Thittato

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Posts posted by Thittato

  1. Posted

    Sat for 30 min more, so altogether 2 hours of meditation today. I did a good session of weight-lifting before this last session, then I went into the shower and had my second cold shower (always warm first) for the day. So nice to do weight-lifting again. I did a session about 10 days ago as well. Hasn’t been much yoga after I commited to 45 min of meditation per day, and I was starting to look a bit strong because of all that yoga I used to do, but probably weight-lifting is a much better way to increase my muscle mass and staying fit at the same time, and also it really boosts my sense of masculinity, so I will look more into it. Maybe it is easier to combine weight-lifting and meditation than yoga and meditation, because there are limits to how much contemplative stuff I can do per day.

  2. Posted

    Today I meditated for 1,5 hour.

    This woman that invited me to visit her for a weekend at her place suddenly had a lot of anxiety around this invitation and needed more time to figure out if she was ready for this. I just wrote her that I totally understood and it was probably very normal to feel like this since we've only met once. But then I started to get stressed out around this uncertainty around this situation, and I started to feel very rejected, so it was very nice to dissolve all this stress through meditation. Mediation feels extremly powerful when I'm able to land something like this inside of myself. There will probably be new waves coming since I'm not sure yet what to do. Should I call her and try to influence her and possible make her feel safe? Or should I just give her space and let her figure it out on her own? Or am I not so interested anymore since this woman obviously has some serious anxiety issues? I feel like we have been talking a lot already, and nothing I have said has made her feel more relaxed. I can understand that there are some problems around inviting a man she doesn't know so well into her home for a whole weekend on the other side of the country, but she has also revealed that she has a lot of issues around her own bounderies, and it seems like she has some very serious issues around men. The positive side of this is that she is able to speak very openly and friendly around this. She seems like a genuinly friendly person. She doesn't like close off and becomes hard. She becomes afraid and tells that in an open and friendly way and asks for more time. So that is both some very positive qualities but at the same time she is very overwhelmed about this. I guess ideally I would have liked to meet someone who has this same openness, friendliness and vulnerability, but who was a little bit less sucked into her own anxiety. I'm pretty sure that had I met the right woman, given how much we have already interacted, the right woman would have by now totally felt that this man is safe to be around and he is someone that will respect my boundaries.

    But I guess that for now I will just have to keep it open and see what happens. I might get surprised one way or another. It is a nice situation to trigger out all my own insecurities around dating and find a way to relax and soften around them through meditation. If this is not the right woman, perhaps I'm doing the groundwork through the way I deal with this through meditation to become more ready myself for meeting the right one. I guess that is exactly what "exposure therapy" is - inviting trigger situations into ones life and to face them head on with better mental tools for learning to calm down the fear.

  3. Posted

    11 hours ago, flume said:

    Hi^_^ I just randomly clicked on your journal and wanted to tell you how much I can relate to what you wrote here:

    I've actually had the same experience. There was a man in my life who would have been the perfect match for me... On paper. We got along so well, could talk for hours and the attraction was totally there. A crazy lot of it even. Still there was something missing. It's like there was some kind of barrier that kept everything weirdly impersonal. Like I knew that it wouldn't touch my heart if we were to get closer. I wonder if these people (or us?) just aren't open for a relationship and somehow closed off... Or if it's just a mismatch and with someone else these feelings would totally be there.

    Anyways, was good to read that I'm not alone.

    Have a lovely day and keep up the good work^_^

    Hello! Thank you for dropping by ^_^

    I appreciate very much that you could relate with this. Yeah, weirdly impersonal is a very good way to describe it. I find even the personal stuff somehow gets weirdly impersonal in such a situation. It is like one is not relating directly towards each other in a way, or maybe only on an intellectual level, but the body and heart is closed off, even if there is a lot of attraction. I think people can be very good at getting as close as they can possibly get without risking anything - I'm probably like that as well in many situations.

