Thittato

45 min meditation yesterday and today as well. Some cycle of resistance and aversion that seems to have been released today. Yesterday it felt pretty vulnerable and difficult, and in todays meditation I went deep into all the aversion I was feeling and I was getting a sense of owning it, and now I feel released.

45 min sitting meditation today before I went to work. I was using the technique "mental noting" as described yesterday, and my meditation was a lot sharper becaue of this. The technique in itself also builds a lot of energy which I can re-direct back into the meditation. Also, it is raining today, which is pretty nice. I must have compensated heavily for the lack of socializing during lockdown when I was out partying so much last week haha..... So now it is really nice to just be home and listen to the rain outside and enjoy the fruits of my meditation practice. My heart feels at ease.

45 min meditation today as well. First 30 min walking, and then 15 min sitting. I'm noticing I'm still more distracted than what I actually think I should be, so I'll return to my basic technique, which is making mental notes of my experience, for instance: "imaging thought," "seeing," "hearing," "conversation thought," "memory thought," "itching," "pain," "joy," well-being," etc. When the momentum and/or interest is strong enough I can note these phenomena without mental labels, and it is about seeing my whole experience of phenomena start to break down into flowing vibrations, like "pain" for instance - it can seem like a solid lump of something unpleasant, but when you go into it and start to experience it deeply you will see that it actually has some movement to it, and there more you study it the more it will start to break down into fine vibrations of phenomena just flowing around in enourmous numbers. Right now this is happening pretty much already with most of my phenomena, but still there is some distractedness going on at the same time, so that means I need to sharpen up my technique by returning to basics.

45 min today as well. First 20 min walking and then 25 min sitting. It felt very powerful, but I was kind of distracted at the same time. Like the energy starts to flow and my posture is very erect and open, and my mind is enough on the meditation object to continue to build this energy, but the focus is not good enough so that the mind lands on the meditation object, it kind of just hovers around - which is kind of strange in one way because it is very comfortable to meditate in this state and the meditation object is really intriguing, but somehow the commitment to let go off distractions are not strong enough to really land on the meditation object. But I guess this in itself is an energy. Landing cannot be forced. I just have to be grateful that the energy felt powerful and positive. Landing will happen quicker if I just allow this state to be as it is - to not add any extra stress to it by telling myself it should have been different.

Gosh. That cold-shower was exactly what I needed. Thank you, Wim Hoff <3, for a really awesome contribution to my spiritual path. It wasn't even cold anymore. I mean, it is almost July by now, so I guess that makes sense. But this is the first time I've really felt like "Oh my gosh, the edge of the coldness is gone now." I guess today has been an exceptionally warm day. In a way, since I have been working on cold-exposure since at some point during last fall, which reached a strong climax when I was swimming in the sea a lot during January when it was snow here, and when that kick was over I was gradually moving over to cold-showers instead which I have been keeping up, and now the edge of the coldness is totally gone, I would say that now I have officially been fully riding out my first wave of cold exposure therapy. I guess we will have to see whether I'll jump on the next wave coming, but I might, but anyways, this has really been a really awesome contribution to my path. It has helped me in so many ways I find it hard to make a summary of it - but perhaps the most obvious thing, and perhaps most important, that cold exposure therapy can teach us is that salvation lies in going into what we resist. It has really supported me in bridging this realization into my meditation. It is easy to see this on an intellectual level, but still this tendency to oppose our resistance has so deep roots. It is really some kind of primal force, somehow, this resistance. And I'm far from over it, yet. But the willingness to just go into it, again, and again, and again, has really been multiplied, and I give a lot of thanks to cold exposure therapy for the support it has given to my meditation practice regarding this.

