, petite girls - like J is. Especially if they also have nice hips, a round ass and big titties - like J does. But I also like bigger girls, sometimes. There's something about them that turns me on. Not all the time and not equally as hard. But I find big women beautiful, too. Just, you know, not too big and not too all over the place. Chubby. Not fat. With style. Just like V. She has a few extra kilos.. 10 or 20 I'd say... but she's a fucking sex bomb. A pure fuck-machine. I mean; you can do it as hard and as nasty as you possibly can. She's a dirty (not so)little hoe. She loves dick. And is known for being easy. Also; kinda crazy. So yeah - I'm not the proudest of fucking her... On several different occasions... But on the other hand; I'm also grateful she came by. It was just what I needed back then. I was 2 or so months out of my relationship. I did not want a new one yet - obviously. But I was horny as fuck. I rarely had any good sex towards the end of that relationship. And even before that things were off in the bedroom. So yeah... I was severely sexually frustrated. I had a lot of sexual tension built up. Ready to explode. I've been holding in for too long. It almost felt like torture. Anyhow; I'm right out of a long-ass, intense, toxic, abusive but also kinda beautiful and life-changing relationship. My self-esteem: shattered. My heart: broken. My life: a mess. My dick: hard. One night I decide to drag my miserable, depressed ass to that very same friend's party. We have a blast. He mentions me that V knows that I'm in town and she wants my dick. I laugh and think to myself: 'Perfect! Exactly what I need right now!' A few days later V texts me first. At 3AM. She's inviting me to a party. I reject. I was not in the mood. Also; had work to do the next day. I text her a few nights after that and she comes over. We start fucking pretty consistently. Every two or three nights or so. What I loved about her is: obviously, her curves. Big, fat but fit ass. Giant double D's. Thick tighs. Juicy, fat pussy. Nice lips for sucking dick. Good at deep throat. Swallows cum. Sometimes into anal, and when she is; you can go as rough as you want. Balls deep. I came like a King in her ass - multiple times. Down for whatever, whenever, however. Pretty much all the time. Very available. In that sense; the perfect booty call. What I hated about her: she just does not know how to fuck good. She feels awkward and too masculine. She sucks at being submissive. She wants to be the dude while having sex lol. Always pounding back against me off beat. Screwing up the tempo. It was so frustrating. She just lacks the feel. Cannot be still for one second. Literally. Sometimes I slapped her ass so damn hard because of it. The bitch liked it too much. She's just a not-so-high-quality chick. Nothing too special about her personality, either. She's kinda arrogant and loves to gossip. But... I made it so that our interactions were not too bad. I had ok conversations with her. It was kinda, sorta fun. But not mind-blowing or anything like that. Sex was just heartless. No feelings. If anything; feelings of frustration and anger. Emptiness. Shame. Sometimes; disgust. Both over myself and her. Nothing sensual, divine or romantic about the experience. Dirty, animalistic fucking only. But, I can't say there were no moments of ecstasy, too. I obviously enjoyed the dick-to-pussy action. It was all around that that was messy. But I guess that kind of stuff is hot to me too - sometimes. Maybe I'm a bit of a weirdo. You tell me. I ditched V twice. Once when I was too disappointed in myself for 'lowering my standards' too much... and then again not so long ago. I fucked her a few times in-between because... you guessed it... I was desperately horny. I was not ready yet to go out there and get the chick that I actually wanted. My game was off - if there is such a thing. My energy down. My jokes - cringy. My self-esteem - still a mess. I had work to do. But I needed pussy, bad. So I settled for what I could get my hands on. I settled for V. Am not regretting it. She could have been the perfect slave - if only I had the will, patience and desire. I could have forced her into complete submission with my dick. And my whip. But it did not seem worthwhile. I really did not like her too much. I did not vibe with her good. In the beginning I even struggled with staying hard. I knew she was a very temporary solution. We had nice times - not gonna be that full of shit... We still had some nasty, hard-core sex. But that's not all that matters to me. Even in a 'friends with benefits' scenario. K, on the other hand, was already much, much more of what I seek in a girl. More on that in my next post...

That's some next level shit guys...

@Applegarden8 Love you too mate

Reko sam joj da sam sit i princeza i svih drugih prevarenih zena, a i nje...

@MuadDib @4201 Dudes... Fucking epic stuff right there. Amazing insights. Good for you. My mind cannot handle this thread atm. Will come back with a full reply. Thanks! @WaveInTheOcean Ahh, yes, true, true. But is it... the entire Truth?

You guys are so perfect for each-other

@Hulia sex sells

@Hulia Well, soon enough I'll have to report about a new girl and disappoint ya'all.

Your realization/awakening is half-baked. That's why things seem scary, threatening and empty in a negative sense. Work hard to flush all that nihilism down the toilet. Balance your realization of 'no-thing' with joy, fulfilment, purpose, passion. Without those; you'll be stuck in no-man's land. Consumed by endless meaninglessness. Start creating the life you wanna live. Claim full ownership. Take full responsibility. Step into your power. Into The Light.

In short - here's what happened last night; We met in a beautiful park. Had a nice little wall and talk. We cuddled and made out for a while. Regarding the movies; she understood my point of view. As well as my concerns regarding us not being able to control our emotions. She too would not like to see this end just yet. But she agrees it will be a bit painful when it does. It was a bit weird to talk about things ending... but I think it was necessary that we touched upon that and cleared the air. Basically; I'm freaking out a bit too much - for nothing. Trying to micromanage things a bit too much, too hard. I must relax more and trust that this will unfold in the best possible way. Simply enjoying the ride. There is already a lot of growth and expansion happening on both sides - I'd say. We're both learning stuff about ourselves as we go. I showed her a lot in a short period of time. And she, well, she made me feel a lot. She showed me plenty, too. Reminded me - if nothing else. Made me be in touch with a very significant part of myself again. I'm very grateful for that. I still have the lead role in the dynamic. We both like it that way - I'd say. I have a lot more to show her. And she seems to be totally down for that... Later on we went to my place again. Ate some good food, talked, listened to good music and had sex for at least two hours. A bit more romance in the air again. It was less animalistic than last time. But we still went rough here and there. We fucked twice during the night and once in the morning. I came 3 times. She came 5 or 6 times. 2 full-body orgasms. It was awesome. She was very surprised how hard she can actually cum. No one made her go that far before. My dick is kinda sore now. We agreed to take a short break. Two or three days. All in all; things are looking good. I'm satisfied, happy and at peace. My balls all emptied out lol. Life is good.

All is well. She's in my bed already.