flowboy

So what are the things that you are not saying, in that moment? The key is to find a good way to say them anyways. My guess is that you are feeling a particular way in that moment, that you haven't found a socially acceptable way to express yet.

Hey brother, I can't give you the 1-2-3 step by step of how to get out of this, but what I do know is I've been a place quite similar to where you are. Whichever attempt I made at improvement, I would just drop it and fall back further. I felt like a failure who accomplished absolutely nothing. I wouldn't keep up any good habit. I needed these drugs to basically function, but then their side effects would make my mood even worse. I remember complaining in tears to my boss, that doing laundry at home was stressing me out so much, and that's why I was late so often.. He didn't know what to do with me, haha. I'd be happy to speak to you and try and make sense of some things. Since I also work with ADD and have it, it could be useful. You can contact me in PM. Oh and I've also spent years watching youtube and series all day, doing absolutely nothing and feeling shitty about it. Literally years. That was the worst period of living with ADD (or whatever you want to call it) I've ever been through. Being on high doses of amphetamines was like a breath of fresh air to me. I could finally be myself, without being constantly interrupted by self-deprecating thoughts. It was not the long term solution I wanted, so I kept searching. This is how I found meditation, and through meditation I found actualized.org. What set me on the path to healing, I think, was creating a vision of what I wanted for myself. Having that document, and working on it every day, slowly but surely started to transform me. It gave me just enough motivation, to make some other improvements in my life. Like learning good organization habits. Just the basics. And from there, taking all the neurotic thinking and working with it. Examining where it comes from, and heal it one by one. Either by doing something external to improve my life, or by doing internal work. I basically disproved all my self-deprecating thoughts one by one, by taking action to improve my life. And after that, they were still there, so I looked inward and worked through the trauma that was generating them. That's the order I would recommend going at it. Vision Basic getting-shit-together, organisational habits and creating structure and planning Work through trauma That's not to say I'm completely free from ups and downs today. Hell, I am writing this during a period of going back to smoking cigarettes Those periods never last long anymore, though. And I don't feel horrible about myself. I know what I'm capable of, I know I love myself and I know I'm almost at the end of this ego backlash. The difference today, from where I started: I'm successful and see myself as such I love myself and feel loved by others no matter what, whether I mess up sometimes or not My identity is now in functioning well and being on purpose. So the rebound has switched direction: I used to sometimes do positive things, and then backslide to the terribleness that I identified with. Today, I identify with the positive way I can live, and even when I have some bad days, the rubber band of my identity swings me back to the functional state. That's also a key reframe that you need in my opinion. When you are in your current state, instead of saying: "See, I always go back to this", work your way up to a healthy state, and then identify with that, saying: "See, there I am again. I'll always come back to this healthy way, apparently". I think that was crucial to me, when I was in your shoes.

@coca So did you? Watch all of that, front to back? Not everything can be explained in a couple of good arguments. You're still working off the basic premise that there is one objective truth, that can be expressed in words, and the best logical argument will reveal that truth. Isn't that what you assume? That if you have the best arguments, then you are right? I don't blame you. This is the unspoken myth of debate. The fact is, you can defend your stance with the best arguments, refute everything being thrown at you, and still live in your own personal hell, that no one else here lives in. You are defending beliefs that make you unhappy using arguments, and assuming that the arguments are prior to the belief. "It's based on logic, that's why I believe it". If you look deeper though, it's the other way around. First you chose the belief, then you collected the arguments. Or found them on the internet. And then due to confirmation bias, you see evidence everywhere, and all the other people seem deluded. But what's prior to argument? Choosing that belief. Choosing a belief that makes you unhappy, feel lacking, feel restricted or victimized in some way, or feel negative towards a group of people, such as women, is usually caused by painful experience. The unprocessed pain causes a toxic belief to feel real. The arguments and evidence come after that. So because someone else had different experience, they will choose different beliefs, and then later form argument. This is why having a Battle Of The Arguments doesn't work. It's too surface level. What you can do, is working at the belief level, or at the experience level. Choosing a different belief will work, because it starts to become more real as you start to live by it. It will lead to a more positive experience. Taking action to have more positive experience will also work. That can be fertile grounds for more healthy beliefs. Which you can then find arguments and evidence for.

