Extreme Z7

<06-30-16> Guess Who's Finally Gotten Some MotherEffin' Wi-Fi? Yeah, I've been internet deprived for the past few days after moving to a new residence that's close to my internship workplace. You know what the funny thing is? As much as I suffered some withdrawal symptoms after not having internet connectivity, now that I have internet, I actually don't even feel like I need to use the internet, at least for entertainment. I mean that will probably change in a few days but for now, all I want is to lay down in my comfy little bed and read an e-book. Anyway, I'm may not go back to writing my journal entries in list form. They were making my everyday journal habit a lot easier and also a lot less creative. Speaking of creative, I had quite a bit of time to draw and I just uploaded a new drawing to my dA account: That's all for today. P.S. Meditation Status: June 28 - 1 hour meditation in 2 half-hour sessions. June 29 - 2 hour meditation in 2 one-hour long sessions. Felt pretty good after the second one. Today - One very difficult 1 hour long sit that required a lot of mindfulness and willpower. My ego was pushed to its limits.

<06-27-16> I'm Leaving Town For An Internship Tomorrow I don't usually want to talk about my personal life aside from my goals and what I did for the day to try to get them. I don't want to talk about that today. Today, I just want to let you to know that I've taken a practicum college course that requires me to take an internship at a certain I.T. company. My chosen company just so happens to be in a different city from where I live. I'm leaving for the Cebu City, the city where the company is located, tomorrow and the company requires that take a qualifying exam on Wednesday. If I don't pass this exam, I cannot take an internship this year and I have to drop the course. I feel kind of nervous and slightly anxious but also quite calm and confident inside. Wish me luck.

@edavis79 Oh, well uh. . . . good for you, I guess.

<06-26-16> Dealing With Lack Of Results *This entry is simply going to be one big reference to Leo's latest video, "Be Fucking Patient!"* College Work I've been spending the majority of my waking hours for the past week, working on a web development school project. I may be a little bit frustrated that I may not finish on time. It's simply important that I don't give up and be patient. Even if I don't get to finish on time, at least I learned a lot from working on it, knowledge that I could still potentially use to benefit myself in the future. Entertainment Two Bob's Burgers Episodes and a Rick and Morty episode, yum yum. Plus, I'm going to play a flash game after writing this as desert. Indie Game Project I didn't work on this today but I still want to mention it. Leo's latest video made me think about my indie game a lot. It made me re-think a lot of my expectations about it, particularly with how long the project is going to take. When I tried to think and be strategic, I saw that this game is going to a lot more significant that I first imagined. Which means that I'm going to have to dedicate a lot more time and emotional labor to make the vision I have for this game come true. I can't even begin to describe in this journal just how much I think this game is going to impact my life. Drawing I drew some basic shapes and watched a few videos and carefully followed the instructions and tried to follow them accurately. I'll be honest, I would have never thought I would ever take drawing seriously on a "life purpose" level. I can't help but get the feeling that me starting my new drawing habit is very similar to when I first started meditating. That's because it probably is. Looking back when I first started meditation, I was terrible at it and I expected instant results. I remember the first time I meditated and I just wanted immediate relief from my emotional pains. Now I can't help but notice that as I'm drawing, I subconsciously want my drawing practice to have instant results which is just as unrealistic. If that's the case then the mindsets I've installed to keep myself on track on meditating may also work on drawing. I don't know but I'll give it a shot. I can't help but get the gut feeling that by doing this, I'm going to discover a whole new reality I've never even dreamed was possible. Just like, meditation. Reading Not Much Music/Sound Design Nothing Meditation and Awareness I wanted to meditate for 2 hours today but I only ended up having time for 1 hour. That's actually still pretty good, as long as I did it, it still counts. Just have to keep that grind and keep applying that good 'ol 'patience salve' to any 'impatience or frustration' that I have to keep myself on track.

