Thittato

45 min sit today. It dawned on me today - I've simply reached a plateau in my meditation practice. Nothing worse. My practice has been climbing up, up, up, since I went back to meditation from yoga a few months ago, but of course, eventually I will reach a plateau again. To progress from here it simply takes patience, and eventually my practice will start to climb again. But the best thing I can do right now is just to become friends with this stage, and to be curious about it. Perhaps it is a really good thing, since I've gotten a bit tired of all the psychological drama that comes with exciting altered states of consciousness. And now I feel free again, which is probably what this is all about anyways.

45 min sit today. Been slacking off a little with my practice these days. I think it is related to being in the Equanimity-phase on the mediation-map I use called The Progress of Insight. Everything is so equanimous that one almost forgets about ones spiritual project because life feels fine again. But this is a very important phase to keep going because eventually suffering will hit again in some form or another as it always does. Probably the best key to keep me going in this period is that if I'm not focused on my spiritual project, then I will start searching for another project, and since I'm never able to land on any other project, I might as well continue with this project. I will use extra awareness to take notice of when my mind goes searching for something else.

Woke up today. First day off after having worked three nights in a row with a crazy aggressive psychotic person. He calmed down the last night, and showed us much gratitude for putting up with him. So rewarding when going through such a heavy process with a young and strong guy who has a manic episode where he believes he is God's chosen one and doesn't accept that he is ill and that he is locked up against his will in a psychriatic hospital. You really hate that person intensely when he is at his worst. But then, it turns around, and he lands, and he starts to realize you were actually trying to help him all the way, and then he starts to appriciate it, and then, because the relationship started in such a heavy hardcore way, one actually develops a very strong bond to that person when he is back to himself again because of all you went through together in such a short intensive period. So anways, when I woke up today, I immdiately went for a swim in the ocean, approx. 5 degrees celcius these days, and then I went home and meditated for 45 min, and then I went to the local pub and played Chess for 5-6 hours, really great people I'm meeting through that group of Chess-players. They are my type of people. All of them really intense and intelligent, but also kind and well-mannered. Chess is really a game of developing gentleman manners by becoming both a good winner and a good looser. And also by accepting friendly competition, and all those intense feelings that competition triggers. Then after that I was like, heck, what to do, my sleeping ryhtm is turned around because of these night-shifts, and I still feel I need something more to unwind after this intense weekend. So I went for another swim in the ocean. And damn, this time I went for a longer swim, and oh my god I feel so good now. This is really some awesome hardcore beautiful therapy this thing with cold water.

Skipped meditation yesterday, almost skipped it today, but then an opportunity came at work to meditate for somewhere between one and one and a half hour. I was back to what I wrote one week ago: "45 min sit today. Beautiful, deep concentration. Sweet stillness suffusing my whole being." Interesting that it took me a week to get fully back into concentration like that again. But well, lots of other interesting stuff has been going on. Kind of tired to measure success in meditation up against these concentration states, but it is kind of hard to resist because everything feels so complete when the mind goes into them. Also, I'm noticing some complacency again, because in general there is a lot of equanimity going on, and that makes life seem good enough as it is and there is no pressing need to meditate on order to alleviate my suffering. But this is a very important place to keep on going. Also, as written in the previous post, my job is also going very well, so I've never really had this type of stability in my life, both regarding my meditation practice, and regarding my daily life, so this is really excellent conditions to keep on going with my meditation practice, so I better not waste this opportunity just because some simple boredom or restlessness pops up. I should suspect starting to dream about some other kind of life, as that has always been my condition - escaping into day-dreaming about some other type of life - but I think I'm ready to really get these tendencies seen through and continue to really ground myself in presence and in my meditation practice. Inspired by this quote today:

Some reflections about my job going well Been working night-shift tonight. Damn, my job is just going better and better. It is a really crazy job. I work as a social worker in a psychiatric hospital, the emergency department, and I have to deal with people who are in all sorts of crisis, and some of them are even very violent (not unusual) and we have to set boundaries for them, but also show them a lot of warmth and compassion, which can be a difficult balance. Being the nice guy that I am I find it easy to give warmth and compassion, but setting boundaries can be really difficult but even that is getting much better. I'm starting to like my co-workers more and more as well. Seems like many of us work well together as a team. The part about violence is something I've been really terrified about, but somehow I've managed to get through it, but now I'm starting to feel even a sense of accomplishment about navigating safely through that landscape. My job is so crazy I sometimes feels like I'm undergoing some kind of secret agent training, or a marine soldier, or something like that, and when I feel a groove around that it feels pretty fucking awesome. But most of the time I have felt just waaaaay too soft and fragile for this type of job, but I've managed to survive so far, because even though my boundaries can be a bit too weak, I get a lot of respect from my co-workers for managing to get such a solid therapeutic alliance with many of the patients - like I am this soft, fragile, kind, a bit confused, guy, but with lots of empathy and staying-power and humour and a positive attitude about the times when I get stressed and all the wierd shit that happens. Basically I just show up as myself, and I have confidence that it will land in a good place no matter who I'm given the responsibility for. And if it becomes too difficult I can always ask for help. And I've found a way to ask for help so that my more experienced co-workers get energy from helping me because the help is appriciated and received with such a positive attitude. I think most people like to share of their knowledge and skills, especially if it seems like an investment into someone who will make good use of whatever is given. Everybody likes to see someone willing to learn. So yeah, basically I just need to continue to expose myself to this process, because it is finally getting to a place of actually being manageble. I am very currious about what sense of mastery could potentially set in when I can stabilize around an experience of this job actually being fun, meaningful and managble for some more time.

Thank you!

New computer after having been half a year without I'm just skipping meditation today. Just too much going on, and I'm working night-shift, and I need to eat and sleep before going to work. But I did my swim in the ocean after I woke up, and then my dad came by and wanted to give me an old Imac that my stepmom doesn't need, and wow, it is fucking awesome. Feels like my control center in my life is back again. My last laptop crashed half a year ago, so I've been only having smartphone for half a year, which means I've written all this stuff on a smartphone. So awesome to sit in front of a keyboard again and write this stuff. I'm looking forward to watch more inspiring documentaries like the one mentioned above, and also I'm looking forward to take my online Chess to a new level. This is the biggest screen I've ever had as well. I really like to upgrade the level of comforts I have in a my life. With a stable job that I enjoy it is like I'm experiencing a satisfaction with my daily life that I've never before experienced. So much cool stuff that I can do with this stability. Like hanging out with cool people, going to yoga-classes, winter-bathing, meditation, playing Chess at the local pub. My boss even bought my a guitar just recently that I can use when I work with my patients. I'm looking forward to working with the next patient I get who will enjoy mantra singing, or some other type of guitar playing together with me. I'm also starting to like my co-workers much more. Or they seem to like me much more. They are starting to feel safe around me, and they have sort of figured me out by now.

Wim Hoff inspiration 45 min sit today. Been really inspired by Wim Hoff lately, and for the last three days I’ve been having a swim in the ocean. It is approxemately 5 degrees celcius. Prepared myself for this for a week by doing cold baths and sauna in the bath house near by. First time I went into the ocean I was surprised that it was pretty easy to go into it. Obviously exposing oneself for cold water is something one can gradually get used to. Today it was even easier, and today is the first time I did it first thing in the morning before my meditation practice. When I came back to meditate after this there was like an inner fire was being lit inside of me, so that became my focus for the meditation - just letting it burn and fill me up with power and love. I could also notice this this combination of winter bathing and meditation has a really positive impact on my sexual energy - it felt much easier to bring the sexual energy up higher into my heart chakra. Usually it feels like something that is stuck down in my genitals and that is burning for release through ejaculation, but in todays meditation it was much easier to transmute it into a powerful and good kind of burning that I could groove on without seeking release, instead of that frustrated needy kind of burning. I’m not the NoFap kind of guy. I drink alcohol and party and occasionally smoke ciggarettes and sometimes weed, and basically I just do whatever the fuck I want to do, and I believe in just listening and intuition and no hard rules of any kind, and I think meditation will make things balance themselves out by themselves over time, so without adding any rules I’ve now found inspiration to work more with my sexual energy. Winter bathing makes me feel much more sexy and masculine. My self-esteem has increased dramatically these last three days. After todays bath I was standing on the shore in only my shorts in the rain roaring out at the sea doing spontanious yoga poses. It was so fucking awesome. I feel so much gratitude right now. Thank you, dear Universe, for taking me through this cold water initiation these days. This inner fire I feel now is related to that same inner fire I feel when I trip on peyote, and peyote was very instrumental when I did a microdose session with it in this same bath house last spring which triggered this yoga kick I’ve been having and got me deeper into this cold water immersion I do when I go to this bathhouse. So actually I’ve been doing cold water immersion for a while, but going into the ocean these last three days, that was my initiation. Everything before that was just preparation. This is a really inspiring documentary: BECOMING SUPERHUMAN WITH ICE MAN - Wim Hoff

