flowboy

It's amazing how much clearer I feel. Even though today started stressful and angry, like most days where I don't wake up on time. I can code. And read. And understand. Cognize. Is it that I am not drinking the weird coffee at work, or is it that I'm not eating rye bread, or is it that I'm not eating sweetened yoghurt? Let me just have one cup of weird coffee to see if that fucks me up.

[6:50am] I had set my alarm for 5:00 am, because I wanted to work on something for the men's group. However at 5am I simply said: "this must be a mistake" and went back to bed, to be woken up at 6 by a different alarm. Which I ignored, because I'm still tired. And I feel like that was right. Setting the alarm early even though I'm not sleeping that early, is like an attempt to cheat myself out of sleep. I need to rebuild trust with myself here and go to bed at 9. More energy with less coffee Yesterday I only had 1 cup at home, and at work only drank tea. And... I had better focus, and did not feel like all my life energy was down the drain around 18:00! So drinking more than 1 cup actually takes energy away from me. It makes me crash after 18:00, feel depressed and crave alcohol. Granted, yesterday I also did not have the sugary yoghurt cup I sometimes get for breakfast at work. Not sure if it's the sugar, the dairy or some other ingredient in this heavily processed yoghurt, but it makes me feel like there's a blindfold tied too tight around my brain.

[6:38am] Alarm woke me up, I crawled back in because "it's cold and I'm tired" Which are true things, but I have to prioritize consistency here

[6:27] Jumped out of bed at 6:00 did not crawl back in now going for a run

Date went great, got home on time. Did not use time productively at all. Improved relationship though Tomorrow will be better

If this were a friend of mine saying this, I'd say: "well, what's the point of beating yourself up? What are you going to do about this?" So, yes let's be constructive. I'm going to cut my date for today short for 4 hours, to make up for the lost time. Yes, that seems quite punitive, but I shouldn't have planned a date at all looking at the amount of things I have to do. I need time to clean. Additionally, I'm going to at least clean up 10 emails and do some dishes before I leave.

That is just total lack of discipline. I had a schedule, but I chose to throw it out in favor of following an addiction. Biking all through the city looking for a shop that is open on Sundays. Madness. Reminds me of the days when I would get out of bed and get on my bike just to get cigarettes. During the frantic rush to the store, the only thing on my mind was lighting up, that crackling sound when the flame eats into the cigarette, followed immediately by a nauseating first buzz. That would make it all okay, I would project. Then I would light up, calm down and smoke while thinking about the great things I would do with my life "later". Well, it's later.

Feeling angry, frustrated with myself and desperate I had a schedule for my morning, but instead I spent AN HOUR biking to the city to get coffee, because I just couldn't do without that reward. God why am I such a pussy. At least I can still do 40 push-ups At least I meditated

[06:48] Crap... Got into a bad habit of deciding to get back into bed after shutting off the alarm. Told myself I would sleep in until 7, and start getting up earlier 'tomorrow'... And at 6:44 I finally stopped this nonsense.

Getting up at 6am So, I actually got some things done! It was quite gruelling to sit there and do admin stuff from this state that I'm in, which I described earlier. My body is contorting and twitching, I'm having all sorts of nervous tics. But I'm sitting here. Doing admin stuff. As well as made a new daily/weekly schedule that I believe in. I also decided to start getting up at 6:00 am Getting up at 7 I really have come to detest. No time in the morning. I'm barely awake and already I have to rush off to work. I loved having time to do a run and meditation in the morning, and check on the status of my website. It gave me a sense of control. Later I can bring it back to 5am. Hopefully soon. I liked it. That also means that I'm not going to keep sitting at my desk until 10:00, but stop at 9 Still suffering from an ever-growing todo list. I'm noticing that it's a systemic issue with me: I generate many many ideas, branches and details when I'm working on something. All of those feel important, while most are not. And then when I'm done with the task, all the related stuff is still there, so I'm never really done. Next to my ever-growing to-do list in an eisenhower matrix, I have a Kanban board with about 30 projects, which are also todo-lists. This is crazy. Almost all of those should be either archived or deleted. Might be the P in my myers-briggs (I'm speculating, haven't actually tested). Very inclined to perceive related things, not very inclined to tie up loose ends. My filesystem is fairly tidy, but has a huge amount of files hidden away from many years ago. This is also starting to bother me. I wonder how much time it will cost to go through it. Maybe I should just delete that stuff blind.