<06-25-16> Too Much Work Again You may have noticed that I didn't write yesterday's journal entry. Yeah. . I plain forgot. . . whoops. . . It's okay, we all make mistakes. College Work Uuuggghh. . I feel like my eyes are going to fall off, I've been staring at the computer all day working on a certain college project. And damn, I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate trying to fix stubborn bugs that that take me hours to learn to fix. Bugs like those I actually encounter pretty rarely but when I do, I just feel frustration fill my soul. Anyway, I just recently fixed it but now I don't have time to work anymore so I need to go to bed. Entertainment Couldn't afford to spend even an hour of entertainment, my brain wanted me to work work work. Reading I uhhh. . . stared at a book page for half a minute, that's about it. Drawing Now this I actually regret, I didn't give myself time to draw. I feel like this should now become a daily habit. I know I just made a neurotic 'should' statement but not pursuing something you love because of work reasons is neurotic and I need to learn to solve it. Maybe Leo's last video (Awareness is Curative) will really help me here Music/Sound Design Nothing Meditation and Awareness I meditated for about 50 minutes today instead of the 60 minute goal. It's still a pretty good number though, I shouldn't feel bad. 20 minutes is already a good meditation habit for most people anyway. Oooh, Sunday tomorrow. Leo's going to upload a new episode. Whatsit goin' to be?

Here are a few documentaries I know of and like from YouTube: Pretty good thing to ask for in this forum, always appreciate seeing a hunger for knowledge and information in another person.

If he does read this, he's likely going to lock down this topic just like he did with a certain other similar thread a while back. It think he's right to do that though, threads like these are just pointless wastes of time. Each one of has a lot of work to do to self-actualize, but it's very easy to get sidetracked. This forum is supposed to be used for help in personal growth not ego games.

@Natasha Also, he mentions he earns six figures a year in the video he features in the FRONT PAGE of his site. Not to mention so many other benefits in life that @Linas seems completely ignorant of. He can ramble all he wants with his broken english but ultimately, he still has to face the reality that Leo gets amazing results and Linas doesn't. Pardon my language but. . . EVIDENCE, bitch!

OOoooOOh. . . planning.

@Gone Self-actualization is the most critically important value you need as a human being. You're going to need to get as much help as you can in this world. I can assure you that you can get more value from following the business Leo has from any other business, person, or other source of information anywhere else regardless of any intentions you think Leo has. Personally, I think you're just overreacting. Why do I think you're overreacting? Because nobody is forcing you to keep reading stuff in this forum. It's ultimately your choice to read and it's your choice to stop. Your main concern is that using this forum is not the same as actually self-actualizing but you act as if this place is a distraction from self-actualization. The way I see it, it's quite the opposite. This site is one of the things that keeping me reminded of personal growth. Out there, outside this forum, there are an innumerable ways the world can distract and trick you, and in very very subtle ways too. But that's a caricature, the world is a much more complex entity than my description. Ultimately, I believe it's just a matter of strategy. Keep watch of your own strategy in life, you might ended having an inferior strategy but think like you know what you're doing.

@JevinR Look deeper.

@rrodriguez11 It really depends on why you want to keep pleasing people. Most of the time, the decisions you make in social interactions seem to be rooted in the past, somehow. I say try to remain the present moment and also think about your past, as well. Who knows, you might find something that will help fix your problem.