And while I'm in the spirit of sharing pictures I got to share the picture we took from yesterdays jam-session as well. This is me sitting there with my drum together with two really cool girls who it was just totally awesome to jam with. I love that picture. Probably my favourite summer-picture so far. The guy who took it is so amazing. He has really inspired me when it comes to music. I'm going to meet him again on sunday when we are going to a mantra circle together. Then I will tell him how much I appriciate what he has done inspiring me with inviting us to come jam together outdoors next to the ocean. This was our third jam-session together after he started inviting us. So perhaps now you can understand, or maybe now I can understand, that even if I get a little bit tired from all this socializing, when I just surrender into it and allow it to happen, then there are so many magicial moments out there just waiting to be experienced. So I'm really glad I'm putting a little bit of conscious effort into this. Of course, spending time alone can also be really magical, especially when alone-time is fired up by a solid meditation-practice, so there isn't really an either-or, but more a both-and, so yeah, whatever happens, just trust your inclination and go with the flow. Sometimes you need rest, sometimes you need to push yourself a little bit extre, and trust that rest is always available by just sinking into this precent moment, because this is always where our batteries will ultimately be re-charged anyways.

45 min sitting meditation today as well. Lots of resistance. But still it felt good. I felt very tired. Didn't want to socialize today. But I was asked to come play Chess with a guy I really admire, and it turned out to be the best Chess-evening ever. I was even beating the shit out of one guy who is usually far better than me in Chess. Some kind of spiritual shit kicked in in my game. I was on top of my game. At first I was playing with this guy that I really admire, and he is just so far better than me that out of the 70 + games we've played with each other in total I've only won once. So he is not that guy I was beating the shit out of tonight, obviously. But playing against him for 2-3 hours first, and then when I met the rest of the gang, I was really primed for playing well because I totally accept that I will loose when playing against someone that good - but it is really my attitude that carries me through - the willingness to loose again and again without loosing my spirit. I've been drinking a lot tonight, but at the end of the night I just felt an enourmous presence - which I still feel. This game of Chess - this is FUCKING magic. I really enjoy what I wrote yesterday, because, even though I was kind of complaining, those reflections really helped me find some rest even while I was hanging out with all those people. I was like pulling aside, ordering some food and something to drink, and just sitting there relaxing when I needed to while the others were having fun, and it really re-charged me. It was EXTREMLY interesting to see that I can find some good rest even while I'm hanging out with people, and they don't even need to notice. I'm wondering what I need to do calm down aften an evening like this. First of all I totally need to drink a lot of water. But I was thinking maybe I should go for a little bit of rollerblading but that would be to exaggerate - I'm pretty worn down now even though I'm flowing on this manic flow buzz. But I think simply a warm shower ended with a solid good cold shower would be the perfect way to round off this evening, so that is what I will do. Here are some pictures from tonight. Lots of other people were involved - but this is tonights main-crew. Love and gratitude to you all <3

45 min today as well. No walking, just sitting-meditation. Good flow. Gosh, I've been a little too social lately. This has been a problem before when my mediation starts to go well. Somehow my social vibe also starts to go really well simultanously. I guess I just shouldn't make this into a problem. When I feel overwhelmed I'll just feel into it. I like to push things too. Like how many people can I hang out with and still feel chill about it. Maybe if I just don't expect it to always be so totally awesome, then I can just be some nice and friendly guy who shows up here and there. I don't need to be the center of the party always. It is that all or nothing kind of thing that operates. And I can always leave early when I've had my dose. I'm feeling less overwhelmed now as I write this. Maybe I should also give up that attitude of getting something out of people. I only need to share my presence, and enjoy other peoples presence. I don't think it is really about feeling connected to others either, even if that of course is important. But the most important thing is feeling connected to myself. And that happens when I'm true to my spiritual path - which right now is meditating 45 min per day.