Oh man, I could use some of that right now. I have let the stress of contract negotiations and planning a move derail my routines. And now, I suffer. My expectations of where I'll be working and living in the next few months have changed on an almost daily basis, for a few weeks now. It's driving me nuts. But I'm going to stop letting it drive me nuts. No amount of uncertainty is an excuse to let go of the discipline to follow a plan. The discipline and workflow that I've been building, was really the most important thing I have. I need to get it back. Currently I'm in a terribly addicted state. Need to have constant voices playing (podcasts on youtube) to feel remotely sane and calm. When my own thoughts are so frantic, it's a relief to follow along with somebody else's. I'm checking my phone in the midst of sentences, hoping that one tiny dopamine hit of someone messaging me will somehow be my salvation. I'm listening to a podcast that I'm interested in, then all of the sudden I will start reading something and try to do both. It makes no sense. At work, I'm gorging on coffee, depending on that frantic buzz to make me productive, after which I go way overboard and spend a lot of time crashing and recuperating. At home, I'm washing half a dish, see some dust on the floor and start to pick it up. I'm desperate for quick wins, boosts of accomplishment. But my energy is not directed at one particular thing. Losing focus is really the equivalent of tapping out. When circumstances stress you out so much that you'll betray your plan instead of adapt it, the circumstances have won and you have lost. So get back up. Stick to the plan. As long as you're faithful to your own plan, you're still on track to win. Talking to myself here guys. Therefore, I have decided to not leave my desk the rest of the day, until 10:00. I have made food for after. I have put bottles of water here. I will only leave my desk to go pee, and for the one walking break I will do outside at 16:45pm.

Musings on LSD about Rules and being Controlling Context: I was tripping on 1p-LSD with 2 friends. At some point I decided to accept the offer to smoke weed. I noticed how it took away from clarity, and brought about a doubtful state of mind. So I decided: okay, no more weed. Then my attention went to this pattern of neurotically making a rule, as a response to noticing some adverse affects. I wrote down the following: Controlling!!! No this, No that. It's a tradeoff, to not have to feel into every moment what is right. instead the rule corrupts you: "if we go against our gut now, we can get pleasure." So then later we create a rule: no chocolate. But that's still a deal with the devil!! A deal to not have to feel. I think I was on point there. What I meant is that sticking to rules is not a solution to the problem of choosing pleasure over health. It only seems that way. Actually, what happens is that the promise of pleasure 'corrupts' my decision making when I do it: I smoke something, or eat excessive chocolate, while actually feeling in my gut that I shouldn't. Then to counter that, there is the neurotic impulse to make a 'no more' rule that I always have to stick to. This provides a false sense of security. Actually, this is just as corrupt of a situation, because now I have committed to listen to the rule instead of listen to my gut. So I'm no better off neurotically sticking to rules, than indulging in whatever addiction I'm trying to get away from. Because the rules only strengthen the habit of ignoring my gut feeling. Maybe in some moments it makes sense to have a bit of chocolate. If I feel that it is right, I should trust that feeling. Of course there is the argument that you need shortcuts to not expend all your mental energy on little decisions like that. But I would argue that positive habits do most of that work. The habit of eating vegetables. The habit of only buying things that I believe are good for me. Those are different from rules: I am only allowed to buy what is on the healthy list. I am only allowed to eat vegetables. Same intended outcome, different energy behind it. I think it is possible to feel into a moment when it is right to eat some sweets, and then also detect when it is becoming addictive behaviour, or turning into a habit and stopping it. Using gut feeling.

Today, I was able to listen to a coworker give a rant about Steve Jobs that I heavily disagreed with... without correcting him once! I could just feel the disagreement building up, say "Mhm" and take it in a direction I liked better! I will call this progress.