<06-23-16> What Is This Phenomenon I Feel In My Body? College Work I spent more time learning about web development. I guess, I an also count it as a "Reading" activity as well because there was definetely a lot of that. Entertainment A few YouTube videos and a half hour reading webcomics, nothing too distracting. Oh, and maybe a couple of Bob's Burgers episodes I watched via torrent. . . okay okay. . .3 episodes. Reading Again, like I said, I basically had to read in order to learn about web development for the sake of my college education. I mean, it's not Uncovering Life or anything but it's something. Drawing I've been thinking that it's been a long time since I've done digital art. I messed around with the new Krita 3.0 (It's a drawing program, 3.0 is a new recent version). Anyway, I tried drawing something with my computer mouse and I ended up with this little guy. Say hello to Gaz. . . If you've been following my deviantArt page, you probably know Gaz from the few comic strips I've been drawing in my sketchbook for a while now. Speaking of which, I have a new comic uploaded today as well. Music/Sound Design Nothing Meditation and Awareness I felt somewhat weird just recently today. It's like I've gained a slightly higher awareness for the emotions going on in the body than I normally do. Because I've spent a majority of my early years desensitizing myself from strong emotions through highly emotionally arousing video games and have spent most of my recent years doing unexciting work, I've felt really really bland and dull emotionally for the past years. I actually felt different today though, it's like simply because of heightened awareness and my recent focus on discipline and meditation, I've felt the emotional trips subtly arise as I ate dinner today. It just felt so liberating from the emotional dullness I always feel like I'm trying to escape. It could be a fluke but I don't want it to be, I really want the way I experience life and emotions to change drastically as I keep approaching my self-actualization.

@dude Personally for me, I find that my best meditation comes from doing double the time I would normally do meditation. I would normally do 1 hour but for the past week, I've been trying to get myself to do two 1 hours meditation sessions per day and I've felt a significant increase in life satisfaction. Although, granted, I've also been removing a lot of unnecessary habits that I don't want anymore so I've been having more free time lately. As for meditation techniques, my favorite technique to raise awareness is very simple. I learned this from Rupert Spira. Just notice that experience is happening. That's it. Existence exists, don't try to comprehend it, don't try to understand or explain it, just notice that it's there.

@ZenBlue There's a very simple way to raise awareness. It's a technique I got from Rupert Spira. It's very simple, just notice that experience exists. No need to complicate things with any mind questions. Just notice that experience is present. That's it. I can't find the video where I learned it, though. But I find it still works, nonetheless.

@dude If you're going to have a lot of free time, I recommend you prioritize meditation and awareness as your most valued habit if you really want your time to feel well spent.

<06-22-16> My Life Is Precious I'm starting to feel like I need to take my life and new found life purpose a lot more seriously. A little more faith and I can get this new piece of my life in tact just like meditation. Before I kept having doubts about where the trajectory of my life should go, now that that's cleared up, I don't want to waste it. College Work Nothing Entertainment Quite moderate again, nothing too time-wasting. Indie Game Project Despite what I said about not working on the game for a month, I actually did work on my game today. Not only that, but I went overboard and overworked. . . again. It definitely was not a good idea. I'm happy to say, however, that tomorrow, I'll be back to my promise. I really need time to focus on other things in my life. I'm dedicated to finishing this project by more importantly, I need to live in the moment. Reading Didn't have the motivation to read today. Drawing I finished drawing another new comic of "Gaz the Ghastly Ghost" which I will upload to my deviantArt account tomorrow. I quite like the dialogue I wrote for the comic but I felt like I need to work more on my backgrounds. Anyway, I'll give a link to it tomorrow and you can judge it for yourself. Music/Sound Design Nothing Meditation and Awareness Because I overworked today, I actually spent most of the day feeling unconscious. Fortunately and quite ironically, I was aware of just how unaware I was all day. This is very different from how I was months ago where I'd just be unaware with no idea I was unaware. I only had time to meditate for 1 hour today instead of the 2 hours I've been doing since 4 days ago. Because I'll be going back to my game hiatus tomorrow, I'll likely spend 2 hours of meditation again and hopefully more time with awareness. I feel that is very important for me to feel good for the day. Right now, I don't feel good, I just feel dull and too tired to enjoy anything. Anyway, that's all for today. Stay aware and thanks for reading.

@MarkusR True, enlightenment could still be decades away, but man, I'm already feeling some really cool benefits from meditation. I've been getting really into focusing on awareness and breaking distinction between "favorable" and "unfavorable" things lately. As for my indie game, it's the largest project I've worked on in my life, so far. Thanks a lot for supporting me! It means a lot!

