Thittato

45 min meditation today. I feel grounded in a sense of chill and pleasant ordinariness.

45 min meditation today. Had some beautiful stillness going on while at the same time there was a lot of pleasurable energy flow going on in my body. Tried to massage this stillness into my whole being, and had the energy cooled down just a little bit my mind would have landed completely into stillness, but it was bopping around softly just a little bit over this landing-point, but still very comfortable.

45 min sit this morning. Been having the feeling today that everything is over. My friends are all starting to get established, or have been established a long time, and the other people I used to hang with has left town or are really busy with something. Was out meeting a friend yesterday. He has the same feeling. Our scene is gone. I used to think about this as «golden ages.» Some kind of social period where it is all coming together and a lot of like-minded people are attracted towards each other and lots of cool stuff is going on. Now it all seems gone. Probably getting my art-studio was my last attempt to make something like that happen again, but the energy in it wasn’t right. I used to jump back and forth between a big group of art-people and a big group of meditation-people, but now it hardly seems like there is any around anymore. Been wondering if my attempts to instigate periods like this comes from my fear of being alone. I identify very heavily with belonging to a cool group of people, and I sort of panic when it feels like that is gone. So anyways, just trying to surrender into it. It is probably not that black and white, some people are still around, we just don’t see each other as often as we used to. It is probably good for me to face this fear anyways, and maybe it is good for me just spending more time alone, to meditate and to focus on my job. Feels like my job is the only place I belong these days. Like the only way I can get away from my own suffering is by helping other people with their suffering. It is my most happy moments, when I can make someone feel seen and validated. Might sound unhealthy but I don’t think it is. I think there is a lot of a shared sense of love and respect in the relationship between a social worker and the ones he is helping when the relationship is successful.

45 min sit this morning. Good flow.

Totally ❤️

45 min meditation today as well. Holy schmokes. I had all sorts of excuses for not doing it, sleeping late, even listening to a 30 min guided meditation by my meditation teacher while lying in bed. Then suddenly I did it. Got to build down this resistance. This is to be expected. This is totally to be expected. When something is really good for me I find a way to sabotage myself. Fortunately it didn’t happen today, but the procrastionation was still really harsh. I will find a way to overcome this resistance. Anyways, now I feel awesome because I actually did it. But the self-esteem would have been higher if I didn’t resist for 7-8 hours before I managed to sit down.

Very successful day. I’ve been journaling a lot in my private journal about my job. The patient that I’ve been working with the 4 last shifts told me today «Thank you for genuinly caring so much about me.» The journaling really seems to increase my performance in my job. At some point I will make my own model for how I operate as a social worker and what has proven to work again and again. What really seems to work is to share a little bit about my own struggles (but not too much!) just to give my patient a little sense that they are not alone with the types of difficulties they go through. I try to make it a little bit more personal then probably most of my colleagues do. It really does wonders. I’ve seen it over and over. The other guy I was working with before this one told me after a meeting we had with both his psychiatrist, another psychiatrist in training and his psychologist that I was probably the only one in the room that had seen him. It is about building down the distance between professional and patient, but in a safe way where I don’t give my patient too much of my own shit for them to deal with, but just a little bit that has been processed before-hand, just to make them feel they are not alone and that there is actually a human being sitting there with them and not just some professional robot. It is pretty awesome because I already have some stuff that works pretty well, so will be interesting to see what will happen when I can systemize this and turn it into «conscious competance» and not just improvised accidental stuff. Todays meditation really made me turbo-charged with presence the whole day. I feel I’m in the process of really stripping things down to my core and the most simple truths in my life. What are they? Well, I’m a social worker, so I better just do the best that I can in that occupation and find ways to be inspired and up-to-date, and I’m a longterm vipassana meditation practitioner with enlightenment as my primary goal in life.

45 min meditation today. Good flow. Been having this journal for almost a year now. It has been pretty much all over the place. I still have this need to nail this down into a systematic exercise routine for the mind. Like a path and a program. Been fortunate enough that I actually have a meditation technique that I’ve been using for a long time, but I tend to go off on all sorts of tangents. I will explore if I’m able to get back into a more systematic approach towards meditation again. 45 min per day was actually what my teacher recommended me back in the days, and whenever I stick with that amazing things tend to happen.

