flowboy

Ego Backlash I feel the discrepancy guilt piling up, so it's probably wise to mention that I am having an ego backlash. During a festival I went to, I smoked again. This caused me to drop all my habits I was tracking. I am now successfully not smoking again. But I'm not making schedules again yet, and I'm flunking out of commitments I made to people left and right. Also I ordered fast food twice this week already. Interestingly, I know that it is going to be fine. It doesn't affect my self-worth like it used to. It doesn't make me feel as neurotic and self-flagellating. I also like fast food less. I can't really get hooked to smoking again. Even though I still like it, it doesn't seem worth it. ?

@Nivsch Why do you assume that it was a route of thinking that led to it? This is not how we acquire our most fundamental beliefs. Ask yourself why you believe that thoughts are in the brain. If you get a reason, ask "how come I believe that" again. Follow the trail all the way down, and you'll find that you believe reality is only physical and thoughts are in the brain, because someone told you before you were old enough to question it (we call this education), and because of that, everything confirming that seems "right" to you. It's not a line of reasoning that convinced you. It's more like imprinting, or indoctrination. You can be free from indoctrination and re-imprint yourself with actual experience, if you wish. Psychedelics are one very effective way to do that indeed.

@Gladius Thank you

@tsuki Great, that's going to the top of my book list! Thank you. I also had the intuition that the tests were no good.

As far back as I can remember, I've always responded with hard rebellion whenever someone told me what to do and it was clear to be that it was stupid. In high school, I didn't let a teacher get away with any perceived flaw in an exercise or inaccuracy in a teaching. Unless it was a feared and respected teacher. But temps and teaching assistants would get hell from me. Instead of doing the exercises they made for us, I scribbled them full of notes, things to improve. In my adult life I carry myself with the attitude: "I'm here, and I'm going to tell you what I think. I don't care who it pisses off." Usually that goes well. But I seem to have an extreme intolerance for group think, and it feels natural for me to challenge it. Whenever I detect that people are being dogmatic, or not thinking for themselves, or when people try to make me conform to something that I think is stupid, I enjoy saying the opposite, just to stir it up and make people think. This led to an argument today with some guys who are informally recognized as more senior than me, but not officially the boss of me. The argument ended with me questioning the coworker's authority (he tried to make me do something his way), which led to the other senior guy confirming that his authority should be recognized. To which I said: "We don't have to agree on everything. I'm fine with having a different opinion. I will make the change, as it doesn't really matter, but I will say that the reasons for it are bullshit, and the whole discussion is based on nonsense. You value conformity, which I understand your reasons for, and yet I think it is a bad idea. Let's just leave it at that." I have a gnawing feeling that I'm shooting myself in the foot. Because of my unwillingness to agree, it seems like I'm triggering these coworkers and giving them the idea that I'm trying to nibble at their authority. There is even a strong urge in me to "finish the job" by telling the guy in front of everyone, that as long as I'm here, I will tell him my unpleasant truth, and I refuse to pretend to agree with his rules just to make him comfortable, and he better learn to deal with it. I did not say that yet, because I'm internally conflicted. Experience tells me that less is more, and the latter may be complete overkill, and be perceived as unnecessary hostility. But darn, it would feel good. There is definitely an element of wanting to assert/restore dominance. I don't need anybody to like me, but I also don't want to be viewed as a troublemaker and get fired for it. However: I need to be true to myself, and speaking my mind is part of that. My question is not who is right and who is wrong. It is clear to me that I'm being a rebellious asshole, and could have saved everyone some stress and energy by not "being so difficult". However, it feels part of my Life's Purpose to rebel. Like I was born to go against the status quo. And I think that people who speak their truth and dare to go against the crowd have tremendous value. So why would I change anything. I'm conflicted because if there is nothing to gain, it seems insane to risk my job. In my mind everyone would benefit from less needless regulation, but that is just my view. The crazy thing is, a part of me would be very proud if I fought every battle to the end. Even if that meant getting fired a bunch of times over unimportant nonsense, while bystanders shake their head at my inability to give in for my own good. My question is: are you like me? If so, have you dealt with this challenge of this rebellious streak making you unpopular? What do you recommend? Do you know people like me? If so, do you have any interesting insights or advice? My hypothesis is that I was simply born a well-meaning asshole, and this is simply an unavoidable consequence of being myself. Probably I should be self-employed rather than working for someone, because I will never fit in that role (unless if it were for fear of survival)