<06-21-16> New Life Purpose Trajectory? “Miss one day of practice, I notice; miss two, the critics notice; miss three, the audience notices” -Franz Liszt "Miss one day of journaling, I notice; I miss two, the. . . what? the audience has already noticed? well crap" -Me I don't feel like what I did today was very significant. Yesterday, I decided to refrain from using my laptop on about 4:30pm yesterday after spending way too much just enjoying myself with random stuff I stumble upon on the internet and mostly deviantArt. (If you're wondering how could I possibly spent a lot of time on deviantArt, that site has literary as well as visual content you know. . .). Basically, the experience after that gave me a lot of time to think and be aware. I decided to meditate for my first hour of sitting in my room without using my laptop. Then I lay down on my bed for a while not knowing what to do next. My mind wandered into my life purpose. I remember making an entry in this very journal a while back claiming that I have analyzed my way to figuring out my life purpose. Long story short, I concluded that I should work on games, drawing but mostly on music as my life purpose. No, that's still not it, that was not my life purpose. I can't possibly have multiple life purposes as well, that just doesn't seem right. I need to find my core. Only then can I find true focus. To be honest, I got really tired at focusing on multiple hobbies at once. Yes it's actually common to have multiple projects at the same time. Right now I have an indie game as a main goal but I draw comics on my sketchbook at the side and I occasionally help people on the GameJolt forums. But ultimately, I feel like I need a main goal, a "center" on which to converge to (or 'diverge'? I'm not sure of the meanings of those words). Chasing what I DO in life versus what I FEEL does not make feel joy for the future. I decided to lie in bed and REALLY try to figure out what I'm authentically passionate about. I've done and sampled all these stuff in the past year, Game Development, Music Production, Drawing. NONE of them seem like they target the core of who I am. As I lay in bed, I decided to try to think of how all these different influences in my life have affected me emotionally and shaped me in the past. I decided to re-access my childhood memories and try to imagine what kind of life goal would be actually worth pursuing. Music - nope. When I labeled it as my main life purpose in the last entry where I talk about life purpose, I was still highly influenced by ego and my awareness was still to low to avoid overworking and do some real introspection work Games - nope. I find the majority of the games industry to be one big blob of unconscious behavior and I really can't help but think about my own game ideas also being influenced by this problem of unconsciousness. If I pursue game development as a main goal, I will surely regret it. Drawing - nope. I just am not interested enough to master the skill of drawing just for the sake of it. BUT YET, I still enjoy doing my creative hobbies and find meaning in some aspects of them. Something is definitely up here. Maybe something "hidden underneath"? Funny thing, after thinking about it in bed for about 10 minutes, my mind literally exclaimed "I don't know! Maybe that's it? Maybe that IS the answer I've been looking for "I don't know!". I just do creative hobbies for the sake of it and the thrill of having no idea of where it will take me. I don't know. . . maybe that has been my life purpose all along?!!!" This is complete nonsense of course. It turned out to be pure monkey mind garbage. I decided to continue lying in bed some more. I held a pillow over my eyes as if to shut out the outside world. I needed to think about my life more holistically. What is it I'm actually authentically obsessed about in life? Then a word wondered into my mind that hit me. Cartoonist Cartoonist I, a Cartoonist?!! Doesn't have a bad ring to it. . . I've loved cartoons ever since I was a kid and I've never been obsessed about them than I've ever been today! CARTOONS HAVE BEEN STARING ME AT THE FACE THIS WHOLE TIME. A lot of my favorite video games of all time have western cartoon influences. I spent a lot of my time as a kid enjoying cartoons on TV. I've already even begun drawing cartoons of my own that I'm only beginning to really take seriously. Even the art style of my current indie game has its roots on western-cartoon inspired video game, Crash Bandicoot. MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY and thought process is pretty influenced by cartoon themes. People don't know (and even I didn't realize this for myself at the time) that the way I act and I talk and even talk to myself in my head is very influenced by cartoon behavior. In short, I sometimes act in a very silly way and its been influenced by my love for cartoon fiction. It's what has kept me different from the common folk. It's my childhood roots. It's the one and only remaining source of joy and opportunistic view of the world that is slowly under attack from the anxieties and distractions of modern society. Now I found it. My center or my core, I'm sure of it this time. There are a lot of lessons from Leo that I have used to be able to reach this realization and I feel I'm going to be using a lot more to fulfill it. Now that I have my life purpose realized I can use it as a means to attract where my effort goes into. I must minimize working on too many things at once and focus aiming at my core. I still feel worried and I still feel doubtful but I recognize these feelings as part of the progress. Sleep tight and be well. Buh-bye! P.S. I want to draw the distinction between Drawing, Animation, and Cartoons. These three are very different things. One of the reasons why it took me so long to realize my life purpose was because I didn't make the distinction between Drawing, Animation, and Cartoons. I was terribly scared and still am of Drawing and Animation and because I thought that they were synonymous with Cartoons when in fact they weren't. This literally means that I can still work on games or music as long as I remember my core "Cartoon" life purpose. As long as it has influences on the shows and comics I love then, it's still a project that's worth working on for me. My current indie game is very influenced by slapstick cartoons, for example. Not to mention I have "Gaz the Ghastly Ghost", a comic I have been sketching on my sketchbook for the past month with a very cartooney art style. That's all for now, this was another very long post from me and I thank you for reading it. Much love if you made it this far.