Hey, glad to help! Sorry it was maybe too late for this one, but I'd be happy to have a chat next time you're in a situation like this. Good to do it anyway, for practice. You take her to the environment that you are most comfortable in. You need to set yourself up to feel your best. If you are already going out with your friends anyway, and you usually have a good time and are comfortable there, and your friends are real friends who like you and treat you with respect, then that can work great to invite her along. I didn't really like noisy places so my preference has usually been to invite a girl to play pool somewhere for example, because I like that. One time I invited a girl along to watch me play drums and teach her a bit, that's nice. But I've also done plenty of just hanging out at my place, having some tea. Or making a plan to go for a walk somewhere, but then first meeting at my place, so she can get comfortable there before we go, and it feels more natural to come back there afterwards. (Sometimes we'd make out or have sex before we went, and that's fine, but if not that's also fine) Or just making a simple dinner at my place while I let her help and tell her how to chop the vegetables. It really doesn't matter much, as long as it's something you actually like doing and she's comfortable with it. If I played videogames, I'd probably have invited girls over to play video games. I heard that can be a great date. But I don't game.

Nonono, no contraction Contraction will make you ejaculate, that's why I don't mention it. Because I don't recommend it. You learn to stop before that stage, and then let the tension flow up. Breathing does help, but do relaxed belly breathing, nothing weird or unnatural. No contraction, no tricks. At least that's the way I do it. There's other ways that work for other people. I'm just telling you what works for me, what I've been taught in tantra classes, and it goes against the overcomplicated tricks that are being promoted elsewhere, and so I like it better.

This tension is what you want to release by the relaxing practice I described above. You need to build it up first though. Blue balls is just a bit of cramp in the underbelly from edging too far, it's not harmful at all just annoying. At a certain point of excitation, the prostate starts to prepare to pump semen. If it doesn't get to after that, it gets frustrated. That's blue balls. So edge until the prostate starts preparing to release semen, but not past that, because that will cause those cramps afterwards. The amount of relaxation that is needed to let the tension flow up the spine, is the amount of relaxation you need to comfortably slide a finger in your ass. You can tell, it's quite a radical amount of relaxation you have to become accustomed to. But it does work that way.

I know those benefits, they are great! I enjoy them most of the time too. You're not getting what I mean. Masturbation does not have to mean ejaculating! You can keep all those benefits. Just teach yourself to enjoy sensations without having a goal. To be able to have these kinds of orgasms, you need to have some buildup of stimulation, so you have to practice that a lot. A lot a lot. So better strap in and become really good at self-control and not going over the edge. Start very slow. Just stop again when it becomes too tempting. Learn to enjoy the middle part of it, instead of the end we are used to skipping to.

Do I just want to be a technical cofounder of something? I've always told myself: "I need money, I need money first, I need money first" But do I? If I'm VC funded, I can be a startup without having money. And apparently it doesn't even make sense to invest all your money into the development of your own tech product, if it's massive. More efficient to take an investment round, risk some of other people's money, then make it back and then some at the exit, than trying to make tens of millions some other way, just to be able to fund your own product business. That's so backwards. Why have I been telling myself I need to save up millions before I can make my ideas real? Oh because... I'm actually insecure about my ideas. See, I didn't go to university, so I'm afraid that my ideas will look stupid in front of people who did... AHA.

Why do you think orgasms have a purpose? Why don't you want to masturbate? Why would you want to have an up the spine orgasm without masturbation or sex? That's absurd. Btw, you can retain your energy and still masturbate. Just touch yourself and enjoy it, but not all the way to ejaculation. Don't buy into the toxic nofap myths. Self improvement is not self torture.

@fopylo So you want to achieve orgasm without masturbation or sex?

@fopylo Same things apply. I can masturbate and do the same thing.

