Thittato

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Posts posted by Thittato

  2. Posted

    45 min meditation today. The meditation was very good. Felt like this huge contraction I had in my body had dissolved, and the energy was flowing very freely. Yesterday it was burning emotional pain from that date that didn't work out. When I meditated today it was mild grief, and like this strong shock had turned into softer emotions that seemds to be flowing. However, I had very little energy after the meditation, so I went back to bed again, and now I'm feeling pretty depressed. I will try to just stay in the depression and not fight it.

    It really sucks that I did such a bad job on this date when it seemed like we both wanted it to work out so much. There was tons of mixed signals in all directions. I guess, even though we both liked each other so much, we must have both projected at lot of fears and insecurities into the field between us, so that we must have both felt very restricted within this field between us. I imagine had I just kissed her in the right moments the blocked energy between us would have dissolved and magic would have appeared, but I was getting so into my head of operating within this restricted energy. It is kind of very strange that we also had a lot of fun and enjoyed each others company so much, but I guess we were both trying our best to get as close to each other as we could.

    I don't understand why I keep attracting such dysfunctional dating-situations into my life. It feels like I've done so much work on myself. But I guess the energy I'm sending out is still somewhat chaotic. And that is why I'm having this 3 month project of meditating 45 min per day. My spiritual journey these last years has still been somewhat colored by my ADHD-tendencies jumping back and forth between various types of practice, so it is good that now I have decided to stick with my meditation-practice again, and probably I just haven't gotten completely to the roots of these patterns. I still haven't landed in myself, so I attract others with this same type of chaos.

    I'll probably be glad that I'm getting a challenge like this as part of my 3 month meditation project. This project was going very well, so when I've healed from the hurt feelings I experience right now I'm sure the benefits will be even clearer.

    I'll do one more session of 45 min now just to really allow myself to feel this depression fully.

  3. Posted

    30 more min of meditation today, so altogether 2 hours. I think I was able to burn through this shit. At least the first wave of it. Me and a really good friend was out on the open ocean with his speed-boat jumping on pretty awesome waves. And then we went and did a 30 min meditation together at an island where this light-house is situated:

    116869519_659554601313086_978892792327989266_n.jpg

  4. Posted

    2 x 45 min meditation today. I'm going to do more sessions today. It burns really hard. This weekend last weekend I was spending together with that woman I was dating, I screwed it up really hard in hindsight. I get into a very disempowered state when I fall in love with someone, and there was a lot of opportunities for kissing her and probably getting sexual - like we where sitting in front of a fire after having played guitar together and shared some beers, and I was holding around her and she was leaning her head against my shoulder. And the next day we were lying in the sun holding hands on top of a mountain top. It was a very good and fun vibe between us, but also a lot of insecurity. It feels so bad when it is this close to getting really romantic but then I just get really paralyzed because of my own sense of disempowerment and I totally just become a shadow of my own power. She can't have felt much of my masculinity at all. I spoke with her yesterday, and she totally wasn't up for anything more because she didn't feel it. All it would have taken would have been to kiss her in the right moment. I'm sure magic would have opened up between us then. But I failed. And now I can only let it burn.

    To make some positive meaning out of this I just got to see it as interesting that also this experience becomes a part of this 3 months of daily meditation project. This is exposure therapy for me. I always get into a very disempowered state when I get a crush on someone. And hopefully this burning I'm experiencing right now is also bringing with it a purification that helps me stay in a much more empowered state the next time I really like someone.

    I sensed in both these meditations today that the burning pain was turning into burning power and passion.

    And I was enough in my center to actually get very close to this woman. I would have screwed it up much quicker if I hadn't been keeping this meditation-discipline going. But still, it was just not enough.

    Got to continue to purify myself so that I can actually really like someone and also be in a much more empowered state at the same time.

    I'll do one more meditation right now to feel even deeper into the burning pain.

  7. Posted

    45 min today as well. Now I'm pretty hyped for this last month of this 3 month project of 45 min meditation per day. Todays meditation was pretty good. I was visiting a woman I met on Tinder this weekend who lives in another part of the country, and it was a prettty mixed experience, but I've been able to meditate through the whole thing, both the build up to our meeting, and the landing after it, and it feels like it has supported me a lot. Actually I'm pretty hyped about how much it has supported me. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue to see her, but it feels like the meditation just helps me a lot in just keeping it open without stressing anything. I think we both need some time to process that weekend before any of us will feel inclined towards more contact, and after todays meditation I finally feel landed again and returned back into my daily life.