Hehe..... Thank you! That means a lot to me ❤️

45 min meditation today as well. 30 min walking and then 15 min sitting. Damn, that journaling from yesterday is really embarrasing. Sounded so dramatic. The story behind it is that I was drunk and fell and hit my head on a rock, but for some miraculus reason it didn't hurt, except I have a cut over my nose, but I must have managed to slow down or cushion the fall somehow. Could have lost some teeth there, or even worse. I was acting pretty strange yesterday, I even walked barefoot over the fire we made. I'm wondering if because I have not had much direct contact with the psychiatric patients I work with because of Covid-19, I was a bit unprepared for how I can sometimes internalize some of the crazy stuff I have to deal with in my job, and now I have had pretty close contact with some patients again. I was especially working with one guy who is diagnosed with paranoid schizofrenia, and I cared a lot about him I could feel and I felt very much empathy for his situation in life, so I think I have been soaking up some of his internal world. My own internal world is very fluid. I'm somehow like a chameleon who always adapts to whoever I'm hanging out with - it is like since my own ego-structure has been a bit unclear, it is like I lack some psychic boundaries that can protect what I imagine must have meant to be a more stable ego-structure, so that makes me a bit vulnerable when it comes to soaking up other peoples energies. So I'm glad I have meditation to clear out these energies. Besides all that, meditation is still really good. It feels like it gives me a really stable platform to return back to again and again. I'm keeping these skills of always going into the resistance sharp and honed. When I woke up today, I felt like an idiot, but it was easy to shake off these feelings, by going into them, and not fall for being overdramatic about it.

45 min sit today as well. I’m just really glad I’m still alive. The meditation was awesome. Love to all of you ❤️❤️❤️

Started this day with 45 min sitting meditation as well. Slept late before I went to work to work evening-shift. Such an awesome flow at work this evening. All the best people were there as well so the social and fun vibe was really good. Took my rollerblades back and forth. Seems like I don't stress it anymore to get anywhere with my level of skill. The simple feeling of just crusing is amazing when I'm really present with my body just gliding down the road while the air is flowing around me. It also feels like I have stabilzed more around my daily meditation practice again. There was a honeymoon in the beginning of June when I was getting that intense kick I can get out of meditation, and then I was experiencing more resistance later on as I was getting impatient with the routine, but now a feeling of enjoying the stability of it has arrived. Yesterday I was in a skatepark. This is me doing a simple grind called soul grind. It is pretty simple, but it feels amazing - for a short little time being free from the resistance in the asphalt and just gliding along the iron with the momentum you brought into it. Everything builds from the simple stuff. Especially when you enjoy it.

45 min meditation today. Very good flow. Getting into a concentrated flow state. In the beginning I found it particular helpful to work with the remaining "pain knots" from this recent crush I had. Like when I would get a mental image of her up in my mind, and then my body contracts into pain almost like if I had gotten burned, then I go into this "pain knot" and feel it through, and I get a lot of confidence doing that over and over when it happens, because it actually helps a lot, and it seems like I manage to neutralize the pain that way. The burning pain from being in love is probably my biggest trauma, so if I can neutralize this shit through meditation then I have really gotten somewhere with my practice. Something painful like this actually takes my meditation deeper, and then I get a kick out of it, instead of contracting into feeling like a victim. Turbo-awesome!

45 min sitting meditation yesterday, and the same today. Yesterday was pretty much only resistance, but today it was a really good flow. The resistance before I sat down was pretty intense, though. Once again I was feeling very strongly that I have no purpose and my life is just chaos. So I tried to identify how these feelings felt in my body, and then things quickly started opening up into a very good flow.

Felt like doing one more session today of 45 min of meditation. First 25 min walking, and then 20 min sitting. It is interesting to see how walking and sitting meditation complement each other. Especially with my interest in physical exercise. Walking meditation is almost like exercise in it self. A soft form of exercise. It certainly builds some endurance. Especially when it is combinded with the meditative focus. And it gives me a lot of time to explore my posture - like really embody my walking-posture. And with sitting meditation - that is totally an experience of really going deep into ones posture. This session the momentum was really strong, and I started to feel like a king sitting on my throne. And when that energy was finished running through me, I suddenly felt sweet and kind as a leaf being blow around carefully by a sweet breeze on a warm summer day, but still with the same erect posture, but my body was no longer the object of my focus, but I was more absorbed into the feeling of sweetness and kindness. Pretty nice.

