flowboy

@Giulio Bevilacqua Sorry to hear you are having a rough time of it. I don't have personal experience with this, but Vivek Govekar has a cool youtube channel about his kundalini process, and it was pretty dramatic too. Lots of useful tips in there.

Good time to do the course.

@coca Oh no, we like threads about dating and sexuality. Just not this one, because it's not constructive. Pointing the finger at a group (any group) of people is bordering on hatespeech, so watch it.

Radical Experiments in Self-love (#triggerwarning for self-development junkies!) Yesterday, I had 6 things planned for the day. Instead, I watched porn all morning (didn't cum though), and spent all afternoon journaling. Today, I had no plan. But I knew what to do. I still "procrastinated" starting until 4pm, though! Zero. Negative. Feelings. I'm experimenting with not punishing myself! And it's great! Just like I hypothesized, not punishing and shaming myself made sure it was super easy to get started when I did! Before, I would have huge stress and shame built up from so much procrastination. When I finally did start, it would be because my adrenaline would be going through the roof, and my thoughts would be torturing me so hard, that I was unable to drown them out with watching youtube and being on my phone combined. I probably also would have abused caffeine to the point where I had heart palpitations and felt anxious. And would not be able to sleep at a decent time because of it. And I thought I deserved the punishment of not sleeping, because I had been "bad". Today, I really enjoy what I do instead of the work, and see the meaning in it. I'm exploring ideas. Working out insights. Helping others. Growing and consolidating my ever-increasing knowledge base. None of my time-wasters are useless. I'm simply denying the use I have for it. I even learnt a lot from watching all that porn yesterday! I experienced it from such a high level of consciousness, that I never have before. Because I was always pulled down by this layer of shame and guilt. It was a spiritual experience that made me feel unconditional love and recognize the divine. (And there was some hardcore stuff too, with metal music in the background) The porn videos I watched, had an extra layer to it of reverence, and I felt like there were spiritual insights to be gleaned. It deepened my unconditional love for people, the masculine, and the feminine. Sounds cringey but that was my experience, and I like it. Today, zero desire to watch porn. I don't even need my website blocker anymore. A behavior is unconsciously repeated until it is fully experienced. Seeing only the good side, or the bad side, but not gaining the insight or the meaning, because of being dragged down by judgment, just makes you want to repeat the experience. In an attempt to experience it fully. I actually am telling myself that I love myself in the mirror, as per Matt Kahn's advice. I think it really works. Did I have zero impulse to chastise myself then? No, the thought was there. Instead of trying to ignore it, I chose to act it out dramatically. I literally shouted, in a comically exaggerated and overly dramatic fashion: "Oh my GOD, I WASTED all this time!! I CAN't believe it, I'm SO BAD!!" and gestured wildly. But I did it with a wink. In my mind, I'm encouraging myself from the sidelines: "Yeah!! Whip yourself! Do it! Awesome! Well done! Such a nice punishment! Amazing shaming session!!" Thusly, more fully experiencing my negative self talk. And because there are now zero shaming thoughts to escape from, I can now calmly decide: "this is not the useful thing I actually want to do", and pull myself away with zero resistance. My working theory is that things like this are crucial for transforming sticky patterns. It's too early to tell whether it works, but it's looking good so far.

@uriel I'm going to take a different position here than most answers so far. Don't break up, in your current state. Wait until your OCD has calmed down so much, and you are actually feeling calm and like you can see things clearly. Don't ever make big life decisions from an unhappy, stressed state. No good decisions come from that. Your most acute problem here is not your relationship with your girlfriend, it's the one with your therapist! It's not working, so you need to try different things. A different therapist, if you have the option. But also broaden your horizon of options you can explore. Then, when it has calmed down, you'll know what to do. Perhaps breaking up is the answer, perhaps not. But it's not fair to you or your partner to make that decision with a clouded mind. As long as we're talking about additional options to improve your mental health situation, let me jump on my soapbox for a bit. Watch this

@SamC There's four stages to overcoming an unhealthy pattern. Living it, unconsciously Living it, aware of it Rejection, fighting against it and being vigilant not to fall back into it Transcendence: your paradigm has changed so much that you can't even conceive of falling back anymore I'm somewhat in stage 3 still, I'm still being vigilant that I don't play the victim. Although this is diminishing lately. That vigilance doesn't stop with me, it also gets (mis)directed at other people. Whatever I'm currently working on, will trigger me in others.

I'm sorry that that's been your experience. The woman I love has multiple male friends. They are exceptional guys, and they are secure in their position as a friend. It takes an exceptional guy to be friends with a woman without getting needy and creepy on her.

@Gianna Of course not. You can have male friends. It's possible and it's a valid desire. Don't listen to these idiots. Here's the catch: they need to be so non-needy, that they don't view you as just a juicy piece of meat that they need So with experience, you can learn how to recognize that. Someone who really has their life together, and doesn't need your validation because they don't have anything to prove. Those people can be your friends. Ironically, these are the guys you will often find attractive and want to pursue. But not always. A guy who has his shit seriously together, and he's not at al scared to make a move on you, but both of you know that there's no sexual spark between you. He can be a good friend.

