flowboy

"Weinig op aan te merken" So driving went a-mazing. Somehow I was super relaxed and could think faster today. My instructor thinks it is because I am looking further ahead and alternating that with looking close by. I think it is because I drove super slow last time, and walking through things super slow is how I learn to do it fast. I really need that. Because every thing has so many nuances in my mind, I need to respect that and take my time. If I try to force myself to do things fast, I just build stressful knots into the activity that will activate every next time I do it.

Overworked Hello, third stage of burnout. Gotta be careful now. I'm recognising the signs: Hard to think clearly, tired mind Tasks seem insurmountable Anger Fantasies of quitting job just to make a point I feel like a wide hole has been drilled inside my skull, where both my eyes used to be. It's like I don't properly see the world. I want to scream at everybody but I also kind of wanna cry Constantly away in thought, not because I'm distracted, but because I'm tired I just hate having a job period. My job is a great one, but it's still a job, where I have to compromise on what is good and wise because of other people's foolishness. I think when it's time to hire employees, I'll be an insufferable perfectionist boss, like Steve Jobs. The kind of boss that everyone is kind of scared of. I'm extremely detail oriented and unwilling to compromise on principles, compared to most people, so that fits nicely. I can already see it. I look forward to it. Dark thoughts creeping in Feeling worn out around the eyes So this has not to do with caffeine withdrawal, I can tell because I still understand everything, it's just more exhausting to. Also this is not an ADD thing. That feels different. I just really need a recovery day. I went to the store to solve a problem with containers. I did not solve the problem, because I could not decide. Got myself some fresh orange juice and dark chocolate, to cheer myself up. Didn't even eat more than two pieces, so I still get diet points for today! Look at me, being disciplined but flexible. I wanted to get several beers. This is the kind of stress that makes me crave alcohol.

Public Holiday! Nobody works! Other people are probably enjoying the hot sunny weather right now. What did I do? That's right. Follow the schedule. Work on my video script for 7:45 hours. It's too hot to properly concentrate. I don't feel like doing this work. My eyes are feeling weird. But I am. Doing it. No distractions. No FOMO. It feels awesome. You have to take enjoyment in the fact that no one else will want to be in your place right now - David Goggins I didn't feel like doing it. I still, after 8 hours don't feel like continuing. But that makes no difference to me. I am the master of my mind and my body.

Managed to work on the sales video for 8 hours today! AND take a much needed powernap, which costs me 50min at minimum, AND take a covidtest AND do all of the dishes. I'd say this was a good day. My mind is not as sharp with this crazy energy as yesterday and the day before - could be weather related. But still, I'm functioning quite well and pushing straight through any resistance, penetrating into a flow state through sheer force of will. As a habit.

It's so nice to work on one thing for an entire day, and nothing else! Definitely keeping this practice of reserving entire days for deep work, and not letting a little one-off here and there creep in. I actually made progress on a big project. Perhaps only 20%, but that's still much more satisfying than tending to random admin things. Also, all the little things that come up / have to be done, I move them to a dedicated day. So that I have taken a breath and when the day is there, I can still have the right amount of distance to it to be able to purge / cancel some unimportant stuff.