45 min meditation today as well. First 25 min walking meditation, and then 20 min sitting. I had a lot of resistance before this session, but as soon as I began the momentum was strong and I immediately got into the groove.

45 min sitting meditation yesterday before working evening-shift, and 45 min walking meditation this evening right now before bed. Everybody that I tell about my meditation project are very encouraging. It seems to resontate with them. Basically meditation is my only project for the whole of June - everything else is spontanity and improvisation. Nothing of that going to learn this or learn that stuff. I'm really starting to see the benefits of it now. It gives me a lot of peace of mind. It is really time to go beyond that chronic obsession I've had with "getting somewhere" based on various ever-changing projects. And this evening, holy schmokes, I really saw to fruits of my skills when it comes to improvisation. 2 weeks ago I was suddenly part of a jamming-group and we had a really nice jam together. And today we met again, and it was even better than last time. Damn, it was so good. I brought my didgeridoo, and I also borrowed a drum, and I was just totally on fire and so free. This must have been the best jam I've ever been part of. Me and a buddy started dancing as well. So awesome to dance again. The whole thing turned into like a small little psy-trance party at the end. One of the guys in this group is a DJ, and he brought a little loudspeaker with him, and his computer, and damn how much cool stuff he was contributing with while the rest of us were drumming, playing guitar, didgeridoo, singing, and etc. After the 4 hour long jam was over, we went for a nice swim in the ocean, and that was such a perfect way to cool down again after such an intense and long climax. It felt like my dancing, my drumming and my didgeridooing all reached some new levels of creativity tonight and that has a lot to do with me letting go of trying to control my creative energy. Today I also totally accepted that I'm totally rejected by my crush, and there is no way that she will ever go out on a date with me again. I'm so relieved I've given up any ambition to try to win her over again. This whole thing was just some old tendencies kicking in again. Holy schmokes I'm glad they were short-lived this time. My life was really awesome before I met this woman, and of course I was getting obsessed again, so then I was not so happy again. She was very beautiful, and had a very interesting personality, and a lot of cool interests, so of course when we were getting a connection I was just totally ready to have her as my girlfriend if she had wanted, but I'm pretty glad I didn't succeed. This woman was really struggling with her life, and her energy was very low and I think that perhaps she was depressed. And somehow my old ugly tendency is try to get into a relationship with a woman like this in order to save them. I've had two girlfriends where this pattern was very strong. But now, after having successfully been in therapy, I'm actually turning into a pretty happy and satisfied person, and I think I'm ready for breaking this cycle of co-dependency and actually meet a woman who is also happy about her life. I sometimes write about my frustrations in this journal, but they are nothing compared to the shit I was dealing with when I was going in therapy. So with that thing being closed, I'm free again to enjoy my meditation, my creativity, my friends, and my job, again. Hurra! :-) And I'm looking forward to the next woman coming my way. Hopefully we are a much better match. But I'm in no hurry. I just want to enjoy life and be happy.

Hehe yes. I know all about having an all-or-nothing approach :-)

Unfortunately I didn’t do my 45 min of meditation on saturday, but to compensate for that I did two 45 min sessions on sunday. And today I sat for 45 min as well. There was quite some resistance to sitting down today, but as soon as I sat down I was getting into a good groove. I’m glad to be able to keep up this daily practice of 45 min for the whole of this month. Almost felt like I fell out of it because of saturday, but felt good to compensate for that on sunday.

I’m glad to hear ??

