Thittato

Oh gosh, just a little session this time, but I'm breathing deeply down into my abdomen again, which is always a sign something has been released. Ok, if this stuff continues to appear, I know gestalt self-therapy exercises can help me release it. Been a long time since I've been triggered like this, but good to know I still have my tools from those times I was more frequently triggered.

No meditation yesterday, but today I sat for 45 min again. Today has been one of those days where everything has felt wrong. It used to feel like this very often before, but now it is a long time since I've felt this way. Some painful feelings of everything feeling wrong and then some desperate scrambling to make things feel right. Been sleeping the whole day. Guess I was very tired. When it feels like this the most painful part of it is feeling that I have no direction in life. The sense of mastery I had in my job is totally gone. Before the pandemic I was in a really good flow, but when the pandemic came it was decided that our psychiatric instituation was going to take all the patients in the southern part of our country that was in need of psychiatric hospitalisation and who were also having the corona-virus. So far I think we have only had one patient who actually had the corona-virus, and a few who were suspected of having it, so our instituation is basically empty of patients these days, while usually it is pretty crazy. So now I'm just stuck with hanging out with my co-workers all day long without anything to do, and no feeling of job-mastery, and because they are so fucking mainstream and I would never choose to hang out with them voluntarily if I wasn't forced to through job, it pretty much sucks and I'm getting very weary of walking around all day long trying to strike up conversations with people where there is no natural flow. All the cool people who only work part-time are also gone. So usually I can hide from the these terrible dry conventional people among all the busy work that we have to do, and I'm also getting some cred from them for my ability to deal with the most challenging patients, and it also feels very meaningful when I can help and support someone in a difficult situation and often it feels like I can make a difference. But now all that is gone. Well, I'm pretty sure this is difficult also for my co-workers, and everyone else. This is just my version of it. And then all my social life is also gone, which makes it even worse having to hang out all day long with these people I don't vibe with. There was a much better balance between everything before this shit happened. So old issues are flaring up again. Before, when I was into pick-up and social skills and stuff like that I would have seen this as a challenge: How to create social flow with boring mainstream people? I'm living in a very conservative part of the country. I think people here are especially closed-minded and not very currious about the larger culture. When I worked in almost exactly the same type of institution in our countries capital I used to think I was very lucky who could go to work and spend my time together with so many amazing people. They were interested in me, and I was interested in them. Here it is exactly the opposite: They are not interested in me, and I'm not interested in them. Except for the few ones who are actually a little bit open-minded. And this stuff really flares up really heavily now that we're in this situation. I'm really not recognizable in this situation. When I'm together with people I feel free together with I'm so free, open and spontanious, but when I'm with people I feel restricted with, I become this really shy and invisible person. So among other things I'm dreaming about moving back to our countries capital again. And it feels like my whole carreer is just totally wrong I'm fantasising about the bohemian life again, and it feels like everything I do is just some loose ends in all kinds of directions with no larger plan behind and everything is just random and accidental and I feel envious for those I know who have managed to establish a career working with art and culture. Feeling like everything is "blown up" like this and I'm in some sort of panic scrambling to find some kind of direction, that was how it used to feel very often before. Almost like it had finally landed, and then this pandemic came and it flared up again. I guess it is pretty normal that old patterns of behaving and reacting are triggered in a crisis-situation. My number one inspiration in this situation is actually our head-doctor who is in charge of our institution. He is far from mainstream and boring, but at the same time he is so social and good with people. He can chat with everybody, and he has such a good sense of humour as well. Feels like he makes everybody feel appreciated and seen as well. It is interesting with a work enviroment like this. You have those who add energy to the group, and then you have those who takes energy from the group, and then you have those in-between. Ideally speaking I would have wanted to be someone who added energy and who contributed with a feeling that it is safe to be yourself here. I can have that effect on other people, and actually in direct contact with the patients I work with, but in this group I just find it so hard. If this was gestalt-therapy they would have just seen this energy I'm here describing as something inside of me that I'm projecting on to the group. If I had owned this energy inside of me, then I would not have felt restricted by it. So yeah, I'm very triggered by something here that it is probably very possibly to come to terms with, but right now I'm reactive about it. One way to take ownership of ones feelings in gestalttherapy is just to say out loud in a meditative contemplative way exactly what one feels: "I feel very insecure among my co-workers." "I feel very restricted among my co-workers." "I don't feel good enough among my co-workers." I tried the first one right now. There is obviously a lot of charge here. It felt good just to express this feeling. I'll go on and do a session of just expressing everything I'm feeling about this situation right now. Been a while since I've done a gestalt-self-therapy session, but now there is obviously a lot of stuff that needs to be expressed.

