flowboy

The oversleeping may have been caused by the schedule for today, that is too full. I've built up some leftover tasks this week and stacked them all onto today. That's too much, but I don't like to admit it. Having a schedule that I believe in is really important.

8:53am Oops, totally slept through everything this time. I should start a dream log. Although they keep getting more disturbing? This time, I woke up dreaming a story of having sex with my ex girlfriend, when she asked about a video tape that she had seen of me having sex or something, and she had some questions about that: "Who filmed that? I wasn't there!" And I said that it was the other girl and pointed at the bed. "But she's dead now." I told my girlfriend that the other girl was dead while I started fucking the other girl. "It's okay, she's still warm. Here, you wanna try" and I threw my girlfriend on the other girl. Upon which the presumed dead girl woke up, and was like "ha ha, you guys thought I was dead LOL". ? I woke up horny as hell that's for sure.

[4:50 am] I'm here, reporting for duty? Interesting how getting up at this time makes me vividly remember my dreams. Last time: I was captured in a war by some enemies. One of my good friends was among the enemies. I had to murder him. He called me today. This time, I can't remember of ever having so vividly dreamt a smell! It was so intense, I was surprised the scent was gone when I woke up. Too bad it was the scent of cat turds. That's right, I had a dream of cats wanting to sleep next to ferrets and molesting them. But told from the ferret's perspective. Great? [8:11pm] Spent a total of 726 minutes on my project today, of which 110 were market research and the other 616 programming. That's a 12.1 hour day of working for myself. Proud of that? Yes, yes I am.

I can barely feel my weird symptoms anymore, and the worrying about my health has stopped. I can't thank you guys enough. I would like to ask for a prayer for someone. A friend and spiritual teacher (she's a tantric healer) has been suffering. She's the most vibrant and unconditionally loving mother figure to countless people. Lately, she has been ill, and the doctors can't figure out what is wrong. Friends describe it as her looking like a sick bird, so incapacitated. I will see her soon. She asked me to keep it anonymous. ?

6:05. Missed my alarms again, but getting there Some contributing factors: - Had 2 glasses of wine right before bed. Probably I should stop that, it can also wake me up. - I got involved in a heated forum debate (other forum) which was stupid. I should quit all debate forever. - I was hungry and the fridge was empty. No matter, let's start the day I got some programming planned!

8:10, almost bedtime. Went to the gym before work and had a reasonably productive work day. I am noticing that I recognize when I'm off on a tangent quicker than I used to, and I know that even reading forums is a distraction. The first thing I do tends to be what my day is about. So if I start by watching a video, the day will be video watching with short breaks of work. If I open Visual Studio first thing and get going, the day will be mostly programming with short breaks of browsing. 16:00pm I crashed hard after eating apple pie. Made brave attempts to do the tasks on my schedule (planning a trip) but decided to do them later, because I'm too sleepy to make decisions that I trust. At least I have a daily schedule again. I'll make the next one and then read UNSCRIPTED for some minutes before turning in. Good night.

I commend your effort and determination! It is amazing that you were able to brute-force yourself through passing that certification! However, your plan is to be all about banking and finance for the next 6-10 years, AND after that manage portfolios. You better be passionate about it, if you're going to do it for that long. You write that you expect financial security out of it, and to be respected and valued. Only you can respect and value yourself. I'm saying, definitely go through with this plan, because it is what you feel is best for you. But if you want to last, you better take serious steps to work through your childhood trauma. Running away doesn't work.

Thank you and good morning to you too That's funny, I actually did work out this morning. Overwhelmingly many folks I look up to recommend that.

7:33 Woke up, wondering why it's light out. Failure. Oops. After Toastmasters evening I rushed home and was home at 10pm, but had some wine and got to bed at 10:30 (I changed the time rule) Maybe even 1 glass of wine is disturbing my sleep. Anyway, these are just startup problems. I'm tired enough to go to bed reeeeal early today

Thank you for sharing that! I see many similarities. Even getting up 2 hours before work is hard, because in my mind the point is still just to go to work. But getting up way early to work for myself... that seems to motivate me much better! Even though I couldn't sleep, I was excited for the alarm to ring. Imagine that.

@dimitri Thank you for sharing that! The confirmation helps I do indeed think that it is one of the most crucial ones. I've underestimated it before. Knowing that makes it easier to sacrifice what gets in the way.

Instead of being judgmental and dismissive, you could take on clients that you deem "low-consciousness", and subtly raise their consciousness while working with them, whilst at the same time giving them what they want. Maybe that can be a motivating angle

None of those reasons have anything to do with banking and finance. You don't actually answer your question here, you're just listing your emotional baggage and needs.

4:57am. I'm here. It's dark and it's cold. But I'm doing this as a free man, not as a slave! No employer is making me do this. I made ramen noodles for breakfast, because I heard that's what entrepreneurs eat. ?????

I was in bed 2 minutes past 9. I'm going to count it. After 45 minutes, still no sleep, got up to brush my teeth (which I had skipped to be in bed on time) It is now 93 minutes later. I'm going to read Unscripted until I fall asleep. All this is expected

Have you seen the certification of your teachers? What did it look like?