45 min meditation today.

45 min meditation today. Still thinking I should devote myself entirely to only one technique. Maybe I’ll land back into my meditation technique at some point soon, or maybe I still need to bounce back and forth between yoga and meditation for some more time.

45 min meditation today. Finished moving out of my art-studio today and returned the key, so that chapter is fully over. It will be interesting to think much more about how I can develop my social worker career. Like put all the self-development stuff I know into it and try to translate that stuff into skills in this field that can help other people. Every day I meet people in a very difficult situation. If I can only give them a little bit of human warmth and a feeling of safety I have succeeded. And if I can contribute a little bit with positivity and inspiration to my colleagues I have also succeeded. In many ways it is pretty easy. It only takes presence. One of my mentors once asked me who my favorite teachers were. After a little discussion we both arrived at the conclusion that it was those who had made me felt seen. So easy and yet so difficult. Most people it seems, including me in many periods of my life, doesn’t usually have this capacity to see other people deeply, because we have too much stress in our lives. But this is where meditation and spiritual practice comes in. One gets that extra little sense of warmth and glow that comes from being in touch with oneself. I wrote about this already back in 2012 in my bachelor thesis about how social workers can become more emphatic with the use of mindfulness. Probably what I didn’t know back then was the depth of my own wounds and that I would also need psychotherapy. Seems like it would take me a really long time to actually translate this into action, except for some glimpses here and there, because I’ve always been so desperately searching for «something else.»

75 min Restorative Iyengar yoga class today. Nice way to cool down after an awesome work-week. I often work during weekends, but this weekend I’m off. Had an amazing day at work today as well. Even got praise from my boss. It is pretty obvious this focus will pay off. Been focusing like this on all my hobbies for so long to get into flow-states, but somehow it has been an escapism from where my career because I thought I had the wrong career, but now I’m really starting to surrender into it. I should at least stay here for a couple more years just to really nail this social worker thing before I might move on to something else. My experience has been so spread out on so many things that it is very important to get some depth with something now in order to experience some more sense of mastery regarding my daily life.

10 sun salutations this morning. Bringing home all the stuff from my art-studio today, so now that chapter is over. I’m very inspired to focus more on my job again. In order to improve my performance I’m going to buy a journal-book and write a little summary after every shift, what worked, what didn’t worked, etc. Feeling ready to explore all the opportunities there. Perhaps if I really start to flow in my normal job my boss will notice and some new opportunities will open up. It is a really good field to bring in all the stuff I know about self-development. If I grow into the role I’m sure it will be much easier to translate everything I know into action.

45 min meditation now before work, and then I’m going to do 25 min yin-yoga when I come back home again. I was very inspired by the weight-lifting yesterday. I was lifting weights for one year, which ended approximately half a year before this yoga-kick started. Perhaps I can have a really cool exercise routine going with a combination of yoga and weight-lifting, and then have meditation as my primary daily practice. Weight-lifting really seem to add some fire to my being which I really appriciate.

Amazing day at my job. Came home and meditated for 45 min, then some weight-lifting, and then I did 25 min yin-yoga. I think my primary purpose for some time now will be to really nail this social worker thing. I think I have some gifts when it comes to making people feel safe and accepted for who they are which are especially potent for helping people come back from psychosis. Today, a guy that felt totally misunderstood by the doctors got his warmth and smile back on his face simply by me giving him understanding and support for exactly how he felt. The smile and hand-shake he gave me when I left today was really heart-warming.