45 min sit today. Much more landed again today, almost landing in stillness, but not quite. There was some subtle restless activity going preventing the state from becoming really beautiful, even though it was very pleasant. I tried to work with the subtle restless activity, but it was a bit too slippery for me to manage to really pierce through it. I think I’ve heard this phase before described as «slippery mind in equanimity.» There is quite some strong equanimity going on, but still there is some subtle slipperiness going on preventing the mind from becoming really still and beautiful.

45 min sit today. Much better today, quite some momentum in going into and acknowledging whatever arose of painful feelings, and the energy was flowing and positive. I feel refreshed. However my mind didn’t quite settle down, it almost did, but obviously there was work that needed to be done instead. When it won’t settle down I put it to work instead, working on the various blockages and trying to stimulate the energetic flow in my body.

Another possibility, which I wrote about last cycle of this, and which is related to those other dynamics already mentioned, is that I’m numbing myself to something going on which I don’t want to acknowledge. I could already feel now after this sit that some more honesty was coming into my mind about some situations I was resisting to be honest to myself about. I have two very specific situations that I’ve been dishonest with myself about these last couple of days that now I’m gradually getting some more clearity around. And NOW I feel enthusiastic and empowered about todays meditation ? I hate resistance, but I love honesty, especially self-honesty.

45 min sit today. Interesting how when the meditation was amazing yesterday it is usually not amazing today. Like I cannot get my mind in the right gear. I guess it has something to do with when my memory of my latest meditation has to do with a very pleasant experience happening on a very refined level, it is difficult to down-shit and take genuine interest in what is happening on a coarser level if the mind is feeling more coarse the next day. It probably also has something to do with when my being is very relaxed through deep meditation I cannot control the defense mechanism that are controlling whatever is still stored of traumatic experience in my body, and new layers of something is released into consciousness and I’m put into process and have to work through that stuff before my mind will go into stillness again. So some kind of interplay between these two dynamics, but I hope to find a stronger willingness to work through the coarser levels of mind even when I’m disappointed because I was expecting to just continue my journey into stillness. Been writing about this addiction to meditative states of stillness before. Some kind of shooting myself in the foot dynamic happen because I start to cling on to them when I experience them and when I cannot reproduce them the next day my desperation and also my lack of interest for whatever else is going on instead of them makes me undermine the causes and conditions for them to arise again. But these days these states seem to come and go every other day, so something is defently working here and it is probably just a matter of continuing this daily training and continue to expose and work with all these various cycles going on.

45 min sit today. Beautiful, deep concentration. Sweet stillness suffusing my whole being.

45 min sit today. This must be the best meditation-period I’ve ever had. All the drama and desperation around meditation seems gone. Like all that stuff that comes out of suffering deeply and clinging on to meditation as ones only hope for salvation. This is a just stable and good practice I’m having going in a very normal daily life.

45 min sit today. Strong momentum in going into fear. Feels like this is a muscle I’m exercising daily.