@Anna Konstantaki Nope, I unconsciously wasted 4+ hours yesterday browsing deviantArt (Not joking). So I decided to spend the rest of the day with my laptop off to balance things out. I even told myself I wouldn't make the journal entry for the day. I'm back now though. To be honest, I'm really surprised someone noticed. Like, I know that you may also be checking out my journal, but still, I didn't expect even you to notice.

<06-19-16> Father's Day 2016 College Work I'm uhhh. . . working on some web development stuff. I guess that counts for something. Entertainment I watched quite a lot of short videos ranging from 3 to 5 minutes. Mostly Gravity Falls-related. I guess, YouTube's recommendation algorithms are just doing their job Reading Continued reading Robert Greene's "33 Strategies of War". It is a MASSIVE book. It's the largest book I have. I have feeling I'm going to be mentioning reading it for a very long time Drawing Today I uploaded the comic I finished yesterday to my deviantArt page. You can check my art out if you want to. Just know that I'm still . . . well let's say. . . "learning". I also drew a "Happy Father's Day" message on one of my sketchbook pages to show my dad today. My mom also cooked this lovely meal for lunch to celebrate the occasion. Music/Sound Design I'm continued my collaboration work with some guy on GameJolt. All he wants from me are a few sound effects. Making sound effects, for me, is pretty easy but also quite fun. Producing music, though, is a completely different challenge I find. Good thing, my only job was to make some SFX. Meditation and Awareness I spent 2 hours today in meditation, again. Leo's new video seems to be a theme that has been running in my day since I doubled my meditation time since yesterday. Before, I used to neurotically try to take "control" of my life in order to change a lot of things in my life, with this new way of living, however, I feel a large portion of my stress and anxiety just melt away! Or maybe it's just the fact that I have not worked that much recently. Probably both.

@Anna Konstantaki The website author's book "Refuting The External World" also seems interesting. You can check that out too.

@Anna Konstantaki How's your no videos challenge going? Personally for me, I just started meditating more. Yesterday, I meditated for 2 hours (Not consecutively, it was two 1 hour sessions.) And I pretty much let myself spend as much time on entertainment as my emotional self wanted to. I actually felt better inside than the times when I gave myself a "no ______ challenge". But then again, people can be very different from each other. For example, I believe workaholism is a bigger issue in my life than entertainment time so maybe what works for me may not always work for you.

Judgement is stupid. Don't do it. Only stupid people do it. (This is just a dumb sarcastic joke for laughs. I have nothing else to say, carry on. . .)