45 min meditation this morning. First 25 min walking-meditation, and then 20 min sitting.

Didn't meditate saturday nor sunday, but today I sat for an hour. Been having a cold this weekend. Lots of negativity. I actually think this time this cold was caused by emotional stress, and that all the negativity that has been going on this weekend has been feelings that needed to be processed. Anyways, now I'm fine again, and it was good to sit again.

Started the day with 45 min meditation before I went to work. Hanged out with two friends spontanously after work, and we did a quick round of bouldering together. It was super-awesome. So many people I know have been into rock-climbing lately, and they talk so much about it, but I haven't quite catched on, but stil, there must be something about it. Anyways, not going to buy a lot of rock-climbing stuff suddenly, but some simple bouldering on low hights was pretty sweet. I want to to more of that. Nice way of hanging out. Almost that same vibe as skating together. When I came home after that I did one hour of yin-yoga, and my body really needed that because of how much it got beaten up during the rollerblading yesterday. Now I'm soon going to drink beer and have an evening of hanging out with friends on video-chat while our activity together is making art, either paint or draw, while a laid-back conversation is going on on the video-chat. I have nothing specific I want to draw, except I just want to drink beer, doodle and de-compress after an intense week. So doodling to de-compress is my take on art for tonight. Amazing how clear things becomes by journaling. I have more I need to journal about soon. Specifically my situation at work and how I can better deal with this "tyranny of normalcy" that I experience among my co-workers. But more on that some other time.

Today was my 10th session of rollerblading by the way. I got my new aggressive inline skates in the mail today. Some small improvements every session I do. But it certainly takes some time getting back into this again. But it would have been really interesting continuing with this through the spring and summer, and to see what can of level I have reached at the end of summer / beginning of fall. Today I brought with me both my very skilled rollerblading friend, and another friend who was very good at skateboarding when he was in his teens. They all get the same intense kick out of it when they bring it back up again 20 years later, and it is really awesome the inspiration and challenges they give me with this energy they bring into it. Maybe we can start some kind of Old Boyz Pandemic Skate Club haha. It works practicing social distancing while we skate, so it is one of the few fun things we can actually do at this time.

45 min meditation today as well. Felt fantastic. I work through this pressure of different things going on these days, and then I came out centered and grounded.

Sat for 45 min the day before yesterday, but yesterday I skipped my practice, except for the mandatory cold shower. Today I started the day with going for a bath in the ocean. It is still very cold and gives the desired cold exposure effect. Then I came home and meditated for 45 min. I was very restless and distracted for the whole sit, but still I manage to get my Qi-energy flowing. It is kind of interesting this paradox that my Qi-energy can be very stimulated by the attention that I give it, but still my mind can be racing and there can be a lot of resistance. So I try to give myself an inner massage with this energy, trying to let it circulate through-out my whole body, and let it flow into and through these various kinds of disturbances. At the end of the sit it felt like I had almost worked myself through all the way and that my mind started to get ready to land. I was feeling positive again, my mind felt bright, and there was this inner glowing light that usually comes when my body and mind feels light and at ease. It is interesting how this pandemic has forced me to slow down. I'm a very restless person, and even though I've been meditating for a long time it still feels like I'm acting out on this restlessness. I always run around in the social landscape trying to meet new people and expand my social network and party and have fun and exchange cultural and intellectual impulses. Now it is like all my social hunting grounds has been taken away from me, so I cannot go hunting anymore. So I'm facing a lot of this restless energy that drives this activity. Funny how meditation doesn't always bring me down under this energy, but often it just help me in an unhealthy way to bring up my energy so that I can continue to surf on top of this restlessness. Interesting how this pandemic for me was first kicked-off with an LSD-trip that I had to spend a lot of time to process and land from. I was feeling very creative during those days, and sort of my high energy was just stimulated a lot, and then this creative energy went into a really heavy rollerblading kick which was also keeping me entertained for quite some time, and now suddenly it feels like everything is gone, and the reality of the matter is very evident - all my social hunting grounds are gone and I cannot keep myself busy, distracted and entertained this way anymore, so with all that gone, I was left with just my breath and my meditation cushion again. This is a little bit of an exaggeration because I have a lot of other hobbies, and I will find a way to have a fun and useful life even during these restrictions, but I liked the picture of how my restless momentum kept running even though everything else around me slowed down, and then eventually, I was forced to finding harmony with the situation, which I haven't quite found yet, but it feels like I'm getting there.

