Extreme Z7

<--[02-28-16]--> Meh. . . Nothing of interest to write about today. Did some studying for college. Read some fiction a bit. Then watched some tutorials online and some entertaining videos too. Played a video game for half an hour. And now I'm reading a pdf of Ouspensky's "The Fourth Way". Pretty regular day. What were you expecting more? Sorry. . . here's a picture of a. . . actually nevermind, I don't get what's so funny about posting a random image because you're not feeling motivated enough to write something creative.

<--[02-27-16]--> E-go away I don't think I've yet the mentioned the biggest problem I struggle with everyday, myself. I'm very neurotic. You might be sitting there reading this thinking "So what? Everyone is neurotic". But you see I find myself having to argue with my ego constantly. My ego is scared of uncertainty. It has a hard time trying to accept reality. Not uncertainty as in whether or not I'll be able to achieve my dreams but rather uncertainty as in whether or not what I'm chasing will ever make me happy. Enlightened teachers talk a lot about "freedom". This is the happiness that I'm talking about. My ego absolutely despises where it currently is. It wants keep doing what it wants and what it wants ONLY. The reality is it keeps getting pulled by other responsibilities. On days when I have to go to college, I have spend several hours in the courses and I'm left with very very little time to do what it wants to do. Even when I get to do what I want to do, ego still suffers and worries and is constantly thinking that I eventually am going to go back to doing stuff that I don't like. Why don't I like going to my college? It's boring. The course lectures are uninteresting to me. Here's the thing though, this is reality. My ego is very impatient. It does not want to accept this. Many times during the day, I find myself floating to fantasy land. (It has fantasies about so many things, by the way, but I want to keep them secret. They're going to disappear eventually anyway, I hope.) I've been doing personal development for about a year now. So I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that I still have loads of work to do. But even that my ego refuses to accept. It wants to believe that it's at a pretty high state already. Or maybe it wants to fantasize about the higher states of the future just to completely escape the present, it's awful. Getting rid of the ego entirely will require faith and patience from me but that is a process that I believe will take years. Fortunately, so far I've discovered ways to slowly lessen the negative impact my egoistic neurotic self has in my life. Meditation - Good for the art of detachment. So far I haven't felt any significant effect it has had in weakening the ego but it has given me the power to at least detach from it at times. Also known as mindfulness. Visualization/The Law of Attraction - Learning this practice is like hacking for the mind. This technique is very different from fantasizing though. A lot of people miss this important point. Visualization is a technique that is very powerful for letting your mind do what you want it to do. First you need to instill a belief that you can control your mind (even though you can't but this is just a paradox you can ignore) and also that your mind affects what happens in your reality which is the key to the entire process. Learn about it and you can use this technique to visualize acts that go 100% against what your ego wants. Very powerful not just for productivity but also for overall emotional stability throughout the day. Journaling - I actually hesitated to write about my ego in this entry. I found that in my previous entries I focused mainly on the positive aspects of the day. Now, I've basically gained the courage to start filtering myself a little less. I'm a very secretive and dishonest person. I hide a lot of details about myself from other people. Don't worry, I'm working on opening myself out a bit more. I find that's necessary to rid the suffering. Oooookaay. . . I'm sleepy. I'm signing off and going to bed.

Emotional troubles are incredibly petty. This is something that's a bit hard for some people to accept. It takes practice to look through the sensations of the body and get your ass motivated to actualization.