  6. Posted

    Gosh. I was on a stand-up show tonight. And of course I accidentaly meet my super-hot co-worker there which I had a crush on before we became co-workers. We are just getting super-bestfriends more and more, and I know we both like each other. And after the show we end up just the two of us drinking together until closing-time just really bonding super-much over all the different therapeutic processes going on both inside of ourselves and at our job. At the end when we part we give each other a super-good hug, and she kiss her fingers and point them towards me as we leave. Still, there is just something between us that makes it impossible for me to break the friendzone. I don't know why, but I just keep it safe in that zone, even though we have just such a really awesome chemistry. We're just laughing and talking very deeply at the same time the whole evening. But that woman that I was on a date with - that barrier is not there the same way. I don't know why. But I think she is more dedicated to actually finding a partner. She really really wants to dedicate herself towards a partner. She is fed up with fooling around. She wants to actually live together with someone and dedicate herself to that process. So yeah, there is actually no doubt in my heart that my co-worker is my friend and my Tinder-date is my romantic prospect. I was just currious why that was so, but the answer is pretty obvious. With my Tinder-date, I could really access her emotions. She said she had been touched to tears two times so far in our interaction - not that she started crying, as I understood it, but you know, that feeling when your eyes get wet. She is just so much more accessible with her emotions. Or the chemistry between us makes me able to connect with her feelings on a deeper level. I'm willing to risk getting rejected by her, but that is because she is taking that same risk. We reach out to each other, again and again, but in a tempo that is in a good rythm with each other. She is also very vulnerable. She doesn't have those layers of protection that make me find her un-accessible. I guess I'm just really impressed by her depth, dedication and openness. I took a huge risk yesterday by telling her I liked her, and she responded by inviting me to come visit her, but then she became afraid and had to think about it some more before she could commit to that invitation, but it only took until the morning next day (today) before she could commit to that invitation - I guess the way I responed to her fear coming up made her feel safe. I'm old enough by now to know that women usually feel a lot of doubt in a process like this, and the only thing I can continue to do is to just show up, be open, and not energetically demand anything from them. If they feel that you require something from them they will feel very unsafe and they will close up again, but if you just give them openness and presence, they will continue to open up deeper and deeper according to whatever the potential between us are. And I have to be honest as well, and by being honest that also means that I will have to communicate my attraction when there is an attraction there. And that can easily be communicated in a fun and light-hearted way without any demands or requirements.

  7. Posted

    45 min meditation today as well. Pretty difficult to keep this going in the midst of a potential romantic encounter haha..... I called this woman yesterday. She was actually open to me coming to live at her place for a couple of days, but she was also very afraid of that possibilty, so she kind of halfway invited me, but she said she needed to think about it. It is 6 hours driving away from where I live, so it is a bit of a commitment given that we've only met once. Early this morning she sent me a message saying that she would like me to visit, so I had obviously managed to make her feel safe around this, which is pretty cool. Todays meditation was just a lot of processing around the logistics of this. It was hard to keep my focus on making the meditation go deeper.

    On the phone yesterday, we spoke for 1,5 hour, for the first part of the conversation it was friendzone I think, but then for the last half of the conversation it changed into man to woman dynamic. Actually I'm pretty impressed by how easy-going I was around actually being open about my attraction to her and making it into light and fun flirting.

  9. Posted

    So glad I did that 1,5 hour long sit this morning, and that I'm ahead with my meditation schedule. I was very worn down this morning as I woke up, partly because my sleep cycle is very interrupted because of working night-shifts (it is really not so good for me), partly because I continue to be over-social these days as people are out enjoying the sun and there is very little corona in my part of the country so people are pretty unconcerned, partly because I've been working with a very demanding patient suffering from a manic psychosis episode (he really sucks all the life-juice out of me), and partly because of this date I was on which is also very demanding for me because I'm mobilizing so much energy to keep up with it and analyze what my next step should be and developing a bond with a woman like that, even though we've only been on one date so far, takes a lot of energy and triggers a lot of both enthusiasm and fear and everything - it is a rollercoaster - and often a type of rollercoaster I'm usually glad to not have in my life - but the longing for having a deep relationship with someone I care very much about is also very strong. So all these things has been taxing my energy quite a lot, but this 1,5 hour sit this morning was really re-charging, and I'm so fortunate to have this source of renewable energy inside of me.

    I'm going to chill out with a really nice and chill buddy tonight, just making some food together, and now I'm just going to lie in my bed and relax some more before that is happening.

    But basically it feels like this discipline is just exactly what I need to burn all this stress out of my system. I think I'm just clearing up more and more for every week that goes.