  8. Posted · Edited by Thittato

    6 hours ago, Artsu said:

    After reading your intro about sub personalities i decided to see if i could spot them, so i had a quick look.

    I guess because this blog is for a specific purpose, you're sticking mainly to your primary personality type, ISFJ. So it starts with the routine ("45 minutes...") and then gets to the people, and so on.

    I saw you break the pattern a couple times with ISFP posts. Given your focus on computer metaphors, there might be a strong NT personality in there too, but i havent spotted it yet.

    I did notice a post where you wrote as an ISFJ, but with a heavy focus on extroverted perception. So that may be a sub personality to you, but what it is is your main personality with the emphasis shifted.

    We have 8 cognitive functions, and these get arranged in sequences which reflect particular types. "Cognitive configuration" it is called.

    Hopefully thats of interest to you.

     

    Hehe....

    Thanks for dropping by!

    Hmmm..... When I took the Myers Briggs test some years ago I became ENFP 9_9

  11. Posted

    So I also did some weight-lifting this morning, and, wow, I love it so much. The kettlebells are fantastic, building both strenght and cardio. It feels pretty awesome that I have both rollerblading, yoga and weight-lifting in my flexible and dynamic exercise routine now. It feels like the only thing that is lacking is some martial arts, so I’ve been thinking maybe I can start to add that simply by starting to do some shadow-boxing by myself, or more specifically: shadow muay thai boxing. Then yoga and weight-lifting would more kind of my base, where as rollerblading and shadow-boxing would be my more atheletic, creative and flexible disciplines. I think it is about making exercise as fun and creative as one can, playing on the strenghts of lots of different approaches. At some point it might stop being exercise and instead just integrated play that one is flowing through naturally and effortlessly as an integrated part of ones daily life.

  12. Posted

    2 x 45 min meditation today. Now my vacation has started (it started yesterday.) I was feeling so worn down. This summer I have worked with an exceptionally challenging patient who never came out of his psychosis. Fortunally he will be gone when my vacation is over. I’m meditating some extra today to see if can get all these impressions of total madness quicker out of my system.

  16. Posted

    45 min today as well. It went really deep. I was like really disappointed when the time was up, and I was so inspired by both rollerblading and weight-lifting when I started the sit, so I was kind of surprised how easily I could let go of those thoughts. Anyways. I feel really grateful. The meditation is like a non-issue these days, and when it comes to physical exercise, holy damn, I have both rollerblading, yoga and weight-lifting to take care of that - such an abundance!

  17. Posted · Edited by Thittato

    Such an awesome day. After work I went to eat with my mom, then I went rollerblading with a friend, and then I went home to do some weight-lifting. Both the rollerblading and the weight-lifting was super-awesome. I'm starting to get to where I want to be with my rollerblading - just stable and confident with a good repetoire of tricks and skills I'm continually improving on. Weight-lifting totally feels like the most important thing I need right now, next to my meditation-routine. It just gives me so much more fire and confidence, and it really adds to the stability I've been experiencing lately.

    I was trying out a pump-track today with my rollerblades before we went to a traditional skatepark. It was a really good cardo-workout, and a really awesome way to warm up. So much fun as well. Here is a picture of the pump-track:

    115600521_2982874075165755_1536984153884690470_n.jpg

  20. Posted

    45 min meditation today before going to work, and then 20 min vinyasa flow yoga when I came home. Felt so good doing some yoga again after those 3 weight-lifting session I've had lately. Now my body is totally back to where it was at my peak fitness level a few months ago when my yoga practice was really strong. Feels really good having commited to a 3 month daily meditation practice of 45 min per day - June, July & August. It took quite some effort to get in the groove with this, so my physical exercise has suffered a bit, but now it feels like that inspiration is also back. I don't even have to do it daily. Maybe 2-3 sessions per week is more than enough, especially since I think sitting meditation also gives a lot of physical benefits because it opens up the body and improves the energy flow and reduces the stress-levels. Sitting meditation actually feels like body work in many ways. I'm certainly working on my posture when I'm sitting, and I'm bringing balance to my breath, among many things. I also think that the meditative awareness that I'm cultivating also makes me enjoy physical execise much more - like it is really good to be in my body and to explore how it moves. And meditation really makes it possible to fully enjoy without shame all the different types of energies that physical exercise activates, like the warrior-energy for instance.