Business plans are worthless, because they are just ideas on steroids. I'm just parroting MJ DeMarco here. I can highly recommend his book! One thing I picked up from his book, as well as from Sam Ovens, is that having the idea first and then trying to find customers, is putting the cart before the horse. If you want to help people in a high-consciousness way, first find the people you want to help. Talk to a lot of them. Ask what their frustrations are. Then you can come up with the idea of how to help them Unfortunately I'm kind of a hypocrite here, because I'm working on a product I conceived of in my own mind, before interviewing my target audience about their pain points. I will correct that soon, and if I don't, I'll have to learn a hard lesson too, I'm afraid. People don't really give a fork about your idea. They want their pain fixed. Find their pain.

There are not actually arguments. To call them arguments will imply that evaluating the logical validity of them, together, will bring you to agreement. This is not remotely how that works in a relationship. You can uphold the illusion, if you're stubborn enough. For starters, the feminine doesn't seek agreement. That's a masculine thing. Secondly, when someone says "because", they are not making a logical argument, they are trying to use a word pointer to get your mind to imagine the same thing as theirs, so that there can be understanding.

this is probably good advice. Still, I'm going to maintain the principle that I never will pretend I agree with something. But maybe I can stop shouting my disagreement so loudly

I was just about to ask why nobody mentioned The Witness yet! That game literally embodies the concept of paradigm shifts... Really beautifully done

This morning I feel just really happy and loving and free. I'm getting the sense that this may a phase that is almost ending: proving to myself that I can stand up to people. You see, in the past, when I was getting bullied, many times I did not dare stand up for myself. Possibly, now that I know I am not afraid to withstand pressure, I can choose to go along, not from a place of fear but from a place of freedom to choose peace. Just some thoughts. @tsuki I took a test and it said I'm 100% 5, 50% 6 and 50-90% of a whole bunch of others... It really does appear to me like I've got elements of 5, 6, 8 and 9 Which one are you?

@tsuki That rings true!

Wow, such a loving and humorous voice <3 I ended up listening to all of them, at least partly. I feel more like a wanna-be-8 than a real one. Like I've been preparing in my shell to be one, and now I'm ready. Or something. I might be a 9w8. But I'm not sure, I should take a test. Thank you for pointing this out to me, I've been having a lot of fun recognizing people I know in these descriptions

I just had a conversation with my boss. But I noticed how advanced my getting-along skills actually are. I carefully avoid stepping on someone's ego territory, and am getting ever better at that. The difference is, I recognize his authority and I respect him. And also, he's not a control freak who triggers me by controlling me in the exact same way that I would, but have sworn off

@tsuki Listening right now The first sentences already really hit home. "Authority wasn't there when I needed it, so I created my own rules. The rules don't apply to me" Yes, yes. I mean, I'm not sure that that's me exactly, but it sure sounds great

So this only happened once. Afterwards I remember feeling proud that I didn't back down, and angry that I wasn't stronger. A strong sense that it is unfair that I am not born super strong and invincible. But sort of proud that I did something. I remember that the cops called me, and asked if I needed any counseling, because I was a victim of violence. I got angry an yelled that I was not a victim, I chose this fight and I was proud of it.

Because the entire idea that they could be stronger than me and force me or take away my freedom in any way is so repulsive to me, that I just have to fight it. Deep down I reject the idea of anyone having dominance over me at all. It could be that I'm actually fighting my dad's fight. He was traumatized by severe bullying by his stronger and older brothers when he was young, and he still eminates this pain every day, so it must have influenced me. Not often, but when someone close to me is being threatened, or I just feel very wronged by a particular person, I tend to fantasize about murdering them. Examples are when my roommate lady had a psychopath stalker who kept trying to get into the house uninvited. Or when my dad's neighbour was trying to destroy his business out of spite. Or when my dad's other neighbour beat him up.