  10. Posted

    Ah! Finally. Did a double-session this morning of 45 min x 2 of sitting meditation, so now I'm back on track regarding my discipline for this month. I almost regretted having made this commitment of 45 min of meditation per day for one more month, but now this is the day nr. 11 that is completed, so now I feel well into it, and the groove is going strong.

    I've met a new woman by the way. We've only been on one date so far. She was here in my city for a vacation, and she came by for a coffee on her way home back to where she lives 6 hours driving from here. This was on tuesday. It was a very nice meeting. We've been keeping steadily in touch since this. Actually she was the first one to write me after we had met telling me it was really nice to meet me and if I was ever nearby I was very welcome to drop by for a coffee, and I get the feeling she is investing in this interaction. I think meditation has helped me a lot in presenting a much more honest, grounded and down-to-earth version of myself this time than what happened with my previous date. To that other woman I was presenting a guy who was in too much process and who was just all over the place and who was lacking any clear direction - exactly what she wrote she wasn't looking for, hahha...

    There is a really nice feeling right now that I would really like to have a girlfriend again, and that I'm getting closer to becoming ready for it, but that there is no rush. This woman seems really promising. I like her a lot, and I already have a crush on her. But mostly I'm just glad that so far the interaction seems to be going so much better then that the disaster my last date was. I have this pattern of falling in love waaaay to quickly, and then I can easily become too intense too quickly, combined with another pattern of pulling away from the whole thing because it just feels too stressful, so that creates some kind of confusing ON / OFF thing that is sabotaging a more natural unfolding of whatever potential is there in the interaction. Totally what happened last time. So lets just see how it goes this time :-)

  11. Posted

    Crap. I did 70 min of meditation yesterday, and now I'm dead tired and have only meditated 20 min so far, which means I'm still 45 min behind on my schedule. I thought I was going to do that double-session yesterday, but somehow time just ran away. Or it didn't just ran away. My discipline faced some challenges, just like it did today. But OK, tomorrow I will do that double-session.

  12. Posted

    45 min of meditation yesterday and today. On monday I missed my sit, so I will have to sit for two 45 min sessions one of these days. Hopefully tomorrow. I had a lot of resistance towards meditation today and I was fed up with this whole project, but immediately when I sat down the momentum was really strong so it was really nice. I still get identified with the resistance when it happens, buying into the story it tells me that I need something else than this. But when I remember to open up fully to the resistance it gets processed. But ok, so far in this program I have only missed one day, and I can easily manage to do a double-session one of these days, so I'm keeping up.

  13. Posted · Edited by Thittato

    45 min yesterday as well (I'm writing this having just arrived home after having worked night-shift). I was far from "beautiful stillness" this sit, and it felt like I was sliding around in the subtle slipperiness where the meditation is pleasant, or mildly pleasant, but it doesn't really develop further into a sense of much greater clearity. I felt disappointed when I ended the sit because of how fresh in memory the meditation before this was and the contrast was huge. But then, as I went about my day, I realized it was really nice to feel disappointed. So I was just enjoying that feeling - because there is a freedom in letting go of demanding something from ones meditation. And I think that is actually a much greater experience than getting into some impressive temporary state. I'm so fed up with chasing these impressive meditative states. It seems, again and again, like I have very little control over when they arise. So I'm going to work more on letting go of my expectations. Just being open to whatever experience the present moment brings.

  14. Posted

    45 min meditation today as well. Today I went deep into what I call «beautiful stillness.» It was so nice. When the mind gets still, before it gets really still, there is some tendency for some kind of subtle slipperiness to sneak in, which is difficult to see through, because it is so comfortable so it is easy to just sit there in that comfort and hover around the meditation object without really being fully on it, but today I managed to go beyond this slipperiness into beautiful stillness. The secret is to not get intoxicated by the comfort I realized, but to always go into whatever is still there of suffering however subtle it might be - that keeps things sharp, and that subtle suffering gets released by exposing oneself to it, and when it is released the meditation goes deeper. The type of suffering I’m working with in this landscape is just whatever kind of subtle resistance / aversion / restless / boredom I can find regarding the present moment. It often flies under the radar, and that is when I get side-tracked, so I just got to keep on keeping it sharp and focused by being intent on nailing it, because that is what gives rise to those beautiful states which is a side-product of the meditation going well.

  15. Posted

    On 2.7.2020 at 6:36 PM, dimitri said:

    Years go by and you are still meditating - just fucking amazing. Keep going ❤️???