45 min sit today as well. Life felt really horrible and dry before and during this sit. Like everything that is fun about life is now over and gone because of this pandemic situation. Went deep into these feelings, and now I feel revitalized and happy. Pretty amazing this emotional transformation that can happen during 45 min.

45 min meditation today. Good flow. Feels like a lot of stuff gets processed just by sitting down and going into the resistance and acknowledging what is there. Didn't feel like todays meditation was especially powerful or anything. I was kind of surprised it wasn't more powerful because the momentum when I started was very strong, but now that is over I feel calmness and clearity and it feels like mye experience has been revitalized. I guess I'm still just settling into this whole Social Distancing thing. I still feel a lot of frustrations regarding the fact that the world is not how it used to be, and I'm using meditation to process all this stuff and just settle into it. While I was using more coarse forms of expressing all the restless energy this has caused (and all the restless energy in general that I carry around), now is the time to just sit down in silence and just feel into it.

45 min meditation today. The slipperiness mentioned yesterday was less dominant today, and it was easier to go beyond the resistance into the feelings. The feelings all had a subtle quality - boredom, greyness, sadness, dullness, etc, and the sublety of them could have easily made me mistake them for peace and quitness (because there was some of that as well), but then I would have been back in the slipperiness because that would have been resisting the pain in them and trying to make my meditation into something it was quite not. Sort of emulating peace, instead of actually experiencing it. However, halfway through the sit the pain in these feelings had been processed to the extent that this landscape all started to transform in flow, peace, quietness and well-being.

Sat for another session of 45 min today. Wasn't really satisfied with the first session. Some kind of slippery resistance going on towards something. This session I felt much closer to "becoming one" with what was going on, but there was still some kind of subtle resistance going on. Maybe I've given it the push it needs to resolve by itself, or maybe I need to work on it for some more sessions.

Deleted.

45 min meditation today. Yesterday I was going through my journal to get an overview over all the psychedelic trips I've done since I started journaling here, both in this journal and in the first journal I had. Here are all the trips in a list: 1. Ayahuasca ceremony: - strong dose of Ayahuasca 29th of September 2018 - strong dose of Ayahuasca 30th of September 2018 2. strong dose of Peyote 31th of October 2018 3. microdosing on LSD 31th of December 2018 4. microdosing on Mushrooms 16th of Januar 2019 5. microdosing on Peyote 26th of March 2019 6. microdosing on Mushrooms 3rd of May 2019 7. medium dose of Mushrooms 31th of December 2019 8. strong dose of LSD 26th of March 2020 This first Ayahuasca ceremony here is what triggered this need to start journaling. Before this I hadn't tripped on psychedelics since the end of August 2015. I felt my tripping had become a problem and that I needed some serious distance from it to process it all. Now it seems to have gotten much more into balance. This list is approximately one trip every 2,5 month, and it feels like I'm taking the right time to process and integrate it in between each trip.