LOW CArB DIET

State Save Man am I on fire. I just smashed through a challenging accounting session in record time. I had a long backlog of transactions to deal with (something that would have caused me anxiety and procrastination on many other days), AND there were two extra hurdles with it: I closed several accounts and didn't know how to administrate that, and also an expense which is part business part private. Didn't know how to do that either, but I just improvised both and blasted through it. What I'm noticing Super fast decision making Super fast prioritization: I'm able to skip over and let go of less important things, and picking out the essentials in record time. This is unprecedented. No procrastination No breaks or sidetracks No anxiety even though this was a super daunting task Brain running on 100%, like on coffee but better A noticable sense of motivation and drive, incited by this challenge. So: something daunting and tedious is actually motivating me to blast through it and complete it quickly! WHAT. That's new I have all the energy in the world I was on my feet all day, cleaning, cooking, and also doing admin stuff, and I did not get the usual tiredness, where it feels like I have to sit down, and my back and shoulders start to hurt. Sometimes I could not even finish the dishes in one sitting. None of that today. Were all of those things caused by caffeine? Inputs Let's see which factors could have contributed microdosed 1g of psilocybin truffles today. Effects already gone, but may be experiencing after effects. Have been microdosing for over a week. Inboxes are all clean I cleaned up all lingering projects some days ago. So, what I'm working on this week is the total of everything that has to be done. There's no vague sense of many things I also have to do after, in some nonexistent parallel never-get-to-it world. That's new. I do suspect it contributes a lot to how energetic I feel. But I can't be sure. I cleaned up several boxes that were in my daily walking path. I put the contents in my new closet, and that side of my place looks more spacious and clean now. I just like it better to look there now. Perhaps that is also adding to my energy. I have been working out every day. Today was a stiff workout including many burpees. I have been on a dopamine fast for the past week - hardly watching any videos, not checking notifications until 7PM I have been eating super clean for the past 11 days: no caffeine, no wheat, no sugar, no dairy, basically only my vegetable soup and eggs. Today I ate a steak and eggs for breakfast. Perhaps I was missing that This is day 5 of not ejaculating. But it feels like day 17 I have been sticking to my no-distractions-during-work policy quite well, so no guilty emotional drama taking up my energy there I have been sticking to my daily schedule quite well My new todo system (in Notion instead of OneNote) is a lot less work and more fun I feel loved and am extremely happy in my relationship I should really pick out the posts like this (whenever I had an exceptionally good day like this I made a post), and compare them all to see what I can learn. Ironically, today I ordered some state-of-the-art nootropics from America. For driving. And on the day that I order those, I feel like I already took a limitless pill? Wait... is that how the placebo effect works? It just kicks in before the package has even arrived?

This is a stiff fucking microdose. I'm cutting this down a bit. Phew. Meal Prep It's still two days to go, but it looks like... I may have successfully prepared dinner and lunch for myself for an entire week, using one cooking session with one 10 liter pan! Super happy with my pea soup. I've been eating the same thing for two weeks now and I look forward to it every day. Lot of farts though. That's why I'm thinking peas might not digest optimally, it feels like they get a bit stuck. Going to try lentils too. It opens up possibilities... I could also fill my 10L pan with my delicious curry and eat that for a week! I think I'll do that next Saturday. Cook once a week, eat something different every week instead of every day... I'm liking it. I don't know how humans fell into this terribly inefficient pattern of creating something different to eat from scratch every day. It's almost deliberately insane. At least for entrepreneurs living alone, who want to make the most use out of their time, it doesn't make any freaking sense. Also, the complexity of finding out what's healthy and what's not for every different recipe/combination is just too high to repeat every day, if you want to work for 12-13 hours. Also, the idea of a "varied diet" being imperative, and translating that into cooking with different ingredients every day, it's a myth and a scam... don't even get me started on that. Ok, I'll start a little bit. Varying your diet is a good idea if you have no idea what you are doing. Eat a whole bunch of different things and there will be some good stuff in there that agrees with you. It's like diversifying an investment portfolio. A good idea if you are clueless and don't trust your own judgment. Better get some of everything! A terrible idea if you actually know your stuff. Why do you think that hedge funds never have more than 3-5 big active trades? That's right. They know what they are doing. Same with the body. If you find a food type that really agrees with you, just eat that, and a couple other things that work optimally and burn clean. Don't switch it up with all sorts of weird stuff for no reason. The body can make everything it needs from what you eat, if it's reasonably healthy. Rant over. Edit: Rant not over. Of course eating the same thing for 6 months is not optimal. That's why some vegans run into trouble. Or vegetarians who forget to eat eggs. There are some things you need every once in a while. But really, every once in awhile is enough. Eat a bit of organ meat and a fatty fish or bit of chicken once a month, or once every two months, and you're good. Some nuts. All extremes end in tears.

Microdosing is like running your own software with a debugger. You can still go about your day and get stuff done, but you're able to inspect and fix your own thought patterns along the way. 3d day of yet another coffee detox, and so the choice was between being sleepy and dumb all day and taking something. took 1.016g of psilocybin truffle and 500mg rhodiola and 1.5g Astragalus. Really liking the result. It's a lot like the benefits of coffee without the drawbacks. Had a 4 hour creative work session where I brainstormed my presentation and reverse engineered some good examples. Going to create an awesome fucking pitch. I can feel it. Also my movements (typing) are faster and well coordinated. It seems to me that it's easier to get stuff done on psilocybin than on 1P-LSD when it comes to microdosing. Gonna test microdosing psilocybin for driving, too. Also, my friend found a driving school that specializes in people who learn a bit slower for whatever reason. They say that it's very common for people who are cognitively very high-functioning, to learn driving a lot slower, because they learn by using their analytical mind and remembering all sorts of rules. And more simple-minded people drive without thinking about it and learn really quickly that way. Their words, not mine. But it's good news. I'm going to see if they offer a 10 day intensive course where I can drive every day. I think that would be so much more efficient for learning. It's always too long ago when I get into a car after a week of break. MAN I'm typing fast. Gotta remember this combination.

