flowboy

Just met the first person who intuitively thinks the same about determinism as a way out of regret and into freedom. What is it called when people think so much alike, they could have been brain twins? Talking to him, I feel like my way of thinking is not weird, not something to be adapted, but amazing, unique and valuable. I finally feel validated in being completely myself, not having to change one little thing to be more palatable, more relatable, more understood. I want to remember and maintain this frame and way of being, for when I am with my girl. I gotta value myself and my uniqueness

Backlash I drank coffee 2 days in a row and went quite insane. I have been pretending to work for 3 days, saying yes and amen to colleagues, lying about being at work while actually reading this forum, instagram and other things in an insane manner. Not out of interest, but just to escape. Now there's pressure on me to complete 3 days of work within a few hours, or my lie will become obvious. Also I overspent my money on food, overate sugar and unhealthy stuff, jerked off to porn. Until enjoyment became sheer panic. Putting more pressure on myself, which doesn't work. Drinking caffeine, increasing stress and anxiety, which doesn't help. Why am I not able to stop it? Actually, I am: I just don't want to. On some level, I would rather have this temporary insanity because it lets me be free to do unimportant things. I even crave sex with girls I'm not attracted to! Just because I crave for 'what I do' to not matter so much. My ego wants me to be a good worker, it creates pressure but then it also hates that pressure and will bend many rules to escape it. Why is it not enough that I let myself do these things one day a week? I truly feel like a drug addict. I hate the feeling of being caffeinated, but still I go really out of my way to go buy a cup. Like a self-sabotaging robot. I should create some sort of pattern interrupt sequence for myself, because this is a recurring problem which impacts my happiness and self esteem. The dopamine monkey gets to take over the wheel, because the disciplined monk is not able to produce satisfaction. I suspect this is directly related to how big my list of things to do is. The bigger, the more unrealistic, the less worthwhile it seems to even start. So I could have prevented this by trimming it down on time. I even feel like smoking tobacco now, and if I had it I probably would. But I won't really go to buy or ask for it, I don't want to fall that low. Edit: I'm so out of my mind that I lost the ability to understand and read carefully. Or make rational choices. I'm trying to put on a rational face towards my colleague, trying to evaluate and comment on his work. APPARENTLY I'M STILL SAYING SMART THINGS even though I feel like I have no clue what's going on. I drank so much caffeine and put so much pressure that I fucked myself out of clear reasoning ability. Panic blocks understanding. I need to commit to a permanent way to handle this. This is just not cute anymore. It's also not cool and immoral to disappoint colleagues and stick them with all the work that I did not deliver on. Also, if I can't handle this tiny amount of pressure, how am I going to handle the pressures of being an entrepreneur? I have to implement a habit of regularly trimming my stack of to-do items. Just like clipping my fingernails. Also, I have to remember that coffee doesn't make me productive, it just makes me panic and hate myself.

@Alfonsoo You need to look for a painful problem that real people have, that you can solve. Maybe with cooking skills, maybe with other skills. Starting with what you like is a selfish approach to business, and therefore it seldom works.

@Preety_India Fascinating. Thank you for elaborating on your story for me. It's beautiful and I learnt a lot.

@Preety_India I understand, and congratulations on that introspection about living out your mom's dream. Isn't it fascinating how as children we make vows based on impressions from elders, and those determine our lives until we become conscious of the pattern. I understand now that by romantic you mean the kind of guy that will overload a girl with fake compliments and attention from the get-go. That's a telltale sign of a narcissist, and actually it is known in the pickup community that that kind of game only works on vulnerable women with very low self-esteem, or otherwise have emotional problems, so it is not recommended. Women (and men) with reasonable to high self esteem will be very skeptical and distrusting with such unearned over the top flattery. They will wonder what you are selling. That's not to say that your self esteem is so low that it attracted these people. You apparently were also conditioned to like this sort of behaviour by your mother. Could have been a combination. You know better than I, I'm just hypothesising because I find it interesting. What saddens me though, is that you make the leap from "not overloading with flattery like a typical narcissist" to "not initially attractive". That sounds like an unnecessary sacrifice. I'm initially attractive. But maybe not to people who really like over-the-top flattery. My point I guess, is that you and many others are prone to liking this behavior, but many other women actually find it suspicious and not at all attractive. And rightfully so. They are more attracted to confidence, humor and authenticity. It seems like a more beneficial emotional configuration. Do you think this can be learnt? I hope so. I want to live in a world where people can be initially attracted to their right partner