Fine then. She should move in with him. To tell him or not, is her choice. She can do that when she's ready. To get her to agree to therapy, negotiate with her. Sweeten the deal. What does she really want? It's important to respect a child's free will and not override it by default, but also she's 13 and doesn't have the knowledge or maturity required to clearly see what she needs. That's what you are there for now. So if you feel responsible for this person, then make it your mission to find her a good therapist who she likes, and get her to voluntarily go, preferably combined with EMDR sessions, and get her to move in with her dad where she's safe. Perhaps it's okay to say "okay you don't have to tell your dad, but then you do have to do therapy", perhaps the deal needs to be sweeter. Get creative. I applaud you sir, for taking this responsibility upon you.

Cool

Yes they may be workaholics, but they probably tried out tons of other things that they are currently not doing, to get to the thing that was actually worthwhile putting in all that work to them. See also:

@LeoX8 I don't think you're being a victim at all. You're facing adversity and looking for feedback and input. Good for you! Whether you quit depends on whether this is your dream, or an important step towards it. If it is, you never quit! You conquer the obstacle and practice relentlessness. Requisite variety. If you don't care about it (anymore), it's fine to quit. Successful people quit often and quit early. Overcoming that shame and investment attachment is what enables you to find the right thing faster. If you don't know, take 7 days off and don't do any work. Not even email. Take a trip if you can. Perhaps you're just overworked.

That sounds like she's killed people. I'm not saying that that bias doesn't exist - it exists in me as well. But it only comes up when I am feeling jealous and insecure. My issue is with the unwillingness to introspect

@coca I'm assuming you're single. Instead of focusing on what you don't want - how about focusing on what you do want? What do you want in a woman? Where could you meet someone like that?

Thanks for showing that you don't actually know what you are talking about. Burden of proof is on you here, sir. If women get brain damage from sleeping around, that's quite a bold claim to make, so you gotta back it up with some reeeal solid rationale + personal experience. Which you can't. Because you're just repeating what random internet people said

It makes perfect sense to me, but it flies over your head because you lack experience. (I assume) How long was your longest relationship? How many girls have you been with?

Fucking up her head how? Like specifically, how does this work? Any science you can link?

@coca Why would a woman's "sexual value" be influenced by how many people she slept with? Explain that.

Then talk to your long time girlfriend about it, not us What's her name?

A value judgment on how many people someone has slept with, makes no sense - after all, you have much better sex with someone who's had some experience. People who slut shame (and that's what you're doing) are just afraid that she's been with another man in the past who has a bigger dick, better moves, or is just in general a better man.

What's wrong with being promiscuous? It's judgmental and fear-based. People who think like this usually fear female sexuality and want to control and contain it. And it's hypocritical. People who think like this usually don't mind getting a lot of sexual experience themselves. If they can even get it, because with a judgmental attitude, it's very unlikely that a women will feel comfortable enough with you to have sex. The truth is women like sex, and it's their right to enjoy it in any way they please, with whomever they please. And if you judge them for it, then they won't give you the good sex they are capable of. Or more likely, none at all

What's a "hoe"?

None of this is based on real personal experiences by you, is it? You're just reading toxic shit online, and now you're poisoning the well here. Do everyone a favor and get on a healthier information diet.

@integral In al seriousness, can she come live with you? Because from what I've heard, it's really a nightmare to be placed in a strangers' home by child protective services. Not a bright outlook from there. She needs therapy - at least EMDR and talk therapy, I'd say - but any therapist would be obligated to call the cops, at least where I live. If that would lead to him being seized, great - but if it means her having no home because the mom failed to protect her - not so great. Does her mom know about this?

Not every flake is because she didn't want to. Most of them will be because in the moment she felt like 'ok sure', and later she had a fight with her mom and just felt negative and couldn't remember why she said yes to that. And if there's no concrete future plan that you drilled into her brain - it's like whatever. Why? It's not weird. It's only weird if she's not liking you. The subtext of the conversation has to indicate that you are an awesome guy and that she is interested in getting to know you. By subtext I mean that it's not literally said, but both of you feel it. If that's the case, it's not weird, it's actually a relief when you bring up a future plan. Because in that stage you need an 'excuse' to hang out. You both know you like each other but you can't say it yet - that would break the spell. So she wants you to invent an excuse, make a narrative that allows both of you to meet again. You know it's a date, she knows it, but the guise is casual - low commitment, something cool, hangout. But you both know it's more than that. But you don't say it. That's the game. It's not about the thing. The thing is just the excuse you create so both of you can be together without already publicly committing to a date, or confirming that you for sure like each other. It has to be up in the air. You only need this narrative when there's a subtextual understanding that you are an attractive man and you may or may not be interested in her, and you want to give her a chance, and she's thinks you're attractive and hopes that you like her. If you get hesitation, work on establishing this first. And of course - you don't establish this by telling her things to impress her - instead you make sure that you believe you are awesome, are feeling awesome, you love yourself, and so then you radiate that. Then you are already attractive without saying anything. The vibe is strong. From there, you just kinda say whatever, anything is fine as long as you worship your own words. Downplay your awesomeness, even. "I'm just a regular guy (big smile)" is great.