Thittato

More on my drawings Finished with three nights of working night-shift. Was pretty high in my mood when I was finished, so I went home and had a nice drawing-session before going to bed. Then I overslept and didn’t reach my yoga class, and just arrived in time for pub chess, and now I had another drawing-session before going to bed again. I think my art is really where I’m the most stuck in my life. It totally is. I don’t think the end-result really matters, but this frustration has to be dealt with in one way or another. To boil it down to the essence - something that is obstructed needs to be expressed. And so far it seems I just need to put in a lot of consistent work into my drawings to get this expressed. There needs to be a sense of mastery around this process that has so far been lacking. I often think what I do is shit, and other times I think it is pretty awesome, but basically I’m too identified with any one drawing at that particular point making it into a proof, or lack of proof, for my self-worth. This needs to change into a greater understanding for the whole process, and that any one drawing is not what matters, but what matters is nurturing this process until it starts to really bloom. I don’t really think I’m far from seeing this process tip over into something much more rewarding and far less frustrating. If everything so far has been play and experimentation, now is the time to make something more out of it.

Embodiment 35 min sitting meditation today, then I did some handstand exercises and then I did 10 sun salutations. Now I’m at night-shift again, and I feel very open and expansive. Some of the clogged up stuff has been cleared out. I guess the whole conclusion to this meditation VS. yoga dichotomy I’ve been having is that I need both. It is very clear that meditation most of the time gives me much deeper spiritual experiences, but I need the yoga to get them integrated into my body. Embodiment is my favorite word today.

Had the opportunity to meditate for 1 hour and 40 min this night-shift and wow, that was really amazing. Feels like I’m synchronizing up with my experience so that I can actually own my experience instead of feeling victimized by it. There is like this tantric experience that when I go into my suffering for long and deep enough and just really surrenders to it it actually transform into pleasure and joy. I feel on top of my experience. When everything feels wrong, if I just actually open up to that experience deeply enough it will transform into everything feeling right. This is a lesson I’ve experienced many times, but it has never been permanent. Experience clogs up again and again, and I just got to keep on keepin’ on penetrating stuck material so that it dissolves into flow. This seems like a good opportunity to quote one of my favorite poems: Unconditional Willing to experience aloneness, I discover connection everywhere; Turning to face my fear, I meet the warrior who lives within; Opening to my loss, I gain the embrace of the universe; Surrendering into emptiness, I find fullness without end. Each condition I flee from pursues me, Each condition I welcome transforms me And becomes itself transformed Into its radiant jewel-like essence. I bow to the one who has made it so, Who has crafted this Master Game. To play it is purest delight; To honor its form–true devotion. – Jennifer Welwood

20 min vinyasa flow today guided from youtube. Just got to continue with this. I’ve been too much in my head for too long, and even though meditation has given me some great results, the energy it has generated has a lot of times contributed to my mental obsessions, or been hijacked by my mental obsessions, so yoga is really the way for me right now to make all this more integrated into my whole being. As I’ve been writing about before I’m sensing a new type of groundedness is growing.

No meditation today. Been sleeping all day as a preparation for working night-shift. This journal started with me describing these various cycles that I go through, and nothing is new there. It feels so strongly while it lasts, and then when it is gone and something else takes over it doesn’t feel so important. Pretty strange, but there is less conflict about it I think. From a meditative point of view I just got to continue to ride out these cycles, identifying how the tension feels in my body. I think a lot of yogis has struggled with this. One of my meditation teachers used to be a professional musician, and then it just faded and now he is teaching meditation full-time and doesn’t seem to be struggling at all with some kind of unfulfilled creative urge. Another one of my teachers gave up his life in the theatre and retreated permanently into ashram-life. Others seems to combine meditation and an artistic life pretty well. Not really sure what my life is going to look like. The thing with art seems so extremly important when I get one of these «attacks» but then it cools down and I’m fine just surrendering to my life just as it is right now. Probably the most important thing is just to feel it out, and then I trust the answer will come by itself.

Resilience Woke up this morning, and just felt that my art is like utter shit, haha. Then after some agony and shit I sat down and started drawing and it was really nice. I’m just waaaaay to depended on my mood when it comes to this, and I just think waaaay too much about it. I think the whole thing would be settled if I just did it more and thought less about it. I hope to gain more resilience. Actually I think that is what yoga has given me more of. Both in this reluctant totally unsuccessful romantic encounter haha. It is usually waaaaay worse emotionally. And I’m more resilient in my job. I can handle some pretty crazy shit pretty well. So I just need to become more resilient in my art as well. That is my intention for today. No yoga today btw. I’m having a break.