<--[02-26-16]--> Ramble Ramble Anxiety Ramble Still suffering from a lot of anxiety. Not extreme anxiety, it's just a bit more constant. It arises occasionally then goes away then comes back again. It's mostly from dissatisfaction from my current situation and also occasional doubts about pursuing my future dream life. One of the challenges I face everyday is trying to keep myself motivated despite whatever anyone else thinks and especially what the voice in my head tells me. This is a challenge that I don't always accomplish. I did very little creative work today. The voice in my head is comparing my work to other people's work again. For some reason, whenever I feel surrounded by my negative emotions, a fear of pursuing any kind of long-term activity arises. The voice is telling me "all that work, and for what?". Fortunately, I never listen to it yet I feel like I need to wait for it to go away before I get back. It takes extreme resilience on my part to still keep going despite all the shit I've experienced so far early in this journey. That's one thing about me. I'm easily frustrated but at the same very persistent. But it's not enough, I find Mindfulness and Self-Motivation are the most helpful attributes that fight against doubt and anxiety. My meditation session today was great but not in a way you might think. I actually let my negative thoughts and emotions flow throughout the entire thing. I didn't like how I was feeling during the process but surprisingly, I actually came out feeling very calm afterwards. But here's something that I failed to notice until now as I write this, I was not exactly motivated to do anything. My head was up in the clouds in my peacefulness during the 3 or 4 hours after that the anxiety came back and now I realize just how little I stepped towards my goals today. I need to balance my work towards getting rid of my neurotic emotional troubles and learning to self-motivate. I'm pretty good at being mindful but self-motivation is something I'm only beginning to see the importance of. It also made me realize that my petty emotional troubles may not be the most significant problem in my life that I need to fix. So that's something. To be fair, I did not spend the entire day doing nothing. Laziness is not something I suffer from. (Maybe procrastination but I can keep that in check). I started the day with a random thought of wanting to start learning the basics of web development. So I did that and it took the entire morning. Now I have Joomla (an online Content Management System. . . basically you can make websites with it) installed in a localhost service. (Putting it up online costs money.) Today was half day in college so a large portion of the afternoon was spent there. When I got back home, my college mate contacted me via FaceBook and I needed to go spend the evening doing college work. So aside from the meditation practice, I accomplished nothing that I would be proud of. (Well, I'm a little but proud of the web development thing but that was just installation.) Do I think today was wasted? No, not really. This college work I don't like doing but need to anyway, I've been putting that off for a while so I guess it's like I'm stuck between two worlds and I got too immersed in one of them for quite a while. I'm going to try to balance the two in the future. Let's see where that takes me.

<--[02-25-16]--> I guess I'm not completely alone First of all, I would like to thank all of you who have seen my journal and supported me so far. I didn't think people would get interested in it let alone keep following the daily entries I plan. I decided to start this journal just out of simple curiosity of how it would be like if I started writing my current situation now then compared it with what my future self will write maybe 10 years down the line. This journal has helped me meet some new people who decided to leave replies to my entries. Not a lot of people, but enough to keep me motivated to keep self-actualizing and regularly updating it. For all those who follow my journal, I have big plans for being able to make a career out of making original content. I have amateur skills in music production, game development, and video editing. So far, I've focused only on my music passion in this journal. I will be talking more on other skillsets I want to develop in future entries. I also want to start my own personal website sometime but again, that's for the future. For now, shout out to @pOnG who so happens to live in the same town as I do. @DizIzMikey for being a cool dude. And especially @Soulbass who has given music production tips that I've actually used in my recent tracks and also has given me some support that has helped me a lot. The next step for me I think is to start actually meeting people in person. I have never had a close friend in my life before. My childhood as been predominated by technology and entertainment. Don't get me wrong, I love my video games. But I've missed a very significant part of life, that nothing in life is accomplished alone. But I still think that will also be for some weeks/months in the future. For now, I just want to focus on being productive. And speaking about music production, I managed to get a another track finished today. How about that? I want to focus on hardcore music at the moment but sometime I'll be expanding my horizons but I think it's important that I focus on one style of music at a time. My new track is titled "Tribal Tunnel". It's a track inspired by ethnic music. I sampled 2 acoustic ethnic loops I got from somewhere to make the song, everything else are either percussion elements or synth sounds.

@Soulbass Thank you!!!!!

Very well said, I enjoyed reading it. I'm still trying to figure out the path to my goals myself. I prefer to talk about them in my own journal.