45 min meditation this morning. I had a really deep therapeutic experience this weekend on saturday. First I was at one party, but I was really depressed because of this heartbrokenness that has been coming up again, so I didn’t really want to be there. Fortunately some of my self-development friends had a gathering somewhere else, so I went over to them instead. I ended up lying on the sofa getting therapeutic support from 2 women and 3 men sort of lying in the middle of them with my head in the lap of my one friend and my legs in the lap of another one. I sort of «confessed everything,» how hooked I’ve been on this woman that I can’t get, or almost get and who is always sending me mixed signals all over the place, how obsessed I’ve been with art, how lonely I feel deep down, how I’ve been pulling away from that group because I think they are boring (probably because they are not as restless as I am, but our connection is really deep when we are having sharings together and they always surprise me by how wise and warm they are getting). Basically it all boiled down to not feeling good enough so trying desperately to get some extra significance by succeeding with something, ie getting a hot babe or «becoming an artist» or something. I was really impressed by how skilled therapists they have become. They are all teaching mindfulness, or body-work, or something in that category. Feels like I’ve been able to connect much deeper with people again after this session, and that I’m less obsessed. It also feels like I’ve never been this totally honest about all the nasty stuff that my ego does. So I think I’ve manged to strip away some considerable layers of my ego and all this «not feeling good enough trying to over-compensate stuff» Really glad I’m out of that art-studio. It is not healthy for me. It just feeds directly into lots of self-obsession. But all in all it was a good therapeutic process that whole exhibition and everything. Just really glad to be back at my normal job more frequently and with my daily meditation/yoga practice again, and I’m really looking forward to penetrate even deeper layers of whatever needs to be penetrated to fullfill my potential for love, happiness, kindness and peace. So grateful for my self-development friends. Everybody should have friends like that, and fortunately people like that are all over the world in all kinds of yoga, meditation, and self-development scenes, and they are usually accessible for everybody wanting to connect on a deeper level. Only thing blocking connection is usually something inside of us - speaking of which when I experience this deep connection with people who are dedicated to this stuff, then it is usually much easier to connect with «normal people» as well.

30 min meditaton today. Feels like all suffering is gone forever and from now on things will just be easy and chill. Probably not the case, but it is a nice feeling. I remember I was on an ayahuasca ceremony where the shaman said something along these lines: «If you really love someone you’ll even give them the freedom to not love you back.»

60 min Hot Morning Flow yoga class today. A bit tired today, and some anxiety going on.

1 hour Iyengar yoga class today and then I went home and meditated for 45 min afterwards. Pretty sweet.

90 min Hot Yoga Warrior class. My sleep-schedule is messed up because of those night-shifts. But anyways, now that I’m done with that art-studio I’m going to practice yoga intensely again. My healing process needs it. In some aspects I regret that whole art-studio thing, because I had such a momentum going with my yoga practice. Fortunately I’ve kept it alive, so I can just continue and intensify again. And I needed to get that art-obsession out of my system for this time. I’m going to continue to make art from home, but probably at this point I’ll have a pause from those thoughts about making it into some kind of career, simple because my healing-process needs me to be very dedicated to my yoga-practice and my normal job. It was pretty clear from all that pain that came up again when I met that woman I was so in love with before that I’m far from done with these issues, so I better put the most important priorities first.

45 min meditation today. Same story. Lots of emotional pain before I sit down, and then I gradually feel released at some point during the session where the contraction starts to move into an expansion. It is really funny in a way. I feel in such seriously deep shit when the pain hits, and then after the meditation is done I can just laugh at the whole thing and I feel like an empowered individual again.

Holy moly. This sudden encounter with that woman I was so in love with 1,5 - 2 years ago during that yin-yoga class on friday triggered some more reactions. Felt like exactly the same thoughts and feelings as when I was freshly heartbroken were back again. I had to meditate for 30 min this night-shift to go into these feelings. It helped. My experience is that these things comes in waves. I have to do the meditative work when a wave hits, and then I will feel released and feel on top of things for a while, but then a new wave will come again. Strange that this came up so strong suddenly, I’ve met her many times after it became clear that it wasn’t going to become us. Maybe I managed to shut her out of my heart by will-power for this long time, but after the yin-yoga class I was so open in my body and mind that when we smiled to each other I was letting her all in again. She is always holding eye contact with me longer than I do with her. I’m pretty sure that I could see that in that micro-second just right before I broke eye-contact that her openness and warmth towards me turned into fear. She wants someone that she can’t have. Whenever her love gets returned she becomes afraid. So yeah, it was just a micro-demonstration of the dysfunctional dynamic between us. Interesting that it came in a yin-yoga class. Kind of perfect in a way. Just got to get this pain released, whatever is still left of it. After the worst burning pain was over and I landed in my sadness, it was actually pretty nice to be back in my vulnerability. This poem inspired me a lot tonight: Absolutely Clear by Shams al-din Hafiz Don't surrender your loneliness So quickly. Let it cut more deep. Let it ferment and season you As few human Or even divine ingredients can. Something missing in my heart tonight Has made my eyes so soft, My voice So tender, My need of God Absolutely Clear.