45 min sit today. Awesomeness is back. I found the reason why my meditation has been distracted for a couple of days. Some emotional pain I have been numbing myself from. Today I could face it head on and *boom* awesomeness was back. When something new comes up it usually takes some time for it to go from confusion to clearity. Good reminder to keep going even when it is unpleasant. Discomfort only means something new is being learned.

20 min yoga, and then 45 min meditation. Took the whole sit before my mind finally landed, but when it did it felt really good. I’m noticing some distractedness have been coming up for a couple of days now, where as before that I was easily getting into concentration states. Well, that is just how these cycles of various moods, emotions and mind-states are.

45 min sit this morning. Lots of resistance and distractedness. But I kind of asked for it in a way because I’ve been getting tired of fascination with these concentration-states. Just wanting to feel normal in an ordinary state of being. Fed up with striving for something extra-ordinary.

45 min sit this morning. Great stuff. Just feels like I have landed in a program now. Almost looking forward to the day I don’t have to reflect so much about it and it is just a naturally integrated part of my daily routine.

45 min sit today. Great sit. My whole inner experience just melts into flow, vibrations, softness, presence and white light. Seems like I’m getting the hang of this now. I was so desperate for these experiences before, but little did I know that my desperation was what was blocking it. I could have just relaxed into it, but I was blind to my own desperation. These days, whenever desperation comes up, I just make it into the object that I explore through my meditation, trying to penetrate into it and make it dissolve into flow by totally owning it. Of course I don’t own everything all the time, that momentum comes and goes as well, but seems like the recipe is pretty clear.

45 min sit today as well. Really feels like I can now customize this to whatever my state is at the point when I sit down.

Sooooo true!! Easy to forget sometimes if one is stuck in toxic relationships and feel lonely without them, but just watched that happen in my own life - that by freeing up capacity for more healthy people to come into my life they actually did come ??

45 min meditation today. Great sit. Easy access to these concentration states. Sometimes the energy is just right and my mind just naturally wants to go deep into stillness, other times there is more disturbance in my system and there is more work to do regarding picking that disturbance apart or just accepting that at that my point my energy is more active and that for that sit I will have to work on other qualities than my capacity for going into stillness. None of the worries mentioned in the previous post are active when I can just manage to bring my mind into stillness. I just need to trust that this manic energy that I used to crave so much, but that now I have gotten weary of, but somehow I still have some bad habits when it comes to indulging in it, I just need to learn to trust that I can go beyond it and learn to cool it down. Seems to happen more and more. At one point a few years ago I was actually getting a Bipolar 2 diagnosis, and also actually a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, so that explains both my tendency towards hypomania and also my tendency towards changing my priorities around so much, but thanks to therapy and meditation I don’t think these diagnosis are relevant anymore, although there are still some tendencies left, but pretty mild tendencies compared to what they used to be.

Ok, holy crap. Life has been a little bit too awesome lately. This is what happens when my meditation practice is going well. Same story, over and over. Probably my biggest challenge regarding meditation mastery. Suddenly I’m very popular in many different arenas and everybody wants a piece of my positive energy. Just a little bit of time ago I was complaining about feeling lonely, then I suddenly found myself in a therapeutic session where I totally owned my loneliness, and after that I’ve been getting waaaaay more company. If I don’t learn to conserve this energy I’m in now I will go in for a crash-landing again (as countless times before). And then I will have to start all over again (almost) with building up the momentum in my meditation practice. I see one positive sign right now, and that is that I’m listening to classical piano music in order to cool down instead of searching for next level awesomeness-material on youtube. I better just immerse myself in that soothing music right now. Anyways, this journal is here to help me navigate through this phase, so I’ll trust that this documentation is part of the solution when it comes to dealing with this phase.

Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha No meditation yesterday, only 15 minutes today. I am tired from having worked so much the whole December, and also from socializing much lately. New Years Eve was epic by the way. Fortunately I’ll have one week off now. I intend to keep my meditation going like I have. In fact my first big project this year will be to read the new and expanded edition of Daniel Ingram’s Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha. I bought it some time ago, but didn’t get around to read it. I’ve only read the previous editions.