So I decided to move to a big city, and am overall feeling very certain and positive about that decision. However there is some serious fear coming up. It was hard to work today, because of this pit of panic in my stomach. The fear is mostly about ending up homeless and broke, having found a job but no house. I would hate to have a job I can't even make it to. Or spend all my free hours travelling back and forth, feeling completely trapped. Then there's the negotiating salary part, which I thought I was good at...until the pressure was put on me. Now there's a recruiter pressuring me to sign with them, and I wanna cave sooo bad, but I also have an experienced friend advising me to not take their first offer. I can barely think straight, with the homelessness worries and everything. I even felt sick to my stomach, just out of stress and fear. Now don't get me wrong: I take all of this as a very good sign! A sign that I'm doing something substantial. Allowing the fear to be there. Daring to live in an uncomfortable state. It also makes me feel alive. And I know that it's good for my growth. And tolerating this state, even making it my new normal, would contribute to my success, I think. However: last night I woke up at 4:00 for no fucking reason at all. Feeling pretty stressed, like it was time to do something. This has not happened to me since ever, I only heard about other people experiencing this stress symptom. Gotta learn to relax. Meditate, even when (my mental projections say) the walls are crumbling and the ground is collapsing under me. If I don't relax, I won't make it.

@bejapuskas Well one example would be, I took a really expensive workshop last year (Primal childhood deconditioning intensive). I knew it was going to be very hard work physically and emotionally. I did not believe that I needed it. I thought the concept was interesting, and I would do it 'someday'. But there were several friends/connections whom I trusted, who told me how it was the best thing they ever did for themselves. And right then, I decided to go with trusted friends' recommendations over my own rationalizations. I felt scared and not ready, but decided that advice from trusted people with experience should weigh heavier than imaginations from me, having not experienced it. That, combined with Leo's video on how to discern intuitions, helped my decision making a lot. The workshop uncovered and "burned" many self esteem issues that I wasn't even aware I had. Among many benefits, I have better access to self-love now, and it's changing the course of my life radically. So it was a good decision. Even though I had thought that I should wait. Currently I'm in the middle of moving to Amsterdam. I made the decision very quickly (within 2 days and a sleepless night), cried through all my resistance and attachments to comfort, and now, a few days later, I'm excited and in the planning stages. I suppose that would be the best example of a "just do it" mindset. But since it's going on right now, it's too early to say what the results are. I've struggled a lot and finally built a life here that works. I have structure, routine, a good job, a lot of free time, a purpose, the right friends, a non-messy apartment (finally), everything is running like a well oiled machine after years of struggling with chaos. So I'm reluctant to give that up out of investment bias. But some events transpired that made it obvious that I just live here because I live here. There are places with better opportunities and culture for the sort of goals that I have, and I'm not taking advantage of that because of investment bias and inertia. It took a lover leaving and a firm talking to by a wise friend to shake me enough to see it. Again, I'm using the same process to make a decision: people whom I love and trust very much and are further along on the path that I want say that it is good It feels like the choice that is closer to evolution versus stagnation. If it feels like a vote for development instead of comfort, I equate that with my intuiting telling me it's right. I'm scared and I don't want to, but that's irrelevant now because of the above points.

You can move or you can stay. Your problem is not your location, your real problem is your victim mentality. Observe how you argue yourself into the ground, making the point over and over that you are powerless and have no control. I counted at least 7 statements of victimhood in your last post... can you spot them? I feel for you. It sucks to be mentally stuck like that. I was like that once. It can only get better from here. But don't let yourself get distracted by your emotional reaction to what I said. We're all trying to help. You'll pull through this, but you need to open your mind. Watch these (again) and really try your best to not go into anger and resistance but pay attention. I love you and I think you deserve to have what you want. ?

I bet you didn't try hard enough. Did you apply to 100 gigs? Do you have an awesome portfolio and profile? Do you work at it every day? You have a way to make money from freelancing, that's great! Don't half-ass it now. Go all out.