A second session today of 25 min yin-yoga guided from youtube now right before I’m going to bed after having worked night-shift. So that is 6 yin-yoga sessions this week ? Yin yoga is the perfect fusion between yoga and meditation. Now that I’m soon moving out of my art-studio I’m again inspired to do at much better job at my normal job. Had a lot of flow-states going as I was working tonight, and it would have been so awesome to experience them much more while working. I think their increased frequency is close by, and by turning up the volume again in my yoga-practice I’m sure things will start to flow more again in that area of my life.

25 min yin-yoga guided from youtube today as well ? In total I’ve done yin-yoga 5 times this week. That is pretty awesome. I find that I still fight parts of my experience, and yin-yoga is especially good for surrendering into whatever I resist. Had a nice lesson regarding that during yesterdays yin-yoga class. A woman I was deeply in love with popped up in that class. Things didn’t work out between us back then, but that energy is still there between us, and my crush gets kind of renewed for a while when I meet her, but now I find it easier to just allow it to be there, instead of starting to try to pursue her again, or trying to fight those feelings. Pretty interesting. Actually it could have been way worse. This was just a tiny little reminder of how it used to be. I still love her, but I’m not supposed to do anything about it, except to just allow it just as it is. Pretty silly situation. She often sends me deep and longing glances when we accidentely happen to be in the same room, but if I start to pursue her again she will most likely contract into fear and doubt again, so I cannot allow myself to get sucked into that again. She is very beautiful, both on the outside and on the inside, but also she is a very damaged soul, just like I am, or was. Since it doesn’t seem to be so bad any longer when these crushes are re-activated, I think all the inner work that I’ve done has had a very good effect. I still love her, but I’m waiting for a woman I’m more compatible with, so there is no other choice than to just smile and say hello but nothing more. So many times I’ve lost myself in another. My therapist asked me when I was still going in therapy: Isn’t it about time you fall in love with yourself? It seems to happen more and more now. Hurra! Just a short little flare-up of the old obsessive tendency, then I breathe through it and surrender into it through yoga, and then I return back to myself ???

So I told my studio-friend today that I’m moving out by the end of the month. She took it well. I thanked her for our collaboration and that out time together in the studio and our exhibition has meant at lot for me. I’m starting to run out of money. I’ve only worked 30 % for some months now, so I need to say yes to more work for a while now. It also feels like I’ve had a creative blast that I needed to get out of my system, and I’m looking forward to continue to work with my art from home again. Perhaps the most important thing that has happened during these two months in the studio is that I have taken up painting again. Primarily I’ve only been drawing, but I feel very restricted in something I’ve been doing for too long, so I think «expanding» into painting is the perfect way to up my game. Seems like much more organic and flowing in many ways. I also plan to have my primary focus on yoga and work for a little while, and only continue (as I usually do) to make art as a hobby. All in all these two months in the studio has been really awesome, but it is clear that the collaboration between me and my friend was only temporary. I decided to only give her praise for our collaboration, because the way I look at it now it was perfectly what I needed, and in many ways I’m glad it didn’t lead to anything more the two of us together this time, but at the same time I’m disappointed, because I thought her presence in this project was going to be much greater given the initial inspiration we had together, but her focus these days seems to be primarily around fixing up her car because she plans to live in it, and dating because she has gotten so into polyamory, so I thought there was going to be more energy in this between us, but in fact there wasn’t so it is basically just about recognizing it for what it is, instead of wishing it was different. But 2 months was actually exactly what I needed, and I’m kind of glad it didn’t turn into any «us two against the world» kind of thing, because I will be really glad to get my art-equipment back home again, and this newfound inspiration for painting again I’m really glad for. I’ll also be glad for simplifying my life again, just having a small cozy appartment, my little yogi-cave, where I have everything that I need. I also really look forward to focus much more on yoga again. In total I’m very grateful for the whole experience. Here is my first new painting. Totally something different compared to what I usually do. I look forward to go deeper into this.