This kind of thinking will get you in trouble. Being 'smooth' is code for being not-yourself. Polished. She'll feel that vibe and notice you're putting on a show. Because you think her being beautiful means you gotta change your natural behavior, that means you think your normal self is not good enough for her. If you think that, she sure will believe that. So better nip all of that smoothness in the bud, it doesn't work! What does work? Being yourself without modulating your natural behavior Not shying away from awkwardness, but laughing about it Making yourself vulnerable by saying what you really want and think, exposing yourself to potential rejection Express interest in yourself while talking about yourself, and express interest in her when you talk about her What I'd personally do, is not even send a text, but a voice message. Much more ballsy and vulnerable, more original, more memorable, more chance of reply. She gets to experience you better in that way. Put yourself in a good mood beforehand. I like to go to the gym, but you can call up a friend, whatever gets you out of your head and in a good mood. Or just pick any moment in your day where you are already active and feeling good, and just do it there, impulsively. That's actually best. Then record an unpolished, off-the-cuff, casual sounding message, saying you've been meaning to message her, work in a couple words on what you're doing right now, preferably mention some relatable positive sounding activity, or a nice environment, to show you're mostly thinking about your fun life, not just preoccupied about her optionally an inside joke from your previous conversation, or something you can tease her with mention that you liked meeting her and let's hang out again propose a date and a time. Assertively. So not: "are you available? Would you like to? Question mark question mark?" None of that. That smells like fear and submissiveness. "Let's do X, i think that'd be fun, so let me know if you're in. " Notice the important difference between asking whether she's "in", and asking whether she'd like that. The former makes it sound like you are proposing something cool that she can choose to be a part of. The latter makes it sound like you are trying to please her. When you get the reply, simply propose a date and time: "Let's meet at X day at Z time" Notice they are statements, not questions. Don't overdo it on the assertiveness and sound angry, just sound chill. If she can't that day, but still wants to, she'll propose another day. Then see if that works for you, if it does, now you have a date, if it doesn't, repeat the process. I know it sounds scarier to leave a voice message, but trust me it's sooo much better than obsessing over the right words to type. And it's actually less effort. Which makes you seem cooler than anything you could type. It's instantly better, because it shows you're not shy, and you're not like most people who are too insecure to use their voice right away. Puts you above the rest without even having to try.

I never did any of that complicated 7 step gymnastics shit. I don't like tricks, anyway. Maybe I'm missing out, and I can improve my experience by squeezing my pc muscles whilst pulling my ballsack down whilst simultaneously rolling my eyes up in my head towards my third eye, sticking out my tongue as far as possible and saying a mantra backwards whilst visualising a purple lotus. That's my loss then. To me, sex is about relaxation, connection and flow, not about gymnastics and tricks. But I do have relaxation orgasms where my energy flows back up my spine, it's enjoyable, makes me shake and it resets my tension so that I can go longer afterwards. And obviously, no ejaculation / losing energy. It's not as spectacular as with ejaculation. It used to be barely noticable. Then it became mildly enjoyable. Now, it's enjoyable, but still not as spectacular as a peak orgasm. But the big advantage is that I can have as many as I like, and keep going. How I got there? Built up sexual energy, at least 3 weeks without ejaculation Learnt to have sex in that state. Without working towards a goal of cumming or making someone cum. Having mindful, oftentimes slow sex, that can last a long time. Practiced that for a couple years. Incorporating the ass. The most unpopular aspect to beginners. I certainly wanted to skip it. It's vital to work with the ass, and learn to relax it and feel some pleasure through it. Takes a lot of practice. Buttplugs are handy. Most men especially have too much tension of daily work stress stored in their assholes, and it blocks the flow of energy from downstairs back up your spine. I don't do that a lot, definitely not every time, it's rather something that requires some maintenance practice every now and then. An overly tense ass forces you into a peak orgasm. In my experience, it will just start to happen. The energy builds up around the genitals, like it normally does, but by breathing and extreme relaxation (that's what asswork prepares you for), you can let it travel up the spine and recirculate. To me it doesn't feel like 'forcing' it up the spine, or doing anything with any muscles. Just letting it travel up, like letting go of the string of a helium balloon.

I think they come here thinking they want to share their point of view and get people to confirm it - whilst actually, their higher self is sending them here to be healed. And they know it on some level. Their toxic posts are subconsciously a cry for help and attention. "Look at the terrible world that I live in, it's so painful! Somebody convince me life is better than this please, because I can't convince myself! I've been in too much pain." And you do see that it works, in the long term. You can't argue someone out of inceldom in a single thread, but I have seen at least one or two incels on here that gradually became more open minded, started taking some action, shifted their mindset and actually got a girlfriends or started dating. Of course, those two who made it had the proper jaw line.