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING DISORDER I could fucking cry right now. My driving instructor is at the end of his wits, because he's taught me everything already, I can do everything but it still takes me too long to think about things in traffic. He wants me to take neurotoxic chemicals again so I will pass the exam. I AM NOT FUCKING MENTALLY DISABLED. I AM NOT STUPID. I resent the world for treating me that way. And I am also at my wits end. I don't know what to do when I eat super healthy and still have brain fog. No wonder I self-medicate with caffeine. Which is also toxic. I'm so done with the outside world persuading me to poison myself.

She couldn't tell you directly because she supposedly cared about not hurting your feelings, so instead she sprinkled little hints around, so that your confidence would be systematically destroyed over a longer time? Does this make any sense? There is even a name for this pattern, it's called the poison drip. You can look it up. I'm not saying you were naive and should have known, of course not. I'm also not saying she is evil and did this on purpose. But you are still making excuses for her clearly very toxic behavior. She did something to you that, in the flipped around case, you wouldn't do to her, right? You're still under her spell a bit. The trap closed when she started giving you the message "not good enough in bed, and I might leave you for another because of that", and you took the bait and decided you were going to accept this challenge to match up to her standards. Right there is where you can recognize the toxic element: having an open conversation about sexual needs is fine, threatening to leave you over it and pushing you to feel competitive over her with this other male, is NOT fine. Make no mistake, chicks do this on purpose all the time. Make men compete over them because they enjoy it and it covers up the hole in their own self esteem. But it's narcissistic behavior. Your current girlfriend is now dealing with a boyfriend who is obsessed with making her orgasm, making her feel pressured and less likely to orgasm, because of how your ex emotionally abused you. My point is not that you are doing anything wrong, believe me I have been there and I can see that you are just trying to do right. I think it is not healthy for you to make excuses for her anymore. I think it would be healthier to fully appreciate how unkind, selfish and manipulative she was to you, and really allow yourself to be angry. Anger is a cleansing, healing emotion that is necessary and must be fully felt. Then, some days or weeks later, forgive her.(of course, do not communicate with your actual ex. Just talking about your emotional process here) Right now you're having a hint of stockholm syndrome. ?

@integral Oh my god. I'm sorry this happened to you. This woman was very toxic to you and clearly messed with your head. She shouldn't have exposed you at all to those texts by him, just blocked it out and forget about it! Instead she took it as an opportunity to mess with your confidence, apparently. Successfully. Because that is the easiest way to make a man insecure, to talk about guys who supposedly fucked her so much better I can't even begin to understand the sadism and unconsciousness in this person. You definitely should have broken up with her sooner. And also, even though it has motivated you to learn some new moves and learn to use toys, which is nice, I think it's indeed time to re-think your entire interpretation of that situation. I so can understand and feel this, too... He "gets her" in the end... And then you build the whole story in your mind, of what to do so this never happens again... But what does he get? An unconscious woman with toxic and manipulative tendencies who likes to emotionally castrate the men she's with. What a prize! It's only a matter of time before she'll start to work on his confidence, too, trying to bring him down to her level, and telling him about how much better you fucked her, or how much bigger your dick is, or how she liked something better about you and you're RIGHT around the corner. That's how people like that function. They help raise somebody's confidence, then draw them in, then once they have them, switch tactics and bring the person down, destroying their confidence. Emotional vampirism. The equivalent would be if you would be in bed with your woman, scrolling on your phone through pictures of your exes, showing HER how hot they are, telling her about how much more physically attractive you find them, and even showing/telling you that they are still messaging you and interested in you! Imagine doing that to a person. What the f man. No class, no class at all. and who would tolerate it? And now imagine you had done that to your ex, gotten back together with one of the "hotter" girls you showed her that time, and now she has taken that to heart in a similar way, using diet pills and purging so this "will never happen to her again" That's what you get if you flip it around. Make no mistake. This person was emotionally abusive to you.