Lack of purpose / finding my purpose I think the root-problem in my life is lack of purpose. I can’t just keep meditating, doing yoga, and journaling on these frustrations and then they will suddenly go away at some point. I think I’ve made yoga and meditation to an end in themselves when for me they were supposed to be means. Unfortunately, and this fucking sucks, but it always comes back to visual art. I’m always drawing, but it is at a low-boil. I’ve never given it my 100% because I’ve never believed in myself, but it always comes back to this, so I reluctantly think this is my purpose. Somehow I just wish I could get away, but I can’t. First and foremost it is not really about making it into a living, but what it is about is bringing it to the next level. To make it flow and flourish. I think when I’ve been having this yoga kick, or Chess-kick, or any other kick, that I’m trying to escape my true nature and make same kind of false identity around something else. Yoga is good, but at very maximum, and this is probably too much for me, I only need to spend an hour a day doing it. I don’t think teaching yoga speaks to me. It is more something I’m doing for myself. So the uncomfortable truth is that I’m a very unfulfilled artist that feels like a failure, and I’m just trying to escape this fact. The good news is I think getting my art to flourish is not far away. I’m pretty much drawing every day, and I have always been, so I just need to bring a little bit more power and focus and confidence into this. The good news is also - I have most likely already identified my purpose, so I just need to go for it. The good news is also that it always comes back no matter how unstable I feel in my direction in life. I think the more I give to it the more it will give me back, so that will probably counteract this feeling of floundering that I have. A friend of mine just gave me this concept that passion comes from mastery, and not the other way around as we usually think. So by getting more into a sense of mastery I will probably get my fire going again. There is not really anything to loose here. Worst case is that art only continues to be a hobby for the rest of my life, but even if that is so I still strongly desire to see the fire that I put into it multiplied with thousands. If it was only meant as a hobby for me I’m going to make into a fucking awesome hobby. I think I’m at a tipping point here. I could really soon see the energy I put into it generating new and fresh inspiration instead of frustrations. Just today a really cool and social person who was part of arranging that yoga-festival that I was at sought me out because he had heard about my drawings and wanted me to create something for him that he could get as a tattoo. That is pretty fucking awesome. Somebody wants my art on his skin for life. That’s like the best compliment someone could ever give me. And the best thing is this time I didn’t procrastinate either. I sat down tonight and made a sketch for him. I could here that stupid old voice going on inside me «oh gosh, why can’t he find someone else to bug with this?» but I overpowered it and instead it was really fun to challenge myself and create something for a medium that I’m not used to. So yeah, when I get the groove going with this I think I will get the fire back in my eyes. And this time it is going to be a fire that keeps burning for a long long time.

Last day of my one month pass at these three yoga studios. Of course I’m going to buy a pass for one more month, but it is kind of symbolic, so I decided to celebrate with taking two classes just right after each other with the same teacher. First 90 min Iyengar yoga, and then 60 min Restorative yoga. But what was even more symbolic was - holy shit - the woman I just had a crush on was also there!!! I felt rejected like hell and almost didn’t want to look at her, but she came over and gave me a hug as if nothing had happened. So we sat down and chatted a bit after class. I thought she had left by now, she is moving to another city, so I totally didn’t expect to meet her in a random class, but apparently she is back home for two more weeks. I think I could pick up from her energy that she is no longer single, where as last time we hung out she had that single availability to her. I’m still very attracted to her, but that spellbound crush kind of thing that takes away all my power seems gone. Anyways, now it feels so, but not during class. That was hell, but fortunately I managed to stay cool. I guess I can only conclude with that I wasn’t ready when she was, and that she found someone else that was. Although it is tempting to give it one last try now that I don’t feel spellbound and can act like my normal self again. She seems like the type of woman who is always involved with someone but it doesn’t seem to become all that serious. The happy go lucky kind of woman always flirting with someone. I guess I’ll just have to see what I feel inclined to do. Maybe she could sense my sort of apologetic way of asking her out, and maybe if my energy is more non-chalant it gives of a very different vibe. Or maybe not. At the very least this one month of yoga-studio time really gave me a good opportunity to really knead this spellbound stuff out of my body, and now I feel that my power is back at the same time that I’m very attracted to her. Maybe something more happens with her, or maybe not, but I hope this lesson will be possible to transfer on to my next love interest because I usually get totally spellbound - like struck by ligthening - when I get a crush on someone, and at the same time I’m so damn reluctant to become interested in someone before I get this crush - so it is very much an all or nothing kind of thing that doesn’t help me very much in dating. Anyways, it was an interesting experience this whole month. Maybe my emotional body is getting stronger and more robust because I think in overall I feel like my reaction to this whole crush-thing is becoming a little bit more normal, and a little bit less like the type of intense emotional panic that happens for someone that used to be as traumatized as I was. Like some kind of crazy postttraumatic stress reaction kicks in just because I happen to like someone. It always used to be like that, but maybe I’m gradually riding it out with of course some re-lapses on the way. Just got to be patient with myself, and everyone else! Namaste!