The premise that sleeping with lots of women will bring you happiness and fulfillment... Read that in a recent thread. Before I can even reason about it, a voice arises: Ah, the sleazy salesman in my subconscious. It's always with me, next to me wherever I go, when it's not allowed to speak, it mutters to itself impatiently, waiting until it is HIS TIME, a time where I feel really low and am susceptible to his sales pitch. Then it rolls out the screen, sets up the projector and sells me on the dream. Once again, here we go. I can tell you don't feel content, and I'll tell you why. You've been a loser for way too long, Erik. We're gonna change that with my simple 3-step system. Are you ready? > Sigh. Alright then! Here we go. I'm about to change your life. *pulls out pointing stick* Step 1. Make lots of money > How much? Doesn't matter as long as it's enough for step 2. > Alright. How do I make the money? Bro are you LISTENING? Questions at the end please. > Ok, ok. What's step 2? Step 2 is use that money to get bitches. Throw parties yo. Be popular and shit. Finally it will be your time, bro. In high school you were unpopular and got bullied and laughed at, you'll have your revenge now, several times over! Are you taking notes? Good. Step 3 - fuck the bitches. This is where we actually solve all your problems. It will feel so good bro. > Alright, I'm trying to follow. But what kind of bitches do I invite to these parties? Oh man, just the ones that made you feel like they too good for you man. Just the ones you whacked off to before, and can't talk to in the street because you feel so inferior. Those ones. > Does it matter whether I like them? Are there any personality traits or other qualities I should look out for? Bro, nah, keep up! Just the ones that used to make you feel inferior, bro. You know the best sex is when you feel inferior and like you are getting something you are not entitled to! > Wait... I'm confused. That's the kind of sex that makes me cum right away... when I'm not feeling worthy. Why is that good sex? Bro, the faster you cum, the better! That's why. > How is that better? Because then you FUCKED HER bro, the sooner that happens, the sooner you can say that you fucked her, and move on to the next! It's a simple efficiency logic. > Wait ... Say it to whom? Alright, let me get to SECRET STEP NUMBER 4... * flips chart * > There is a secret step number 4? You tell the guys you went to high school with bro. You go and tell them how many girls you fucked. And how hot they are. You tell everyone, tell the whole world. Basically make them feel like they made you feel. > Wait, I'm not in contact with those guys.. How do I approach that? Do I send them a letter? Knock on their door to show them pictures? It's all social media today man, don't be such a grandpa. You throw these parties, fuck the bitches, invite your friends, show THEM your success, so they also get to fuck bitches. Then let the others know on social media that they didn't get invited, because you're the boss now, bro, and you decide who gets invited! The in-crowd is now yours. > Wait, I make my friends fuck the bitches? Yeah, what part are you not getting? > What if they don't want to? Most of my friends are in relationships. That's a sham, bra. Relationships are weak-sauce. It's for people who are afraid they can't get LAID bra. > Oh kay... So actually my friends don't want to be in their relationships? And you want me to throw these parties and tempt them with orgies with hot girls, to admit they actually want what I have? Wouldn't that be making them choose between their relationships and me? Yeah bro, now you can be single together again. See, now you get it. Long term relationships are a scam, it's all about being a boss player. They don't admit it but they actually wish they could be like that. > Hmm.. What if they don't want to be like that because they have better things to do? Like their business and their family? All of that is an excuse for not being a boss player bro. > What if it isn't? What if what isn't? Are you going to sign up for my 4 step program or not?? *glances nervously at stack of order forms* > What if they are actually more satisfied building their life in other ways than chasing girls? Then they're fools. Sex is the only experience that matters. Gives you pleasure, gives you status, keeps the bad feelings out. > You know, there is another way to keep the bad feelings out. One that doesn't require that much chasing. Sounds like a scam to me, but I'll bite. > You can actually keep the bad feelings out by loving someone deeply, being deeply loved, spending time with a few select friends who you love and who know you extremely well, doing fun activities that are actually relaxing, and building up a project of your own that absorbs all your creativity. Yeah, I've heard that propaganda before. I'm not falling for it again bro. Tried that shit in high school, all it got me was rejection and being laughed at. > What if the world has changed since high school? Keep dreaming. The world always works the same way. You don't get love for being yourself. You have to prove yourself. People want to sell you on this dream that you can just be yourself and still get love. It's BS bro, and the people saying that are actually not happy. > They seem pretty happy to me. Hey, where are we going with this?! What you're saying doesn't make any sense bro, you're brainwashed by the mainstream. You're trying to justify your own loser position, and your lack of game. To reiterate, you don't get love in this world by being yourself. You get it by proving yourself as a boss player. Over, and over again. We will do this in 3 simple steps. Step 1... > Alright, good talk. I'm not sure I'm ready to sign up for this program right now, but let's continue our conversation. We will keep talking, and whatever we decide to do together, I promise we will both get everything we want! I'll make sure of it. Bro you've literally been saying this for 15 years bro. Sometimes you get halfway through my course, then quit. Then we have to start all over again bro. You're like the worst student I ever had! Amateur numbers. I can promise to keep listening, and we will work out a deal that makes both of us happy. It may not be exactly the program you prepared the presentation for me about, but if it gets both of us what we want, it's still a good deal, right? Hmpf. *mutters something about limiting beliefs and betas* Alright man, I guess a win-win is still a good deal. Although I doubt anything else can work. But let's keep talking. You're my only prospect, anyway. > Alright, so we have an agreement. I appreciate you. Thank you for looking out for me. Too little too late, but I'll take it. I [unintelligible] you too, I guess. Next time then.