@Preety_India I hate to be harsh, but this is actually how you attract more of the same (more people with these flaws will come into your life, your partner will display more of these flaws). Because you are thinking about it. See also what @mandyjw wrote. So if you're looking for an explanation of why these types of men keep showing up in your life: part of that reason will be that you haven't fully processed your trauma and therefore are a beacon that attracts more of the same. I know this from personal experience. I used to attract bullies and being bullied and being challenged into fights, wherever I went. For a long time I could not understand why this kept showing up for me. Until I learnt that because I still had pain and unforgiven hurt, it was still part of my energy pattern. It still occupied part of my thoughts. That attracted more people prone to playing out the same pattern with me. I was still putting energy into avoiding bullying. That caused me to basically beam "BULLY ME PLEASE" into the universe. That caught the attention of all the people who were prone to the opposite role of that pattern. Similarly, people who have been abused by their partner and haven't fully processed it (meaning forgiveness has taken place and no thought energy is spent on it anymore), become a beacon that screams "ABUSE ME PLEASE", like neon letters above their head. Once you complete whatever therapy form you choose, you will really be surprised at the amount of righteous men that suddenly appear in your reality! Of course you may still have the same partner by then. But it will still be nice to see that around you, know they exist and that the world is not as dark as it once seemed. I really want that for you

@Preety_India I would consider myself a reasonably romantic man. I do shit like pluck a wild flower and bring it to her, compose a well thought-out fruit basket and bring it to her when she's feeling under the weather, come up with creative date ideas, bring surprise picnic baskets to park dates. I say really sweet things when I actually feel them. That way they don't come off too cheesy. I like to hold hands. I don't constantly do things like this, but when I do, it is out of a spontaneous inspiration to do something nice and loving. Not to get some reaction out of her. (Of course I hope she will like it, but mostly I like to do it) I don't spend much time thinking about what romantic actually means, so maybe you mean different things. But my point is: I don't do any of the things on your list there. And I bet there are many like me. I'm not that special.

Oh and I recommend not hitting a girl on any date

I think it's good, and I would be interested in doing it this way some more. However, having it as a rigid plan of attack is not necessary once you learn to feel into when the girl wants to be kissed. When I used to be too nervous on dates to feel into anything, I would just force myself to do it, always. Because it would lead to more learning - and statistically to more success. Because there's many dates where the girls want you to make a move, and if you pussy out, they get disappointed and lose interest. And in the cases where they are not ready - at least you communicated intent, and that you have the balls to make a move. A rejected kiss doesn't put you out of the game: if you handle it well, you can just try again 5 minutes later with a high success rate. So I'd say that when you're too nervous to properly feel into the situation, or you need to sharpen your calibration with experience, it's better to just go for it always. You lose more if you don't. And if you do and it goes wrong, you still communicated that you would escalate, which is important. What the driving instructor is describing only works because his body language and vibe subcommunicates that he would have the balls to kiss and escalate, without having to do it. It's kind of like how people who get a black belt just walk more confidently, they subcommunicate that they can handle themselves, and as a result they won't get challenged and be required to demonstrate it often. So when you feel in yourself that you're radiating that level of masculine intent, you don't need to robotically go for the kiss anymore, and can actually play with that tension and tease the girl with it, even. (this is playing with fire though) My most recent first dates went sort of like this, I'd say. I was just over for a cup of tea. I knew she could feel my masculine polarity and intent. But there was not enough time, so we just chatted and hugged. Then she arranged a second date and I could sense when she was craving the kiss. So then we could take our time for it.

I am enjoying what he says - there's something profoundly creepy about the worshipping way those women look at him, though

@Leo Gura I understand... I just hope you'll leave the existing videos as-is. From my biased perspective, the initial style was great because the in-your-face style and F-bombs are: what shook me up and prompted me to pay attention what made you relatable, because my own default communication style is also direct and into-people's-faces what made me trust you

Beautiful. Lots to contemplate there. Thank you.

@Origins Thank you for taking the time to write that. I found it inspiring and clarifying.

@Leo Gura Yikes, that's a wake-up call. I assumed that all my self-esteem issues were gone. Guess not! I'm with you. What kind of work do you suggest I do to fix this? I'm already doing with my life what I should, pursuing my vision, which is pretty detailed and I read every day. I suppose I'm proud of where I'm going but slightly ashamed of where I am.

@Preety_India Thank you for your responses. It does help. I'm still planning to feel it out a bit, just going a bit at a time. If and when it feels right, I will try your exercise and let you know how it went.

Interesting. Why am I so eager to go into that? I'm not, really, I'm just guessing that maybe I should. She has such an amazing list of accomplishments to her name that I feel shame and unworthiness about being a 'late bloomer'. When I'm with my friends, I am not judging myself for my messy past (anymore), and both me and them are proud of what I have become. When I'm with her, it's like we both talk about positive stuff, present the sunny side of everything, have sex, and eat food, and it doesn't feel as intimate as I remember things being from my past relationships. Those past relationships were full of codependence and neediness, though. So this could just be me not being used to a different kind of relationship. I certainly don't want her to be my therapist. But I think I should feel free to share with her what I'm thinking, even if it is about an insecurity I currently have. I just don't need her to resolve it for me. But the being free to share whatever is on our minds with no filter is important to me. Should you, in a healthy relationship? I'm in doubt now.

We did set the intention to take acid together when we have time, so guess that won't hurt

Emotional Connection or lack thereof The girl I'm seeing I think is totally awesome, and I'm pretty sure she likes me a lot too. I had already decided in my mind that if I were to take 'the next step' with someone, she would be the one. Meaning, committing to a relationship. But there's something missing. I think it is a certain level of vulnerability, knowing and loving the human sides of each other. If I ask myself: why do I want it to be a 'real' relationship, the answer is that I am longing for a deep level of intimacy, where the other person knows all your flaws and insecurities and weird corners of your mind. Probably a big part of that is because I haven't been sharing in a truly vulnerable way. I have talked to her about my past insecurities, but presented it in a way where everything is awesome now. Yes, I used to have depression, yes I used to have ADD, yes I used to be aimless in life, but everything is awesome now, I know where I'm going and nothing is wrong. Way to put up a shield. I did this because I'm intimidated by her accomplishments, and don't want her to see me as 'beneath her level'. Wow. And she does the same thing around me, too, for example when she discusses the recent death of her friend, but she's not comfortable being sad around me. So this pattern is mirroring itself in both of us, and if we want true intimacy, we have to break that pattern. Because I want to be able to see through her, in her vulnerability, and hold space and hug her. Just not in a codependent way where you need each other. Alright. Guess we have something to talk about

Remember A Success Two years ago I was dating a girl who never had had an orgasm during sex. Then, on a day that happened to be her birthday, I licked her until she came! She barely even knew what had happened. That was a success. Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for having great friends to talk to when I feel anxious If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. I did important mindset work - creating a new identity and defining my 2021 goals. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I honored my commitment to excellence by getting up on time even though I felt wrecked, going to the gym and doing a full workout even though I felt wrecked, and after coming back, sitting down at my desk to complete my work, instead of procrastinating it because I felt wrecked. Daily Reflection Question: What am I avoiding? I'm avoiding the pile of dishes, the pile of packaging material and my huge list of not-that-important things to do.

I honored my commitment to excellence today by getting up at 6 and going for the same run, taking the same ice cold shower, as I do every day - DESPITE being hung over and sleep deprived from a slightly self-destructive drinking binge yesterday. Good job Flowboy

I'm worried that the girl I'm dating doesn't want anything serious. She treats me a little too much like a fuckbuddy. She compliments my physical attractiveness a lot, which is nice, and she says I'm "interesting" and awesome, but she doesn't straight up say that she likes me. Perhaps that's just her way of it, but I feel like a piece of meat. Also she just did something which I find incredibly rude - she cancelled on me and then did not reply afterwards. She asked "Can we meet next weekend instead?", which is fine, but then I said: "Sure, when exactly?" and she ignored that. For 28 hours now. When I think of the situation where I do that to people, and how important they are to me, I get a bad feeling. Or she's just really overwhelmed. Still, I should have standards and protect my boundaries here. But I know better than to angry-text. So I guess I have to just wait until the damn weekend when she starts wondering when she'll see me. But to wait all that time, being pissed off and not saying anything, how pathetic is that? Ugh. I don't know how to handle this. She's being lovely otherwise: brings me cake she bakes, puts on really nice underwear, wears nice clothes for me, initiates sex, and then offers to leave because I was tired and need sleep. I did something really nice for her when she was a bit ill. I brought her a literal fruit basket. Which she told me over and over how she appreciated that. Still, I wonder whether that shifted the power balance and made her take me for granted just a tad. I actually want to stop playing games and being casual, and just be together as girlfriend and boyfriend. It's not going to be much different except for the commitment part, which I do want at this point. But how low would my self respect be if I were to propose that after she treats me like this? Aargh. I'm too worried about what her reaction is. Does my happiness depend on her? No. But she is the only girl I'm dating currently, definitely the only one I deem to be girlfriend-worthy, and the most quality personality-wise I've been with probably ever. But you know what, if she can't treat me right, she ain't all that. How do I always end up being the girl in these things? ?

First 10 Days of 90 day challenge are going great The blue columns are my focus for this period. Before, I did quite terrible at them and felt unhappy as a result. Now, I'm doing well and as a result I feel happy. I had the most productive 3 work days since a while. Contributing factors: I started running in the morning again. I should never have stopped. It's the best start of the day really. I take my entire shower cold now I stick to the times on my schedule and as a result I sleep better and feel better about how I spend my day I don't look up anything non-work related during work, and as a result I am more productive than ever and feel very satisfied with my performance I haven't ejaculated in 10 days, and as a result I feel energetic and positive I clean up my desk, kitchen sink and other stuff daily so that everything looks neat and I feel mentally clear I share the habit tracking sheet with a friend now, and the competitive element makes it easier to adhere

Remember A Success When I signed up for Toastmasters and worked for days to create my first speech. I did it and it was one of the best first speeches they had ever heard! I felt so good, I felt that I had found that I was talented. Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for the autumn sun today. It gave me a huge mood boost. I'm also grateful for the great work flow today. I feel like I just want to keep working because it's so much fun! This feeling used to be exclusive to heavily caffeinated days. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? Yes. I had fun. Refactoring is fun and satisfying. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I honored my commitment to excellence by getting up on time. Starting work on time. Starting this journal break on time. I also was excellent by finishing up something my colleagues needed as soon as I could, without adding everything that I wanted but could do later. I also honored my commitment to excellence by taking every opportunity to help a colleague today.

The Mindset module in Consulting Accelerator is - very deep stuff. Contains a lot of what I think is shadow work. And I'm frustrated that it takes so long. Or that I am taking so long. I'm not sure which one it is. I've already done so much dream writing and vision work. Now there is even more of that stuff to complete. And I will, because I am committed to completing the course well. But man, I just want to start making money. I worry about money daily. Or not really worry, because worrying is thinking about something bad that might happen in the future. It's more like being impatient: "It's November 2020 already and I still don't even have 10K in the bank. I'm 28 and still have to cut things from my groceries list to save money." Thoughts like that. And I know this isn't the "abundance mindset" or whatever. But hey I had an abundance mindset before, and you know what it got me? An empty savings account because I overspent every day!

Remember A Success We have a customer who has irrational fears about us using certain modern tools that we need (front-end frameworks), and so we were creating a big mess, but I stood my ground in several meetings, explained the arguments pro and got them to budge! So now we can use it, thanks to me. Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for my coworkers believing in me. I'm grateful to be in a position where people value my ideas, not just my grunt work. If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today? No. How did I honor my commitment to excellence today? I honored my commitment to excellence by accepting the responsibility over the project and multiple people, did my best to delegate tasks and not get distracted by the pressure. Feeling stressed out and angry today because the landlord is sending us emails that we are behind in rent, but their calculations are clearly wrong. I'm mostly stressed because I switched banks and don't have transaction records from before this year. So I'm not sure I can prove everything. Also I just hate to be in a powerless position like this. This 500 a month is a lot for me and I don't have money or insurance for litigation. Basically I am defenceless and dependent on the landlord being reasonable and benevolent. It's things like this that make me think: man, I can't fucking wait until I'm rich.