75 min Restorative Yoga today. Feels like I’m starting to get used to this romantic potential not being a potential anymore. I went to beach yoga with her a couple of times this summer. She was inviting me, and seemed to chase me. I was resisting getting into anything with her (for some stupid reason I don’t know why) but suddenly I had a crush on her despite resisting, and then I just knew that the power balance between us had shifted and that she would no longer be currious about my anymore. Probably also because I didn’t act when there was an opening for it. Anyways I’m pretty sure this is why I got that one month pass for these three yoga studios and also why I went to that yogafestival. I just knew intuitively that I still have this reactive shit in my body still, and that I have to work it out my body through yoga. I fall so madly and quickly in love when it first happens, and at the same time I resist it so badly as well, so it is really hard to develop natural chemistry with anyone because of this ON / OFF pattern. But anyways, it seemed to go easier on me this time than before, so I think it was just a good opportunity to trigger out some of the last grief and not feeling good enough around this stuff out of my body. I feel much lighter already. Now I can go back and enjoy my yoga practice again, relax, and wait for whatever romantic opportunity presents itself next time.

45 min sitting meditation today. This has been one of those days where everything has felt wrong. Meditation offered a little bit of relief, but not much. Probably feeling rejected has triggered this. At the very least I’m glad there is little need to elaborate. Before I would have been going on and on endlessly, but now I can simply conclude it has been one «one of those days.»

Today my meditation was done singing mantras together with a group of 30-40 people for 1,5 hour. Was feeling a lot of resistance at first, but felt like my attitude towards resistance has gotten more grown up, so I quickly just surrendered into it (even though it continued for quite a while). Much better to just be with the resistance instead of freaking out.

20 min vinyasa flow guided from youtube today as well. I’m a little heartbroken because I got rejected by my crush. I think she was chasing me for quite a while, but I didn’t catch on before it was too late. So she ghosted me when I was actually starting to get interested, whereas up until this point she was the one initiating contact. I haven’t had much contact with women lately because I’ve been going through so much stuff, but now I think my positive and out-going vibe is starting to come back since I’m finished with this very demanding therapeutic process, and all this yoga is really boosting my sense of flow, so probably it is just good to get rejected just to get used to that again so that I don’t take it so personally. Anyways, I’m going to the bath-house to try to sweat it out in the sauna and to increase my sense of masculinity in the cold-baths. It is funny - I meet a lot of people who are inspired by Wim Hoff when I’m there.

20 min vinyasa flow guided from youtube today as well. Just a lot of gratitude today. And I love the discipline of this. Discipline is what I need more of in my life. Especially since I have so many interests that keeps pulling me in all kinds of directions.

20 min vinyasa flow guided from youtube. It felt more like a flow today than before, and I’m also much more connected with my breath through-out the practice.

90 min Iyengar yoga class today. What I noticed today is that I don’t feel awkward in class anymore. Besides that I started skateboarding on longboard yesterday, so it was pretty cool to cruise to the yoga-class, and then afterwards I cruised over to a pub to play Chess with a friend, and then back home. Never done skateboarding before, but I do snowboard, so longboarding seems like a really awesome way to transport myself around here in town. For one thing it is more fun and quicker than walking, and when winter and snowboarding season comes I think it will be pretty cool to see what doing some kind of board also in summertime will do to my snowboarding. Been really starting to feel lately that wow, 3,5 year in intensive therapy is actually over and that it probably gave me the desired effect. For one thing it seems like I start to attract much more healthier friends than all those stoners I grew up with and that I had a lot of unhealthy co-dependence shit going on with. Basically I just have a huge kick on lots of activities and I’m starting to notice that straight people are not as boring anymore as I used to think they were. I’m even connecting much better with all the mainstream people at my job. So yeah, I will definitivly buy another one month pass at this yoga-studio when this one is done, because it is simply just awesome. I think this is exactly what will change me from someone who has for a very long time felt «half baked» on the spiritual path into someone who is actually cooked all the way through.

90 min Restorative Yoga class. These classes are simply brilliant. Was a little bit fed up after that yoga-festival, but now I’m getting the enthusiasm back. I was also quite fed up with my own tendency to get so totally identified with my projects, ie. with this yoga thing going totally up in the identity of it. I think that I will at least buy another one month pass when this one runs out. I’m probably very close to having this as an integrated part of my life that doesn’t have to be such a big deal anymore. The whole process sort of becomes automatic when joining a yoga-studio. No need to struggle alone. Only thing I have to do is to show up. And then a compassionate and friendly teacher will guide me through an awesome session together with a lot of group-support from the other students.