Sleeping Schedule I've tried implementing the habit of getting up early before. I let go of it every time, because of social life: I would be hanging out with people, and it just didn't seem right to either kick them out, or force them to go to bed. So each weekend I would break the habit. It became a mess. Starting tonight, I will be in bed in silent darkness before 9 pm, and I will be up before 5 am. Reasons It is overwhelmingly recommended by entrepreneurs to work on your business before you do anything else, so you are at your freshest when doing the thing that matters most. I would love to be at my job and know that I've already spent two hours towards my goal. Much better than doing it super tired from work and gym. I have a long history of almost getting fired from places because I failed to wake up. It would be a real victory to finally be able to wake up like an adult, and break the limiting belief that I can't. I have found that almost every shitty day begins with getting up too late. Why I think I can succeed this time Sacrifice: I've given up nightlife for now. My social life will be constrained to the daytime. I've decided that being productive and working on my goals each day should come before everything else, so it is fine if my social life will suffer. Clear priorities: I have decided ahead of time that I will go to bed before 9 no matter where I am. If I'm staying with a friend, he'll have to be okay with that or I won't stay there. Same for when someone stays at my place: if they complain that they need me to stay up late with them, they can simply pack up. Of course I will try to be tactful and patient when explaining my motives, to increase the chance that people will be supportive. I have thought of the exceptions ahead of time. Exceptions On Toastmasters nights I am required to stay until 9:30-ish. I am going to try to be in bed at 10pm then, and if that doesn't work, make it ten thirty as a rule, or the best possible time. On vacations, I will skip this habit and pick it back up when I am back home. I will not consider this failure in any way. If I fail immediately for 3 consecutive days, I will pick less extreme times to start with, like 7am and 11pm. But for now, I'd like to try and jump in the cold water. Weekly Schedules + Scheduling Day Before I made another weekly schedule for this week and am restarting the habit. It goes together nicely with making daily schedules each night, so I'm adding that back in too. I missed 4 (!) weeks of this, but they're still in my system, and I find myself really missing it. I still instinctively write a to-do list for tomorrow sometimes. Also I've been taking action a lot, just not focused on a single project. I do feel overwhelmed, because I'm keeping obligations, deadlines, tasks and appointments with people in my head again. Interestingly, I'm able to handle that way better than before, my brain is reminding me a lot more, and my impulse to escape is much diminished. But it doesn't feel relaxed, because I'm working on everything at once. So I don't expect any problems there. We'll see how I do!!

Hey man, you accomplished a whole bunch of stuff! At this stage, reorganizing your life to be more conducive to your self-actualization is super important, more so than how many days in a row you worked out or whatever. Congratulations! What do you do, being self-employed, if I may be so curious? ?

Tiny Ritual I have a dreaded box of miscellaneous papers and things. Decided to attack it finally. Old bank statements, old student loan statements, letters I should have opened when I got them 2 years ago, but didn't because I was depressed and overwhelmed. Notes from university, the studies I never finished, but am still attached to. Blocks full of pages both sides scribbled with math, analysis, genetics, and some programming stuff for work. My old contract for work, first job that paid me more than minimum wage, I was so proud. My old agenda/calendar from that time. Browsed through it, found my ex girlfriend's attempt to take control of my scheduling, since I was failing. She had scribbled dates and times that she was available everywhere. I also found a page full of rules for me that we agreed on after one of our last fights. It was brutal. I'm throwing it all out. I'm saying goodbye to that guy I was then. Struggling. Trying to do the right thing. So much pain. I feel emotions coming up, so I decide to have a tiny ritual. I put on an emotional song and instantly cry. I find a stick of Palo Santo wood and set fire to it. My eyes closed and enjoying my tears, I dance around the room, spreading smoke wherever I feel it needs to go. And then it's gone. Poof. I feel less dead inside, more compassionate. I'm singing and my voice is free.

So??

Yes, multi tasking is the antithesis of concentration, it is destructive and it annoys me that it's even accepted as a valid concept in main stream culture. I'm also planning to cut it out completely, so join me. I've even gone so far as to not listen to anything, watch anything or read while I was eating. Just eating. It was weird but good mindful practice. I should reinstate that habit. But, please do explain to me how to eat and watch videos in the shower

??? This is your ego being shit scared to die, trying to control it and hoping it can 'learn to handle' it... nonono sir, at one point you will need to make the leap into the unknown

Such great examples of things to sacrifice! Pretty confronting to read, too ;P @Quicksilver If you are like me, this will probably trigger you and you will hate it, but you might come back to it in six months and realize that it had some truth to it:

Signing up for a group won't magically give you the time to practice meditation. Instead, look at your busy life. Anything you can sacrifice there?

I try to let go of the fantasy of reaching this final state where my lofty habits are permanent and effortless. Instead, I see myself as a goat that got stuck in a muddy ditch. Then the goat drags himself out of the ditch and keeps walking. But he slides back in the ditch many times again. And drags himself out. This will always happen. What actually changes is: The goat becomes stronger and more efficient at dragging himself out of the ditch, so he can spend more time on the path The goat becomes confident that he will always drag himself back out, as is his experience. Therefore, he spends less time moping and doubting, each time he slides down. @Alex bAlex I'm actually having a backlash right now, where the only difference habit-wise between me and a year ago would be that I don't smoke. All the meditation, exercising, scheduling, even brushing my teeth regularly is out the window. But I don't worry. Because I know the process, and it will go quicker this time.