45 min meditation today as well. Fucking awesome. I just dive totally into all the different forms of micro-suffering presenting themselves and just totally dive into feeling it through to the very end, again, and again, and again, and again. Walking through town after a good meditation is more psychedelic than the best psychedelics under the most perfect conditions. Psychedelics are SHIT compared to meditation, and, don't get me wrong, they are still good. If you're reading this journal and don't have a daily practice - just fucking do it! Even 5 minutes of meditation is a trillion more, at least, than no meditation at all.

@iceprincess Thank you for asking the question! I'm in the same process myself, just a bit further down the road of distancing myself from those self-destructive people, and I just reflected on how much more resourceful people I'm attracting into my life. Totally worth it! The loneliness in the "in-between phase" can seem a bit frightening, but soon enough more healthy people will start to fill up the "empty seats" <3 <3 <3

45 min meditation today as well. First 25 min of walking meditation and then 20 min of sitting. Walking-meditation is a really nice way to get the momentum going if I’m tired, as I was today, before I sit down to do the sitting part. Everything feels perfect in my life again. So funny. I guess this is the psychology of samsara in action. When I’m not present I start to dream about how my life should rather have been and focus on everything that is wrong, but as soon as presence is re-established life is perfect just the way it is. I have a feeling right now of being really alligned with where I am supposed to be. It is like being synchronized with the way things are. I’m pretty sure it will feel exactly the opposite soon enough, haha, but at least for now I can enjoy a very welcome relief from this chaos I’ve been in lately. Rollerblading totally rocks again as well. Using my rollerblades as transportation to get somewhere has really opened my eyes to another side of rollerblading - the recreational side, which is also a very important side, just cruising around enjoying the simplicity and the sense of flow. I was mainly focused on aggressive inline skating when I started - doing tricks in halfpipes and stuff like that. Now it feels like these two different aspects will complement each other very well. Doing a session of yoga yesterday was also really awesome. My body felt sooooo much better when I went rollerblading today because of it. Just so much more less fragile in a way. Perhaps the nicest thing about rollerblading to work today was seeing how I feel way less clumsy. I love that sense of feeling that ones confidence is growing when adjusting to a new skill. In the beginning one is sort of in a constant state of fear and awkwardness, mixed with inspiration and joy of course, but also with some elements of strong discouragement sometimes, but then one starts to really land in the new thing, and the whole interest becomes like a much more stable and dynamic thing.

If they are going to self-destruct anyways, why help them delay that process? No matter what you do for them, the only thing that will permanently help them is if they find that motivation to change inside if themselves and sometimes people need to hit rock-bottom before they can turn around. I’ve tried to help a lot of people, but it has basically just been a waste of time and a reflection of some unhealthy forces within myself, ie. co-dependence. Today I’m really glad I’m rid of all those people. Hanging out with them really slowed down my own growth and sense of self-worth, and it was also bringing a lot of other shady people into my life. The time you spend on them you could spend networking with much more resourceful people which will bring in lots of other positive resources into your life and help you with your purpose, and that way you can be of a better service to humanity by realizing your full potential. So it is not a matter of not helping - it is about finding a more skillful way to be of service. Now I wouldn’t cut those people out sharply, I would just gradually start to invest less and less energy into those relationships. Be there for them if they sincerly ask for your help and wants to change direction, but don’t go out of your way to look after them. Anyways, my 2 cents

Worked called and asked if I could work for two night-shifts, which I'm glad to do since I'm in the groove with my job now. Spent a few hours sleeping in order to prepare for that, and when I woke up just now I first did 20 min of vinyasa flow yoga, and then I did 20 more min of meditation for today. Haven't done yoga in a long time, and it was really nice to do a session of that again. And in the meditation I was, as I was expecting, finally going beyond "positive enthusiastic energy" into what I call "beautiful silence." I didn't go so deep into beautiful silence, but I was finally really landing in it, and if my alarm hadn't gone off the momentum was so that I could have gotten much deeper into it. 45 min of meditation is my base, and then I can add on top of that when I feel inspired.