Also went to a 75 min Hot Power Yoga + Yin class after work. It was really really sweet. I love those heated classes. Half the class was power yoga and the other half was yin. Perfect combination. Tomorrow I’m having a day off, so I’m going to start the day with a 90 min Restorative Yoga class, and then I’m going home to work on my newest drawing-project. Seems like orderliness and cleanliness is really working out well. I’ve found the spot in my mind that has been giving me the wrong permission to space out from what needs to be done, so now I’m no longer lying to myself about this part of my life - instead I break the orderliness and cleaning routines down into manageble micro-steps that are not really painful at all to both plan and execute - but actually quite fun.

30 min sit this morning. Felt sad and vulnerable, but it felt good to just be with this.

30 min meditation this morning. First I went to the ocean and took a swim. Also yesterday later in the evening I did a one hour vinyasa flow with a buddy, and then we went and took a swim in the ocean. Jumped out of bed this morning, and then did some laundry and dusting before swimming and meditation. I totally think that is the clue to maintaining my home - I have to see it as an on-going project that never ends where I have to do a little bit of work every day. Feels extremly much better to have it orderly and clean like this. Now I can go to work later this evening without worrying about my clothes not being fresh and clean. Damn, what a mess my life has been. There must have been some denial in all this that fortunately I can no longer maintain. That is another thing I’m grooving on about meditation these days - how it fosters an attitude of being really honest with oneself. Must have been a lot of denial in my mind, and there probably still is, that I’m really keen on exposing.

20 min meditation this morning. It was really nice and I regretted not having more time to it before going to work. I have a new orderliness and cleanliness project going as my appartment keeps degenerating into chaos again and again, which is kind of strange since I really enjoy taking care of my home when I’m in the groove with it, but somehow I’m not able to maintain it. Now my place is clean again, and this time I’m determined to keep it this way. I could sense a new attitude coming this time as I was putting my place back together because it was much less an «all or nothing project» but more something that is always on-going. Perhaps I’ve had some unwillingness to admit that I can’t just put it back together and expect it to stay that way by itself.

30 min meditation this morning. Dealing with various frustrations, and my mind didn’t quite settle down. It was more hovering around. Felt like a failed meditation until I wrote this and felt that this is also a state that I can embrace.

30 min sitting meditation today. Very nice energy-flow in my body, and my mind was getting really still. I love it when I go beyond that «manic buzz» that I often get into. Perhaps that is why I feel inclined to do so much yoga these days because often when I meditate I get a lot of energy going, but this energy often turns into some kind of «manic buzz» so I’m taken out of presence again because of that, but I think yoga can help me deal with this imbalance so that hopefully it will help me go deeper with my meditation.

Only did 20 min yoga this morning, because I’m trying to hold back a little bit so that I don’t get burned out. But felt really good to do at least a solid 20 min program. Been feeling really soft in my body this whole day.

Festival afterglow Did a 20 min youtube yogaprogram before I went to work. Then after work I went and did a one hour beach yoga class, and after that class I was so on fire that I went to a 90 min Heated Dharma yoga class. So much resistance was gone and it felt like I was almost flying through these classes. Only thing I have to be careful about now is that I shouldn’t get too manic about this. My energy feels a little too manic and restless, so I’m going to focus on bringing myself down again.

3 days at a awesome yoga-festival is over. It was awesome, but also I encountered a lot of resistance towards the physical, social and emotional process I was in, but now I feel very released. Did 3 classes on friday, 4 on saturday, and 4 on sunday, plus lots of extra social festival stuff going on in-between. Basically the whole thing was a little bit too much, especially since I have been working night-shifts for 2 weeks just right before this and I’ve been feeling something compared to being jet-lagged through-out this whole festival, but it was also very very inspiring much of the time and I felt I was going really deeply into many of the yoga sessions. However I wasn’t prepared for getting into such a strong sense of resistance towards the whole thing at times. It sometimes felt like being in a prison. But I mean, yoga is painful in many ways, it is really about encountering a lot of the resistance one has in body and mind, and learning to relax with that - to breathe into it - so of course that is going to be challenging sometimes. Coming back home now, I feel released and refreshed, but I’m also very glad the whole thing is over, and I look forward to return to my daily practice. I think my theme for the whole weekend was learning to find sort of the sweet-spot in the resistance. When one gets into it, and really surrender into it, there is some really juicy transformation going on, and there is sort of a love for this transformation that makes going into the resistance attractive. Of course that is not how resistance feels most of the time, because most of the time I’m not able to surrender fullt into it, but when I am that is really a juicy sweet-spot, and the memory of that spot is what brings me back to the practice over and over again.