  21. Posted

    45 min sit today as well. The momentum was very good. I'm going to continue this program for the rest of August as well I could feel today, so altogether this meditation program is going to last for 3 months - June, July and August. I think I'm really starting to feel the benefits of sticking with something for an extended period of time now. Although I have been meditating for almost 20 years, and sometimes in a very disciplined manner, like 5 hours per day for 2 years when I was a buddhist monk, these last years has been a lot of just changing my practice around too much, so I have sort of lost my focus, but I guess it was what I needed for this period in my life as the general flow these last years has been improvisation and creativity, but now this discipline of 45 min per day has been really good. I've have been working myself into some bad habits of always thinking (again!) that that the grass is greener on the other side, so when I'm meditating I'm dreaming of what my life would have been if my practice was primarily devoted to yoga, and the other way around, so now it is time to get to the roots of this type of dynamic by actually sticking with one type of practice for an extended period of time. I'm pretty sure a lot of mind-noise will get the opportunity to calm down this way.

    I also did weight-lifting after the meditation, and then I did a warm shower ended with a cold shower. Gosh. I really love weight-lifting. I have two full-body exercises that I like very much: The Man Maker and the Kettlebell Snatch.

  22. Posted · Edited by Thittato

    45 min sit today as well. Very nice groove this session. It almost goes by itself now. Both the routine and the actual process while meditating. It is like installing a new software for how to process my experience of being a human being in a much better way, and on good days it feels like that software has been successfully installed and now I can go on with my life. But of course - it is the bad days that I'm practicing for.

    Today has been a really nice day. I've been working night-shifts for three nights this weekend, and I felt a great sense of mastery throughout the whole weekend. When I woke up today I woke up to a really nice message from this woman I'm into who asked me if I wanted to do a video-chat with her one of these days. I was thinking that I wanted to call her soon, but it is so nice when she is ahead of me which I take as a sure sign that I'm not the only one investing in this interaction. She also landed on wanting me to visit her for a weekend soon, so that is pretty awesome and fortunately I made her feel safe and comfortable about this by giving her space to figure it out on her own instead of chasing her. It was so difficult to let go of control in this situation, and I think I would have found a way to sabotage it and push her away if I hadn't had the great support my meditation practice was giving me regarding this. I'm pretty sure this practice makes me into a much more attractive version of myself than I am without it. The woman I was on a date with right before I fully re-activated this meditation project, hahaha, it is like night and day how differently the two of them responded to me. To that first woman I must have seemed like some very ungrounded all over the place kind of guy who was just totally un-attractive. I was also giving her a much loftier presentation of myself - just a lot of mind-based stuff about what kind of guy I would have wanted to be, whereas with this new woman I think I'm much more presenting myself as who I actually am. And that is actually how I view this meditation process - peeling away layers upon layers of mind-made noise so that I can get more into my core and essence. There is something very masculine about that. Just resting as essence. Not needing anything else. I imagine some guy sitting at the camp-fire, gazing very contentedly into the fire, enjoying the mystery of life.

    I also went rollerblading with a couple of buddies today. So fun. Accidentally I met my younger brother who is only 17 at the skatepark. He is a pretty awesome skater. Pretty funny that now we have an interest in common. I'm not rollerblading enough to really take it to the next level, but still it is getting more integrated for every session that I do, and there is always a little bit of progress. Maybe I want to intensify the rollerblading a bit for a period now. I have like established a platform of some basic skills, but I feel a bit clumsy still, but perhaps it is starting to be within reach to actually develop some style. It is like with music. Some muscicians can make a lot out of a little, meaning they might not have the most technical skills but they still take the little that they know and put it together into something that becomes a unique style and expression.

  23. Posted · Edited by Thittato

    45 min sit today as well. My mind got very still. So nice to see a lot of this nervous energy I'm carrying around just dissipate. It is really nice when even the enthuasiasm for the mind getting still is starting to get really chill.

  24. Posted

    45 min sit today as well. Nice sit. Been missing my yoga-routine after I re-established this meditation-routine, and somehow I need to get some physical exercise in as well. Now I’m thinking two sessions of weight-lifting per week is a good start in combination with this meditation-routine. That should certainly be manageable. Then I can rather fill in with some yoga every now and then according to my needs.