    Hehe yes! Ufortunately, or fortunately, there has always been enough suffering in my life to keep the motivation going regarding this practice ?

    Thank you for the encouragement - it is very appreciated ❤️???

  16. Posted · Edited by Thittato

    One more month of 45 min of meditation per day

    45 min meditation today as well. It was very pleasurable. Today I felt there was only a little tiny bit of subtle slipperiness left before my mind would have been rock solid still. But that slipperiness is really hard to penetrate through, because there must be some very subtle boredom or restlessness or aversion towards the present moment going on, but it is almost not possible to notice it, so it is difficult to see through it in order to go even deeper. But I think just the willingness, and the awareness of it, and also at the same time to just give it time to mature on its own, and it will start to go deeper by itself.

    But this month of June that I have been having 45 min of meditation per day as my discipline has been really good, and I'm eager to go deeper with this focus, so I will extend it for one more month.

  17. Posted

    45 min meditation yesterday and today as well. Some cycle of resistance and aversion that seems to have been released today. Yesterday it felt pretty vulnerable and difficult, and in todays meditation I went deep into all the aversion I was feeling and I was getting a sense of owning it, and now I feel released.

  18. Posted

    45 min sitting meditation today before I went to work. I was using the technique "mental noting" as described yesterday, and my meditation was a lot sharper becaue of this. The technique in itself also builds a lot of energy which I can re-direct back into the meditation.

    Also, it is raining today, which is pretty nice. I must have compensated heavily for the lack of socializing during lockdown when I was out partying so much last week haha..... So now it is really nice to just be home and listen to the rain outside and enjoy the fruits of my meditation practice. My heart feels at ease.

  19. Posted

    45 min meditation today as well. First 30 min walking, and then 15 min sitting.

    I'm noticing I'm still more distracted than what I actually think I should be, so I'll return to my basic technique, which is making mental notes of my experience, for instance: "imaging thought," "seeing," "hearing," "conversation thought," "memory thought," "itching," "pain," "joy," well-being," etc.

    When the momentum and/or interest is strong enough I can note these phenomena without mental labels, and it is about seeing my whole experience of phenomena start to break down into flowing vibrations, like "pain" for instance - it can seem like a solid lump of something unpleasant, but when you go into it and start to experience it deeply you will see that it actually has some movement to it, and there more you study it the more it will start to break down into fine vibrations of phenomena just flowing around in enourmous numbers.

    Right now this is happening pretty much already with most of my phenomena, but still there is some distractedness going on at the same time, so that means I need to sharpen up my technique by returning to basics.

  20. Posted

    45 min today as well. First 20 min walking and then 25 min sitting. It felt very powerful, but I was kind of distracted at the same time. Like the energy starts to flow and my posture is very erect and open, and my mind is enough on the meditation object to continue to build this energy, but the focus is not good enough so that the mind lands on the meditation object, it kind of just hovers around - which is kind of strange in one way because it is very comfortable to meditate in this state and the meditation object is really intriguing, but somehow the commitment to let go off distractions are not strong enough to really land on the meditation object. But I guess this in itself is an energy. Landing cannot be forced. I just have to be grateful that the energy felt powerful and positive. Landing will happen quicker if I just allow this state to be as it is - to not add any extra stress to it by telling myself it should have been different.

  21. Posted · Edited by Thittato

    Gosh. That cold-shower was exactly what I needed. Thank you, Wim Hoff <3, for a really awesome contribution to my spiritual path. It wasn't even cold anymore. I mean, it is almost July by now, so I guess that makes sense. But this is the first time I've really felt like "Oh my gosh, the edge of the coldness is gone now." I guess today has been an exceptionally warm day. In a way, since I have been working on cold-exposure since at some point during last fall, which reached a strong climax when I was swimming in the sea a lot during January when it was snow here, and when that kick was over I was gradually moving over to cold-showers instead which I have been keeping up, and now the edge of the coldness is totally gone, I would say that now I have officially been fully riding out my first wave of cold exposure therapy. I guess we will have to see whether I'll jump on the next wave coming, but I might, but anyways, this has really been a really awesome contribution to my path. It has helped me in so many ways I find it hard to make a summary of it - but perhaps the most obvious thing, and perhaps most important, that cold exposure therapy can teach us is that salvation lies in going into what we resist. It has really supported me in bridging this realization into my meditation. It is easy to see this on an intellectual level, but still this tendency to oppose our resistance has so deep roots. It is really some kind of primal force, somehow, this resistance. And I'm far from over it, yet. But the willingness to just go into it, again, and again, and again, has really been multiplied, and I give a lot of thanks to cold exposure therapy for the support it has given to my meditation practice regarding this.