<--[02-24-16]--> Friend? Dead End. I actually just went through some moderate feelings of frustration today. Here's something I have not talked about yet. I'm usually upset that I spend hours working on music I want to make but don't have anybody I want to show it to. No I don't mean online, I mean to a friend or something. Here's the thing, I don't have any close friends, I don't resonate with most of the students I meet in college. My brother constantly distracts himself with his smartphone. Who's left, my parents, pfff? Fortunately, I have met someone here in the Actualized.org forums who comes from the same town I live. I want to be able to meet him sometime, not to just shameless show him my work obviously, I want to be able to talk with someone about different facets of life in general. My collegemates don't do that very often. Mostly talking to each other about academic life issues and some pretty pointless topics about the entertainment they watch. That's another thing, I wish they'd stop spending so much time just scrolling through Facebook and giggling at all the memes. Even when someone actually does notice me making music (I make all my music with just my laptop), I don't really care about what they have to say about how "cool" they think it is. I want to meet other people who actually have some taste in music and am able to talk to in various subtopics. Not just look at someone doing something they've never seen before, react, then leave. Reversal: Don't confuse my rant with me thinking I'm doing something wrong. I actually think that what I'm feeling is perfectly normal. The majority of people lives, especially in modern society, revolve around quick gratification and chimpery. Personal development involves getting away from all that. It's a sign that I'm slowly putting in the effort to improve my life. Kind of like what they say about old drawing you've made. The fact that you hate them just means you've improved. Oh yes, some dickhead who's on my friend list (but shouldn't) just posted this video on Facebook. My attention got trapped for half the video then I forced myself to stop. I want you to try watching it too and see how quickly you can resist the temptation to watch the entire thing. Again I stopped watching halfway, so the highscore should be easy to beat. Good Luck EDIT: I decided to write a witty comment to whoever posted it saying "The saddest part is, the people who watch the entire video are the true idiots" BOOSH! Nice to end the day giving these fools a virtual slap in the face. I'm going to bed now. Dreamland awaits.

Having a strong ideology means being sensitive with a narrow set of ideas about how you think the world works and how you think it should work. This is a very big sign of neurosis. People with even an average level of ideological obsession rarely experience fast growth in life. In order to maintain the ideology, you have to constantly self-deceive and manipulate your actions and thoughts in such a way that it affirms what you think the truth is. Anyone who is not spiritually enlightened has an ideology to some degree. Even my words you're reading right now is from my own personal ideology. This is because an ideology is essentially a model of how the external world works. In order to function in everyday life, your mind needs to generate a model in which to follow. The problem is though, is that this ideology is not always geared towards finding one's ultimate happiness. Some people have ideologies geared towards validating their own suffering. Even some of the people who have decided to gear their model towards happiness are pretty ignorant of the proper concepts required to maximize happiness or hell, even understand what happiness actually is. One last thing, ideology is not the same is dogma. I think we should make the distinction that an ideology is just your world view and dogma is a set of external rules and beliefs you think you should follow which may be worse but I think ideology is a much deeper and more significant topic particularly with the orange stage of psychological development and probably even green. So what do you think? Let me know in this thread if you think this is a good video topic.

@TruthSeeker Is this satire? I. . . I'm not sure if you're being serious or not. I actually believe you're just messing with us. LOL. . . . . . . . . . . You are just messing with us right?

<--[02-23-16]--> Gabber Begginer I finished the new hardcore track I've hinted in previous entries. I've labeled it with a 'Gabber' tag on SoundCloud. Gabber is a type of Hardcore Techno that focuses on distorting the kick drum and usually involves really fast tempos. It's my favorite track so far but I feel like I can still improve a lot more. Despite other people telling me I'm really good, I know that I'm still very much a beginner as a music producer. I'm not saying I have low self-esteem, I'm just saying that I recognize how much I still need to learn. I want to focus on making Gabber tracks at the moment. Why? Well I'll leave that as a surprise for 2 months in the future. Anyway, Presenting. . . . . . . F***, My latest hardcore production. Warning: This genre is not for the faint of heart. I also made a new header image for my Synthdroid account in SoundCloud using Photoshop. I don't think it's great but what do you think?

To an extent, everyone fools themselves to some degree regardless of whether or not they're being sold a "magic pill" or raised in the rainforest and has never seen a television before. Do not state that other people are not seeing reality until you yourself have not only seen it but become it. (Yes, I'm talking from a consciousness perspective again). When you say "reality", what you're actually saying is your perspective. So when you say your husband is not seeing reality, you're actually saying that he does not see your perspective which is just as narrow and deluded as not only his but everyone else's. I recently wrote in my journal about my short experience where I suddenly felt separation between experience and mind. It was so radically different from what mind used to tell about reality. It's the closest I've ever felt to reality itself yet I know there is still more to discover. You're already doing a pretty good job in managing your mind! There is still a lot more to discover about reality. Being overly skeptical about everything will not help you advance to these higher levels of truth that I'm trying to point to. Not only that, I actually recommend that you listen to everything but without judgement. Experience everything but without attachment. The next step is to discover what the mind actually is existentially. Do this and you have reached the next evolutionary step in your consciousness.