Ok I can NOT take a microdose of LSD and also do things on the computer... psychedelics just make me frustrated with technology and not see the point of it. Well to be fair, I'm also still detoxing from my latest caffeine binge. Withdrawal from caffeine makes me sluggish and uninterested in technology. That has been proven before. Very inconvenient for a programmer, indeed. Hence being hard to quit, indeed. Sometimes I just wish I had 100K in the bank and didn't have this pressure to put food on the table every day, so I could just calmly figure out my health and my business. Ok that's a lie. EVERY DAY I wish that.

Just watched a video by an ex-alcoholic looking for some gold, and I found it. Reason being that my pattern with coffee is very similar to that of an alcoholic trying to quit. It's everywhere, it becomes part of your life, all your friends do it, you get sucked in and tempted again and it fucks up your life. Here's the cool reframe I found: "No one can make you!" (drink again) So cool. No one can make me drink coffee again. They can't force me to put that cup to my lips! Powerful reframe because it takes the temptation away and turns it into a rebellious challenge.

God has ADD - an explanation for reality So God could actually be the most ADD entity in existence. If somebody asked him or it: "If you could do anything, and had all of the energy and all of the time? What would you do?" And then, BOOM... this explosion of everything would happen. We're in God's mind while he ponders that question. And when he thinks: "It's time to focus" that's when we enter the Singularity. And when he's allowed to daydream again, another Big Bang!

Insight of the day: addiction is not a people problem. People are just much better at manufacturing addictive substances than other animals. I don't see orangutans make chocolate muffins! Let alone cook meth. Our addiction problems would be over if the world would just stop manufacturing addictive foods and drugs. This is deeper than it seems on the surface. Addiction is commonly thought of as a "character flaw", and when we can't stop eating chocolate, we think there's something wrong with US. It's okay to blame the chocolate a bit too! And the people, for making it.

Sounds like you would benefit by having this conversation with her instead. Communication is key?

That's the beginner paradigm. Next step: no goals! Once you are secure in your bed skills, you don't need to prove it every time. This enables you to be more present and *actually* go with the flow. I bet she'll like it much better that way too.

This does not constitute a field report. Sack up and go out into the real world, talk to people face to face ffs.

Great! Keep posting. Taking action is infinitely better than the endless mental masturbation and excuse finding that goes on here a lot. And people need to hear about it, too. Did you actually speak to someone already?

You just know ? It never does. Someone always dies or breaks up in the end. The idea of a happy ending clearly becomes untenable in this light. Focus on your quality of life now. Do you feel inspired to continue with this person or not?

If she wanted to cum over and over again, she would have. Notice how you need her to cum again for your sake, not for her sake. This is backwards.

I'm so glad that I am taking a bit of time to prepare my website before letting a bunch of new clients in. Every day I am inspired to add a little puzzle piece to my coaching program. It usually follows my own overcoming of some obstacle. Or just an insight sparked by something I read or hear. What I am piecing together here is quite a unique take on ADD and how to alchemize it. I believe it cuts right to the core, and at the same time goes more meta than most others care to look. It includes perspectives that I could only have gained by being on a significant personal development & healing journey myself. It's also about much more than ADD; I also will include my perspective on addiction and how to quit things, which is quite unique and counterintuitive I've noticed. I feel excited to assemble it and test it.

I'm an ADD coach who has ADD. Many good things have been named already. @intotheblack I'd like to ask you this though: which things are your thoughts drifting off to, when trying to listen? Would you be able to make a list of that, and provide it here? It is often telling.

Sometimes you just need a good purge. My whole system is clogged. I feel like I am dragging several car tires behind me as I walk, tied to my feet with strings. Yes, it's still possible to walk. And to anyone who asks why the hell am I dragging these car tires behind me, I defend them tooth and nail. I have a great, flawless speech prepared, ready for anyone who questions my ways, explaining how it is indeed a bit harder to walk with car tires behind you, but for me there is no other way, because X, Y and Z. So my life is just supposed to be this hard, and also other people are basically irresponsible for not dragging car tires behind them as they walk. They definitely are missing out on some opportunities there.