What is a meaningful education? Which one? Did you start one? How did it go? If something went wrong, what? How will you prevent that in the future? Make what of yourself? If you don't know these answers, how can you be successful? What is success? Succeeding. Succeeding at what? Do you see the problem here? I recommend doing a proper retrospective at what you were trying to achieve, what went wrong, and what to learn from that. After that, becoming way, way more goal oriented! That means, defining clearly what you are trying to do. Right now you are so vague, it's impossible to even know what succeeding would look like! Apart from that, I think moving cities is fine. I say do it. Nothing wrong with fresh starts. Doesn't matter how many it takes, really. But I think that you need to formulate a more specific goal than making "something" of yourself. There is immense happiness to be gained from having a defined goal. Then you can track your progress, and feel proud of your achievement so far! Also, once you have a goal, during the pursuit of that you will meet people with similar goals. And you will get along with them, because of those similarities. Socialization problem solved.

Congratulations! I had a "just do it" feeling when I read these posts...good to see you've made a decision. Personally I've been a massive overanalyzer when it comes to these decisions. Ironically, months of overanalyzing have often still resulted in decisions on studies that I wanted out of only a few months later. So now I try to go with the gut, heart, intuition, all that. I recognize feeling/identifying as naive. I think that is a good thing. I might be projecting, but what I think we have in common is being naturally wary of groupthink. Not assimilating the popular beliefs automatically, which enables us to keep a fresh view and think out of the box and all that. To box thinkers, that's going to come off as naive or even dumb sometimes. Nothing to be done about that. Except see for yourself. Which is what you're going to do! Awesome! Is this you? https://www.belbin.com/about/team-role-spotlight-plant/

I was in a regular remote stand-up meeting with our customer recently when one of their employees came out and said that he had been suffering from depression. I was surprised to encounter this level of honesty, depth and vulnerability in a routine business call. I felt some fear for him. They asked him what they could do to support him. He said, surprisingly, he wanted more work assigned to him, so he could feel more useful. The managers decided to make him take 1.5 week vacation first, to recover, and then they promised to take better care to assign him good work. Now, he seems way happier and even laughs sometimes during meetings.

You are not in a relationship. There is no action that you can take to remedy this. Therefore, stop fantasizing and pop this bubble. Be nice to yourself. Unfollow her on instagram. Delete your conversations with her. Remove any reminders. Delete her on facebook, snapchat, everything. She probably won't message you, but if she does, don't reply. See, because in that way you make room for something real. You don't have space for a real relationship with a person who cares about you, if you spend energy on this fantasy with someone who doesn't care. Delete everything. Make space for a real relationship, with someone who lives at a reasonable distance, and cares about you and respects you. Probably you'll find that you will have to care about yourself and respect yourself a bit more, first, before such a thing can work. Trust the process ?

I was about to masturbate and cum, but then I stopped. I sat down, just meditated and I noticed a strong desire to create. Create, create, create. Solve the money problem and then keep creating. Forever. One idea after another. Getting over the addiction to sex and masturbation is worth it, for the sake of creativity.

As much as I'd like things to be different, I do not have time to have sex with everybody. Some day I'm going to die. (I'm assuming - thanks Leo) and I am going to accomplish some stuff before that.

Thoughts upon seeing hot girl Do I want to fuck her? > YESSS Do I want to fuck her more than I want to be successful? > Aaaahhh...crap. Why'd you have to put it like that! NO!

28/01 Tasks processed off the list: 3 What went well: Made a lot of progress planning my vacations for this year. The options drive me crazy, and there is guilt because it's not important. Had a good workout, and a more efficient one: started alternating pairs of exercises in the same place. It saves much time. Was awake and not sleepy well before the alarm went off! Had not forgotten to set the loud alarm, but did not need it Nice mutually inspiring conversation with friend today. We motivate each other. It's awesome. The extremely hot girl I slept with awhile ago, apparently did not lose her interest in meeting me, despite my awkward attempts at conversation. She's just a poor communicator (like me, haha) so you never know from a text. But when do you ever. I'm going to meet her again, even though it's a risk to my discipline because she triggers my hedonism. Let me live a little, guys. I deserve it. What went poorly: Went to gym half hour late, because working on something. Decided to finish workout anyway and get groceries, which made me 45 minutes late for my last work session. Got groceries by hand. I want to have them delivered, shopping is a waste of time How will I prevent that from now on: The consistent tightness in the gym workout schedule is fixed by combining the pairs of exercises, as I mentioned. Beside that, I will just practice even stricter punctuality.