This has been your sticking point for half a year now, at least. You need feedback from real life people who know you and have met you. No forum person can diagnose what's going on, but if you are constantly getting numbers and nothing after that, you are doing something wrong that none of us can see clearly. Have you asked any of the girls for feedback? If not, I'd do that. You should be calling them up and asking them why they changed their mind, and what impression you made. Then writing that down and compiling the data. Also get advice from people who know you personally. If possible, go out with someone else, and have them come with you and witness you approach girls. You need real life feedback on your behavior and how you come across. I'd offer to do it myself, but I live in NL.

I would focus on at least getting laid a couple times, get that out of the way. And find hobbies and bring a circle of friends together. I've seen sexless guys post on here who only do their LP without any girls in their life, and they often turn very rigid and bitter, saying that they "choose to" be without sex, and that women are a distraction, and that shit. Huge unaddressed shadow. It's normal that you can't get your ass moving if you don't have satisfying relationships with friends and women. Just take one look at Maslow's pyramid.

It's not "information", it's misleading trash that people who do well with women, and are happy with their love/sex life, don't take seriously. What does that tell you? Put 2 and 2 together already.

And you wonder why women don't want you... Such a bitter attitude repels anyone. Maybe go easy on the opinion forming based on internet information, and get a couple women to like you, and go from there? If no women like you, it's you who is the problem, not the women.

That is fantastic.

That's interesting! In a different phase of my life, I would have loved to go there. Where does the money come from? Do they produce goods?

Looks like you've got it figured out.

It exists but it doesn't work, and ends in restraining orders filed against you. The only exception to that is, if she's attracted from the beginning but there are practical obstacles. Like: she's still in the process of divorce. Or: her parents won't let her date you until you get a job. Or: she likes you but has limiting beliefs about dating you. Or: she's attracted on some level but she's not convinced that your lives fit well together. Or: she's so attracted to you, that she has a hard time believing you actually want to be with her. Or: you are in the military and get to see her only for a couple days a year, until your situation changes and you can be together. That's not friendzone hell, that's attraction with practical obstacles. A longer courtship dance, stretched out for some reason. Being in the friendzone is something that only happens to men who can't be honest what they want, which is a prohibitively non-attractive trait. If she doesn't find you attractive from the first day, any pursuit after that will dig you into a deep hole, because it shows that you are desperate.

If you are only passionate about inspiring people with music, there's no sense in going to school to become an engineer to create some kind of invention to solve hunger or disease somewhere in the world. "Most meaningful" is relative to your perspective. That's why we have individual perspectives. So that only you can be you, and someone else can do what's meaningful to them. It's a trap to try and find what the "objective" best contribution is, because There isn't one If there were, and everyone would do the same thing, nothing else would get done Everything is important. Question is: does it feel important when you do it? Are you in touch with how purposeful different activities have made you feel?

Lack of confidence fixates in different places. Basically, wherever it can stay without being "proven" away. If your looks is a comfortable place to hide, that's where it will go. You can hammer it out of there, by going to the gym, taking better care of yourself, getting positive feedback on your looks until it goes away. But it's like whack-a-model. Like moving a bubble of air, between a sheet and a glass window. If the lack of confidence is still serving a purpose, it will just go somewhere else. Maybe the next thing is: you're just not well-read enough. Or: you're just not experienced enough. Your social skills are clunky. Your accent is wrong. You need to work on yourself more. You haven't done enough research. Whatever it is. It's still a useful practice to improve your looks where you can, and seek experiences to contradict this belief. How many people will have to tell you you're attractive, until you believe it? It's also a useful question to ask yourself: why don't you want to connect with people? Your looks are just the easiest scapegoat. Can't use anything else. Hobbies are fine, can't use that. Passions are fine, can't use those. Interests are cool too. Damn it. Looks it is, then But if you really wanted to connect to people and talk to these girls, you wouldn't let it stop you. So why don't you want to?