Aaargh that feels so true!!! Yet that's what I'm inclined to do. I did it to teachers in school. I fought people in the street who were bigger than me AND outnumbered me. Got badly beaten. And apparently I will also challenge my entire body of coworkers on whatever. Things that make you go hmmm... I suppose I'm not willing to accept that I have to compromise out of fear. That I would have to watch my step because of someone higher up in the dominance hierarchy. And so I just rebel, and in some moments I really take crazy risks and would rather end up dead than admit that I have to please someone because they're stronger. I reject that whole paradigm. I would not last long in prison, clearly Perhaps I'm like one of those dogs, that you have to kick really hard every year, or they stop behaving

Very on point, yes! I don't want to be reactive! I suppose going against the group think 'just cause' doesn't really align with my goals... Very insightful, thank you. I suppose I don't want to upset people for no reason either. Does that mean I want to be forced to do things that I don't agree with, without debate? I don't know yet... I suppose if it doesn't matter much, I could let something go, to be considerate of people's group hypnosis... That would be going in a different direction than I've been going for most of my life, for sure But I do hate it when a group is convinced of something that is inaccurate. I can never pretend to agree, if it's something I feel strongly about. I think it's really weak when people do that. Hmm, internal struggle

@tsuki @Serotoninluv @Commodent @Farnaby @exhale @d0ornokey @Muhammad ... Such great GREAT quality of replies... thank you guys for taking the time. I feel so grateful!??? You are giving me a LOT to think about...

@avilo Thank God! Sorry I misjudged you, ha ha

@dimitri Good question! Haha, a month ago I couldn't sleep for several days, and in bad judgment I smoked again, rationalising that "I'm at a festival and there are no rules here" or something equally dumb. That caused me to drop the other habits as well, in a chain reaction, so I had to be honest here and remove them from my signature until I officially start again.

I want to be the asshole. But only when it matters. I see this ability to disagree and speak my mind under pressure as a valuable skill that I've been honing for a long time. But I suppose there is a toxic side to it. Too much and I will end up in a destructive tailspin, where no one wants to work with me. Yes, I am often characterized as most of those things. And I like it / am attached to it. But I suppose there is value in being tactful, as you get more accomplished that way. Yikes, that one hurt a bit I suppose I have this fantasy of never having to be considerate/tactful/pleasing again. I was never good at that. And I hated that I wasn't good at subtleties, social skills, being likeable. So I suppose I made being blunt my thing. Deep stuff, guys... So many threads to pull here, I get confused about what is even the main thing...

@Farnaby Yikes, you're spot-on! I hate group think and I am clinging to the idea that I can stop it and wake people up in every case. There is attachment to control the narrative, as well. I get easily triggered if someone contradicts my views in front of me, wanting to 'correct' them, and yet I seek to contradict others' beliefs and trigger them in that way. The symmetry is uncanny So, in a way, I'm fighting myself... Just like I am having the most arguments with the biggest control-freak, although I understand him perfectly because I used to be that way. So, does that mean that if I were nicer to myself about being controlling, OR about being intolerant of contradiction, would that make me nicer to others as well? It is true that I'm very strict with myself about always being open to logical argument. I want to always be open to discussion, but in many cases I fail this requirement and will try to shut people up in unfriendly and uncalled for manner. And I hate that about me, so it is indeed a shadow.

Yeah, that would be great! I am accepting some consequences though. It's fine if it causes people to not like me. Because it does cause me to like me more. A part of me loves to trigger people by speaking my truth, and enjoys the chaos it creates. But am I prepared to then get fired for example? Hmm... Maybe. It seems to be going in that direction. Like the brakes are off, filters are lifted and come what may. However, it does seem that in some cases it's worth it, and in some it is not... What is well-meaning? - With intention to do good What does it mean to do good? - To act out of love and do what the Heart says is right. Acting for any other reason is a sin I'm not sure what to ask next... In the case that caused me to start this topic, it feels not right. So maybe I should meditate every time I feel the urge to defy...