Slept really late today, which is fine since I'm working night-shifts this coming weeking. When I got up I first did 20 min of vinyasa flow yoga, then I did a hot shower ended with a cold shower, and then I went for a chill paced walk that lasted for 3,5 hour. Felt like a really meditative walk. Been feeling really exhausted yesterday, and today when I woke up, but in a good way. Kind of like I have expressed myself as totally as I possibly could for these last two weeks since that LSD-trip, both, mentally, emotionally and physically, so that it was just good to feel that there was nothing further needed to express, and that I could just walk around for a really long time in a chill pace and just take in the surroundings and look at the moon. Here is a picture of the moon shining through the clouds as seen from walking by the river right next to where I live.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today, and then I went for a little rollerblading-session up at the half-pipe. Far from as intense as yesterday. I didn't have much to give today, but I still had some minor improvements in my technique. I was pretty manic yesterday hahha..... Sleep deprivation, 1,5 hours of meditation, coffee (I'm trying to quit coffee and had been without for 4-5 days, but took a cup at work which kicked in really strongly). I also wonder if the LSD-session I had almost 2 weeks ago has been kicking up a lot of creativity in my mind. I certainly have had a lot of processes going after that session. Feels like I've been all over the place. Interesting I had such an urge for doing psychedelics before that, but now that hunger is satisfied and doesn't feel like I want to do it in a long time again. I guess it has its natural cycles. I was supposed to go on an ayahyasca ceremony approximately two weeks ago, but then our shaman couldn't get into the country because of the resctrictions caused by the corono-virus, so I had to make my own ceremony instead. I guess I managed to get what I was hoping for with this alternative ceremony. I'm very satisfied with what I got out of it. At the same time it also feels like I should continue to be careful with psychedelics because of all the intense energy they stirr up. I'll have to be careful just so that I can continue to keep a steady focus on my daily life, and not start to fly too high again too often. Today was the 7th session of rollerblading. It was the first time I could feel the energy declining in a session. So far it has only been going up, up, up until the climax which was yesterday. Pretty cool that I had this sport-arena where I could express all that energy that I got out of the LSD-session. I think it is very important to find a way to express oneself creatively after a psychedelic session, or to at least find some sort of way to channel out the inspiration that one gets from it. I feel this happened very sucessfully this time.