@Anicko You are right about the mind being deceptive about what is truth in the world. However, here's something a bit freaky. Awareness of the placebo effect still does not reveal truth. Your mind still does not know itself for what it is. You might even say that illusion that the mind is consciousness is the ultimate placebo effect. I'm not sure if you consider yourself a spiritual seeker. If not, then feel free to ignore what I just said. I just like to approach conversations of the mind through a metaphysical/consciousness perspective. Regarding Nadia's challenge, I also don't think the 21 days without orgasm is going to help much. Getting rid of sexual desires will only help the person who is obsessed with it to a point that it holds him/her back. I'm a person with minor physical problems that prevent me from experiencing orgasms. Never had one in my life, although I don't think about it too much, I actually care very little about sexual desires. My lack of sexual experience has never held me back. Yet, I've experienced terrible difficulties in happiness and creative areas growing up. I'm only now finally working my way up and building my skills. What actually works is ambition, discipline, serenity, all other "flowery" and calm traits and a whole bunch a knowledge. Not knowledge from scientific experiments, though. I find those will not help you much. I mean knowledge about how your consciousness actually works and how to direct it. Knowledge so deep that it is impossible to accurately communicate to another person. I'm rambling about consciousness again. Well, I'm off to maybe play some NES games on emulator.

@Nadia Starseed I understand you feeling excited at the possibility of feeling the joy you felt as a child before. The tricky thing to understand is that the source of the enjoyment as a child is always there. It's been buried after years of conditioning not only by sexual desires but all kinds of imaginations your mind creates. What you need is not just to experience not having the desire fulfilled. You need to remove the attachment from it. And even then, that's just step #1. You can clean the cobwebs but you need to find and kill the spiders @Anicko I'm confused. So are you saying it will not work or it will work? You say you think it's useless advice and then immediately follow it up with a sentence implying that it may work as long as you believe it does because that's "how our minds work"? Please notice the contradiction and clarify your message. I mean take a look at this sentence: I think it will work great! If you believe it's going to make a difference, you'll likely experience just that. It's how our minds work. This is more contextually coherent in my mind.

LOL, That's a pretty insightful rap.

<--[02-22-16]--> Do you MIND? I was walking from the college back home while listening to an mp3 lecture about enlightenment when the lecturer suddenly said to stop and take a look out my surroundings. Take an empty perspective to it. (I don't really remember the exact wording, I'm paraphrasing) Notice how everything that is going on is there. He started talking as if the people he were speaking to were all enlightened. After a while, I started to feel a subtle sense that I am not my mind. This is something I have not yet felt before during my spiritual journey. Pretty much everything I did with enlightenment before that involved the mind in some way. I used to try to notice my vision, for example, and have a thought, "I am what I see". I am only now realizing that even that is a process of the mind, it is not spiritual experience. Now, it was definitely not an enlightenment experience but, it was oddly peaceful. It was not pure bliss, but it was more like seeing everything with a carpet of "neutral being" everywhere. My favorite part was when the lecturer said, "Notice the mind losing its power". I liked that line a lot because it pretty much described what "I" was thinking of at the moment. It lasted like that for the entire time I walked home. And if you're curious, this was the video I converted to an mp3:

@DizIzMikey Thanks a lot for your support. I'll be sure to send you a message when I finish it so you won't miss it.

@DizIzMikey That track is finished now. I posted it at Entry 02-19-16 as Distortion Story. I'm also working on another hardcore track which I think is going to be even better. Haha. . . I have ambitions about being really excellent not just as a music producer but on so many other fields like game development and drawing but I'm so far from that goal right now. Heck, I even think I could reach spiritual enlightenment earlier than I could become "legendary" at anything. Thank you for listening to my track, I appreciate that a lot. But again, I'm working on a new track at the moment that I could likely finish within the week. I want to make it really wacky and fun to listen to. Just like 'Distortion Story', I'll just post the SoundCloud embed on one of my journal entries.