  22. Posted

    And while I'm in the spirit of sharing pictures I got to share the picture we took from yesterdays jam-session as well. This is me sitting there with my drum together with two really cool girls who it was just totally awesome to jam with. I love that picture. Probably my favourite summer-picture so far. The guy who took it is so amazing. He has really inspired me when it comes to music. I'm going to meet him again on sunday when we are going to a mantra circle together. Then I will tell him how much I appriciate what he has done inspiring me with inviting us to come jam together outdoors next to the ocean. This was our third jam-session together after he started inviting us. So perhaps now you can understand, or maybe now I can understand, that even if I get a little bit tired from all this socializing, when I just surrender into it and allow it to happen, then there are so many magicial moments out there just waiting to be experienced. So I'm really glad I'm putting a little bit of conscious effort into this. Of course, spending time alone can also be really magical, especially when alone-time is fired up by a solid meditation-practice, so there isn't really an either-or, but more a both-and, so yeah, whatever happens, just trust your inclination and go with the flow. Sometimes you need rest, sometimes you need to push yourself a little bit extre, and trust that rest is always available by just sinking into this precent moment, because this is always where our batteries will ultimately be re-charged anyways.

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  23. Posted

    45 min sitting meditation today as well. Lots of resistance. But still it felt good. I felt very tired. Didn't want to socialize today. But I was asked to come play Chess with a guy I really admire, and it turned out to be the best Chess-evening ever. I was even beating the shit out of one guy who is usually far better than me in Chess. Some kind of spiritual shit kicked in in my game. I was on top of my game. At first I was playing with this guy that I really admire, and he is just so far better than me that out of the 70 + games we've played with each other in total I've only won once. So he is not that guy I was beating the shit out of tonight, obviously. But playing against him for 2-3 hours first, and then when I met the rest of the gang, I was really primed for playing well because I totally accept that I will loose when playing against someone that good - but it is really my attitude that carries me through - the willingness to loose again and again without loosing my spirit. I've been drinking a lot tonight, but at the end of the night I just felt an enourmous presence - which I still feel. This game of Chess - this is FUCKING magic.

    I really enjoy what I wrote yesterday, because, even though I was kind of complaining, those reflections really helped me find some rest even while I was hanging out with all those people. I was like pulling aside, ordering some food and something to drink, and just sitting there relaxing when I needed to while the others were having fun, and it really re-charged me. It was EXTREMLY interesting to see that I can find some good rest even while I'm hanging out with people, and they don't even need to notice.

    I'm wondering what I need to do calm down aften an evening like this. First of all I totally need to drink a lot of water. But I was thinking maybe I should go for a little bit of rollerblading but that would be to exaggerate - I'm pretty worn down now even though I'm flowing on this manic flow buzz. But I think simply a warm shower ended with a solid good cold shower would be the perfect way to round off this evening, so that is what I will do.

    Here are some pictures from tonight. Lots of other people were involved - but this is tonights main-crew.

    Love and gratitude to you all <3

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  24. Posted

    45 min today as well. No walking, just sitting-meditation. Good flow.

    Gosh, I've been a little too social lately.

    This has been a problem before when my mediation starts to go well. Somehow my social vibe also starts to go really well simultanously.

    I guess I just shouldn't make this into a problem. When I feel overwhelmed I'll just feel into it.

    I like to push things too. Like how many people can I hang out with and still feel chill about it. Maybe if I just don't expect it to always be so totally awesome, then I can just be some nice and friendly guy who shows up here and there. I don't need to be the center of the party always. It is that all or nothing kind of thing that operates. And I can always leave early when I've had my dose.

    I'm feeling less overwhelmed now as I write this.

    Maybe I should also give up that attitude of getting something out of people. I only need to share my presence, and enjoy other peoples presence. I don't think it is really about feeling connected to others either, even if that of course is important. But the most important thing is feeling connected to myself. And that happens when I'm true to my spiritual path - which right now is meditating 45 min per day.