The day at work was really awesome. I had an opportunity to have a coffee-break with our psychologist and our chief doctor. Normally I'm very tight and passive when I'm together with authority figures, but today the conversation between us was flowing really well. They both became currious about me and my mindfulness-experience, and the psychologist actually wants me to help him out with co-leading or assist him in some psycho-educational groups that he is planning to have for our patients. That came pretty much out of the blue. He also said that my therapeutic competance was very high, and we had a really amazing conversation about all things therapeutic. I'm usually so shy and introverted among my co-workers, but that psychologist, especially, and also the doctor, they speak my language. They are the most interesting people, and the ones who have the most dedication and knowledge to this field, so I should start to spent more time getting to know the leaders in my job, and not just stay in my comfort-zone and hang out with the "outcast" haha...... Sometimes I'm actually more comfortable hanging out with the patients I'm working with, then with my co-workers, because they are freaks, and I'm a freak, so we can relax together. Normal people are holding each other up against such a cruel tyrany of standards. That is probably why I get such a good connection with many of the patients. I don't oppress them with my normality standards. But also, I'm getting integrated with the normal people - getting better at understanding their language - getting better at accepting them and appreciating them for who they are - getting better at revealing my true self in a dose that is not too overwhelming for them Anyways, the doctors and the psychologist are also kind of freaks. Haha. Yeah, damn, they are. They are high-status freaks. But they are longing for deep, intense, and meaningful conversations that goes straight to the core, and not all this small talk stuff all the time. So I can obviously get some good chemistry going with them based upon our shared ground of being freaks. The people who are really passionate about this field are much more interesting than those who are just trying to get by in a stressful daily life. And there is a lot of good stuff happening in this field. They are working very consistently to make us into better therapists that can make our patients feel safe so that we can reduce the amount of coercion that we have to use. Psychiatry was really bad before. Like not being sensitive at all to the patients trauma-triggers. But it is going in the right direction. I felt it was a bit too conventional and out-dated for my own understanding, having seen how so many beautiful spiritual teachers work with their students, but the change that we are looking for also has to happen within the system that we have, and not just on the fringe, and there are some good opportunities here to help out with bringing the change into the system. As my level of experience grows I'm sure I'll also get more influentional, and not just be like this wall-flower for ever. It was pretty obvious today that when I came out with my wisdom, that that was a very attractive competance. And in part I think the reason why I had this confidence and out-going energy today was because of this 1,5 hour long meditation sit I did this morning. So I'm wondering also if I have to get back into a more systematic meditation practice again. I knew this point would come. And the sign of it becoming a need again is maybe because once again I'm just creativily flowing out endlessly in all kinds of directions - like it is too much - I'm really just all over the place again these days, and I think some more meditation could help in just getting me grounded again. I'm not going to push it yet. I'm just going to lean into it and see if that is what I need. I had some really good acceptance going also with my whole tendency for this directionless creative mania. I thought like "holy schmokes, I'm like almost crazy ahhahaha..... I still think I can be this multiartistic rollerblading, guitar-playing, yoga-teacher, chess-player, tantric superlover, socialworker, author, blablablabla" It just never goes away. It is just the way I am. All these wild ambitions in all directions without any structured plan of action to back them up - that is totally fine - that is my condition - that is how it has been for as long as I can remember - just chill with it - just relax - just surrender into it - it is fine - no need to worry - add some humour to it - see the charm in who you are - you are taken care of - you are in a job where you are valued - it will work out - just be kind to yourself - have some patience - have some compassion for yourself - don't be so hard on yourself all the time - just let loose. Breathe. All this resistance that I'm getting. It is what I need for my grounding. I can so easily take off, so a little bit of boredom and dull everyday life, it is just perfect. No need to fear it. No need to think that things doesn't develop quickly enough. And then after work I went out rollerblading for 2,5 hour in the halfpipe again with one of my best friends. If I ever feel that there is not enough awesomeness in my life - well, that was a potential problem that was possible before I rediscovered rollerblading. Today was the 6th session of rollerblading since I just started up again. I learned more today then I learned in all the previous 5 sessions combined. It just said click in so many ways today. This rollerblading-thing. Wow. It is such a goldmine of endless creativity, passion and fun. I'm just immersing myself totally in the skating-culture these days - discussing it with my friends, reading about it, seeing documentaries and everything there is to see about it. I wrote earlier here that even my youngest brother who is only 17, he is going to a professional athlete freeski school aiming to raise professionals. So he is totally into extreme sports, or action sports, as they are also called. So my mother and my stepfather are supporting him and cheering him on, going to all the different competitions he competes in, etc, so they are also totally into this "skate culture" so actually my whole family is sucked into this, and me and my brother are actually going to go and skate together one of these days, which will also be something that we can build a stronger bond around. I want to help him. He is soooo talented. But he also puts waaaaay to high standards on himself. Maybe there is something I can give to him as an older brother with more life-experience. Some kind of way of helping him realize he has to let his passion and his joy be his guiding star in this, and not to measure himself up against others so much. My friend took this picture of me today. I though it was pretty cool. Standing on the edge, ready to make a leap into the unknown. And the paradox between such a tall guy as myself, and such a cute little halfpipe. But it looks so serious, still. And I love that paradox.

Good luck! See you on the other side :-)

2 sessions of meditation this morning. First 45 min, then hot shower ended with a cold shower, and then another 45 min session. The cold I had is gone, so I'm back to work, and my sleep was totally messed up because I've been sleeping all day for some days now to get over this cold, so I only managed to sleep 2 hours this night, so I got out of bed earily and intensifed my meditation to build up some energy that can help carry me through the day in the absence of enough sleep.

Today I went for a walk in nature for about an hour. I walked really slow and listened to the birds and took in the surroundings. It was really beautiful. Then I went rollerblading with a buddy who brought his skateboard. This is the first time in 20 years that I'm rollerblading in a half-pipe. Oh my gosh. It was so damn fun. I can see a lot of progression already. I could easily drop into it, and then make a turn at the other side and go back and forth. I could also drop into it by doing a 180 from standing with my back against the drop. It is only a small halfpipe, but is was so FUN, FUN, FUN, and perfect practice-conditions. Now I only need to get aggressive inline skates again, so it is possible to do grinds on the copic, which I could do before, then I'm up to speed again. I only have like regular skates. Here is a picture of my buddy in the ramp. Pretty cute ramp haha

Meditated for 2x45 minutes today. Some stuff that I need to burn away at through meditation. I could feel the fire of purification burning in me through the last half of the last sit. A very powerful feeling, and at the same time sobering.

15 min meditation this evening. I was getting a cold yesterday, so I had to stay home from work. Normally I would have been going to work, but in these corona times it looks really bad going around sneezing at work. My boss called me later in the day to go through the corona protocol. I'm working day-shift on monday again, so I'll have to call a corona phone for the hospital to go through some procedure where they will advice me to go to work or continue to stay home. I'm pretty sure this is just a minor cold, but time will tell. They say the corona starts as just a mild cold, so who knows these days. Anyways, been feeling like crap today. Feeling bad from staying home from work. Been pushing myself too much lately with that rollerblading and that running when I was low on energy, so now I got what I was asking for (if it isn't corona and this would have happened no matter what). But there has been some good surrender and letting go in this feeling like crap as well. I'm so fed up about being hyped up about stuff. I just want to be more real and down to earth. This energy that I have been able to cultivate from my yoga and meditation practice - it is a double-edged sword. On the one hand it is nice to have that extra level of energy and enthusiasm, but on the other hand it is difficult to keep it in balance. But I would rather have this challenge and learn how to deal with it then having less energy, so I better just continue to work on bringing this into balance. Some more focus on surrender and letting go seems like what I need these days. Also, I'm pretty sure that this period with jogging is over for now. I did 20 runs, and it amounted to exactly 100km, and I managed to push me through that run which was 9,2 km that I was so fascinated with, so I think my goals and the things I was fascinated with regarding this has been completed. It was fun to explore for a little while, but I really don't find it especially enjoyable or fun. It is mostly just hard work and pushing, and the whole culture around it seems to be about that. With all my other interests it requires too much to keep this focus going. I think I will rather just continue with my yoga practice as my physical exercise, and now that I'm getting into rollerblading again that will also be part of my exercise. It is nice to explore some other types of exercise just for a little while to get some inspiration and a new perspective on things, and that is what running was for me, but I don't think it is my type of exercise. So as for now I'll sharpen up my yoga-goals again, and then I'll explore this interesting interaction between yoga and rollerblading. That is much more creative, fun and cool. Ending my day with a few yoga poses, just to round this off and integrate and process all that I just wrote.

Gosh, over and over it is that same story of some kind of skill that I have dabbled in and not taken as far as I wanted to take, and now I need to go back and really master it. Seems to repeat itself over and over. Sometimes, or many times, I've been thinking that I should find one thing and get really good at it, but then my interests just keeps on moving. For now I have just surrendered to the fact that this flow just seems to unfold beyond my control. But maybe I need to change that story that there is something I need to get good at. I think there is some kind of underlying assumption that I'm not good enough as I am, so "if only" I get good at this one thing, then I will finally be good enough. I mean, it is fine with ambitions and all that, but I seem to be operating from a place that there is something inherently wrong with where I am right now, and at some point I will reach that point where everything is polished and like it is supposed to be. At the same time there is something so extremly satisfying when something I'm fascinated with just finally clicks and I understand it on a whole new level. And even though I change back and forth between many different skills, seems like my general level of knowledge and understanding keeps upgrading. The whole process is a mystery. It always comes back to some kind of paradoxical process of the dance between effort and surrender. I'm eager to learn to let go of control even more, and to surrender more into life.

One hour of running today. I ran 9,2 km. Then hot shower ended with a cold shower, as usual. I was so high on rollerblading yesterday. It is exhausting. Was watching rollerblading movies on youtube until late at night. Woke up this morning and was disgusted with the whole thing, as I usually am after those mental obsessions calm down. Been feeling vulnerable this whole day. But strangely enough I ran longer then I've ever ran. 5,3 km was the longest before this.

That sounds beautiful :-)