<--[02-21-16]--> The Sun? What's That? Part 2 Same as yesterday, stayed at home all day on my laptop. Didn't even have the time to read anything because I spent half the day working on a college assignment. I spent the other half working on producing a new hardcore track. Which I'm liking a lot so far, by the way. Can't wait to finish so I can share it to the world. I feel like I'm getting better as a music producer. I still think a lot of what is possible for me as a producer in the future. This is why I called this journal "Upgrading to the Maximum Level in Life". I would be a hypocrite if I didn't spend hours everyday practicing the technical skills required to achieve all the ambitious accomplishments I keep visualizing everyday. Oh yeah, I also have been spending some time before bedtime playing the original Megaman on emulator. There some games from the past which I've not played but I'd like to spend a little time on to take a look at. Aside from an aspiring video game composer, I consider myself kind of an apprentice video game nerd. Today, I beat Dr. Wily just before 9:30pm. I ended up really liking Megaman. Can't wait to play the next games on the series. [Game Over, Dr. Wily]

All states of awareness are already part of awareness itself. I am not saying that you are already conscious all the time. I'm saying that your true self encompasses all states of awareness. Whenever you think you're 'aware' of yourself, the nature of that awareness is no different from when you are experiencing anything else even if you are at a low consciousness state. Be very careful from what I just said because it's just another concept about enlightenment. I suggest you watch Leo's latest video.

<--[02-20-16]--> The Sun? What's that? I don't go out too often. I mostly stay with my laptop doing college work, creative hobbies, and various entertainment. During days I don't need to go to university lectures, I stay at home with my laptop. 66% of my time is spent on college work/hobbies, it depends on how urgent the college work is. 16% is spent either watching tutorials or reading something educational. The other 16% is on entertainment. The remaining 1% is spent here writing in this journal. Notice the 0% spent hanging out with friends. I actually rarely feel loneliness. I'm very comfortable being just by myself and even being actively different at social gatherings. I also honestly believe my meditation practice has been a big contribution to that. To be honest, I actually don't care who reads/follows my journal. I do this mainly for me, this journal is just another personal hobby. I don't do this journal because I feel like I want to share it with other people, I mostly do it because. . .I don't know. . . I find a subtle joy in writing even though it's not my main passion.

@Zippie Hey hey hey. . . . . . . . . . don't worry about it.

<--[02-19-16]--> Regular Story You know, I spend about 15 minutes walking to my college and more time going back home. I'd either just try to observe my surroundings but that's usually boring so I put on my headphones and listen to music during my walk most of the time. I don't know why I haven't come up with the idea earlier that I could listen to educational content instead. First of all, it's not boring and I get to learn some new stuff. I usually want to listen to podcasts and other long audio content when I'm working on anything not related to music like game development, coding, or doodling around in Photoshop. The first thing I decided to listen to was an audio version of this video: Oh yeah, I've also just uploaded a new Speedcore track to SoundCloud today. (I also enjoyed making the logo for it.) Today was not bad. I liked today. I even ended it playing the original Megaman on emulator before going to bed.

<--[02-18-16]--> Ad, Not Bad If you've hung around the internet for long enough, you've probably come across some information that advertising companies like to get your browsing history that then get processed with computing algorithms to then sell you ads dedicated to your tastes. As shady as it is, that's not why I bring it up. The reason why I mention it is because I came across an internet advertising banner ad about "Creative Visualization". I figured that sort of thing was recommended to me because of my browsing habits being biased towards personal development material. This is probably the only internet ad I've ever actually got genuinely interested in (and of course, the word "FREE" was definitely alluring despite me knowing that it's a common marketing term). The ad was for a free Creative Visualization video course. The catch of course was that you get asked if you want to pay for the full course which includes going to a live seminar. I'm not interested in the full course because the free content they offer seems to have been enough to convince me that the skill of visualization is something more significant that I originally gave it credit for. Leo's videos on visualization didn't really convince me that I needed the habit. The video below is the first video they show you in the free course. It got me to decide to start this new habit. I would never have thought I would discover new ways of doing personal development by means of internet advertising. We all know most of the internet ads out there pander crap. I used to think ALL of them pander garbage. I even decided to take a look outside to make sure the sky isn't falling or if everyone suddenly decided to drive their cars in reverse.

Hi, I came across a video that YouTube's algorithms recommended to me today. It's titled "The Hidden Teachings of Jesus". It's about an hour long and I'm only 1 and a half minutes in as I write this but I felt like this needs to be shared. I find Leo's videos on Enlightenment as very eye-opening and life-changing but I feel he mostly talks about the basics. I would like to see videos that other people made that talk more advanced Enlightenment content. Here's the video I mentioned: